"I'M OUT" UPDATE

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    Jul 08, 2009 5:29 PM GMT
    My life has forever changed for the worst. As I write this to you, am crying and misterable. I'm afraid my dad wants nothing to do with me and mom is jus devastated. I wrote a very lengthy email to her explaining everything and she replied this morning with this:

    "Blake,

    I am not going into detail about anything in this email. I have written 11 pages and put in an envelope for you when you want to come and pick it up or I can mail it to you. It has almost everything I have to say in that letter. I will ask that you DO NOT tell Lauren, MIMI, PAPA, GRANNY OR POP. You will know why I ask that of you when you read my letters. There is only maybe a few things that you said in this letter that you are RIGHT about. I LOVE you and you will always be my son, and yes, this changes EVERYTHING for me the rest of my life whatever may be left. YOU will always be welcome at home and if you choose not to, I will just have to get over it like I am forced to do with everything else. The one thing that you said in your email that you are not right about is that the realization will settle in and it will pass.......this is the one thing time will NEVER heal for ME. Don't misunderstand what I am saying.....I am NOT mad at you, I want you to be happy, but my pain started where your happiness begins and it will be until the day I go to hell. I am not mad at you, I HATE life!!!!!!!!!! I would NOT be human if you thought for one moment I could ever be happy about something like this and that I wouldn't have these feelings. I LOVE YOU BLAKE.........."

    Guys, the pain hurts so bad....i'm crying so hard, i can't see the screen.....
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    Jul 08, 2009 5:43 PM GMT
    Your parents don´t know how they will feel in a year´s time. This is all new territory for them and it´s very scary.

    There are obvious signs that she´s not very balanced at the moment from the shock

    "I will just have to get over it like I am forced to do with everything else."

    "my pain started where your happiness begins and it will be until the day I go to hell."

    These are not things that she will be proud of saying when she gets over the shock.

    There´s a lot more that could be said, but that email reads like the emotional outpouring of someone who is very confused and whose world doesn´t fit together neatly anymore.

    Big eHug from the south.

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    Jul 08, 2009 5:46 PM GMT
    icon_sad.gificon_sad.gif I know how you feel. When I came out to my mom I promised myself never to do that again. I have never seen my mom cry the way she did before and it was extremely hard for me to take in. I later asked her why she was crying and she told me "I thought my child was normal" and this was coming from an atheist that has two lesbians as sisters and a gay cousin.Now everything is pretty much good between us even though it happen when I was 15(took a few months for her to adjust). Just the other day we were telling each other what our type of guy is and trust me you wouldn't catch me in bed with hers lol.

    But this whole part here "Don't misunderstand what I am saying.....I am NOT mad at you, I want you to be happy, but my pain started where your happiness begins and it will be until the day I go to hell. I am not mad at you, I HATE life!!!!!!!!!! I would NOT be human if you thought for one moment I could ever be happy about something like this and that I wouldn't have these feelings."

    She seems depressed.(takes time)

    I hope everything starts to get better for you

    LLLOVE Kevin.icon_neutral.gif
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    Jul 08, 2009 5:50 PM GMT
    Don't lose hope just yet, this email seems more like a rough draft than anything. It seems rushed.

    I don't know what you're going through but I think you should read her letters first before you do or think anything else about her reaction. Her letters should spell it out clearly... for better or for worse.

    I know it seems bad but you have to get through this. I'm sorry I can't do more for you...
  • eckilegs

    Posts: 223

    Jul 08, 2009 5:52 PM GMT
    I don't even know what to say dude. I'm really sorry that you're going through this. As it's never a good feeling to know that something you had little control over brings unhappiness to so many people you love. I just hope that time will mend all things between you and your famiily.
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    Jul 08, 2009 5:53 PM GMT
    Hang in there gayblaketx!!!

    I pray the BEST for you and your family!!! Stay strong!!

    Hugs from SF!!!
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    Jul 08, 2009 5:53 PM GMT
    I agree with the other poster. The mother is answering in the hear and now. Give her time to adjust . This is hard for her just like it is for you. I am glad that you responded to her though.

    Parents have a certain preconceived notion of how their child will end up. It's part of the 'dream' they have for their child to have a wonderful, happy, and successful life. When anything happens that veers from that, they get scared. This is irregardless of being gay,disabled ,etc. All of sudden that dream is gone and they dont usually know what will become of their child. Part of her reaction is probably based on the fact that she is scared at what type of hardship you may face and to many parents that is very scary. They consider it their jobs to protect their children from those hardships. Regardless of what she said, She said she loved you!! That is important. My heart goes out to you!
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    Jul 08, 2009 5:55 PM GMT
    I am touched by your willingness to share these emotions with all of us here. My heart goes out to you while you begin your process of healing and self acceptance. While it may not seem so today, you have done the right thing for you to move on as a healthy and whole individual. In time your parents will soften. They may never change their views entirely but your mom does love you and from that love she will begin to accept you as the wonderful man you have grown to be. It takes a lot of courage to accept yourself and to speak your truth to those you love most. It is part of the process.

