There I finally said it. On 5/20/09 I went to the Dr. to get my cholesterol checked because of heart disease in my family and my mother would not leave me alone about it. I had not been HIV tested in about 7 years, I know you dont have to say it. I figured what the hell, while I am here and your drawing blood anyway....so I got tested.
I really had no thoughts or fears about it. I was in a monogamous relationship for 5 years and married before that so I knew I was ok. No worries.
2 days later I get the call to come in....my heart was racing....I figured it must be the cholesterol or something....she lays out the paper work in front of me and pretty as you please says "your test came back positive" I was in complete and utter shock....no emotion whatsoever. They did a 2nd test to be "positive" or "sure" and again the next day over the phone this time she says "your positive".
Since then my life and world have been torn upside down. I have told some of my best friends and of course my bf and he has not been tested yet. He wasnt tested for about 7 or 8 years before we met either.
Was he all along? Did he get it while we were together from someone? These are questions that race through my mind....but it doesnt matter now...I have it and have to take care of myself. It does no good to wonder and worry now.
I finally went to IDC and had my first appt. My blood work finally came back and the hits just keep comin.....my #'s are terrible. My cd4 is 94 and my VL is 380,000. Another big wammy that I just cant believe. I feel absolutely fine. I workout, bike ride, run, hike play with my kids and etc...wtf???!!
So I have to go in on the 16th and be put on meds. Do I blame my bf? I want to but I cant....I blame myself for being so stupid to think this would never happen to me. I blame myself for being naive enough not to use protection to protect myself. I blame myself for allowing this to come into my life and cause so much strife. I blame me.
One thing about it is, it has made me value my life so much more. Everyday I am noticing things I havent before. I am finding time to do things I wouldnt have before. I want to learn new things that I am completely terrified of like swimming.
Life is to short for any of us...but now I have to fight to keep my life healthy, strong and productive. I have decided to live with HIV, not die with it.
Why am I writing this you may ask? Honestly for my own peace of mind. This is the first time I have admitted in a public type setting of my status. It is so difficult, demeaning and excrutiating because I know I am looked down on by others, especially other hiv- gay men....and that hurts.
I am also stating all of this to let others know....trust no one but yourself...no matter what your relationship status is, single, open, monogamous, play together....whatever....trust no one, only yourself...no one is going to protect you but you.
Since having been diagnosed I cant tell you how many guys I have read about in forums or chatted with that got their hiv from their partner. Some are still together. I am still with my partner and when he is tested, no matter what his results I will stand by him as he has by me...because I do love him.
Would our life be easier without this disease? Hell yes. Would I want to leave him and try to be with someone else? Hell no. We have our own set of problems, but I love him and believe he loves me. It is so hard in our world and time to find real love and I believe he does love me, wether he may have made a mistake or not.
thanks for listening to me and bring on the criticisms and judgements...I am ready...I am owning my disease, I know its my fault and I will live my life to fullest with love, pride and dignity....will you?
MadeNUSA saidWhy do you feel anyone would criticize or judge? I'm sure everyone will say we wish you the best.
Not really meaning guys on this site specifically...I am referring to people in general. There are a number of men on this site that are pretty critical and judgemental but over all I think everyone would be supportive.
HIV still has such a stigma attached to it, like we are all whores, gang bangers, drug users or whatever. I have been married, then in mongamous relationships and have raised 2 of my kids and am raising my youngest child now.
I want people to know it can happen to you...to anyone if you dont protect yourself, thats all.
judging you would be wrong. Thank you for laying out your angst I hope it helps in the healing. Good luck, you seem to have a good grip on what needs to be done. Moving forward and enjoying everyday is a good idea. No reason to dwell on what is done or how it came to be.
Wow! It's seems that you have taken complete stock and responsibility and thats great. I have no judgments only well wishes that you stay healthy. It's wonderful that you have such a great support system.
The fact that you won't allow this disease to cripple you, your family, or your perspective on life is empowering. I'm sure others like myself are encouraged by someone who exhibits such a healthy approach to an otherwise terrifying situation.
I'm glad to see that this world has people such as yourself in it, to be open and unashamed when discussing such a private issue--as a cathartic measure and PSA.
I am sorry for your situation but very inspired by your willingness to share your story. I wish you nothing but the best. I do not know what kind of services are available down where you live but if you need help finding local services do not hesitate to ask. I have contacts here that are connected all over and are always willing to help people make connections, get meds, counseling or whatever.
I can't imagine what you have been going through, but I know you are right. It could happen to any of us. No need to judge. You have my empathy and respect for having the courage to step forward and declare your status in a public forum.
Glad that you are seeing how special and precious life is through your experience. Not that I would want you to have to go through what you're going through to value each day. You provide us all with a great reminder that we should not take anything for granted and that we should appreciate all that is wonderful in our lives. Thanks for sharing.
MadeNUSA saidWhy do you feel anyone would criticize or judge? I'm sure everyone will say we wish you the very best on this new path you must now walk.
Not to be overly blunt, but there is plenty of judgement and ostracism in this community, on this very site in fact. This is the mother of all dealbreakers apparently. This being a no longer fatal disease, you can probably guess what the problem is...
