Can't get a date ...

  • SoDakGuy

    Posts: 1862

    Apr 25, 2007 3:09 PM GMT
    I would KILL for a date. Seriously ... I haven't been on a date in over a year.

    Granted ... I have gone on biking and hiking type of dates, but seriously ... it's been awhile. :)

    I may need some dating tips besides me dishing out tips all the time.

    I can't get a date.

    It's really hard to date here in Minneapolis.
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    Apr 25, 2007 5:17 PM GMT
    Solution: move to Florida, 'cuse I need a date too, LOL!

    I haven't been on a date in a really long time either =P
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    Apr 25, 2007 5:43 PM GMT
    A date? What's that???
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    Apr 25, 2007 6:59 PM GMT
    Apparently you are not alone in your alone-ness. lol. Not much dating here in central Kansas either.
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    Apr 25, 2007 8:00 PM GMT
    I've just had a look at your profile and you know what? Maybe you need to take yourself a little less seriously. All that exercise and eating doesn't make you sound like you'd actually be that much fun to be around. And, on a first date I certainly wouldn't want to go running or rock climbing. But, hey, that's my initial thoughts on reading your profile. Plus, you sound a little desperate, why not cut out all that crap about how terrible your previous boyfriends were? No-one cares.
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    Apr 25, 2007 8:19 PM GMT
    ok, i have a feeling its not that you cant find a date (cant imagine you would, your pic is nice), but more that you are picky in who you are willing to go out with (not so much looks because i think most are pretty picky with that, but more with how masculine you want the person).
    i would just say go to a local gay bar, but i have a feeling you are not really into the people that are there or you would have already. however, if you are looking to perhaps meet people there with no luck, i would suggest: 1. going alone so you dont just hang around your friends, or 2. go with one friend that is pretty social and willing to help you approach people you are interested in. another option is to try to find gay sporting groups. almost every major city has at least one group (if you were out here near LA there are countless numbers of these groups) and if you are into more straight acting guys this may be a great way for you to meet people. the best way to find these groups is to use online sources.
    just stay positive though; no one ever wants someone that is negative or seems somewhat desperate. see out here i have a different problem: dates are not hard to find, its people that are not fake and are actually genuine who are rare. people here are often too caught up in the glamour of hollywood and rarely do what they say they will (obviously there are exceptions, so please if you are from the general LA area dont bombard me with e-mails telling me you are not fake lol). but yeah, just take your time and the right person will come along; stive for quality not quantity. good luck ;)
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    Apr 25, 2007 8:28 PM GMT
    ok, i completely disagree with most of what redheadguy said. personally, i love going hiking or to the beach on a date, and to be honest some of the most romantic dates i had have been doing such things. plus, its a good way to find someone who is interested in the same things you are (you look to have a great body, so obviously that is something that is important to you). dont compromise yourself in trying to find someone, find the person who is right for you. i will, however, agree with him in the deperation thing, and i somewhat touched on it myself. dont let too many know your are searching for a date, you will just seem bellow the level you really are. but you will find a date and someone, sometimes it just takes time
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    Apr 25, 2007 8:41 PM GMT
    "I've just had a look at your profile and you know what? Maybe you need to take yourself a little less seriously. All that exercise and eating doesn't make you sound like you'd actually be that much fun to be around."

    Different strokes for different folks. I think he's perfectly datable and I think his idea of a date would be nice and different as opposed to the usual boring "let's eat dinner" or "let's watch a movie" type date :p.
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    Apr 25, 2007 8:51 PM GMT
    So, you'd be happy going rock climbing with a stranger you've never met before and who you'd have to trust with your personal safety?

    You would? Then you're a bigger man than me.
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    Apr 25, 2007 9:14 PM GMT
    well, there is a difference between a blind date and a date. typically on a blind date (and im using this to mean someone you have not met in person), you want it to be in a somewhat public place (but i have been on dates in santa barbara where we rent bikes and stuff and i think that would be fitting for a blind date, not to mention fun and original), but i certainly think rock climbing would be a valid date, maybe not a blind one unless other people were there. but i think hes asking more how to find a date, and personally i would never suggest online. i think personal encounters are far superior to anything typed.
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    Apr 25, 2007 9:23 PM GMT
    I disagree with "redheadguy" that you are "...taking yourself too seriously." It's one thing to say that you need to think through what you've written in your profile, and another thing to say what he said...which is to imply that you think you are better than most dateable guys.

    I am also into fitness...and know where you are coming from in what you wrote. However, here's my view from personal experience. I think it's not a good idea to look for a "first date" run, or rock climb, because you won't get to know the person that way. You DO need to sit down, relax, make eye contact, talk etc. It's very difficult to do that while you are running (forget the eye contact, of course) or involved in something so strenuous.