    My family lives in Dallas and we do not always agree but I know they love me. It took time but they came around. Continue to be true to yourself and accept yourself. All good thoughts and wishes are going your way from NYC. ;)
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Jul 08, 2009 5:57 PM GMT
    Hey
    You have to live for you. This is your life. I'm sorry they reacted that way. do remember this, the people you loose when you come out, you gain that many in return in your new out family. Later your parents will come back. They just have to weigh what you have shared with who you are. It doesn't make you a freak or a pervert to be gay. Just be who you are and be happy.
    HUGS
  • NickoftheNort...

    Posts: 1416

    Jul 08, 2009 6:08 PM GMT
    As you mentioned earlier, they've suspected that you're attracted to and likely to love men for years. When you faced your mother with this information and confirmed their suspicions, these suspicions became incontrovertible realities; their abstracted fear came to life.

    This change is dramatic for them (and you, as you previously described) and a shock to their perception of their lives and of you. It will take them time to process through it, and they currently seem to be swinging out in shock.

    My advice: step back and let them. They appear to need time to deal with this change, and you may need time to gather yourself. For your sake, your priority should be on yourself and on processing this period of uncertainty without engaging in self-destructive activities.

    If you want to do good by your mother, you should work on stabilizing yourself and your confidence in who you are, gay and all. Communicate with her, but temper yourself: review what you write before you send it. Give her room to temporarily lash out.

    ***
    From a personal experience, my mother took some time dealing with me being gay. It was not as dramatic, but she tried assured me that I couldn't be certain I was gay at the time and that it could yet just be a phase. Over the years, she's getting more comfortable at taking up gay rights discussions with me (though I still note some hesitancy on her part).

    Give her time and give yourself the independence necessary to not depend on her progression for emotional support.
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    Jul 08, 2009 6:10 PM GMT
    So you didn't fit their narrow definition of who you should be. They will change that definition. They have no other choice. And they know they have no other choice, which is why they are fighting so hard. They're cornered, but they've painted themselves into that corner and now realize it isn't working for them. It's not your fault.

    Save these documents in a safe place. Bring them back out when some time has passed and your parents have gotten over the shock, and ask them to read it all again. Chances are the backtracking and apologies will begin. Often that can turn into a cascade of new understanding and empathy.

    But you have to get through the more immediate future...

    Everyone eventually has a family of choice to accompany their family of origin. Sounds like it is time to start building yours. Eventually, you'll have both in a way that works for you.

    *hug*
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    Jul 08, 2009 6:22 PM GMT
    Blake, I'm so sorry for the struggle, the pain and the hurt. I'm sorry also for the way your mom feels now. This reminds me of the movie 'Prayers for Bobby'. It took his mother years and the loss of her son to realize that her formulated misconceptions of what it was to be gay was anything but accurate and/or acceptable to herself, society or the God she loved.

    The important thing to take from her email is that she loves you. As time goes by, she will educate herself and reexamine her emotions. She will start to read things in papers, magazines and elsewhere about homosexuality that she never paid attention to prior. As long as her love is there, she will always be there for you. It's a lot for her to deal with, a lot for her to process, let her process it at her speed. Love her for who she is, your mother.

    Hold on to the hope that we all must keep, that one day the shades of misunderstanding will come off and the blindness people experience will be replaced with the open eyes of love and understanding.
  • NickoftheNort...

    Posts: 1416

    Jul 08, 2009 6:24 PM GMT
    Have this Jewish pearl of wisdom in mind during what turmoil the time ahead brings:
    Hebrew folktale about King Solomon
    This too shall pass.


    ***
    This Wikipedia page for the full tale.
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    Jul 08, 2009 6:30 PM GMT
    Blake - Time really is a great healer. Your mama is at about 120 mph right now with her emotions. Every month it will get better. You will be amazed how different things will be a year from now.

    Stay strong.
  • ursa_minor

    Posts: 566

    Jul 08, 2009 6:30 PM GMT
    Hey Blake,

    I can´t say much to give you any comfort (as I am too scared to be in your position now). I admire your courage and hope that you keep that strength within you.

    Treat yourself to something nice today and be in the company of friends.

    A pat on your back from all of us here.
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    Jul 08, 2009 6:36 PM GMT
    Hang in there Blake. The important thing is that she still loves you and you are welcome at home. She is in shock right now and will take to adjust. If she never heals from this, it's her choice. I am not trying to be hateful about it. She can choose to be happy, just as you can choose to be happy by coming out. You can only control how you feel, no matter how much you love someone and want them to feel better. Give it time. Hang it there.
    All the best.



