sensitive subject.....

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 24, 2009 2:01 AM GMT
    here goes, this is a pretty sensitive subject and i dont think too many people have had to deal with this especially at my age. I was dating a guy, the love of my life and honestly, i had stopped looking for anything other than this guy. I was still in school and he was between jobs, so it was a long distance relationship, but we made time to talk every day and to spend breaks and holidays together. when i graduated the end plan was to move in together and start a life. here's where it gets sensitive. he passed away january first of this year.

    there have been so many different emotions involved with the entire situation, but mostly sadness and loss of what would be. ive often wondered what would happen now seeing that i had found what i thought was mr right. im sorry that this isn't really a discussion post, but more of me just trying to get some advice. i have tried dating and i just moved from a small town to chicago and i guess i had really high expectations that while i was unloading my car a new mr right would come and sweep me off my feet. sadly, i have met a few people, but no real sparks. i keep finding the faults in them even if they are so minute. i am really not sure how to handle this and even what i should do. if anyone else has dealt with this situation please feel free to comment, or anyone who has any advice.

    i think that i am ready to try getting out there again, well let me rephrase that, i feel that i want to be ready to get out there....
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Jun 24, 2009 2:09 AM GMT
    You need time to heal. Right now, just focus on friends and try to build a life for yourself. He can't be replaced in your heart, but I'm sure he wouldn't want you to be alone for the rest of your life.
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    Jun 24, 2009 2:53 AM GMT
    Timberoo saidYou need time to heal. Right now, just focus on friends and try to build a life for yourself. He can't be replaced in your heart, but I'm sure he wouldn't want you to be alone for the rest of your life.

    Yes, and time heals all wounds. Both my current partner & I each lost our previous partner to AIDS. Not only did they die, but we had to watch them die, with nothing we could do to prevent it.

    Each of us was devastated, uncertain what the future would bring. It was toughest right afterwards, of course, but every day was a little easier, even if we didn't always realize at the time. Then we found each other, and started life over.

    What makes this a cruel & unfair tragedy ironically gives you the great advantage of age, and the resilience that youth brings. Mourn your lover now, remember him, but know that the hurt will ease one day, and life will continue. Our best to you.
  • creature

    Posts: 5197

    Jun 24, 2009 2:54 AM GMT
    I'm so sorry for your loss.

    Just handle it one day at a time. Don't force yourself into a situation just because it becomes available. Carefully proceed.

    Your last statement speaks volumes. You wrote that you're ready, and then you corrected yourself to say that you want to be ready. Because you feel that you are not, you need to take those necessary steps. It begins, as Timberoo advised, not to find a replacement.

    Whether it's a good or bad relationship, the next person you find won't be a replacement, rather he will fill an empty slot you are making available to him.

    And whoever comes next will be in a difficult situation because the image you have of your late boyfriend is one of near perfection. I don't know how many years you two were together, but is it safe to assume that the long distance plus that short time span meant that you two barely had your ups and downs? Like you guys barely had any arguments? If this is the case, the bar is set pretty high and if you try to compare the next man in your life to your previous one, he obviously won't compare. And it'll be an unfair comparison. I think this is why you keep finding faults.

    My suggestion is to look beyond the minute faults. And if you can't, maybe you should try to come to terms with your own faults — whatever they may be. Instead of asking yourself if you can accept him with his faults, ask yourself if he can accept you with yours. This will help you relate to the next guy you meet. Nobody's perfect.

    By faults, I mean petty things. I'm not referring to abusive and destructive behavior.

    Take care
  • kjomart

    Posts: 30

    Jun 24, 2009 7:52 AM GMT
    Man, sorry to hear that bud. Time does heal all wounds, but sometimes it takes a lot of time. My best advice is to surround yourself with friends and family.....they're the best support and they give you so much love. Also focus on yourself and your life....I don't know how old you are, but take the time to get to know yourself and find what you want to do in life and the pieces of the puzzle will start to fit all in. I don't know how many friends you have in Chicago, but keep the ones that you currently have close to you and try to find some more.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 24, 2009 8:00 AM GMT
    Timberoo saidYou need time to heal. Right now, just focus on friends and try to build a life for yourself. He can't be replaced in your heart, but I'm sure he wouldn't want you to be alone for the rest of your life.


    I'll second that.

    !0 years ago. Something happened to me, and I though I would never get over it, and be my old self agin. But over the past few years, the pain has healed, but I'm never going to be the old me agin.