    I agree that those are exactly the sorts of things you'd do once you have a friendship/relationship, as a shared experience.

    Perhaps you meant that you'd like to meet someone who can eventually share those activities with you? If so, you should word your profile that way, IMHO.

    Actually, the only people who might be "scared" away by the wording in your profile are simply people who are not actively athletic. But it may be true that people who just want to talk on a first date (and who are actively athletic) might think that you want to do something like a long run as an icebreaker.

    That still wouldn't scare me away though.
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    Apr 25, 2007 9:49 PM GMT
    Fastprof hit the nail on the head. Also, make people contacts and be friendly, If there is a connection you will know it. Sometime we put too much pressure on ourselves and we fail cause we don't even try. Sometimes you can get some valuable info from other guys on this site and they can point you in directions that you never knew existed.

    On your profile let guys know how you think and what kind of a person you are globally and not just in the gym.

    Good luck!
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    Apr 26, 2007 12:15 AM GMT
    "So, you'd be happy going rock climbing with a stranger you've never met before and who you'd have to trust with your personal safety?

    You would? Then you're a bigger man than me."

    Well that's the thing, isn't it? I wouldn't exactly go on a date with someone I've NEVER met before. I'd have to at least know him on SOME level and usually it's not difficult to deduce things about that person before the date :p.
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    Apr 26, 2007 12:30 AM GMT
    It's definitely not just you, and not just your location. In my experience there are a lot of guys out there who don't even know what dating IS, let alone have the emotional maturity to be capable of a healthy relationship. It seems like most guys are either out for hookups -- or the other extreme, you meet them for coffee and they call you 436 times the very next day.

    Personally, I've gotten so discouraged by flakes, weirdos, and people with various psychological issues that I no longer really try. I live my life, hang out with my friends, and keep myself accessible but don't really do much more than that. I still hope to accidentally knock the broccoli out of some hot guy's hands while turning around at the grocery store...

    It helps me to know that friends have similar issues. I have a 38 year old female friend with identical dating issues, so I can at least rest assured that it isn't just me. There really aren't as many healthy, functional relationships out there as you'd think; some people are just so afraid of being alone that they stay in deeply compromised relationships. When you feel down about being single, try asking yourself where you'd really rather be...

    That probably doesn't help, but there are definitely others who know how you feel. And some of us really like your profile, too.

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    Apr 26, 2007 12:41 AM GMT
    I agree: I know a large amount of people that are in really bad relationships for the sake of being in a relationship. I haven't been in one in over a year, the exception being when I tried giving a shot with someone I liked but it didn't quite work out. I talked to him recently and when he found I was single he told me that he didn't doubt it because he thought I "didn't like being in relationships," to which I replied I just don't do pointless, negative, toxic, and destructive relationships....all of this, mind you, after he spent an hour b!tchin' and moaning about how badly things have been going with his current boyfriend (and really, that relationship has been a mess).

    Quite frankly, I'm single for the same reason: because it's really hard to come across a guy that understands what it means to have a REAL relationship, specially at my age.

    At this point I'm just in that same boat: I'm keeping myself available but I'm not really bothering to look for the crazies that always seem to follow me. I figure that eventually, I'll just run into someone really worth the time, the effort, and the love...and if I don't, well I'm living my life, loving MYSELF, and enjoying every minute of it. So it's not like I'm wasting time :)
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    Apr 26, 2007 7:24 AM GMT
    OK honestly i would have to agree with you in your profile about same old wine a dine,, it gets old.. my first dates i always take them out to climb the wall its some close by indoor rock climbing forcility.. so much fun and it kind of builds trust of the bat.. i love it.. i dont know if i could keep up with u jogging though haha but i could try
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    Apr 26, 2007 7:28 AM GMT
    Well, maybe you present yourself as unattainable. You have a hot body, a guy next door look, the shaved head is really appealing on you, and you've got a great smile--so it's not your looks. You seem to have an honest, open attitude, you're willing to try new things, you seem stable and dedicated, and you claim that you want to date--so attitude shouldn't probably be an issue (besides, if it were, you'd go on one or a few dates and then things would drop). Are you sure that you are making people feel comfortable enough to ask you out, that you're seeking out groups of people that are attracted to you (physically, intellectually, and emotionally), as well as outgoing enough to try asking people out as well? Or worse, are you sure you're not ignoring people's dropped hints that they'd like to go out with you?
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    Apr 26, 2007 12:52 PM GMT
    I guess it's about priorities.

    It's very easy to let team sports, a workout routine or other commitments fill up your schedule and after time they may seem immovable.

    But that's not the case as making a choice is the simplest thing in the world but it comes down to what's most important to you.