I wrote a LONNNGG message brow beating you, but I erased it. As these are behaviors that get one black listed in social forums, I decided against it....even if I am already black listed.
I commend you on the tact and adult demeanor you have taken with this, as it would have been very easy to fall into a self-deprecating, blame all game. Glad to see you're fighting.
My heart and best wishes go out to you. I found out a very close friend of mine was diagnosed just last week and he's struggling with the news. I'll be sure to show him your story so he realizes he's not alone. Your courage and spirit are commendable and I wish you nothing but the best.
I'm certainly behind you... sorry you've had such a time over the last month.
I certainly respect your attitude at this point with the whole situation, sounds very responsible and reasonable given the emotional circumstances. Thanks for taking the time to share such a personal experience with us... We should all learn from what you have said....
It is totally awesome for you to be willing to share your story. Although for you it's probably on way of dealing with the news, it's also typically you, a guy who thinks of others and show care and compassion by sharing. We all benefit from your story as a reminder to hardships we all could face and encouragement of how we can control how we deal with them. Thanks!
You're doing the BEST thing possible by staying positive about the whole situation. No medication or therapies work better than positive thinking. Continue to work out and stay healthy.
I cant tell you what all your words of encouragement mean to me. I am sitting here with tears in my eyes. I wrote all of this not knowing what type of response I would get, especially with all of this being so new to me.
I had thought of deleting my profile awhile back from here, but now I am so very glad I didnt. All of you guys are proof there are great guys out there!!!
I am so thankful to you all for taking the time to write your responses, they do not go unnoticed! Thank you so very much.
Thank you for sharing; I think that after having received that, you really begin to appreciate life more to its fullest because you know your own situation...
It really isnt that big of a deal, my best friend is positive and from what I have heard and know, it is actually "worse" (if you can use that word) having diabetes..
It is good you were retested. Sometimes they can come back as a false positive.
Here is my story:
I had just moved back to Austin, Texas from California and needed to find a job. I saw in the paper a research study that paid very well. When they checked to see if I was healthy enough for it I was told that my heart rate was a little elevated and that may disqualify me but they would let me know. They gave me an MRI and drew some blood.
About a month later (February) I was on the way to a job interview and got a call. They told me that I needed to come in as soon as possible. It was a Friday and I told them I would be in that day otherwise I would have to wait until Monday which wasn't going to happen. With my mind racing I remembered the paperwork I had signed about HIV and hepatitis. I could not remember the last time I had been sick or been with anyone in a very long time and kept going back and forth in my mind of what it could be.
I get to the research study building and I am met by this woman that led me to a doctor's room. While we walked she kept staring at me with the look of someone who had complete sympathy for me. I wanted to hit her.
Waiting in the doctor's room and he comes in. He barely looks at me and while looking at his folder he said in a monotone voice, "Your blood shows you have the HIV virus." Then he looks at me like he doesn't really look at me.
Since I had always thought I was safe and hadn't been with anyone for so long I blurted out, "How did that happen? I mean, I know how it happens but how did that happen?" He just looked at me nonchalantly. I told him how I could see how the test tubes could have been switched and he agreed to retest me. On my way out I was again escorted by that damn woman and her damn looks. She said that I would get a call and reminded me that they are not responsible for my care. While I left the building I could hear her telling another woman about me. I really did want to hit her.
I don't know how long I was in my car but I kept thinking. 'What do I do now?' I remembered a clinic I had gone to before I moved out to California to get tested. I drove there, took another test and was told to come back in two weeks.
That's how I spent my Valentines day of 2003.
I told my roommate who I had know for about 10 years. Not only was he shocked that I had it but that he knew how safe I was. (no we never had sex)
For the next two weeks I went through the stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. That was the time that I lost all faith in god. There was a lot of me cussing god and I finally said, "If your trying to teach me something I am sure there is a better way of doing it."
I got the call from the research study first and was told I was positive and that they are not financially responsible for me blah blah blah. Then I went to the clinic. I waited while watching people put condoms, lube, and safe sex pamphlets in little plastic bags. 45 minutes passed and I thought 'Wow, they must really not want to tell me'.
Finally after an hour I was led back to a room with two women. One of them began to tell me about the virus before she told me that I was positive. Finally she just looked at me and said, "You already know don't you?" I said yes and I could see the sigh of relief from both of them.
They helped me get in touch with a doctor and the help I needed. I ended up going through group counseling because I did not have any type of support from any friends and I wasn't about to tell my family. You really do find out who will stick by you in times like this. I did go crazy which took me a very long time to realize. I would do stuff like pay for gas for my car and drive away without pumping it and walking away in the middle of conversations.
First of all, I want to thank you for being honest and open about this. This post might help so many people out there dealing with this issue. Unfortunately, this situation is a reality in our community and bringing it to our attention in such a personal way might make someone who reads it realize that we must take precautions to protect ourselves with every encounter. I'm hoping for the best for you. Take care of yourself.
If there are people who would be mean to you in this situation, I imagine they are mean to others in this situation. It's just sad.
