losing trust

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 03, 2009 1:05 PM GMT
    I'm just wondering are there older people totally happy with being single most of their life?

    I feel in the 3 years since ive been out ive only had 2 realtionships (one of which i dont even consider and the other one being barely one since he was away a lot) basically they both were bad experiances and i feel like im loosing hope in finding someone that will actully be there for me no matter what. i mean for too long i used to the heavy lifting in the relationship and most guys ive dated turn out to be flakes or loose intrest after a while.

    another thing about relationships is they fucked me over so bad and working in the entertainment industry i feel like i can't trust anyone. i find myself seeing every relationship and marriage as fake or just a phase.

    i cant be like most guys and sleep randomly without guilt, although im really really fun loving, crazy and easy going for the most part i just cant get myself to sleep around randomly, its the way im wired. I need to be dating and liking the person in order for me to sleep with them, even the hottest guy doesnt change things and it take time for me to like someone.

    I can get hot guys by truckloads but never a decent relationship i'm starting to think maybe im not meant for relationships even though personality wise i'm pretty much boyfriend material. do i seem to be lacking something?

    i'm wondering if living in a paradox or any insightful advice would help.
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    Jul 03, 2009 1:09 PM GMT
    LOL, I felt just the way you describe about eleventeen million times before I met Bill.

    Have faith in yourself and just go about exploring people in general; I'm talking personalities, not sex (though you may find that now and then....!)



    -Doug of meninlove

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    Jul 03, 2009 1:18 PM GMT
    "totally happy"?
    Not in anything, single or otherwise.

    There are more people in unhappy relationships because they are terrified to be alone.
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    Jul 03, 2009 1:34 PM GMT
    We all feel that way at different points in our lives. I checked your profile and noticed you are 23yo. Not that age matters but many gay men do not come into their own until their late 20's-30's. Maybe, instead of focusing on "the one" you could focus on yourself and being truly happy with you. That will instill confidence which people find attractive. Have a good time and enjoy your early 20's and eventually the "right" one will come along. In the mean time enjoy the journey and all you are learning from the different guys you are meeting.
    Best
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    Jul 03, 2009 1:42 PM GMT
    3 years 2 relationships 1 of which you don't really consider a relationship..

    and your losing hope....

    yeah, come back to me when you've had 10 years hundreds of dates 20 relationships and only a tiny amount of ones you don't really consider a relationship..

    then I might not think your being......

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    Jul 03, 2009 1:53 PM GMT
    23 is sometimes a strange age when you think about it. This is a temporary malaise - - - - and it will pass. You'll never know this for sure until you hit 50 and you're having the time of your life (like me!). You'll look back on temporary dry spells with a smile - - - and you'll wish you enjoyed them for what they are - - - just a nice break! Relax and have a good ride - - - there are lots more chapters for you to go through - - - you'll be fine!
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    Jul 03, 2009 1:54 PM GMT
    As Doug mentioned

    You're probably going to get your heartbroken 100 hundred more times before you meet the one.

    I can relate to you because I'm also prefer dating than hooking up...but sometimes men are greedy when it comes to fleshy desires. They may like you and want to date, but they also want a piece of 10 other hot guys.

    If the person gives me are red flag and appears to be a player, I cut them off and walk away... even if I find them very attractive and charismatic. Because in the end it's only going to be a waste of time an energy trying to develop something more with that particular person.


    Sometimes we just have to be cautions and date without any expectations. Don't get attached until you meet someone that proves to be trust worthy in a relationship.

    Also don't make relationships your priority right now. You've mentioned you have only been out for 3 years so it may take a lot of dating (some call it trial and error LOL) before you bump into someone that may be a potential Boy friend.

    Shield your heart but don't become calloused and lose hope. Because like yourself there are guys out there who are also looking for a meaningful relationship and not just random hook ups.

    Good Luck

    Cheers

  • hartfan

    Posts: 1037

    Jul 03, 2009 1:56 PM GMT
    Jockbod48 said23 is sometimes a strange age when you think about it. This is a temporary malaise - - - - and it will pass. You'll never know this for sure until you hit 50 and you're having the time of your life (like me!).


    You mean like this??

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    Jul 03, 2009 2:58 PM GMT
    CanadianSun> I can get hot guys by truckloads but never a decent relationship

    My question would be: where are you finding these "hot guys by [the] truckload"?
    If it's at the bars, maybe you're fishing in the wrong pond, where the lowest common denominator (sex) rules (which isn't to say that there aren't exceptions, but....)
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    Jul 03, 2009 9:25 PM GMT
    _chuck_ said"totally happy"?
    Not in anything, single or otherwise.

