You can retire to .....

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 26, 2009 3:31 AM GMT
    You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where......
    1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
    2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
    3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
    4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
    5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
    6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!



    You can retire to California where...
    1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
    2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
    3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
    4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
    5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
    6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.



    You can retire to New York City where...
    1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ....
    2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
    3. You think Central Park is "nature."
    4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
    5. You've worn out a car horn. ( Ed note: if you have a car)


    You can retire to Maine where...
    1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
    2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
    3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
    4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
    5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.



    You can retire to the Deep South where...
    1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
    2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
    3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
    4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
    5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.



    You can retire to Colorado where...
    1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car .
    2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
    3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
    4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.



    You can retire to the Midwest where...
    1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
    2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
    3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
    4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at? "
    5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"



    AND You can retire to Florida where..
    1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
    2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
    3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
    4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
    5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Jun 26, 2009 4:10 AM GMT
    Great post. I laughed out loud at some of them.

    "6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought."

    Hey, in San Francisco, we've never had flood or mud, and only very mild drought. But, we did have a rather nasty fire after the big quake in 1906.
  • creature

    Posts: 5197

    Jun 26, 2009 4:31 AM GMT
    Nothing about Washington D.C.?

    But now that I thought about it... who would want to retire in Washington D.C.?
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    Jun 26, 2009 4:47 AM GMT
    creature saidNothing about Washington D.C.?

    But now that I thought about it... who would want to retire in Washington D.C.?


    John McCain did want...

    And I laughed so hard at the seasons from California...
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    Jun 26, 2009 4:53 AM GMT
    I guess this explains why we have so many halfbacks around here. (New Yorkers who retire in Florida and then move halfway back.)

    Colorado sounds pretty good to me.
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    Jun 26, 2009 6:05 AM GMT
    Or you could retire to scenic Alaska, where:

    1. Your daily driver is 4 wheel drive, or a Subaru:
    a. Bumperstickers for said Subaru do not come with the car.
    b. Subarus are not allowed to move faster than 5mph below the speed limit.

    2. You have a daily driver, because there is no real public transport system beyond the downtown area. (Anchorage is the exception)

    3. In the winter, you start your car 30 min early with your handheld autostart, from the comfy warmth and safety of your living room. This is just so it will drive, not drive comfortably.

    4. Your co-worker recalls how last year he had to walk his daughter to the school bus stop - because of the wolves. (seriously.)

    5. Your annual PFD check from oil revenues can cover the bill for one month of heating for your house in the winter. Or a new jet-ski.

    6. There are three seasons: Winter, Summer, and Break-up. (When all the ice takes approx. 3 months to melt.)

  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Jun 26, 2009 6:52 AM GMT

    I'll take Maine, please.

    it's a great, great state.
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    Jun 26, 2009 7:20 AM GMT
    You can retire to Seattle Washington where….

    1. When you say you’re going “Up the Hill” everyone intuitively knows which of the four hills you are referring to.

    2. You can stand next to a bicycle cop at a Solstice festival with a lit joint in your hand while he waits for nude cyclists to break the law.

    3. You will know that “Yeah let’s get together next week” is code for “I’m going to think about it, but committing to anything that requires me to communicate via anything other than electronic media gives me strange feelings inside’’.

    4. You think that sitting in traffic could replace waterboarding as the preferred method of interrogating GITMO detainees, but you’re outraged that your taxes are going to improving and expanding mass transit and that goddamned fucking monorail!

    5. If you’re of Norwegian descent you sometimes panic when you enter Ballard because you think you have died and gone to Valhalla because all you can see are Nordic centenarians who must surely have died decades ago.

    6. You can argue endlessly with your friends about what small chain or private coffee shop is the best, but always end up compromising and going to Starbucks even though you, in principle, despise their coffee.

    7. You’ll come to smile sweetly at and jubilantly welcome newly arrived immigrants from California only to turn to your friends when they are out of earshot and wish them to all get run over by the #43 bus for moving here and driving property taxes up.

    8. You go to Pike Place Market and secretly hope that one of the fish throwers miscalculates and hits a tourist in the face with a 50 pound salmon.
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    Jun 26, 2009 2:25 PM GMT
    My section of the country is not discussed, obviously because I live in the perfect part of the country! PHILLY!

