Trying to fit the square peg in the circular hole...

  • dannyboy1101

    Posts: 977

    Jul 06, 2009 4:00 AM GMT
    So a couple nights ago, I went to a bar I used to work at but where I rarely spend my evenings anymore. I was talking to a fellow rower about my current frustrations in rowing and this random guy confronted me and said, "Did you say ew about me as I passed?" Confused, I told him no and turned back to my friends and I heard him speaking intentionally loud about how "anyone who would say ew about him is just jealous and ugly blah blah blah." Right...

    Then last night an acquaintance of mine was talking to this guy who supposedly liked him but then he would dog him as soon as he walked away.

    Aren't bars supposed to be fun? Why in a time where we need to be unified fighting for rights are we hating each other from within, or so annoyingly insecure or egotistical that we think everyone is talking about us all the time?

    The true intended topic here, however is this: I don't feel I fit in anywhere anymore. All these guys that I used to have so much fun with (or even strangers) I'm realizing are really negative (whether it's new or I just came to realize it, I don't know). The bars I used to meet new gays at I meet zippo. I feel like Groundhog Gay. For those of you who've experienced this, what did you do? How did you meet new people without suffering through the b.s.?
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    Jul 06, 2009 5:17 AM GMT
    As I got older, I branched out and expanded my reach. Limiting meeting other gay people to just bars is kind of futile. You know how a lot people say they don't like gay bars because of all the drama? Well, the bar isn't the problem. It's the people that go to them. And let's face it, no everyone gives a damn about our rights, as important as they are. I remember a time when going out to a bar was indeed about having fun, not about one upmanship. That gets old and tiresome. I would suggest venturing out other places and a great starting place is your local gay community center, if you have one. Try some online sports or activity groups too, like here! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jul 06, 2009 5:25 AM GMT
    Whenever I am in a gay bar or club, I pretty much have no connection to a lot that goes on. People laugh at stupid jokes and chatter about nonsense........attitude and rudeness abound and the topics of discussion don't interest me......not to mention the fact that I am not there to meet someone for sex.

    Yet I still enjoy going at times.

    I like who I am and am not afraid to show it. I enjoy talking to people, and feel confident about ignoring the jerks. There is no need to act like everybody else, and you have every right to exclude yourself from anybody/anything you don't like. And you can do all of this without being rude or at anyone's expense. Neither do you have to stand there and isolate yourself. Just be your usual charming smart self.

    People will start to pick up on the fact that you want/deserve something better than the usual. And believe it or not, there are other guys who see that and respond to you and your energy. The usual negative gay vibe cliches won't work with you.

    Set an example. If you don't like what you see in "the scene", then define the scene YOUR way.
  • dannyboy1101

    Posts: 977

    Jul 06, 2009 6:11 AM GMT
    Thanks for the advice! I did sign up fairly recently for a gay rowing team which has led me to meet a good bunch of new people, but not really any dating prospects (not that that was my reason for signing up for it, but it would have been a nice extra benefit). The thing is the bars seem to favor the hookup guys and the sports team has all the coupled folk. I'm in a dating no-man's land.
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    Jul 06, 2009 12:40 PM GMT
    When I first came out, I used to LOVE going to the bars because I was finally with other gay people. Those days are gone. The attitude, ego and rudeness eventually drowned out the fun. Sad really.
  • dannyboy1101

    Posts: 977

    Jul 06, 2009 4:05 PM GMT
    muscles4muscles saidWhen I first came out, I used to LOVE going to the bars because I was finally with other gay people. Those days are gone. The attitude, ego and rudeness eventually drowned out the fun. Sad really.


    Many gays in the bars seem to take themselves too seriously, putting forth the facade of popularity and success. The fun is zapped in this situation.
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    Jul 06, 2009 4:26 PM GMT
    I went to a local bar this weekend and saw a whole crowd of people I haven't seen since I was a regular there.

    I went to the July 4th event and saw a whole different crowd.

    I went to the beach the next day and met a different crowd still.

    Tomorrow night is the Stonewall Dems meeting and that is a different crowd entirely.

    If you just stick to one scene you are going to go through the people pretty fast. Diversify your leisure. You will meet a bunch of new people and make you a much richer person for it.
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    Jul 06, 2009 5:15 PM GMT
    MunchingZombie saidI went to a local bar this weekend and saw a whole crowd of people I haven't seen since I was a regular there.

    I went to the July 4th event and saw a whole different crowd.

    I went to the beach the next day and met a different crowd still.

    Tomorrow night is the Stonewall Dems meeting and that is a different crowd entirely.