    If you're finding that not everyone spends their time relaxing the way you do they you may want to consider a compromise, taking one or two days off a week to see what else is out there, try something new. Your goals won't necessarily suffer for a small change in routine.

    I have some experience with this. I used to use training for / playing rugby 3x a week (on top of everything else) as an excuse not to date guys. If I wanted to hang out with a friend I ended up having to recruit them to the team because I was inflexible in missing training or socialising with my team.

    But on short weeks between seasons you suddenly realise there's this whole world you've been missing out on.
  • SoDakGuy

    Posts: 1862

    Apr 26, 2007 4:15 PM GMT
    I sound serious??? SHUT UP! My profile is written to be light hearted and fun. I know I'm a great catch and for awhile now, I had to take myself OUT of the dating pool and figure out myself.

    I still had fun though, but that's a different posting all together.

    Anyway ... I love the way I work out. I'm really intense and this is what I like about me.

    I bike everywhere in Minneapolis since I don't own a car, so I'm always on a bike getting groceries, heading to the gym, off to work ... that's what I do. It's normal for me.

    Running, I started out of pure boredom. I got bored and I decided to just go run. I only run a couple times a week and I don't run that far ... about 6 miles tops.

    Seriously ... dating is really hard here in this city. My options are limited. I'm a freak since I'm a health nut and I don't really care to go to the bars like I use to when I was a younger kid. Flabby ass twinks don't do a thing for me nor do closet cases and bears.

    It would be nice to date someone around my age. In the past, I dated guys older than me (up to 17 yrs older), but I want to meet guys closer to my age. I also have a bit of a trust issue since the last few boyfriends cheated on me (hence the reason of taking myself outta the dating pool for awhile now).

    I have learned that I gotta keep to myself that I am an amateur boxer. I've mentioned in conversations that I box. I get this mixed look of fascination and fear when I say this. Yeah, my right hooks can knock someone out, but it doesn't mean I'm going to beat them up. (Well ... unless they cheat on me, then ... I'm kidding! Really! I'm kidding!!) ;)

    So ... I just turned 30; I'm an active guy and I just want to meet someone that likes what I do and respects it at the same time and then I, in return, can do the same. :)
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Apr 27, 2007 6:09 AM GMT
    You shouldn't have to change a thing about yourself, because being or acting like someone you're not will wear off soon and the relationship will fail anyway..

    I was there (MN) several times for work. It seemed the majority of the folks were on the big side, maybe just where I was??

    I would say best bet MOVE to a warmer climate!!!!!!!!
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    Apr 27, 2007 6:06 PM GMT
    ah dude... you asked THE QUESTION. dating. i have no tips other than be honest and dont settle for less than what you want. dating in the gay community can be difficult but focus on the things that matter foremost... work.. family.. friends... health. a relationship will work its way into the mix eventually - we all hope. if it doesnt as is life. just be happy with who you are and do the things you want to do... the things that make you happy.
  • SoDakGuy

    Posts: 1862

    Apr 27, 2007 9:35 PM GMT
    Oh, you are totally right.

    I tried to conform to what they wanted me to be and it never, ever works out.

    I finally have a good group of friends (a few of them are straight guys) I can hang and talk to. I LOVE being physically active and if I meet someone, I meet someone.
  • duglyduckling

    Posts: 279

    May 06, 2007 4:48 AM GMT
    it really is a shame that you find it so hard to find datable guys in your area, but you know what? sometimes it's best when you stop looking.

    it's strange, and I don't know how many other guys experience this... but when I am desperately looking for someone to date or to hang out with, etc... I could never find anyone, it's like everyone went into hiding.

    but then when I stop looking, then people start coming out of the woodwork and they find me instead.

    and even stranger is that when I am dating someone, then all of a sudden, everyone wants a date with me, and it makes me nuts, cause at that time I am already "tied down" LOL.

    But just go with the flow and don't try so hard, you may be pleasantly surprised when you least expect it. :)
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    May 25, 2007 8:17 AM GMT
    You are clearly a hot guy. The biggest issue is finding people who you find worth dating. No that doesn't make you vain, it makes you honest.

    When muscle comes into play people often make it to be so nasty. But would it be any worst or better if I was a bony genius and I couldn't find dates? No of course not.

    I think really that you need to access what you consider to be a date. And the next guy you meet who you find interesting, go out on it.

    I know loneliness can be extremely bitter, but people just aren't working out for you then chances are they aren't worth your time any way.

    Honestly you have the guts and determination to maintain your life style and size and shape, so take that same initiative and apply it to this issue.

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    May 25, 2007 8:20 AM GMT
    And for as your profile, bravo.

    At least you wrote something. Imagine how many people, including myself, didn't even get that far.

    Stop psyching yourself out man. You have everything you need to get what you want. You just gotta believe it.