Red, Thanks for sharing your poz diagnosis. I have a good friend who is a physician specializing in HIV. He says that most all his patients are all doing just fine IF they live clean, work out, focus on being healthy, and take their meds. He would encourage you to get started with your meds (which you are doing) and then let the meds help get your T-cells back up and your viral load back down. Good luck and thanks for sharing your situation. Focus on good health!
MadeNUSA saidWhy do you feel anyone would criticize or judge? I'm sure everyone will say we wish you the very best on this new path you must now walk.
Not to be overly blunt, but there is plenty of judgement and ostracism in this community, on this very site in fact. This is the mother of all dealbreakers apparently. This being a no longer fatal disease, you can probably guess what the problem is...
to be perfectly blunt- this is neither the time nor the place for your comment. there's another post going about this issue. Can you make this sort of comment there and let's just leave this post for those who solely want to wish the OP well on his path.
My thoughts and best, healthy vibes are being sent to ya! Nows the time to live up life and enjoy it, don't get down about it, theres no point keep us updated with how you are doing
That is so brave, I'm so sorry for your situation but like you said you have decided to live with HIV, not die with it, that's the key. And this post will help to people that don't have experience on relationships (kof kof like myself), nobody is that important to risk your health, you have to care about yourself first to be capable to care others, good luck.
Thanks for posting. I am blown away recently by the attitude that safe sex and and being POZ is not an issue anymore consequently i know 5 guys that have become POZ in the last year. So what about your boyfriend?
You seem to be dealing with the situation in a very mature fashion. I don't know specifically what to say, but sincerely, good luck to you in everything. No judgement from my corner.
redbull saidI am also stating all of this to let others know....trust no one but yourself...no matter what your relationship status is, single, open, monogamous, play together....whatever....trust no one, only yourself...no one is going to protect you but you.
Very true. I volunteer with a HIV prevention program and this is what we hear and tell all the time.
I had a young friend diagnosed at an early age who became an HIV activist. He took his life this year, and he is missed. But what he did for young people is outstanding. It is very unusual to be open about a positive status and he fought to bring awareness to the disease. http://www.housingworks.org/news-press/detail/kahlo-benavidez-1986-2009/
By being so open about it, I truly commend you. Most guys will not tell anyone about their status, and hide it from the community. They lie, and use it to hurt others. You really must protect yourself guys! I know this because in my community people are tested as positive, but out in the community as negative.
To redbull, you will be thought of as less than human, as less than you deserve. You know that you face stigma by being open, which is why most fail to disclose. Thankfully the stigma is fading, and people like you are helping it to go. Educate yourself and others on how the disease spreads; most Americans have no idea and think there is a cure.
I had a friend who got hiv from his partner of many years. He's in the healthcare field and found out through a routine test - and not because he had any symptoms. He discovered that he had had hiv for many years and didn't know it and that his partner had known he had had it all along. His numbers were similar to yours - meaning, in the tank - although he felt totally fine. He's on meds and his numbers are terrific now.
I know it really doesn't matter at this point since the deed is done - but you should consider trying to discern when you contracted it. You can probably get a standard test to determine the amount of mutation in your virus which can possibly also determine how long you have had it in your body.
Although nothing is 100 percent certain - you are OVERWHELMINGLY most likely to contact hiv through unprotected receptive anal sex - so it's not like you got it from sitting on a toilet in a public restroom or if you say you are monogamous - then you most assuredly got it from your partner. Or ... you got it just before you started dating him 7 years ago and just never knew it til now.
I also have another friend who got it from his boyfriend. He only discovered it when he saw hiv meds in a drawer one day. His boyffriend assumed he knew he had it - so never felt the need to disclose. They were together about 8 months.
Thank you for sharing your moving and courageous story. Your declaration to staying with your bf, regardless of status, and helping him learn his own is a testament of how much love and strength you have for yourself and for your relationship. I wish you, and wish you both, my best.
I have a VERY similar story to yours...and have found most people [in the world and on this site] to be supportive...although you are justified in being guarded as there are those that will be ready to lecture and judge...[as if that is what you need right now]...
With all things new, there is shock and awe...[ok, maybe not awe in this case]. As you learn the HIV medical language, interpret what the numbers mean, and establish a great relationship with your HIV doctor it will become much less intense and more a part of who you are...I promise...
There will continue to be ups and downs in dealing with any chronic illness...and as you are expected to live your life expectancy, my only words of wisdom would be make certain you have a good support network who are good listeners and not afraid to tell you what you NEED to hear not what you WANT to hear...those types of friends and family go far...
You sound like you have a very good head on your shoulders...I am certain it will get you far and keep you on the planet a long time...
phemt saidThank you for sharing. I wish every person that thinks it is safe to bareback with guys they "know" could read your story. Hope all goes well for you.
or the guys who bb w/ only other neg guys. I know there is a large percentage (need to look it up) who are HIV pos but have never tested thus say they are neg.
Redbull, Betterthanone, and others who have shared their own experiences w/HIV - THANK YOU for sharing your expereinces and reminding those of us who somehow feel "safe" or "safer" - it can happen to anyone. It is all about chance and odds. We can do things to reduce the risk BUT (unless celibate/virgin) there will always be a degree of risk that comes along with sharing our sexual identify with another.
