Is this really what "the scene" is all about?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 22, 2009 4:10 AM GMT
    So yesterday I made my first ever trip to a gay nightclub (Splash in NYC). I think it was a great experience to have, but am very conflicted about my experience and actually left feeling a little disturbed and disheartened. (Truncated version at bottom)

    At first the environment seemed to be really friendly and it was nice to dance, let loose and just be around other gay guys. It was definitely a liberating feeling. The music and crowd both seemed nice and the "scenery" was quite pleasing to the eyes. Pretty soon though, my experience turned a little sour.

    First, I was in the restroom peeing, minding my own business, when somebody actually stuck their face into the space between the partition and the urinal (for those not familar with Splash, a long trough urinal has stalls set up along it's length, with a necessary gap, maybe 8 inches wide, in the partitions down at the level of the trough) and proceeded to lick his lips very aggressively and suggestively. I managed to ignore this, finished peeing, went to the sink and washed my hands and when I turned 90 degrees to leave, the same face was right there staring at me. I promptly said excuse me and hurried past him, but was definitely a little shaken.

    Next, while on the dance floor a stranger who started dancing with my friend I had gone with started to dance with me and grope me through my jeans. I usually don't mind dancing with strangers at all and think it can be fun, but this guy was just crazy. I pushed his hand away several times and he stopped, so I thought "okay he got the message". He then left, only to return a while later. This time he started to hook his fingers around the waist of my jeans, eventually undoing the top button. I again stopped him and then sort of worked myself away. This continued for a while and ultimately at some point I let my guard down and suddenly realized that he had come up behind me and quickly plunged his hand down into my jeans and underwear. I was absolutely shocked and had no idea what the hell to do as he started to fondle my genitals. I just stopped moving for a couple of seconds in absolute shock. At that point I forcibly grabbed his hand and yanked it away and gave him a really angry look and he stopped.

    Finally, the last straw, came when after about 10 minutes later someone came up behind me and started to caress my back and stomach, which creeped me out a little, but I had noticed this going on around me and just decided to ignore it. Then, however, this guy started to slip his hands up my shirt and grope me all over my torso. I slowly pulled his hands away and turned around so as to give him pleasant but firm "I don't approve" look only to notice that this guy wasn't even dancing at all but just standing there staring at me with an extremely carnal look on his face. By that point I'd had enough and just told my friend I needed to leave and we jetted out, of course, only to be followed out the door by the fellow who had previously had his hands down my pants. We just ignored him and kept walking and after about half a block he turned around and walked back.

    Abridged version: While at Splash I had someone stick his face into my stall and lick his lips, then stare at me while I washed my hands, had someone stick his hands down my pants and fondle my genitals while dancing (and follow us out of the club) and finally had someone groping my torso while staring at me in such a way as to make me extremely uncomfortable.

    So, while I started out having a lot of fun, I ultimately ended up feeling no better than a piece of meat. All anybody was interested in was getting some sort of action out of me, regardless of my comfort level. I don't think I've ever really felt quite so dehumanized. Is this really what the club scene is about? Am I overreacting/being too prude? I was left feeling so hollow afterward...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 22, 2009 5:49 AM GMT
    WOWicon_eek.gif
    I've never been. I think Winnipeg's only real gay nightclub shut down. Not really too keen on if that's what it's like.
    Man I would've either puched that guy in the face or kneed him in the nuts. Definantly would not have had the patience for that.
  • Delivis

    Posts: 2332

    Jun 22, 2009 6:37 AM GMT
    Show your dissaproval by never going again. I wouldnt touch a place like that with a thousand foot pole.
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    Jun 22, 2009 7:48 AM GMT
    Hehe. Yelp reviews are always amusing. icon_lol.gif

    http://www.yelp.com/biz/splash-bar-new-york-new-york

    Maybe you just went on the wrong night? Saturday nights are drunk-n-horny nights at almost all clubs, gay and straight.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 22, 2009 8:36 AM GMT
    Someone tried that on me once. I groped him right back. Hard icon_evil.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 22, 2009 8:50 AM GMT
    My dear,

    When you hit 60 ...you will beg for these old days. So lighten up. Brush it off and move on. No need to do a thesis on the topic of gayness at a night club. I can't tell you how many times I am messed with...I just do not let it bug me....you will get over it in time...


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    Jun 22, 2009 9:18 AM GMT
    Gosh it's a few years since I've been to a club now. I well remember in my 20s a saying I had: "if you touch me one more time, I will break every bone in your hand!" It put a stop to it everytime!!!!!
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jun 22, 2009 10:35 AM GMT
    If you're living in NY then you should know how to handle inappropriate behavior
    Yeah ... the music and the dancing is fun
    but you are going to get some unsolicited attention esp at Splash Bar
    It's known for that
    But to handle guys like that you Do Not Look at Them
    But you immediately and forcefully move your body away from them

    To Them any attention at all even negative attention seems to be an invitation
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 22, 2009 10:45 AM GMT
    GQjock saidIf you're living in NY then you should know how to handle inappropriate behavior
    Yeah ... the music and the dancing is fun
    but you are going to get some unsolicited attention esp at Splash Bar
    It's known for that
    But to handle guys like that you Do Not Look at Them
    But you immediately and forcefully move your body away from them

    To Them any attention at all even negative attention seems to be an invitation
    I agree - I have no clue about Splash specifically but if you enjoy dancing and the energy, don't deny yourself the pleasure because of a few folks trying to get their swerve on in the ladies' room.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jun 22, 2009 12:15 PM GMT
    Well let me say I would have reacted the same.... and actually did once, but didn't have quite the experience you did. I made the "gay club circuit" on church st. while in Toronto several years ago. Prior to that trip I had been in a gay bar once. It was an interesting experience to say the least. Nothing like waiting in line to go in a club (I'd never even heard of that), then have a drag queen stop and in front of a bunch of people say, "My God, where did you come from" and hearing "Kansas".... things were uttered which totally embarassed me at the time and I'm not repeating here.

