closeted male exposed in workplace

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 07, 2009 4:02 PM GMT
    Hi, this has probably been posted before but I am needing some help dealing with this. I'm a 38 year old male who has on again off again homosexual tendencies. When I was 32 I was "caught". I was working as a construction worker and word spread throughout the industry I was in about me. I have never denied it but never admitted anything. Since then I have tried to switch careers many times to get away from this but it just keeps following me. I work in predominately hetero environements. Usually it is anywhere from 6 months to a year before word gets out and then there is the dreaded "faggot" and "boy lover" innuendo's that get tossed out and every other word seems to be directed at me. I am getting so tired of this! I feel like I am some kind of perverted freak and my life has greatly been affected by all of this. I used to be so confident about myself and abilities now I am like the timid wallflower at work after this comes out. I don't know how to handle it! Lately every aspect of my personal life has been affected. I don't go out and I would prefer to be alone. I took a job last Monday since I have been unemployed for about 6 months after returning to school to yet again switch careers. Yesterday the "faggot" remarks started. I realize that the term "gay" gets tossed around like the wind with 20 something males but I know the drill when this starts happening. I get this uneasy feeling that just never lets up. I know that there is probably not alot of advice you can give me in dealing with this other than accept it and move on but has anyone else been in this situation and if so what did you do?
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    Jul 07, 2009 4:13 PM GMT
    Show them what you got. Be yourself. Define who you are. Brush off the negative comments or sock them in the face if needed.

    They are trying to make you feel ashamed. Don't allow it.

    In fact, kiss a guy in front of them. Fuk em.
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    Jul 07, 2009 5:11 PM GMT
    Ive been working in your field for most of my life. No one knows about me. How are they "just finding out?"
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    Jul 07, 2009 5:13 PM GMT
    KissingPro saidShow them what you got. Be yourself. Define who you are. Brush off the negative comments or sock them in the face if needed.

    They are trying to make you feel ashamed. Don't allow it.

    In fact, kiss a guy in front of them. Fuk em.


    you have never worked construction before, have you...you may as well walk into a KKK/neo nazi get together rally and tell everyone you are gay and kiss a guy there. these are pretty much the same mentality people.
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    Jul 07, 2009 5:27 PM GMT
    KissingPro saidShow them what you got. Be yourself. Define who you are. Brush off the negative comments or sock them in the face if needed.

    They are trying to make you feel ashamed. Don't allow it.

    In fact, kiss a guy in front of them. Fuk em.



    This is probably the best advice. "kiss a guy in front of them" i.e., don't let them shame you for something you should not be ashamed of. Don't allow the enviroment to push you into a corner. You got to be you. You will always find some jerk but mostly in the minority.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jul 07, 2009 5:30 PM GMT
    You have to make a choice here ....

    and I'm not telling you which one to make
    either you're going to have to remain the timid wallflower
    and take what comes and roll with the punches

    or .... you'll have to hit it headlong
    and when someone says Faggot .... you have to say
    I prefer homosexual
    or anything you feel comfortable with

    either it's time to hunker deeper in the closet or come out all together
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    Jul 07, 2009 5:36 PM GMT
    ScottPensacola said
    KissingPro saidShow them what you got. Be yourself. Define who you are. Brush off the negative comments or sock them in the face if needed.

    They are trying to make you feel ashamed. Don't allow it.

    In fact, kiss a guy in front of them. Fuk em.


    you have never worked construction before, have you...you may as well walk into a KKK/neo nazi get together rally and tell everyone you are gay and kiss a guy there. these are pretty much the same mentality people.


    At the pride parade, there were various groups..like cops, lawyers, judges, politicians, ministers.....so many....that had the balls and courage to be out there.

    I'm not advocating of intentionally putting yourself in physical danger. I AM saying that all too often, gay people assume the worst if they were open and proud and easily hide behind that reasoning. A person who puts out a fearful timid energy is going to attract trouble.