    SCENE QUEEN!!! icon_wink.gif

    To be honest, I haven't got over the bar phase in my life yet; I still really enjoy them, and to be honest if you don't engage with negativity it really isn't an issue. The dude "blah blah blah-ing" was doing only that. No big deal icon_razz.gif
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Jul 06, 2009 5:23 PM GMT
    HAHAHA! That reminds me of a situation that I endured a few years back. I was at a gay club in Seattle and an older daddy and his "son" were cruising around. When they passed me, the son said, "what about this one?" and the daddy looked at me and said "Nnnnnn...No." So they turned off and continued shopping around. I thought that was too funny. icon_lol.gif
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    Jul 06, 2009 7:36 PM GMT
    ^ Damn. That's so trashy. icon_confused.gif But kinda funny too. icon_lol.gif
  • metta

    Posts: 39104

    Jul 06, 2009 8:10 PM GMT
    Not sure. I have no idea what the "New Gays" are like. I don't go to bars. I don't drink. When I went in the past, I only went to talk to friends. Personally, I found that bars are not the best place to talk. They tend to be too loud to be able to carry on a conversation. So I go to Red Robbin for dinner with friends every Friday instead. icon_smile.gif

    One of my friends, also a member on RealJock, told me that he tries to stay away from the trendy gay bars. Trendy tends to encourage people with an attitude. He likes to go to the smaller old fashioned ones because the people tend to be nicer.
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    Jul 06, 2009 8:48 PM GMT
    I know exactly how you feel. I've been in a transitional phase this last year too. I stopped hanging out with my friends last year and got over the club scene, and my friends somehow took offense to the whole thing even though they knew why I couldn't go out (super busy in arch school). I had plenty of time to reflect on my friendship with them and saw how little substance there was other than that. Others tell me to cut the negative people out of my life. Toxic relationships will just slow you down and waste your time.
    KissingProPeople will start to pick up on the fact that you want/deserve something better than the usual. And believe it or not, there are other guys who see that and respond to you and your energy.
    Completely agree

    I have a few new best friends from school now and hope to venture out and do some other activities that will broaden my scene.
    All the best with finding new groups. Let us know of any success/tips icon_cool.gif
  • bchbum

    Posts: 161

    Jul 06, 2009 9:23 PM GMT
    I'm in the same rut as you, let me know how it works out for you.
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    Jul 07, 2009 10:37 AM GMT


    It's always hard to put yourself OUT THERE!, Finding quality is not that easy as we all differ in our tolerance of what we will accept when meeting and making new friends. Your best bet is to start by trying to find people who might have similar interest in activities such as rowing, running, music, politics,reading, traveling, What ever your passion. Remember you can't take the bar scene for more than it's value. Don't diminish that much of it is an escape for (good) people frm wrk,stress and the nuances of daily life, where they get to at times exaggerate for several hrs under the influence of ALCOHOL. Not to excuse the behavior but I do think great guys go to bars but it's not necessarily the best time to meet them. I've found myself at Lodge in East Hampton or almond in Bridge Hampton on weekends and I usually tend to stick to my Clique of friends, I am dating someone but not opposed to making friends but it's usually hard when your trying to catch up w/ friends to find out what's going on in their lives or tossing ideas in the mix for future travel plans and at best B.S,ing

    Best Of Luck
    Hillie
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    Jul 07, 2009 10:50 AM GMT
    I stopped going to clubs for those exact reasons. I stopped socialising with people who I thought were friends but really were just people I went out with. I joined a gay hockey club to meet decent gay guys, and I spent more time nurturing my friendship with the few great (straight and gay) friends I have.

    Best thing I ever did in my life.
  • t0theheights

    Posts: 428

    Jul 07, 2009 11:55 AM GMT
    Wow, so much negativity about the gay bar scene, once again. The scene is what you make of it, plain and simple. There are great people everywhere, just as much as there are losers and people with attitude everywhere. Gay bars can be great fun if you know how to handle yourself and how to appropriately socialize with the right people.

    Don't blame the gay bar because you can't manage to make it work for you. That's just transference.
  • Menergy_1

    Posts: 737

    Jul 07, 2009 1:14 PM GMT
    What's a gay bar or gay club? icon_lol.gif

    there aren't any anymore in Santa Fe nor Albuquerque, the largest city in NM. Well, I take that back - one gay bar has survived in the last 4.5 years - in Albuquerque ("Sidewinder"). All the others closed down, and Santa Fe has only had one gay bar I know of, which closed a couple of years ago. Same with the mixed group dance club/multiple bar venue here ("Swig")- transformed into a neutral restaurant and "club" over a year and a half ago.

    So, its all "gay friendly" or mixed crowds anywhere now -- you take your chances and hope your gaydar is working (not too hard to do in many cases! :rollicon_smile.gif and maybe someone will become a new acquaintance and one goes on from there. Or not.

    I kinda wish I could have a gay bar/scene/club to test out!

    (Logging onto notorious personals sites as I type.....)icon_twisted.gif