    In your case, I would have thought the "bathroom incident" was in pretty bad taste, but I wouldn't have someone putting their hands down my pants..
    it would be a little hard anyway.. they are probably too tight, but I would have reacted the same, maybe with a little more force. Clearly in a club like this, this sort of behavior is considered the norm and accepted. You aren't going to change "the norm" there, so I'd suggest you go somewhere where it isn't the "norm".

    Many gay clubs and "bars" don't have that sort of thing going. I'd ask questions about the kind of club you are visiting prior from those who may know. If you don't know whats up, you are taking your chances.

    Finally, don't let this experience totally sour your perceptions in a gay club.
    Some aren't that bad at all.
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    Jun 22, 2009 12:33 PM GMT
    Mistic is right. Get over it. If it makes you that uncomfortable, why didn't you do/say something to them then? Why not just leave after the bathroom event? I think you are having "buyers remorse" the day after.
    Go to another club, go with only close friends who have your back or stay home and piss and moan about one bad experience and how much you hate the whole 'gay club scene'.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 22, 2009 12:34 PM GMT
    HndsmKansan said

    it would be a little hard anyway..


    There are so many things I could say to that....Hehehe
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    Jun 22, 2009 4:11 PM GMT


    These things happen at gay clubs. 1st, mix booze with repressed homo, then add loud music with a role model like Cher convincing him to believe, follow that up with some anonymity, and top it off with guys like me who go topless and giggle like this: "he he", when they get fondled. Blame it on me; I'm the guy who makes it jump when I spy someone peeking into my stall at it.

    I thought that was an unwritten law of any gay club restrooms, because looking doesn't hurt. As far as touching, you are a hot guy and the touchers, yes, cross a line, but the odds of being penalized for it are very low.

    So there you have it, the cure. If you want this behavior to stop at a gay club, impose a penalty, but what to do? You could pop them yourself, but I’ve been hit by a gay man…..doesn’t hurt. You could call the cops, but, LOL, they’d laugh at you. Lastly, you could date Chuck Norris, take him with you, and tell him when your ass gets patted.


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    Jun 22, 2009 4:13 PM GMT
    Hrrrm, my view is that, touch my ass once fine, go ahead, grope me again and you're asking for a smack in the face.
    One night I was out at this club called heaven a manager thrust up on me and I called him out on it. He didn't like that I did so and kicked me out. :O
    No worries though, I spoke to another manager got back in, and the other manager (who was hot) took my number, rang me the next day apologised and said that perv was being "reviewed". So it's always good to speak out if you don't like the attention you're receiving.
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    Jun 22, 2009 4:14 PM GMT
    How does someone get his hand down your pants to fondle your genitals without your cooperation?
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    Jun 22, 2009 4:15 PM GMT
    Caslon11000 saidHow does someone gets his hand down your pants to fondle your genitals without your cooperation?


    QFT
  • docbailey2005

    Posts: 362

    Jun 22, 2009 4:15 PM GMT
    mistic_man saidMy dear,

    60 my ass wait until you're 30 or 40 you will be begging for someoen to grope you.





    When you hit 60 ...you will beg for these old days. So lighten up. Brush it off and move on. No need to do a thesis on the topic of gayness at a night club. I can't tell you how many times I am messed with...I just do not let it bug me....you will get over it in time...


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 22, 2009 4:18 PM GMT
    You should have been a bit more forward. And yes, that is what happens when you let it happen...

    Be more aggressive or take the punishment.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 22, 2009 4:24 PM GMT
    that's at least 3-6 free drinks you passed up. : )
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 22, 2009 4:25 PM GMT
    Westwoood saidthat's at least 3-6 free drinks you passed up. : )


    i feel the need to say qft again
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 22, 2009 4:30 PM GMT
    that sounds about right, but in NY you dont just pee on another person in the club bathrooms ... . and where was the orgy at, did they have a back room?
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    Jun 22, 2009 4:32 PM GMT
    the same thing happened to me at splash...and I never went back....I love, Hells kitchen, Therapy and Vlada seem to be more like what you are looking for?
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    Jun 22, 2009 4:37 PM GMT
    yes it occurs and is just part of who people are both st8 and guy. I still get groped and have dealt w/ it ever since I came out.

    I usually remove their hand and say nicely thats not yours or ask before touching please. I have found guys will behave then.
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    Jun 22, 2009 4:44 PM GMT
    civicevolution saidthe same thing happened to me at splash...and I never went back....I love, Hells kitchen, Therapy and Vlada seem to be more like what you are looking for?

    I only know Therapy, a bit snoozy, while Splash is gonna provide that over-sexed experience. Our OP could try the Monster near the Stonewall, a wider range, from the pathetic old queens around the piano, to an often Latino mix in the basement. If he's got some money and professional demeanor he might consider the Townhouse at midtown. Anyone groping there would likely be tossed out on the sidewalk, by a patron's personal bodyguard, no less.
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    Jun 22, 2009 4:50 PM GMT
    Saturday night, gay guys, alcohol --yup all the ingredients for groping, flirting and depending on perspective, inappropriate behavior. You'd be surprised at how many guys actually would and do enjoy that type of attention.

    I'm a fan of having my own space, unless I make it known to someone that it's ok for them to dance or touch me.

    Sounds like you were having a good time early before people started getting drunk and looking for their Saturday night piece to leave with..

    Welcome to the NYC gay scene...avoid the clubs if that's not what you're into b/c you'll find that it is very common. On the positive side, take it as a compliment b/c obviously they found you attractive or else nobody would've looked your way..hehe