what do you guys think

  • baldone

    Posts: 826

    Jul 06, 2009 1:05 AM GMT
    ok i am going to try and keep this brief,,,i have only be out for couple years, recently divorced and met this guy in march....he was abused, lied to cheated on and so on and so on...incredibly cute and handsome, but wounded...i guess i allowed myself to fall instantly "in love" with him and it all feels so real...he repeatdly states he does not know how this person could cheat on him...he would never cheat, he would never be with someone who had a partner....kept telling me that he is not ready and would never again be in relationship...well last week my son was rushed to hospital..severe asthma attack....i almost lost him.,...and he is fine now but was touch and go...anyways i let him know about my son...his comment to me....that guess my son will be a burden on me and i will be taking care of him rest of my life....wants no one with kids,pets and can't be in relationship with me because of my obligations nor would he want to...says he can only be friends.....spent yesterday with him and several other friends and started talking to another friend...apparently he has plans this monday to have dinner at his house with someone he works with...who is in a relationship..and plans on sleeping with him......no i am not jealous..i realize that there could never be anything because he is too concerned with outward appearence and how they "look together" not sure where i am going with this ...guess i just wanted to vent
    '
  • baldone

    Posts: 826

    Jul 06, 2009 1:16 AM GMT
    TheGuyNextDoor saidAnd you want to continue to be friends with this guy because...?
    I see some red flags in your note and it sounds like more trouble than the friendship is worth.
    Not judging really, just asking you to examine it from above and move forward accordingly.
    finally starting to get this through my thick head......
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    Jul 06, 2009 1:19 AM GMT
    I think you can hold out for someone a little bit less selfish that this guy.
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    Jul 06, 2009 1:23 AM GMT
    He sounds like a real asshole with an awful lot of baggage. Cut off all contact, if you think you're going to be teasing yourself into thinking there's a future with him. You do not need friends like this...no one does.
  • baldone

    Posts: 826

    Jul 06, 2009 1:24 AM GMT
    TheGuyNextDoor said
    baldone said
    TheGuyNextDoor said
    finally starting to get this through my thick head......

    That's the first step my friend,,, anyway, there's a lot better fish in the ocean for you. Just go back to fishin'.
    He'll swim your way one day when you quit looking.
    actually met someone yesterday at his cookout...same background as me, both married, both have kids, same church background..both were involved in music..our birthdays are even just 2 days apart.....and think he might be interested..everytime i looked at him...he was looking back right into my eyes......
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    Jul 06, 2009 1:27 AM GMT



    Baldone, it sounds from your post that he doesn't have a grip on empathy, or the ability to truly walk in your shoes. Bill thinks that what he's told you about his ex is only part of the story of his past, edited for your consumption.

    I think that there's imbalance; the empathy and consideration freely given by you is not being reciprocated and on that alone I'd simple withdraw.


    -Doug of meninlove


    PS he's interested in another, which is strike three.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jul 06, 2009 1:28 AM GMT
    I'd find it difficult to even be friends with this person. You deserve far better,
    go for it.... and leave this person behind. He doesn't deserve your attention.

  • baldone

    Posts: 826

    Jul 06, 2009 1:32 AM GMT
    meninlove said


    Baldone, it sounds from your post that he doesn't have a grip on empathy, or the ability to truly walk in your shoes. Bill thinks that what he's told you about his ex is only part of the story of his past, edited for your consumption.

    I think that there's imbalance; the empathy and consideration freely given by you is not being reciprocated and on that alone I'd simple withdraw.


    -Doug of meninlove


    PS he's interested in another, which is strike three.
    yeah and this is the 2nd "abusive" relationship he was in...first guy was 12 years and i was told last night that he moved to another state to get away from this guy
  • baldone

    Posts: 826

    Jul 06, 2009 1:36 AM GMT
    TheGuyNextDoor said
    baldone said
    TheGuyNextDoor said
    baldone said
    TheGuyNextDoor said
    finally starting to get this through my thick head......

    That's the first step my friend,,, anyway, there's a lot better fish in the ocean for you. Just go back to fishin'.
    He'll swim your way one day when you quit looking.
    actually met someone yesterday at his cookout...same background as me, both married, both have kids, same church background..both were involved in music..our birthdays are even just 2 days apart.....and think he might be interested..everytime i looked at him...he was looking back right into my eyes......

    See!!! now that's the kinda fish I am talkin' bout! Someone with similarities and something to talk about. I hope things work out for you guys = )
    it was nice last night to talk to him...only thing the other guy and italked about all the time was how hurt,lied to,cheated on and how wounded he was from this relationship....starts to get really old after a while when i say anything non related and is completely ignored
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    Jul 06, 2009 4:13 AM GMT
    Glad to know your son is doing much better.And I better if you can step outside the situation, for future reference since there may be a new on the horizon, that it was quite possible that you felt you could "fix" him? Of course, you probably know that is a major mistake. Our greatest fans, the straight women have tried that enough times to fill 10,000 libraries. LOL. Damaged goods is just that-damaged goods. And human damaged goods only get better when the human wants them to get better. Clearly, he does not and you certainly have enough going on without adding a fixer upper to the mix.
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    Jul 06, 2009 5:23 AM GMT
    At first I kind of felt bad for the guy, thinking that maybe he was sincerely looking for a connection and someone cheated on him, but after your explanation, I can easily see how someone might cheat on him, if only for a desperate attempt to find someone with more depth.