    But life has moved on, and I no longer hurt fro the moment I awake, to the moment that I fall asleep again. Yet I still think of it every day, but not all day.
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    Jun 24, 2009 8:10 AM GMT
    It takes enough time just to find someone. Also as you get older and change, so will what you want. Finally whenever you lose someone or break up, you don't want more heart break so maybe are not as open as before.

    It just takes time. Be patient and enjoy getting to know people.
  • Ironman4U

    Posts: 738

    Jun 24, 2009 1:11 PM GMT
    So sorry for your loss bud. As stated already, dealing with grief and loss takes time. Let it happen naturally.

    It's great that you're open to a new love and as long as you remain open, it's all good. I'm a firm believer in the Law of Attraction. So, my advice is to write down exactly what you want in a PERFECT relationship. No sense in settling when it comes to a soulmate.

    The list is actually very helpful for when you're seriously considering a new guy. If you just want to date and have fun, you can do that with lots of great guys. But if you're looking for your soulmate, you want to do a little extra scrutiny. Having the list that you've determined ahead of time, keeps you true to your heart's desire...and not distracted by your lustful desires. LOL.

    Once you've put it on paper, you can put it out there in the universe. It's amazing what you attract when you do this. I can give countless examples of how this simple technique works. But first, you must BELIEVE.

    Good luck man. Follow your heart.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 24, 2009 1:25 PM GMT


    Hey gbaby21011,

    Both of us extend our sorrow and compassion to you.

    This is Doug of meninlove, I believe we continue after we Cross, so would like you to consider that your guy will want you to be happy and enjoy each day, for you and for him. Imagine yourself Crossed over instead of him. What would you want for him?

    I hope this helps in some small way.

    You've found an interesting place to get to know people. Here!

    So, my good man, welcome to RealJock, eh? icon_wink.gif


    Bill of meninlove says Hi
  • RSportsguy

    Posts: 1925

    Jun 24, 2009 1:29 PM GMT
    I am so sorry for your loss Gbaby! I agree with the guys here that you need time to heal. I wish you the best and I hope we can help here!
  • Matia79

    Posts: 215

    Jun 24, 2009 1:45 PM GMT
    I went through a situation where my very first love and I had been separated. Not so much a death, but it was something that sure as hell felt like it for both parties. The mourning and emotions are absolutely insane and struck at any time in any circumstance. And the worst part of it all was that I was completely alone.

    It's been said time and time again above, you really should take your time. But look -- you're starting a whole new life; you're in new surroundings and setting up a whole new way of life. Concentrate on that! Seriously! Take the idea of love out of the equation right now . . . it's only reminding you of what's no longer there at the moment. Really focus on your new life and making new friends, establishing a routine for yourself and exploring the city. Let the dating and the love thing come naturally. If you set it up arbitrarily you will run into the exact problem you've already seen - you'll see fault in everyone (no matter how insignificant)...and that's only because you're unconciously doing a comparision (which isn't really fair to them or to you). I think you know in your heart you're not ready yet. The worst thing you can do is rush this. When you're ready, it'll happen. There's nothing saying you HAVE to be in a coupling. Just be 'you' for now and let the 'we' fall into place.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 24, 2009 1:47 PM GMT
    It took me 3 years ( probably too long) for me to heal after losing a loved one to be willing to go back to the dating game. Focus on yourself right now. Everything else will follow afterwards.
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    Jul 01, 2009 4:18 AM GMT
    Deep wounds take longer to heal. But they always heal.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 01, 2009 4:23 AM GMT
    damn....

    If this is your first love, its hard to date other people because you never forget the one you really loved.
  • gumbosolo

    Posts: 382

    Jul 01, 2009 4:36 AM GMT
    Sorry for your loss, and good on you for focusing on moving on. Because your relationship was so strong, you know what's possible-- what you can achieve with someone else-- is that what you want now, or are you looking for something less committed? If a second soulmate is what you want, the best way to find him is to focus on you and on becoming what you want to be as an individual. That plus meeting people is a great way to meet new friends, which you will need in this new city, and somewhere your new guy will surprise you. Good luck.
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    Jul 01, 2009 4:38 AM GMT
    Oh gosh. I'm so sorry to hear that. The other posters are right. It's going to take time and you'll learn to accept that nobody is going to quite the same to you as he was. Every relationship will be a little different from the next and it won't be fair to yourself if you try to hold these other guys to his standard. You'll learn that your next big love can be just as deep, but not quite the same and that's the way it should be. *HUGS*