    Give straight people a chance to make up their own minds about you, rather than assuming they will harm you.

    And yes, I do work in construction.( I own my own landscape design company). I know plenty of gay guys in the same field. And I interact with many burly straight men all the time. The issues we deal with have to do with business and getting the job at hand done, not my sexuality.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jul 07, 2009 5:44 PM GMT
    I would review your approach that you have had in these environments and see what it is you are doing and make a determination.

    First let me say, I don't think you should somehow, "change" your normal professional (or workplace) behavior. If you are doing things you shouldn't like asking other coworkers out.. or discussing your gay life (which I'm sure your not on either count).. I'd pass.

    I like GQ Jock's recommendations. You are a valuable and talented guy, an asset to your employer. You deserve to live your life as as you wish. If it were me, I'd probably confront the dudes saying what their saying... at 200 lbs and 6'1", I don't have too much of a problem, but I'd prefer confrontation than letting it upset you and upset your life. If you get into trouble for
    it.. .so be it. As a skinny, small kid, I put up with too much for too long.
    You deserve to be a happy and healthy gay man, in or out of your workplace.
    I would, however, make sure human resources knows and understands you are being taunted. I'd pass on giving them lots of information. Just knowing you are being taunted at the workplace for no reason should be enough.


    Do keep us informed.
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    Jul 07, 2009 5:45 PM GMT
    Well, "they", being my employers have found out since I need to list references and past jobs on applications. I think! KC is a small town really everyone knows everbody else. When i was in construction< resedential house framing all the crews I worked for knew another crew leader or employee or I showed up to a job and someone that knew me was working there. Bouncing from one job to another didn't help. Switching careers just hurt my bank account and my infamy grew.
    I am former millitary(infantry). I would love to just smack someone around but I feel this would only make things worse. Plus I am hopelessly outnumbered most of the time.
    I know its my own damn fault for listing employers that I may have reason to believe are spreading this but you have to give experience level. I am currently seeking work as a truck driver but had a "off duty" screw up. Among getting drunk at a bar and thrown out I asked the hotel clerk if he was gay. This got back to headquarters and after listing this employer as reference started getting the "gay" call yesterday after just 1 week of working. I didn't go in today actually no call no show so I know this won't look good tomorrow if I have a job.
    "Kissing another guy" is defenitely a no go! Kansas isn't exactly California!
    I feel for everyone out there who has come out and is trying to pick up the pieces.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 07, 2009 5:54 PM GMT
    land of the free and home of the brave.

    icon_eek.gif
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    Jul 07, 2009 6:18 PM GMT
    In situations like this you have to be a Diva(yes I love that wordicon_biggrin.gif) Don't be afraid to complain to the head honcho.If the head honcho is the same way just tell him " honey, If you don't do something about this mess you got going on here I'll see your ass in court". You don't have to say it like that but you get the point.

    but for the little Durrunt durrunts. just Ignore them and do what you got to do. unless your a Diva you can throw some Comebacks at them. If you do got some comebacks please make sure they don't start with "Yo mama" ahahah oh goodness.
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    Jul 07, 2009 9:30 PM GMT
    That does suck being in a small town, and yes, they do talk. Owners know owners, in every trade. They all drink together, hang out, etc. They have all worked side by side many times over and one thing their bigoted minds love to talk about is the "faggot" working at such and such. I know guys that were not only ostracized completely by everyone at work, but guys that were the targets of nailgun "misfires", boxes of nails falling from second stories, etc. I dont think the physical harm bothers me as much as the ostracization. Nothing is worse than going to work and no one will talk to you for fear of their buddies thinking they are gay. Or getting "looks could kill" looks from the other half. So many hot guys at work but I know those are off limits cause there are maybe 1 in 25 that are gay. I would just let time let it die. Fuck em. The damage is done and it will be old news soon. They arent worth your time.
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    Jul 07, 2009 9:36 PM GMT
    So, what is tying you down to KC? Have you thought about relocating to a more amicable community/town/city? It certainly does not seem to be work.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jul 07, 2009 9:38 PM GMT
    justmeinkc saidWell, "they", being my employers have found out since I need to list references and past jobs on applications. I think! KC is a small town really everyone knows everbody else. When i was in construction< resedential house framing all the crews I worked for knew another crew leader or employee or I showed up to a job and someone that knew me was working there. Bouncing from one job to another didn't help. Switching careers just hurt my bank account and my infamy grew.