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    Jul 06, 2009 12:28 PM GMT
    Good looking doesn't necessarily mean good person.

    And as a fellow asthmatic, all the best to your son and hopes he gets better soon. icon_smile.gif
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    Jul 06, 2009 10:30 PM GMT
    Anyone that refers to someones child as "burden" has some pretty ugly insides. People like that make me sick. The epitome of selfishness. If it isnt about making them happy, they want no part of it. Dump the dirtbag.
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    Jul 06, 2009 10:37 PM GMT
    I agree with everyone else here. You don't need or want anyone in your life who would tend to drag you down. Set your sights high - and allow only the best guys into your life! Sounds like you're on your way with this brand new guy...........and if not - that's o.k. too. You'll be fine!
  • Koaa2

    Posts: 1556

    Jul 06, 2009 10:53 PM GMT
    Sounds like you might be a little co-dependent. Suggest you find a good gay
    co-dependency group that can help you deal with this and coming out difficulties. I wouldn't start another relationshop until you get rid of this character from your life and examine why you put up with what you do.
    Good Luck.
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    Jul 07, 2009 12:18 AM GMT

    Hmmmm, two years in and such a rookie move. You didn't "allow" yourself to fall in love with him instantly, you fell in love with him instantly. This is a behavior you will learn to curtail. It's a thing that a novice does until he realizes it hurts him and deters most relationships from blooming. Being the metaphor lover that I am, I'd say that the behavior is like dumping an entire box of fish food into your aquarium. All of the baby fishes will die! Basically, whatever love that might have been germinating there, you leveled and built a house on! Ok, no more metaphors, but I might as well tell you, that is a selfish act, which is why it turns most men off.

    You feel love so come what may, fuck how the object of your affection feels, you're going to manifest that love. I don't know what you did, it wasn't clear, but you had to manifest it and in a disturbing way. It was the crucial blow, but wouldn't usually be. However, you are dealing with a young, wounded, person. Too much food at one time, and you killed what little he in his weakened state was able to give. Further more, he is handsome, which as you know, being good looking in the gay community is a season pass to 'Fun World." When you land that next cutie, keep that in mind. No matter what he told you, which he probably said because he was mirroring your intense manifestations; the minute you make him uncomfortable, he can always opt out and have much variety. Not because he wants to per say....that's just reality; if you've got the keys to "Fun World," you never forget you've got them. Any handsome man who tells you that he could is shining you on.

    With TIME, yes, a man like that could lock them up and bury them in maximum security storage for you, but that takes TIME. From March to now isn't enough time. I'd be hard pressed to believe it is enough time for you to fall in love, unless what you are lovin ain't what you think. IT FEELS SO RIGHT is a term that should be banned from your vocabulary because so many men hang themselves with this term. WHAT feels right? Your world, your comforts? What about the other guy with this term.? For so many men, the other man is that electric blanket on a cold night. It feels so right, absolutely....because it's cold outside and you need it. It feels so right because of it's ability to warm you just like any other electric blanket warms a cold person. Because of what it does for you, you could easily become attached. Of course, it's a blanket. It'll never say : "You've fallen too hard and I haven't. When you clutch onto me whenever you want, it sometimes bothers me." "You smother me, you objectify me." "When you grab me and plug me in, you never inquire if it is a good time....for me.

    It took me shorter than two years to figure out that men don't exist to make my world and comforts more bearable. A man is meant to be a partner, someone separate from me, but who is willing to share himself with me. That's an act that is voluntary and cannot be forced or rushed, even if it would feel so right if it did. If he doesn't want it, I won't get it anyway so long talks at night about intense things connected to that permission I haven't received yet just don't make any sense.

    Of course, you like your objects alive. You described him as wounded!? YUCK, no man wants to be treated like a three legged puppy. If you described him as that, I just know you treated him as that. That goes back to what I said. He's separate from you. If he's wounded, the healing will come from him, not you, at this point anyway. MenInLove could probably tell you that their love energizes each other, but that is a very well established couple. They've given each other the permission needed and reaped the benefits of their union.

    The guy is not a monster. If he were obsessed with looks I doubt he'd be with a man who calls himself "Bald One" for any amount of time beyond a couple nights and I DOUBT YOUR SON IS THE REASON he's calling it quits. A defenseless little boy, couldn't run him away, but an overbearing nurse?

    I've dated the "ON" type and I've been the "ON" type. Live and learn.