Only 2 weeks left and I'm nervous...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2009 10:46 AM GMT
    Just a few weeks ago my mom got a phone call from my dad(lives in Chicago) saying that he will be coming down to Tucson to pick up one of his cars.that was suppose to be mine(long story).We both know(me and my mom)that he is not coming here just for that. In the past my dad was extremely abusive to my mom,but when they got a divorce. I had to live with him and I was the one getting tossed from wall to wall. Just a few months ago he wrote a letter saying that he knows I'm mad that he had to leave me and move to Chicago.hmm? does that make sense to you? noicon_confused.gif I was pretty much happy. I haven't talked to him or wrote a letter to him in about 5 months and I refuse to talk to him ever again. (let me cut this short)

    He thinks my mom brain washed me to make me not talk to him.

    He has had drinking and gambling problems in the past.

    He is very unpredictable.

    lies to get what he wants.

    But the thing is everytime I try to tell him I don't want anything to do with him. He asks why? I'm silent and I can't utter a word. What should I do?
    I want to tell him to leave me the fuck alone but I can't.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jul 08, 2009 12:34 PM GMT
    Well let me say your 18 years old so you have just been "liberated" so to speak in the eyes of the law.

    I think you need to think about what behavior you want to present to both he and your mother in the future. It sounds like he has some real problems, don't make them yours.

    It can be hard to give you advice based on a post on a thread. We don't know you or the situation beyond what you've written, but I can say this:
    You need to take the initiative to protect yourself (and your mother if appropriate). That means when he arrives, I'd suggest any conversations you have (or your mother) is in the company of others (3rd parties).
    Keep the conversations civil, reserved and bypass the past if you can.

    In the end, you are going to have to decide what kind of relationship (if any) you want with this man. It will become clear as you get older and he has to deal with you as an independent man. My suggestion (again based on little information) is to keep the door open. Maybe he'll straighten his act out.
    But if he doesn't, you need to learn to deal with him. "I don't know what to say", doesn't cut it... for long.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Jul 08, 2009 12:42 PM GMT
    Don't allow him to control the situation.

    He's picking up a car? Then fine, let him pick it up. Have it ready to go, keys in hand. When he shows up, go outside and give him the keys. Then say "Goodbye" and go back inside. Don't let him in the house. Don't give him an opening.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2009 12:52 PM GMT
    I think Timb gave an excellent suggestion.

    My cousin was in a similar situation once. Before dad could drive away with the car he emptied his bladder on the driver's seat. While I don't recommend this immature behavior abusive spouses and parents are really below consideration.

    If he presses the issue, tell him you don't want anything to do with him because he hit your mother and he hit you and should you ever be ready for a conversation you will call him.
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    Jul 08, 2009 5:53 PM GMT
    Thanks for your advice,guys. I'll probably give him the keys. tell him I don't ever want to talk to him again and say goodbye. I'll probably make a fallow up post to tell you guys what happened when he showed up.

    And make sure I have the handy next to me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2009 6:11 PM GMT
    Timberoo saidDon't allow him to control the situation.

    He's picking up a car? Then fine, let him pick it up. Have it ready to go, keys in hand. When he shows up, go outside and give him the keys. Then say "Goodbye" and go back inside. Don't let him in the house. Don't give him an opening.

    Good advice. And to be prepared to hurry things along, you might want to be able to tell him where a nearby motel is.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2009 6:19 PM GMT
    Timberoo saidDon't allow him to control the situation.

    He's picking up a car? Then fine, let him pick it up. Have it ready to go, keys in hand. When he shows up, go outside and give him the keys. Then say "Goodbye" and go back inside. Don't let him in the house. Don't give him an opening.



    i grew up in various scenarios just like yours, and the only amendment i would make to timberoo's suggestion is that you have the key to the car sitting in the seat of the car, so that you don't even have to say goodbye to him. put a note on the door with his name on it, let him read simply "the keys are in the car," and let him figure the rest out on his own. pretend to not be at home.
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    Jul 08, 2009 6:26 PM GMT
    Sometimes people have a hard time coming to understand another's pain, especially when that pain was inflicted by them. He might need to know, in your eyes and with your words, how much he hurt you so that he knows why you don't want anything to do with him. Telling him to leave you the fuck alone sidesteps the hurt, the pain, the sadness that you feel at what he did to you. Until he knows that your pushing him away comes from this place of pain, he may never fully know and may never fully back away.

    I'm wishing you strength through this difficult time.
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    Jul 08, 2009 6:31 PM GMT
    Caslon11000 said
    Timberoo saidDon't allow him to control the situation.

    He's picking up a car? Then fine, let him pick it up. Have it ready to go, keys in hand. When he shows up, go outside and give him the keys. Then say "Goodbye" and go back inside. Don't let him in the house. Don't give him an opening.