    "Kissing another guy" is defenitely a no go! Kansas isn't exactly California!
    I


    OK, KC is a metro area with almost a million people in it. If you were arguing Wichita, I might .. might.. agree. Is there any of your previous employers that you can rely upon for a good reference? If so, move someplace else or do something different.
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    Jul 07, 2009 9:49 PM GMT
    I work in Construction as well, the guys know, most at least, and I don't get ANY shit form ANYONE!

    Thing is, if you don't own what/who are, others will mock you til you do! So, own it, come with it and betcha no one will say shit! If not, well there you go.....
  • jarhead5536

    Posts: 1348

    Jul 07, 2009 9:51 PM GMT
    lenoxx saidIn situations like this you have to be a Diva(yes I love that wordicon_biggrin.gif) Don't be afraid to complain to the head honcho.If the head honcho is the same way just tell him " honey, If you don't do something about this mess you got going on here I'll see your ass in court". You don't have to say it like that but you get the point.


    Sorry, but we do not enjoy workplace protections in this country yet. You can still legally be fired, kicked out of housing or denied access to public accomodation for being gay, so complaining to management is not a good option...
  • builtofbrick

    Posts: 54

    Jul 07, 2009 9:54 PM GMT
    i wont fix the current problem, but id try figuring out whats tipn them off. is it a traite or .....? thats what i would do
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    Jul 07, 2009 10:08 PM GMT
    move
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    Jul 07, 2009 10:08 PM GMT
    justmeinkc saidHi, this has probably been posted before but I am needing some help dealing with this. I'm a 38 year old male who has on again off again homosexual tendencies. When I was 32 I was "caught". I was working as a construction worker and word spread throughout the industry I was in about me. I have never denied it but never admitted anything. Since then I have tried to switch careers many times to get away from this but it just keeps following me. I work in predominately hetero environements. Usually it is anywhere from 6 months to a year before word gets out and then there is the dreaded "faggot" and "boy lover" innuendo's that get tossed out and every other word seems to be directed at me. I am getting so tired of this! I feel like I am some kind of perverted freak and my life has greatly been affected by all of this. I used to be so confident about myself and abilities now I am like the timid wallflower at work after this comes out. I don't know how to handle it! Lately every aspect of my personal life has been affected. I don't go out and I would prefer to be alone. I took a job last Monday since I have been unemployed for about 6 months after returning to school to yet again switch careers. Yesterday the "faggot" remarks started. I realize that the term "gay" gets tossed around like the wind with 20 something males but I know the drill when this starts happening. I get this uneasy feeling that just never lets up. I know that there is probably not alot of advice you can give me in dealing with this other than accept it and move on but has anyone else been in this situation and if so what did you do?


    I received an email from a Real Jock member that I should address this thread.

    Let's work through a couple of things here.

    1. If you like dick, either part time, or fulltime, you're gay, or bi. Period.
    2. Do the jerk off test. If you jerk off to guys, you're gay.
    3. You're 38 years old, and trembling like a newborn kitten stop it.
    4. Gay / bi happens everywhere in nature.
    5. Get over yourself. Like yourself. The rest will follow.
    6. Do you have integrity? You've lived 38 years without it. Now would be the first day of your life to be a decent human. Gain some integrity.

    Nobody gives a shit what you like in the bedroom. What they give a shit about, and you give them ammo for, is your lack of integrity and your fear of being a honest man. Shape up. Folks will prey upon your self-loathing. STOP IT.