    There are more people in unhappy relationships because they are terrified to be alone.

    i liked your last sentence def food for thought
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    Jul 03, 2009 9:27 PM GMT
    stringman saidWe all feel that way at different points in our lives. I checked your profile and noticed you are 23yo. Not that age matters but many gay men do not come into their own until their late 20's-30's. Maybe, instead of focusing on "the one" you could focus on yourself and being truly happy with you. That will instill confidence which people find attractive. Have a good time and enjoy your early 20's and eventually the "right" one will come along. In the mean time enjoy the journey and all you are learning from the different guys you are meeting.
    Best


    i do focus on myself in fact ive focused quite a bit in the past few months and i feel i want to branch out and have balance.

    thank for the advice tho
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    Jul 03, 2009 9:29 PM GMT
    the most solid practical advice ever!

    thanks!

    WolfRain saidAs Doug mentioned

    You're probably going to get your heartbroken 100 hundred more times before you meet the one.

    I can relate to you because I'm also prefer dating than hooking up...but sometimes men are greedy when it comes to fleshy desires. They may like you and want to date, but they also want a piece of 10 other hot guys.

    If the person gives me are red flag and appears to be a player, I cut them off and walk away... even if I find them very attractive and charismatic. Because in the end it's only going to be a waste of time an energy trying to develop something more with that particular person.


    Sometimes we just have to be cautions and date without any expectations. Don't get attached until you meet someone that proves to be trust worthy in a relationship.

    Also don't make relationships your priority right now. You've mentioned you have only been out for 3 years so it may take a lot of dating (some call it trial and error LOL) before you bump into someone that may be a potential Boy friend.

    Shield your heart but don't become calloused and lose hope. Because like yourself there are guys out there who are also looking for a meaningful relationship and not just random hook ups.

    Good Luck

    Cheers

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    Jul 03, 2009 9:30 PM GMT
    Caesarea4 saidCanadianSun> I can get hot guys by truckloads but never a decent relationship

    My question would be: where are you finding these "hot guys by [the] truckload"?
    If it's at the bars, maybe you're fishing in the wrong pond, where the lowest common denominator (sex) rules (which isn't to say that there aren't exceptions, but....)



    most guys i met come from the most random places no particular place really
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    Jul 03, 2009 9:30 PM GMT
    jprichva saidI think also that Dubai--from what I've heard--is a very transient society, and the same guys who might be interested in something permanent on their home soil don't think in that way when they're in the UAE, knowing they probably won't stay (where the hell is Zimmy?)


    I dont really live in dubai, im just visiting and working here temporarily. i understand the other part about not being permanent but most of my experiance comes from before i left..

    but i guess the alienation in dubai has left me at odds but that doesnt stop people for liking each and making an effort, i've always done and have everything ive ever wanted in life so i dont see why there wont be other people like me
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    Jul 03, 2009 10:44 PM GMT
    Wow lots of good advice here. I struggle with the same thing: trying not to lose hope or become too cynical regarding relationships/marriage.

    Sometimes, I look around and wonder if any marriage is happy, let alone sustainable.

    But negative thinking is no doubt self-defeating and unnecessary. Hell, if so much of life is out of our control, then we might as well control what we can, which is mainly ourselves and our thoughts/attitudes. So then why not be positive and rationally optimistic?

    I just put effort into keeping a very sober perspective on coupling, not over-emphasizing it is a necessary - let alone panacean - addition to my life (I have some friends who think marriage will solve all their problems!).

    I think being happy with yourself and striving for self-improvement creates a sense of contentment when single and forms a healthy contribution to any future relationship, too.

    Further, if I do meet someone who I might consider dating, I'm certain to take things relatively slowly and really get to know them before jumping in emotionally. In the past, I was reckless in this area and got very shocked and hurt when I had emotionally invested in people who were not who they appeared to be. To me, there is nothing wrong - and everything right - with getting to know someone well before putting yourself in a position to get hurt yet - again.

    Wonderfully, we are all very lucky to live in a time where lots of advice and support on coupling are at our fingertips! Everything from supportive friends, RJ forums, books, even therapists are waiting with information should anyone need guidance when coupling. Not bad! A far cry from eras like the 50s...
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    Jul 03, 2009 10:53 PM GMT
    Its a truly a blessing to walk this planet, called earth, singleicon_exclaim.gif I do mean it. Truly a blessingicon_wink.gif
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    Jul 04, 2009 1:31 AM GMT


    LOL CanadianSun, be a unicorn; how else will you find another?