Thank you. Another reminder why we simply must not take things for granted. Not only for HIV status but the appreciation for life as well. I hope whatever changes may come will be for the better, for you and your relationship.
And this certainly is a good lesson for us young folks. So thank you, and all the best.
Thank you for sharing your story. I want to wish you the very best. I don't personally know anyone HIV+, but I am pretty sure that if you take your meds, eat well/exercise and keep a positive outlook on life, you will be healthy and happy for as long as you want. Just think of it as a new start on life. Much Love
i cant imagine how you feel. and i am soo sorry that this has happened..day after day i read in these forums how one individual in a coupled relationship end up catching this disease. This only enforces my beliefs that your own health should be first priority even if your in love and in a relationship. Always use a condom even if its with the love of your life. Too many men have fallen because of love and trust that they have in their partners/lover. I hope others reading about your thoughts and what your going through will see that we should always have safe sex in this day and age. No matter the consequences or if your in love.
I just want you to know that whatever you want to talk about, I am here too. Sometimes in the gay world we do SO MUCH TALKING ABOUT OURSELVES that we don't know how to listen to anyone else. So I think that this is a good lesson on how to just not say anything and realize that there are other people in the community who don't really need our 'help' but know that we are there if they need us. That's what we did before we were 'accepted' by mainstream society: we had each others' backs. We need to do this again.
I see a lot of great things happening in your life. This is not 1989. This is 2009. It is still the same virus, but thank GOD it is not treated the way it was two decades ago.
From a gay guy (who came out at 14 and knows what it's like to be judged by damn near everyone),
You know when I was active in the gay community, many of my friends got infected, and at that time, you had under ten years. So I lost many of my friends; many.
But with the advancement of medications, and the world is not so cruel anymore, because heterosexual also die of AIDS, you still have many years of qulity time ahead of you. Please enjoy.
GuiltyGear said I wrote a LONNNGG message brow beating you, but I erased it. As these are behaviors that get one black listed in social forums, I decided against it....even if I am already black listed.
You know Big Fella. we are both members of that club, and on that list. Our joy,and punishment for being real, and not pretending to be some-one we are not.
I think the root of that is we both accept ourselves, and our core is strong. Proud to be on that list with such a fine man.
Redbull - I commend you for having the courage to post such a powerful story. Your strength and integrity really shine through in your post - and it's clear from your story that you have a lot of people in your life who love you, and whom you love as well.
My story is similar to some of the other folks who have posted here - the only thing I can say from my own experience is that not every day will be easy - but the journey seemingly gets much easier as you move forward.
At the risk of sounding preachy - I would like to encourage you to please be patient with yourself and try not to get too hung up on the "what-ifs" and how this happened - it's a natural tendency, but it's a waste of time and energy. Today is all you have, and a bigger and better tomorrow is what you're looking towards. Yesterday is gone - & there's no sense looking back.
Wowerz bro...my thoughts, prayers and love go all da way out 2 u.. I love wut u said about taking ownership, not dying, and taking da time to things...
Remain strong, and remember this: ANYTHING U CAN'T HANDLE< GIVE IT TO GOD, and HE WILL
Thank you for your story. It really makes me think. I was married for 13 years and have two kids. I can't imagine what you are going thru. I can't understand how anyone could think less of you. You are a brave man who is taking life as it comes. Instead of giving up, you keep fighting. Don't let anyone get you down. You have people here praying for you. People who will support you and help you hold your head high.
A big cyber hug to you. It sounds as if you've taken many important emotional steps.
I lost my uncle to AIDS. We buried him 17 years ago today, on a dreary rainy day. I often lament that he did not get to see the advances in medicine and societal attitudes we have achieved. I am pleased that you are finding the support you need and the love in life you want.
eb925guy saidIt is totally awesome for you to be willing to share your story. Although for you it's probably on way of dealing with the news, it's also typically you, a guy who thinks of others and show care and compassion by sharing. We all benefit from your story as a reminder to hardships we all could face and encouragement of how we can control how we deal with them. Thanks!
I agree with eb925guy. Thank you for sharing. Wishing you the best. Stay Strong.
Thank you for sharing your very moving story. It was brave and generous of you to do that.
If I can offer you any advice, it would to be kind to yourself. Go easy on blaming yourself and on recriminations. You are where you are. And the most important thing to do now is to make the next step you take the best it can be. As C S Lewis wrote, "the present is the only moment that touches eternity".
Devote your obvious wisdom and spirit to staying strong, staying connected to the people that matter to you, and to doing everything you can to manage the disease.
From reading the other posts in this thread, it's obvious that you have the support and best wishes of a lot of great guys. Best of luck.
It gets better. Trust me. I was married with fairly young children back in the mid-90s and wanted to get more life insurance. My job required travel more than 40 weeks out of the year, so I figured if I couldn't be there with my kids as much as I or they wanted, I could at least improve their situation if one of those proverbial buses careened into my rental car. I had always practiced safer sex except one time about a year earlier, and I was tested about five weeks before that incident after nearly eight months of no sex at all other than with Uncle Hans and his five sons.
