Difference between talking and leading on..

  • DrobUA

    Posts: 1331

    Jul 06, 2009 2:21 AM GMT
    Alright I see a bunch of posts about guys being butt hurt when guys don't respond to their messages. However, I have on many occasions been yelled at for leading guys on and it was what I considered polite talking.

    In one instance the guy got very attached and wanted to fly out to see me. When I said I didn't think that was a good idea he was crushed and I felt like shit.

    So what is the difference between talking and showing interest? Would you rather be ignored or lead on? It seems like a lose lose situation.
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    Jul 06, 2009 2:27 AM GMT
    Topics....if the topics turn more intimately personal, you could be guilty of leading another on.
  • DrobUA

    Posts: 1331

    Jul 06, 2009 2:38 AM GMT
    Every time the subjects go in the personal/sexual area I change the subject. I thought that would be a good hint.
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    Jul 06, 2009 2:47 AM GMT
    Sounds to me like you are being honest and upfront - and not trying to lead others on. The fact that you feel like crap about it kinda says it all - you don't have an agenda here.

    I wouldn't worry too much about it.
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    Jul 06, 2009 3:11 AM GMT
    I think that's one of the drawbacks to communicating over the internet. Without seeing the facial expression and body language of the person you're talking to, it's hard to get a feel for where the conversation is going.

    But to answer the question, I think it's rude to ignore someone. I think you need be a bit more keen on picking up hints when a person is romantically interested in you. That way you can address the issue soon, before the guy totally falls for you.
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    Jul 06, 2009 3:18 AM GMT
    frankly, I would want them to be upfront.....I respect people who can be upfront with you, and tell you what they feel. If its not going anywhere just say it. When it comes to ignoring i think its rude, you can find some pretty cool people that you can be friends with on this site, that isnt looking for a hook up.

    Peace easy
  • dannyboy1101

    Posts: 977

    Jul 06, 2009 3:22 AM GMT
    Talk to them. Once the airline ticket convo comes up and ur not down with that, it's time to be blunt and clarify the relationship as only friendship or whatever. Blunt does not equal asshole.

    Hinting is great if the other guy is looking for a hint of rejection, but chances are they're reading hints of attraction from your other actions. Perception is reality in this case.
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    Jul 06, 2009 3:22 AM GMT
    Some folk push too much, try n see if u breakicon_exclaim.gif My advice is scan theit profile real good, if ur 2nd guessing anything, move foward.icon_lol.gif
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    Jul 06, 2009 3:30 AM GMT
    the trick is not being blunt when it comes up

    its being blunt from the get go..

    you lay down the law and thats that..
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    Jul 06, 2009 3:41 AM GMT
    DrobUA saidEvery time the subjects go in the personal/sexual area I change the subject. I thought that would be a good hint.


    It is a good hint, but some people don't understand hints well unless you smack them in the face with it.

    but usually the more upfront you are at the start the less the misunderstandings
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    Jul 06, 2009 3:49 AM GMT
    Don't let somebody's bad reaction change your openness to talk to people. Just because some random guy developes an instant possessiveness doesn't mean it will happen all the time.

    If you close yourself off, you might miss out on some good friendship.
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    Jul 06, 2009 3:55 AM GMT
    You shouldn't feel like crap for someone else's mental instablility. It's not your fault they probably fall in lust with everyone who's nice to them. I feel it's common courtesy to respond to a friendly e-mail, but if someone dumps their heart out or cyber rapes you in the first paragraph. Really how can you respond?
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    Jul 06, 2009 4:00 AM GMT
    i know what you mean and it's happened to me, I have never suggested to have any sort of intimate relationship rather than a friendship but still the guy would take it as the beggining of "something else". No matter how hard I try it seems like a lost cause.

    This is what I personally think: Some guys that are basically new to whole gay dating thing really want to find that someone and get very excited even emotionally when they have the oportunity to interact with a man they really like which is 90% physical based. This is a normal behavior in most individuals. However these guys are not ready to have any relationship whatsoever, they will end up "giving away" more than what the other part is willing to offer. These guys will eventually feel really hurt and this sentiment will be directly proportional to the time-interaction spent with this other person.

    So, when you find yourself in a situation when you have made things clear but still this person doesnt get it; then stop it right there. Do not write to him, do not talk to him, just give him time. Give him enough time so he can continue exploring and gaining more experience, so he can grow up mentally and emotionally. The alternative of contuing talking to him will only affect him even more cause deep inside he doesnt want your friendship, he hopes for something else, and that "hope" is not healthy for him nor you.


    Carlos
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    Jul 06, 2009 5:55 AM GMT
    Learning to handle rejection is a part of growing up icon_rolleyes.gif I don't how these guys are, but if you are clear that you are not looking for anything serious, I don't think anyone should expect more of you.

    Don't worry about it. There is a polite way of saying anything .. and that itself is not really owed to anyone, it is a gift. Just be upfront, that is all you can do.
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    Jul 19, 2013 1:27 PM GMT
    DrobUA saidAlright I see a bunch of posts about guys being butt hurt when guys don't respond to their messages. However, I have on many occasions been yelled at for leading guys on and it was what I considered polite talking.

    In one instance the guy got very attached and wanted to fly out to see me. When I said I didn't think that was a good idea he was crushed and I felt like shit.

    So what is the difference between talking and showing interest? Would you rather be ignored or lead on? It seems like a lose lose situation.


    This is a tricky topic. I've learned that you can be lead on in an actual relationship with someone who's not really interested in you. I think they call this relationship security.
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    Jul 19, 2013 1:39 PM GMT
    THREAD-NECROMANCY


    still


    You have no control over how the other guy reacts to your messages, what he reads into them, what he gets out of them. If you are open and honest from the start, at least your conscience will be clear and your guilt minimized.
  • madsexy

    Posts: 4843

    Jul 19, 2013 1:44 PM GMT
    It's really pretty simple.

    No commitment conversation: "bet you'd be a great fuck."

    Leading on: saying "fuck me" (and not having any intention of following through).
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Jul 19, 2013 1:51 PM GMT
    It's always dicey, whether online or in person, but online interaction has its own set of issues.

    If someone sends me an email here on RJ, I nearly always take time to respond, and sometimes there's regular and enjoyable interaction, but I'm careful not to send any signals that I consider unrealistic. I've interacted with some guys on here whom I might look up if I happen to be in their cities, but would not entertain the notion of flying out to see them (or having them come see me) just based on some cyber communication.

    The line between finding someone interesting to talk to and leading them on is also tricky in person. Sometimes I know immediately that I'm not going to click with someone, and sometimes I give it a couple of dates. But then, when it's clear that there isn't chemistry or compatibility, I tell the other guy up front that while I enjoy him as a person, I don't see it progressing beyond being friends or interacting strictly on a social level. Sometimes they accept it, sometimes they don't, and depending on how much I like them, I'll patiently tell them again. Otherwise, having been fair, I just break off communication.