    Once you come to like yourself, those who are your true friends will still be. Most folks already know about your sexuality. You don't need assholes in your life, nor do you need to lead a miserable existence. Give yourself permission to be honest, and live a pleasant life.

    It's JUST sexuality. Nothing less, and nothing more.

    You can google on me. My name is in my profile. I live my life with integrity, virtue, honor, and with no big secrets. You'll be a bunch happier if you quit fooling yourself and doing the same.

    You have to stop the self-destructive behavior of being closeted. STOP IT.

    Tell folks. "I'm gay" or "I'm bi". "Were you wanting a date?"

    Otherwise, live a miserable life, or move.

    This isn't nuclear science. It's common sense 101.
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    Jul 07, 2009 10:15 PM GMT
    Given that the closet is so ineffective for you and you pack up your life and move on anyway, why not man up and come out? Being called faggot only eats at you if you're fucked up inside.

    See a counsellor, get some advice.

    Honesty will gain you more respect from your workmates than lying. Give it a go. If it all goes to shit move on again. You're about halfway through your life, don't waste the rest of it.

    Good luck.
  • Matia79

    Posts: 215

    Jul 07, 2009 10:25 PM GMT
    It seems everyone is agreeing here my friend. I don't think the answer is changing careers or running away from the situation. In fact, the only thing you're running away from is yourself...and I think we both know it's just not possible.

    Look, for the entirety of my teenage years I grew up in a rural community and when I briefly worked in that community, believe me, the words "fag", "queer", "cock sucker" were common . . . but only once did anyone EVER direct that at me. Once. Never again was it an issue because it was clear, without my even having to say so, that I wasn't going to accept that kind of shit from anyone! When people came around and got to know me for who I was instead of what I was, I made a tonne of friends and was very well respected...even when I go back now and visit I have people asking me for dinner's to their places and the like.

    I can't believe I'm doing this again but I'm agreeing with Chucky . . . to a degree!!! What's clearly happening here is that you are making yourself the victim! Believe it or not, it's not so much them doing it, it's you. So they call you a fag . . . big deal?! What does that mean...you suck cock or even just think about it?! News flash!!!...you do!!!...So does everyone else on this site. That's no-one's business and it doesn't define WHO YOU ARE. What makes you "you" is the way you conduct yourself . . . and right now the way you seem to be conducting is perpetuating the problem. By hiding against the walls and letting people read that they are able to have power over you, you are letting them do the exact thing you want to avoid. Take your own power back and refuse to be treated than anything less than what you deserve!

    Live your life the way you are MEANT to live it and not the way you think you're SUPPOSED to live it! Live Out Loud!
  • creature

    Posts: 5197

    Jul 07, 2009 10:36 PM GMT
    My only suggestion is do what you were hired to do. Don't let their harsh attitudes impact your professionalism. I understand that it is a difficult environment to work in, but try to keep your head up. Running away is not going to solve anything.

    If you stick around and show the utmost respect for your co-workers and your job, you'll likely change an opinion or two regarding your sexuality.
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    Jul 07, 2009 10:38 PM GMT
    stop allowing fear control your life.. take hold of it and use it for you.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jul 07, 2009 10:39 PM GMT
    It sounds like you have been given a test to think about for yourself

    You've listed a lot of reasons why your life and your work place aren't the best
    Do you have roots where you are living right now?
    Do you have career plans there that can't be done anywhere else?

    If the answer to any of these questions is no
    Then start looking for work some where else .... move to a gay friendlier area
    reinvent yourself
    be truer to who you really are

    You've been given a choice by the gods my man
    and it's a multiple choice test
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 07, 2009 10:40 PM GMT
    Time to grow some, Pumpkin. Be a real boy. Stop with the neurosis. Time to fix some shit.

    9730_176026.jpg

    Your life is the way it is because you made it that way. If you like it that way, do nothing, otherwise, do something to change it.