    -unicorns
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    Jul 04, 2009 1:42 AM GMT
    Ahh glad to see Im not alone in thinking about stuff like this. Ive been single for 8 years and mostly Im happy. This week I asked two seperate guys out for a drink and both times got the "Im not looking for anything..." response. I had my 'moment' the other night, hating men, hating life, hating being single. I vented to a friend and then I felt better.

    But yeah, you're 23. Come back to me when you're 30 and we'll have something more in common icon_razz.gif

    Seriously though, sounds like you need to just give men the flick for a little while and just concentrate on life without them for a little while. Being a tad jaded won't make you appealing to others.
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    Jul 04, 2009 6:01 AM GMT
    Yea I can relate to Syd's post. I've been single for a long time, and haven't had many dates in the past couple of years. I think at this point, I'd rather stay single for the rest of my life than put up with a bunch of crap and melodrama just for the sake of being with someone. I have my lonely moments too, but for the most part no one is going to come along to help me adopt a philosophy on my being that I can't adopt myself. I think too many guys look to others for a solution on what's missing in themselves. For the good, stable gay men, it's harder I think. If you're meeting guys off the internet and in bars, then forget it. So many of those fellas lie, and it's easy to give up hope when you've met one player too many.

    You're young, you're attractive, and you seem like a good guy. You're not going to be single forever. You're just going to have to get comfortable with being single for now.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jul 04, 2009 11:25 AM GMT
    Problem sounds like expectations aren't jiving with reality

    Trust is something that needs to be built over time
    If you enter into a new relationship thinking ... now I can Trust this guy
    You're going to fall Hard

    What you're experiencing isn't anything new or only found in the gay community
    If finding the right man and someone we can trust was that easy
    We'd ALL be in solid relationships right?
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    Jul 04, 2009 4:50 PM GMT
    GQjock saidProblem sounds like expectations aren't jiving with reality

    Trust is something that needs to be built over time
    If you enter into a new relationship thinking ... now I can Trust this guy
    You're going to fall Hard

    What you're experiencing isn't anything new or only found in the gay community
    If finding the right man and someone we can trust was that easy
    We'd ALL be in solid relationships right?


    true say but if i dont trust then there is no realtionship and i think that's nesccary and i dont think realtionships are for the faint hearted. i mean you need to have some courage. i guess its where i keep falling and getting hurt
  • scrumrob

    Posts: 92

    Jul 05, 2009 6:36 AM GMT
    syd_hockey_79 saidAhh glad to see Im not alone in thinking about stuff like this. Ive been single for 8 years and mostly Im happy. This week I asked two seperate guys out for a drink and both times got the "Im not looking for anything..." response. I had my 'moment' the other night, hating men, hating life, hating being single. I vented to a friend and then I felt better.

    But yeah, you're 23. Come back to me when you're 30 and we'll have something more in common icon_razz.gif

    Seriously though, sounds like you need to just give men the flick for a little while and just concentrate on life without them for a little while. Being a tad jaded won't make you appealing to others.


    We can be such asses at times. I think your lifemate will appear. Physically, you are certainly a handsome man. The maturity of your statements indicates emotional wisdom. Your patience will be rewarded. In them meantime, have a dark chocolate bar occasionally. Unlike sex, dark chocolate is always good.
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    Jul 05, 2009 7:12 AM GMT
    There will be a time that you find someone that you adore and who adores you and let me just say that he will be very lucky as will you. Don't lose hope no matter the dark days, losing hope in the end will only represent missed opportunities, but the red flag thing is key! If you are certain that someone has a quality that you can't live with, you probably best move on, cause that a'int love. But, when you notice that you and he are willing to deal with issues together you might just have found him.

    Don't lose hope icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jul 19, 2009 11:14 PM GMT
    CanadianSun said
    jprichva saidI think also that Dubai--from what I've heard--is a very transient society, and the same guys who might be interested in something permanent on their home soil don't think in that way when they're in the UAE, knowing they probably won't stay (where the hell is Zimmy?)

    I dont really live in dubai, im just visiting and working here temporarily. i understand the other part about not being permanent but most of my experiance comes from before i left..
    but i guess the alienation in dubai has left me at odds but that doesnt stop people for liking each and making an effort, i've always done and have everything ive ever wanted in life so i dont see why there wont be other people like me


    AHA!

    Maybe the problem is with you! Well, not with you per se but with your work predicament! I mean, look at where you are now. Maybe there are guys who can't commit to you 'cos you are the ones who tends to flee from one country to another, given the nature of your profession.

    More importantly, is your "Trash Selected" feature working on your Inbox or is it just mine which is at fault?