It was New Years Eve and I was stuck over the weekend working in Detroit of all places. He and I met at a New Years Eve party where we both had more to drink than we should have. I always was a sucker for guys that would look natural in hunting camouflage. About eight weeks after that, I came down with what a doctor said was scarlet fever except antibiotics didn't seem to work very quickly. Being sick in a hotel is not a lot of fun. Anyway, back to twelve months later.
The insurance company required blood work. About ten days later, I got a letter denying my coverage and only telling me the results would be sent to my doctor. My first thought was the anesthesia from an outpatient procedure the day before the blood draw messed up the results. My doctor who is also a gay man, came in. From the moment I saw his face, I knew. After we reviewed my history, it was pretty easy to identify what happened. Rather than scarlet fever, I was experiencing conversion sickness. It was the next to last time I had tears in my eyes because I thought I would not see my children grow up. The last time was when my father died a few years later still unreconciled with his gay son. Two days later, I went ahead with plans to take my children to Seattle for spring break where we went whale watching and hiking in the Olympic National Park. It helped me get my head around life and created some great memories with my daughter and son.
The new medications were in the pipeline but still several months away so my doctor and I reviewed the likely scenarios with opportunistic infections, etc. The scariest ones for me were going blind and developing dementia, not to mention becoming disabled.
It took time and experimentation to get the right cocktail initially when the drugs became available, but it got worked out. My doctor's misfortune of having a great deal of experience treating men with AIDS has been my good fortune. Now, fourteen years later, its second nature. Most days, I only remember when I take my pills. I did see a therapist for a while to help me figure out how to cope, but now, I take my pills in the morning and at night. It imposes no real limitation on my life. When I was still playing rugby, I made sure to tell my teammates that no one could treat a blood injury on me without gloves.
I do feel compelled to be very conscientious about sex because I have a great fear of infecting someone else. Oh, and don't be shocked when some young, pretty boy gets wierd and tries to get you to infect him. I was shocked the first time and just walked away, After about the fifth time, I started taking them on a verbal stroll through the medical reality and costs of being positive and suggested they should seek professional counseling.
Now, my son and daughter are grown. They know I am gay, but I've never told them about being HIV positive. Their mother and I have discussed it, but she said it is my decision not hers.
Your boyfriend might or might not be the one who infected you. If he is negative you will know for sure, but even if he is positive, it means nothing. In some people, the virus can affect a person very slowly. In your case, it is likely you have been positive for quite a few years. Your counts are well past the threshhold used to separate being merely HIV+ from AIDS; however with treatment, your good counts will rise and the bad one (viral load). My original CD4 count was just above 200, which is the threshhold. For the last twelve years it has fluctuated between 400 and 800, which is normal. I have no more colds and no worse than anyone else. As a precaution, I was vaccinated for HepA and HepB, a common type of pneumonia, and get an annual flu shot. The meds messed with my cholesterol, but another pill and some easy dietary changes have brought that under control.
As numb as you might feel right now, it will get better. Lashing out in anger at anybody won't make you better. If you find out your partner has been cheating on you and wasn't playing safe confront it, but try not to let anger take control. If you love each other, you can actually work through a lot of things together. I know about that one too.
Here is some more unsolicited advice. Find a peer support group where you can talk about your feelings and hear other people talk about theirs You will find out your feelings are not freakish. It reassured me to talk to someone who was not really emotionally invested in telling me what they thought I wanted to hear.
Make sure you are seeing a doctor with solid experience dealing with HIV+ patients. Use this doctor as your gatekeeper, but don't hesitate to see specialists as needed. Make sure you remain covered under your employer's medical plan. The meds are expensive. My current cocktail would cost me nearly $3000 per month without insurance. Be sure to keep all your prescriptions at one pharmacy. It is one more set of eyes to help you avoid conflicting meds.
This being a no longer fatal disease, you can probably guess what the problem is...[/quote]
I wish that was true. Each year there are still many deaths in the U.S. due to failure of the drugs in a particular patient, development of resistance to certain drugs, or lack of healthcare. It is an expensive treatment ranging a few thousand to tens of thousands of dollars per month. With a bad economy, layoffs, and political mythology about universal healthcare, millions of people cannot pay for the treatments. In many state prison systems, healthcare is so poor that inmates cannot get the right medications because some politician assumes that one drug works as well as any other for all patients. Some drugs cannot be taken in combination with other drugs
Thank you for sharing your story. It clearly took a lot of courage & emotion to write it, and I hope by doing it, you got some peace from it.
With some of the negative comments I see on some posts, it is good to see that most people are (and should be) supportive to you. I've had a few friends over the years tell me that they became positive, and it's never easy. I'm glad there are medical & social advances for people living with hiv. I also hope that those that read your story felt inspired to be safer, and reminded of the importance of getting tested & practicing safer sex. I know I was. I wish you the best of luck.
This is why it's really important to get yourself tested at least once a year. And if you are sexually active then go to your local health clinic every six months just to be sure.
