Did you ever wonder if you "pulled the plug" too early in a relationship?

  • silverfox

    Posts: 3178

    Jun 30, 2009 4:02 AM GMT
    Hindsight is 20/20?
    Right guy, wrong time?
    Did he snore and you couldn't take it?
    Maybe you were having a bad day and you said something and he said something and then before you know it you called it quits...perhaps too soon?
    Maybe you were tired of waiting for him to "change" (and maybe you found out sometime soon after you left him... he did change)
    Maybe there was a lack of communication that you could not tolerate.

    Or maybe you were just stubborn.

    "What the heck----if it was meant to be it would have been meant to be....right?"
    Maybe.


    I am sure many might say "what's the point" in looking back, but sometimes someone can learn from the experiences of others.

    For me, I do wonder if I have ended things to soon with men that I was establishing relationships with. I am a black and white kind of guy...but sometimes there are "grays".

    At a much younger age, I left a guy because he cheated on me. Even though he told me immediately and was so upset with himself that he couldn't stop crying. At the time I could only see that he was unfaithful, but didn't recognize the other qualities he demonstrated- the ability to admit a mistake and the ability to ask for forgiveness.

    Looking back now I would probably not have been so cut and dry with the decision to pack up and move on. People do make mistakes....
    He is a great guy with a partner of 17 years now.

    How about you?
    Did you ever feel that you may have ended a relationship too quickly?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 30, 2009 4:05 AM GMT
    hmmm I've ended friendships a little to quickly.. not relationships though, I hadn't dated much anyway, just messed around heh

    last one though the longest I'd ever been in, I think it's for the best, regardless of what I wanted or liked it was needed for both us..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 30, 2009 4:58 AM GMT


    Gosh, SILVERFOX1, when you said this, "Looking back now I would probably not have been so cut and dry with the decision to pack up and move on. People do make mistakes....
    He is a great guy with a partner of 17 years now."

    ...the first thing I thought is perhaps doing what you did taught him something.


  • silverfox

    Posts: 3178

    Jun 30, 2009 5:24 AM GMT
    meninlove said

    Gosh, SILVERFOX1, when you said this, "Looking back now I would probably not have been so cut and dry with the decision to pack up and move on. People do make mistakes....
    He is a great guy with a partner of 17 years now."

    ...the first thing I thought is perhaps doing what you did taught him something.




    Never looked at it that way... good point meninlove.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 30, 2009 6:17 AM GMT

    LOL you know SILVERFOX1, I used to consider myself all my ex's learning experience...they went on to such great relationships and I sat there drumming my fingers, figuratively, thinking, "Yeah great."


    ...then came Mr Bill...so guess I learned a lot too.


    -Doug
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Jun 30, 2009 6:51 AM GMT
    Absolutely.
    I still think of him as the "one great love of my life."
    I spoiled him and let him get used to me paying for everything. Then, I grew to resent the fact that he never opened his wallet.
    When we were breaking up, I remember him saying, "Don't you want to talk about it ?" And, like an idiot, I said, "There's nothing to talk about."
    I've always regretted it, and wished I had that one to do over. Shrug.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 30, 2009 7:05 AM GMT
    I think I'm in that moment now. This guy I'm seeing (not even sure if we are boyfriends or what) works overseas regularly - 1 month on 1 month off - and just announced he has a 6 month project in Puerto Rico. I'm not sure if I should just call it quits for now or at least try and keep in touch and see if we can keep it going in the meantime.

    We are going to the US in about 4 weeks for a holiday and to be honest I want this to be the best time we have but I'm not sure if I'm ever going to see him again when the holiday is over.

    I just wish there was a handbook to relationships! icon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 30, 2009 7:11 AM GMT
    Sometimes, we do get do-overs. I have had two great loves. One, I call the love of my life because that 5 year relationship taught me all that is needed to know about the good and bad in relationships. The other I call a love lost because we were so stupid we dated the same people at different times, but never each other and always had long conversations about taking it to the next level. I let both of them go their own way without question. Randy, the 5 year one, I think we would still be together if I had just been a little more aggressive and possessive. Jade, the lost love, and I would most definately be together if I had just told him that I loved him and fought for him. I didn't. Two very hard lessons to learn. I would say to all the guys to make sure you have done everything you can to make sure the decision to leave is the right one with no second guessing. You really wouldn't be in love if it wasn't worth that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 30, 2009 7:28 AM GMT
    ErikTaurean saidRandy, the 5 year one, I think we would still be together if I had just been a little more aggressive and possessive. Jade, the lost love, and I would most definately be together if I had just told him that I loved him and fought for him.


    I don't know if that always works though. Guess we can try but right now I feel trying to be more aggressive is pushing him away. I'm thinking of just backing off a bit and letting him do some thinking. Perhaps just give him some space.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 30, 2009 7:32 AM GMT
    sydney_cider said
    ErikTaurean saidRandy, the 5 year one, I think we would still be together if I had just been a little more aggressive and possessive. Jade, the lost love, and I would most definately be together if I had just told him that I loved him and fought for him.


    I don't know if that always works though. Guess we can try but right now I feel trying to be more aggressive is pushing him away. I'm thinking of just backing off a bit and letting him do some thinking. Perhaps just give him some space.