    Don't have to deal with DC snobs or NYC princesses. 1.5 hours from the beach, 1.5 hours from skiing, you can see all 4 seasons, and the taxes aren't too bad!
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    Jun 26, 2009 2:34 PM GMT
    Hey, who's a snob? DC guys are just shy!icon_mad.gif
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    Jun 26, 2009 2:35 PM GMT
    thank you all for starting my Friday off with a smile!!
  • danisnotstr8

    Posts: 2579

    Jun 26, 2009 3:26 PM GMT
    This is pretty funny. It makes American life seem pretty grim...
  • SFGeoNinja

    Posts: 510

    Jun 26, 2009 3:36 PM GMT
    The Seattle bit is right on!

    Come to Seattle...where girls strip down to bikinis and guys take off their shirts the first day it hits 65 degrees out...
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    Jun 26, 2009 10:13 PM GMT
    davidp7 saidThe Seattle bit is right on!

    Come to Seattle...where girls strip down to bikinis and guys take off their shirts the first day it hits 65 degrees out...


    -Where moving to the Burbs or the East Side means nobody will actually acknowledge your existence unless you have crossed back over into the proper city limits.

    -Where if you haven't actually seen Bill Gates standing in line at Dick's, then you know 37 other people who have.

    -You pretend not to be intimidated by loud urban youths as you cross 3rd and Pine.

    -You will stare in fascination at the EMP from your balcony every day, but have absolutely no intention of ever visiting it.

    -You'll form extreme opinions of sushi, but find yourself picking plates off the conveyor at Sushi Land far more often that you go to Wasabi Bistro.

    -You will bitch and moan about eating at The Broadway Grill, but always end up there because it's the only place in town that has decent sweet potato fries. You also enjoy melting the ice in the urinal trough when you have to pee.
  • TallGWMvballe...

    Posts: 1925

    Jun 26, 2009 10:21 PM GMT
    O M G! really great and funny guys!

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    Jun 26, 2009 10:27 PM GMT
    Caslon11000 said
    You can retire to California where...
    1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
    2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
    3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
    4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
    5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
    6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
    OK Caslon, that's total BS. I've been here for 30 years, will probably retire here in 4 and I still have NO idea how to eat one of the f@#king artichokes! But I do agree with the rest of them! HA! Nice post.
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    Jun 26, 2009 10:32 PM GMT
    eb925guy said... and I still have NO idea how to eat one of the f@#king artichokes!

    That's understandable. You have been in the closet for 50 years. You have some catching up to do. ....especially with your make-up ... icon_eek.gif ... dude, you were not a pretty sight that night dragging it up and down 23rd St. ....But did I say anything??? .... hell no, I was perfect gentleman ... icon_wink.gif ... well, except maybe for that car door incident...but I was trying to save your last.....LAST!.... shred of masculinity! Really....I was!
  • Puppy80

    Posts: 451

    Jun 26, 2009 10:35 PM GMT
    If your talking about Chicago Midwest, you have to add the seasons

    Winter, and Road Construction

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    Jun 26, 2009 10:45 PM GMT
    Caslon11000 said
    eb925guy said... and I still have NO idea how to eat one of the f@#king artichokes!

    That's understandable. You have been in the closet for 50 years. You have some catching up to do. ....especially with your make-up ... icon_eek.gif ... dude, you were not a pretty sight that night dragging it up and down 23rd St. ....But did I say anything??? .... hell no, I was perfect gentleman ... icon_wink.gif ... well, except maybe for that car door incident...but I was trying to save your last.....LAST!.... shred of masculinity! Really....I was!
    HA! How can I thank you enough! Perhaps a new set of pumps? or a nice pink sweater?
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    Jun 26, 2009 11:09 PM GMT
    GuerrillaSodomite saidYou also enjoy melting the ice in the urinal trough when you have to pee [at the Broadway Grill].

    OMG! They're still doing that? LMAO! I always wondered the reason for the ice, presumed it was just their way of disposing of ice as they needed to replace with fresh behind the bar. Warm piss is good at melting more quickly. And the Seattle area is one of the few places where those open troughs are still in use. Ah, memories...
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    Jun 26, 2009 11:41 PM GMT



    You can retire to the Midwest where...
    1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
    2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
    3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
    4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at? "
    5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"



    So very true.
  • wander2340

    Posts: 176

    Jun 27, 2009 12:03 AM GMT
    In Phoenix we are currently transitioning from "very hot" to "are you kidding me" LOL Time to hit the pool.