There is so much they can do if they catch the virus early when you body's immune system is still strong.
You can look healthy and well but if you come down with one of the HIV opportunistic diseases such as meninigitus or pneumonia you can die very quickly.
Hey Bud - here's what i see when i read your post - yeah, u r hiv+, but you also got a huge positive attitude and approach to life to go with it. Medical science and taking care of yourself will see you through this - but it is your own positive attitude and approach that are going make the bigger difference
scrumrob saidOh, and don't be shocked when some young, pretty boy gets wierd and tries to get you to infect him. I was shocked the first time and just walked away, After about the fifth time, I started taking them on a verbal stroll through the medical reality and costs of being positive and suggested they should seek professional counseling.
How I hate the bug chasers. Here in Austin there is an HIV social group that meets every now and then. It is for people that are HIV and their family and friends. Some think it is just a sex party but they could not be more mistaken. A few times I have been hit on at one of those parties and it is from guys that I find out later that they are HIV negative and say they did not know anyone there was HIV positive. Really hard to believe on how the parties are promoted.
scrumrob saidOh, and don't be shocked when some young, pretty boy gets wierd and tries to get you to infect him. I was shocked the first time and just walked away, After about the fifth time, I started taking them on a verbal stroll through the medical reality and costs of being positive and suggested they should seek professional counseling.
How I hate the bug chasers. Here in Austin there is an HIV social group that meets every now and then. It is for people that are HIV and their family and friends. Some think it is just a sex party but they could not be more mistaken. A few times I have been hit on at one of those parties and it is from guys that I find out later that they are HIV negative and say they did not know anyone there was HIV positive. Really hard to believe on how the parties are promoted.
To the original poster I wish you well. No one can judge you unless they walked in your shoes.
These BUG parties are killing donations $$$$$ for HIV and AIDS! Also they are a great selling point for Prop 8. Be safe men- be smart-think about future generations. Young men are easily influenced and are under the misconception that it's no big deal. I friends that are HIV poz and they would disagree!! Think about it.
TODAY I had the same experience. The doc said I was HIV POZ, and I don't even see the ID doc til next week. My world has been rocked. My BF is poz, but when we went to see his doc together, the doc told me that he's been undetectable for 25 years, no viral load. That unprotected sex, while not recommended, wasn't as risky. So we did it. But he didn't cum up my ass.
Now, here I am. I'm not blaming him -- no sense in that. I'm blaming myself. I'm embarrassed and ashamed. BUT, if I look on the bright side, my doc said that HIV is now no more than a daily regimen, much like diabetes or depression. Just take the meds. For now, Doc said I'm undetectable with no viral load.
Another bright side is that I appreciate life even more. Also, I can now also accept his semen, as he has accepted mine. The ultimate act of sharing one man''s like with another.
Unless you have a test to determine the type of HIV strain you and your partner have then you are running the risk of "reinfecting" yourself with a Super strain that meds can not treat.
Please educate yourself in all areas of HIV. You can choose to live your life and have a long and healthy one but please get the support and education you need. There are many great organizations that can help with support groups. If you need help finding any of these organizations in your area I am more than willing to help.
MadeNUSA saidWhy do you feel anyone would criticize or judge? I'm sure everyone will say we wish you the best.
Not really meaning guys on this site specifically...I am referring to people in general. There are a number of men on this site that are pretty critical and judgemental but over all I think everyone would be supportive.
HIV still has such a stigma attached to it, like we are all whores, gang bangers, drug users or whatever. I have been married, then in mongamous relationships and have raised 2 of my kids and am raising my youngest child now.
I want people to know it can happen to you...to anyone if you dont protect yourself, thats all.
Thanks you for saying this. This is the same feeling I have gotten over several forums and people who respond. I have said it in many of my replies to these threads. There in some ( not all) an insinuation that we who are HIV+ were all dirty little whores. When in fact, many of us were in long term relationships.
scrumrob saidOh, and don't be shocked when some young, pretty boy gets wierd and tries to get you to infect him. I was shocked the first time and just walked away, After about the fifth time, I started taking them on a verbal stroll through the medical reality and costs of being positive and suggested they should seek professional counseling.
How I hate the bug chasers. Here in Austin there is an HIV social group that meets every now and then. It is for people that are HIV and their family and friends. Some think it is just a sex party but they could not be more mistaken. A few times I have been hit on at one of those parties and it is from guys that I find out later that they are HIV negative and say they did not know anyone there was HIV positive. Really hard to believe on how the parties are promoted.
To the original poster I wish you well. No one can judge you unless they walked in your shoes.
These BUG parties are killing donations $$$$$ for HIV and AIDS! Also they are a great selling point for Prop 8. Be safe men- be smart-think about future generations. Young men are easily influenced and are under the misconception that it's no big deal. I friends that are HIV poz and they would disagree!! Think about it.
I read this as you think the social group that I attend is a sex party. It is not. It is a complete social gathering and sexual behavior is very frowned upon. And yes you are correct in that the more people that are infected are killing donations for those that need it more.