    Good advice. And to be prepared to hurry things along, you might want to be able to tell him where a nearby motel is.


    He should have a hotel ready for him plus I think he is only going to be here for a day (I hope)

    every time I see him. The memory of me first getting hit keeps popping up.

    He Drank a bottle of jack Daniels. He ran into the screen door and told me to fix it and I did.

    This part just got me soo mad!! you know when there is alot of pressure in a house and when you try to close a door it slams. well, that happened and I reopened the door and said "sorry" as I opened the door I could hear him run towards my bedroom so,I locked my door knowing that he was angry.
    Angry+drunk=not good. I kept saying "sorry sorry sorry sorry I didn't mean to it was an accident" he just responded "Just let me in I won't do anything I promise" So I opened the door he slams me on the ground.
    I had two black eyes
    busted lip
    bruise on my arm and ribs
    punched me in my stomach so hard that I threw up.

    If anyone is planning on be a father out there.please be responsible when It comes to drinking.

    If only that door wouldn't had slam...
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    Jul 08, 2009 6:38 PM GMT
    BradySF saidSometimes people have a hard time coming to understand another's pain, especially when that pain was inflicted by them. He might need to know, in your eyes and with your words, how much he hurt you so that he knows why you don't want anything to do with him. Telling him to leave you the fuck alone sidesteps the hurt, the pain, the sadness that you feel at what he did to you. Until he knows that your pushing him away comes from this place of pain, he may never fully know and may never fully back away.

    I'm wishing you strength through this difficult time.


    He knows what happened throughout the years hes just being stupid. I just can't bring it up to him. I don't like "reliving" the pain. He tried to make it up by giving me money all the time. you better belived I took the money but I still hate him.
  • CollegeBoy

    Posts: 8

    Jul 08, 2009 6:44 PM GMT
    HndsmKansan saidWell let me say your 18 years old so you have just been "liberated" so to speak in the eyes of the law.

    I think you need to think about what behavior you want to present to both he and your mother in the future. It sounds like he has some real problems, don't make them yours.

    It can be hard to give you advice based on a post on a thread. We don't know you or the situation beyond what you've written, but I can say this:
    You need to take the initiative to protect yourself (and your mother if appropriate). That means when he arrives, I'd suggest any conversations you have (or your mother) is in the company of others (3rd parties).
    Keep the conversations civil, reserved and bypass the past if you can.

    In the end, you are going to have to decide what kind of relationship (if any) you want with this man. It will become clear as you get older and he has to deal with you as an independent man. My suggestion (again based on little information) is to keep the door open. Maybe he'll straighten his act out.
    But if he doesn't, you need to learn to deal with him. "I don't know what to say", doesn't cut it... for long.



    I agree. I'd add that you need to straighten all thoughts out in your own head and decide what you want for sure. As hard as it is...forget the anger and be as rational, civil and adult as possible. If you give any reason for him to react with anger, he will. I also saw someone post "give him the keys and say goodbye" if that's really what you want, I would agree. From what it sounds like, he doesn't deserve an explanation from you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2009 7:00 PM GMT
    Make sure you have company over the ENTIRE time he is around. Don't ever put yourself in a situation with him alone (or with mom) and the more people you can have over the better. Take control of the situation, make sure the odds are on YOUR side.
  • Koaa2

    Posts: 1556

    Jul 08, 2009 7:25 PM GMT
    If I were you I would arrange to meet him away from your home, in a public place, maybe near a police station. i would never meet this man at home.

    Also bring along a trusted friend, or friends, who know the situation, and who can set firm limits and stand up to him, if you can't.

    Good luck.
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    Jul 08, 2009 7:30 PM GMT
    Can you park the car in long term parking at an airport and mail him the key?
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    Jul 08, 2009 7:49 PM GMT
    If you really feel threatened, have a Deputy Sheriff there just in case. Meet him outside,(or at the local Taco Bell so he won't know where you live) hand him the keys, wish him well (KARMA!!) and go back inside.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2009 8:09 PM GMT
    Well the car has two flat tires and there is a certain way you have to turn on this car for it to start.Both me and my mom do not know how to turn it on.
    Its like a 1960's Mercedes. There will be a tow truck(I believe its one of his friends) that will be there to pick it up with him. If anything happens I can call the cops or my mom can and they will be there quite fast since they protroll the block next to mine, but they do sometimes like to take their sweet time.
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Jul 08, 2009 9:03 PM GMT
    If anything happens you need to file a restraining order.
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    Jul 08, 2009 9:06 PM GMT
    lenoxx said


    If only that door wouldn't had slam...


    It probably wouldn't have mattered, as another situation would have come up. You can't blame yourself because of his condition. Just keep yourself safe, have backup (I would agree to have someone there, and not wait until he becomes violent).