    I found out later that is what Randy wanted me to do. His mom called me a while after we broke up and told me this. She said it was not in him to come after me, but wanted me to do it. By this time, it was too late because I was pretty messed up when this relationship ended. It took me two years to get over the loss of the relationship and 5 years to get over him. That is why I say I should have done more to say the relationship. Backing off was the final nail in the coffin.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 30, 2009 10:27 AM GMT
    ErikTaurean said
    I found out later that is what Randy wanted me to do. His mom called me a while after we broke up and told me this. She said it was not in him to come after me, but wanted me to do it. By this time, it was too late because I was pretty messed up when this relationship ended. It took me two years to get over the loss of the relationship and 5 years to get over him. That is why I say I should have done more to say the relationship. Backing off was the final nail in the coffin.


    Thanks for the inspiration Erik, I think it is too early for me to pull the plug, but I would like the guy I'm dating to make up his mind as to what he wants. It feels like he keeps me at arms distance but gripping onto me like he doesn't want me to go, yet he cannot express it in words.

  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jun 30, 2009 10:48 AM GMT
    Nope ... if anything I waited until the fuse blew icon_confused.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 30, 2009 3:28 PM GMT
    Is it really ever forever with a gay guy anyway? Even the ones that have been together forever involve third parties now.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 30, 2009 3:42 PM GMT



    ...they do? icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 30, 2009 3:49 PM GMT
    God no I should have pulled it sooner because he was two kinds of CRAZY!
    We just weren't good for each other. It does not mean it would not be good to someone else. If he is you know that's great.

    But there is no guarrantee the bliss is has found with someone else would have been found with me. I was not going to wait around and see. You can't change anyone unless they want to change.

    I have never thought for one second that maybe I made a mistake.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 30, 2009 3:56 PM GMT
    Did you ever wonder if you "pulled the plug" too early in a relationship?

    Yeah, cause it was my first, and I didn't know enough about gay relationships. I really fell for this guy, and we did great for about 3 months. Then he started acting strangely, and told me he had begun taking Prozac for depression.

    Seems his ex had reappeared on the scene, having broken up only a couple of months before we had met. Now the ex was demanding a portion of the house, or some kind of alternate financial settlement, and this was stressing out my new BF.

    I knew they had begun meeting each other again, ostensibly to work out these matters, but I became suspicious, and thought there might be more to it. I didn't like having been kept in the dark about his past, and felt insecure about my future with him.

    Plus I felt inadequate in how I could help him through it, doubting I was able to give him the emotional support he needed. I was the novice here, that he was bringing out into the gay world; I was lost when it came to guiding a gay man through this trauma.

    So I did the "noble" thing and broke it off, thinking he had too much on his plate with me in the picture. Perhaps we could pick things up again when his life got back together.

    Well, he did make a settlement, and got to keep his house. But in the meantime, another less principled guy latched onto him, and took over his life like a Svengali. I have never seen anything like it before or since, and all my gay friends agreed this guy was an opportunistic manipulator, who took advantage of my BF at a vulnerable time.

    So I regret my decision to leave him not only for myself, but for him, as well. I left him fragile and susceptible to exploitation, and that's exactly what happened.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Jun 30, 2009 4:25 PM GMT
    no, my hindsight involves guys I should have taken the plunge with but didn't
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19119

    Jun 30, 2009 4:26 PM GMT
    silverfox1 said

    How about you?
    Did you ever feel that you may have ended a relationship too quickly?


    No, but I have wondered if HE ended the relationship to quickly. Actually, I know he did icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 30, 2009 4:32 PM GMT
    Actually, as I look back on the last three years with my ex, I think we SHOULD have pulled the plug earlier. That's honestly not meant to be a slam on him or myself... it's just that ol' 20/20 hindsight. Maybe the feeling's mutual.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 30, 2009 4:35 PM GMT
    I always wait too long before pulling the plug. But I'm a hopeless romantic, and far too patient.

    I'm learning the importance of the word "synchronicity".
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 30, 2009 4:43 PM GMT
    For me it was too late (too long into) the relationship. Waiting for him to quit smoking, balance mutual responsibily, become more sympathetic. Now I've learned to do due diligence. It's paying out in spades!
  • swogdog

    Posts: 143

    Jun 30, 2009 4:51 PM GMT
    RuggerATX saidI always wait too long before pulling the plug. But I'm a hopeless romantic, and far too patient.


    Same here. I'm learning when excessive patience is actually a detriment to me, instead of a positive.
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Jun 30, 2009 5:07 PM GMT
    The first guy I really dated i moved on because of work. I think I always knew I was going to go on tour and move to Atlanta. I love my current guy, 7 years. We are very very happy, but I do know that me and my x wish things have turned out differently. Now the ex I am refering to was almost 4 years before my current husband so it's not like I left one and went to the arms of another. I had many...many.. in between Some I dated some I just screwed around with.
    I do know I've had 3 or 4 guys that in hind sight we have both said.. Why didn't we date? what was up>
    So fellas if you like someone..go for it.
    Cheers
    and Cheers to all my guys. I miss you all.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 30, 2009 5:09 PM GMT
    RuggerATX saidI always wait too long before pulling the plug. But I'm a hopeless romantic, and far too patient.



    I have to say I fall into Ruggers' statement. I put far too much effort, and have at times compromised my ideals to keep things together, even though they are destined for failure.

    But as many have said in this thread, they have learned from their past - hindsight is 20/20.