I'm sorry you guys are going through this, but I believe in condoms always. Relationship or not. Sex is great but when guys play we all pay- It's another reason why insurance rates are crazy. Also now there is more money to be made in treatment and not a cure. When I hear guys say things like "it's no big deal"- it is!!!! The virus will mutate and these current cocktails will lose their effective rate over time and then......
MadeNUSA saidWhy do you feel anyone would criticize or judge? I'm sure everyone will say we wish you the best.
Not really meaning guys on this site specifically...I am referring to people in general. There are a number of men on this site that are pretty critical and judgemental but over all I think everyone would be supportive.
HIV still has such a stigma attached to it, like we are all whores, gang bangers, drug users or whatever. I have been married, then in mongamous relationships and have raised 2 of my kids and am raising my youngest child now.
I want people to know it can happen to you...to anyone if you dont protect yourself, thats all.
Thanks you for saying this. This is the same feeling I have gotten over several forums and people who respond. I have said it in many of my replies to these threads. There in some ( not all) an insinuation that we who are HIV+ were all dirty little whores. When in fact, many of us were in long term relationships.
This insinuation (assumption) is not only at its core insulting to HIV+ people, it's also dangerous for people who are HIV-. It's a form of denial that leads people in committed relationships to make unwise decisions that can have profound consequences.
I met a couple recently who have been together a couple of years. They never got tested before having unprotected sex. Well, now one of the partners has tested positive, so the waiting game begins for the other partner to find out if he has been infected as well.
As others have said, always play safe. And for God's sake know your status.
MikemikeMike saidWhen I hear guys say things like "it's no big deal"- it is!!!! The virus will mutate and these current cocktails will lose their effective rate over time and then......
This is the fundamental truth that so many men just don't get. Until there is a cure, it is always a big deal precisely because over time the virus becomes resistant. It isn't just a matter of switching to a new drug. The resistance usually translates to resistance to entire classes of drugs. If resistance develops to one protease inhibitor, it is likely to be resistant to all or most in that class and there aren't that many different classes of drugs. Once resistance develops to most or all classes, you are faced with a supervirus that cannot be held at bay with current meds. You are essentially at the same place men in the early 80s faced.
Other STDs do the same. Superresistant forms of syphillis and gonorrhea have also developed so that it is no longer a simple matter of getting a gigantic dose of penicillin to kill them.
You are really brave for sharing this. Your life will change but I know people that are healthier now because they have to be and it seems that with the help of alternative medicine and the meds you should stay healthy and live the same life you had. This isn't to trivialize it by any means, this is a horrible situation to face So much of it I see is a mental game and you can't blame yourself any longer.
A regular yoga practice also has been known to boost t-cells in people that come to my studio, plus it helps with the stress.
Just so you know there are some people that even when tested dont show up for a long time. I knew one couple that was tested over a period of nine months, totally committed, well the one parnter had a rare immune system and the virus showed up after the nine months. 9 years later, the partner with the rare immune system has just tested negative and has been off the meds for 2 years and doing great, the other partner is still on the meds but doing great.
I would get involved in a yoga class. It will really help and you never know what will happen in the future.
Thank you for sharing this story as much as I am sitting here, with a tear in my eye, moved by the tremendous conviction of your love and compassion that is stronger than knowing that you would be living with HIV from the moment the results were shared with you.
What happens next now, I often wonder to myself...
No judgement at all here. I admire your courage and willingness to share your story. I have an appointment with my doc in a few weeks, and I'm going to ask for the hiv test. You writing about your experience has reminded me that I need to do that. I wish you all the best.
Most everyone makes mistakes at times. Scary thing about life is that one moment of bad judgement can have such long lasting consequences.No judgement here just hope everything goes well for you.
I have always loved this song but the words hit me like a ton of bricks the other day...describes exactly how I feel since I found out I am poz...enjoy...
You are strong and brave for telling your story. Especially when the news is so recent.
I know a lot of guys here in DC who are poz. In fact, most of my good friends are... and just happen to be. Not like I went around looking to make other poz friends (though I am negative anyway). What's sad is the stigma that they feel from it... one of my friend doesn't even know that I know... I was in his apartment and accidentally saw his medicines when he was showing me something from a box... in which he also keeps his meds.
I never said anything, but I felt so sad for him that he felt he could not tell me. He has told me that he is an extremely private person- but we are very close friends and I figured this is something he'd want to tell someone. I just feel very sad that he must carry such shame about it that he has told almost no one about it.
Their struggles are all different, but there is much we can all learn from their stories.
redbull saidThere I finally said it. On 5/20/09 I went to the Dr. to get my cholesterol checked because of heart disease in my family and my mother would not leave me alone about it. I had not been HIV tested in about 7 years, I know you dont have to say it. I figured what the hell, while I am here and your drawing blood anyway....so I got tested.
I really had no thoughts or fears about it. I was in a monogamous relationship for 5 years and married before that so I knew I was ok. No worries.
2 days later I get the call to come in....my heart was racing....I figured it must be the cholesterol or something....she lays out the paper work in front of me and pretty as you please says "your test came back positive" I was in complete and utter shock....no emotion whatsoever. They did a 2nd test to be "positive" or "sure" and again the next day over the phone this time she says "your positive".
Since then my life and world have been torn upside down. I have told some of my best friends and of course my bf and he has not been tested yet. He wasnt tested for about 7 or 8 years before we met either.
Was he all along? Did he get it while we were together from someone? These are questions that race through my mind....but it doesnt matter now...I have it and have to take care of myself. It does no good to wonder and worry now.
I finally went to IDC and had my first appt. My blood work finally came back and the hits just keep comin.....my #'s are terrible. My cd4 is 94 and my VL is 380,000. Another big wammy that I just cant believe. I feel absolutely fine. I workout, bike ride, run, hike play with my kids and etc...wtf???!!
So I have to go in on the 16th and be put on meds. Do I blame my bf? I want to but I cant....I blame myself for being so stupid to think this would never happen to me. I blame myself for being naive enough not to use protection to protect myself. I blame myself for allowing this to come into my life and cause so much strife. I blame me.
One thing about it is, it has made me value my life so much more. Everyday I am noticing things I havent before. I am finding time to do things I wouldnt have before. I want to learn new things that I am completely terrified of like swimming.
Life is to short for any of us...but now I have to fight to keep my life healthy, strong and productive. I have decided to live with HIV, not die with it.
Why am I writing this you may ask? Honestly for my own peace of mind. This is the first time I have admitted in a public type setting of my status. It is so difficult, demeaning and excrutiating because I know I am looked down on by others, especially other hiv- gay men....and that hurts.
I am also stating all of this to let others know....trust no one but yourself...no matter what your relationship status is, single, open, monogamous, play together....whatever....trust no one, only yourself...no one is going to protect you but you.
Since having been diagnosed I cant tell you how many guys I have read about in forums or chatted with that got their hiv from their partner. Some are still together. I am still with my partner and when he is tested, no matter what his results I will stand by him as he has by me...because I do love him.
Would our life be easier without this disease? Hell yes. Would I want to leave him and try to be with someone else? Hell no. We have our own set of problems, but I love him and believe he loves me. It is so hard in our world and time to find real love and I believe he does love me, wether he may have made a mistake or not.
thanks for listening to me and bring on the criticisms and judgements...I am ready...I am owning my disease, I know its my fault and I will live my life to fullest with love, pride and dignity....will you?
Now that you're sick, you can view yourself as a victim, or "pay it forward" by telling others what lead to your illness. Use your own illness as an example to others that you should NEVER take anything for granted and that if you play with fire long enough, you're going to get burnt. You can turn it into a good thing, if you save a single life, or prevent a single infection, by telling others to STOP doing what they're doing; it happened to me; so on. You can use yourself an example for others to learn from, and if doing so saves one life, you've done a VERY GOOD THING. Just because you're now sick doesn't mean you can't take some positives from it, and engage in some active leadership, and let others learn from your example.
Wow! what you wrote is very touching. I don't see any reasons why someone should judge another person because he is +, if someone does that he is simply a moron.
It's sad to know that this 21st century some people think they can't catch it, it's really sad.It's something no matter what color you are , your social status, your sexual orientation , where you live, and how good looking you are etc etc you can get it, because we are all human, and this is whom this disease attact, not trees , not chairs, not tables, and other things.
I wish you all the best, and that you accomplish all good things you dream to accomplish. hugs and kisses.
So I have to go in on the 16th and be put on meds. Do I blame my bf? I want to but I cant....I blame myself for being so stupid to think this would never happen to me. I blame myself for being naive enough not to use protection to protect myself. I blame myself for allowing this to come into my life and cause so much strife. I blame me.
This has been the easiest disease to live with quite frankly even when I wished it would just kill me or go away. The only thing that bugs me is the cost of medication because I don't like relying upon anyone. Nobody judges you for HIV, they just don't want it! Quite frankly again, neither do I! If I could back up and do it all over again I would still have my business and probably my friends as well... My nervous breakdown cost me a lot and have never been the same since! Never even cared to be because what is gone is gone and what is done is done. Will it ever change me for the better... HELL NO! If there were a God with a better plan I can guarantee his idea of this virus will not make goes his route. Likewise, until he serves up a little of the fun everyone else had while I was falling apart I will probably continue to be defiant about this life and what I feel he owes me! It amazes me I even drempt about a damn cure until I finally became dependent upon his chaotic little system most people with integrity don't want to have to bow down to... Worship that God? HELL NO AGAIN! I don't blame other's either... And I won't be satisfied until I have experienced what I wanted that other's have as well... Even if I have to come back in a billion years again for it. I'm a stubborn guy when I don't get my way!
I've never heard that one before, blaming God for contracting HIV? Wow, God must suck for making you f*** that positive guy. What a jerk!
(Sarcasm)
Instead of laying the blame on God, you need to lay the blame where it belongs. On yourself. You were one who made the choices. You were the one who chose your partner. You were the one who bumped uglies with the guy. Youare the one responsible for the results of your actions. Not God, you.
Instead of whining about how everyone but you is responsible for what happened to you, grow the hell up and take responsibility for the results of your actions, like Redbull courageously has.
keep us updated with how you are doing