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    Jul 08, 2009 6:37 PM GMT
    I'm sorry. Wish I could give you a hug.
  • pelotudo87

    Posts: 225

    Jul 08, 2009 6:39 PM GMT
    Hang in there--it sounds like your mom still loves you a lot, but is just in shock.
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    Jul 08, 2009 6:43 PM GMT
    Hang in there...you can't feel guilty for being true to who and what you are. You've done nothing wrong and your family must choose how they will deal with it.

    This website might be helpful to them...it talks about the journey of acceptance from the point of view of a family of a gay son and their struggles with his coming out.

    www.familyacceptance.com
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    Jul 08, 2009 6:46 PM GMT
    Hey Blake, my heart goes out to you.

    As the only gay son of a Conservative Christian Family I can most definitely tell you that I understand your tears and I know words cannot express/console your pain right now. Nothing makes sense and it all seems so unfair. "How did I even get to this point?" is probably what you are asking yourself right now. I know I asked myself that question. We spend so much time living in fear of coming out because we don't want to lose anyone...and when we cannot take anymore, we come out hoping and wishing they will still love/accept us, only to find our fears realized and the support not there. I do not know the specifics of what is included in the letter that she has taken the time to fill 11 pages with...but neither do you...so don't give up hope yet. You have known for a long time and cried and dealt with it- she is just finding out now. She needs time like you did. However, if you really read her email...it seems like it's more about her than you. It makes me think that there has been a lot in her life that you do not know anything about and that she has been keeping under wraps and/or dealing with some difficult things. She may be "coming out" to you about things in her past/present that have cemented her mind to think she is 1) going to hell and 2) HATES life!!!!. Those are both very big, strong and painful statements that could also just be stated out of shock and sorrow at the realization of this news. She keeps writing that she loves you and that you are welcome in her home. Please focus on that and don't succumb to despair.

    My mother and father took my coming out very hard. When I came out to my mom she hoped it was just a phase and cried for many nights. She even went to see a counselor because she couldn't deal with it. She order books and tapes on how to convert a child from gay to straight. It was almost as if her gay son was the final straw or the breaking point after many years of disappointment and hurt. Finally one day, she took her shoes off and threw them at the wall and broke down after claiming she failed as a mother. I died when I saw this. This was even after 6 months of her knowing and because I told her that I came out to a life-time friend the night before. That meant to her it was very very real....not a phase. She is NOT now and has NEVER been a dramatic woman. It took time.....a lot of time. And that time has passed....now 3 years....Nights where she sees me alone, quiet, real, in the background while everyone else is sitting with their partner and living/loving life...that's when she sees it's my problem/life/situation to deal with and not her's. Her initial anger with the situation, self-doubt of motherly-abilities became remorse of her initial reactions, sorrow for me, new sympathy and now....ultimately, support. Does she like or accept that fact that I am gay? Probably not, but she knows the truth, accepts the truth for what it is, loves me, lets me talk if I need to and accepts my homosexuality for what it is....nothing she has control over and nothing that has control over her. I am an adult man, not a child and that has helped her to understand and "let go" as she calls it. My father took it quietly, then he had a freak out one night and yelled at me in a drunken rage. Two weeks later he made a joke at a restaurant about "Ellen being a Degenerate" in front of me and other family members and then left me to walk home. He and I pretty much have zero relationship now.

    In sharing this, I hope you realize you are not alone, you are not the first and you are not the last to go through this. AND THROUGH THIS YOU WILL! In this tribulation you will truly find yourself (your strengths and weaknesses) more than at any other time in your life. You have told your world WHO you are! You have been HONEST with them! You didn't choose this and they will see that in time! (even those who choose to leave you will see that even if they will never admit it) Do not be afraid to learn how far you can go and to what extent you can stand. There are more of us that have had terrible coming outs than positive ones. (I've lost best-friends who told me I was disgusting and then I never heard from them ever again. I've even lost a job for being outed. But even in all that turmoil- IVE COME OUT STRONGER THAN I EVER KNEW I COULD BE!) There is a light at the end of this tunnel. You are not there yet and so you cannot see it. But if you stay where you are instead of moving forward you will never see that light. Keep moving forward. It may sound useless now but keep it in your mind. As the saying goes "this too shall pass!".

    Please let your mother know that you LOVE HER very much. She needs to hear it. Ask her about her health and if she is feeling physically ok. I am concerned when she says "this changes EVERYTHING for me the rest of my life whatever may be left". Again, this could just all be shock and sorrow, but listen to what she saying.

    I wish and hope all the best for you. If it can give you any hope at all, my mother now says she is "beyond proud of the good man I have grown into" and we are closer than ever. She says I am "courageous and honest" and that has made her be more honest with me. We really see one another now for who we are: good and bad! Please don't lose hope. If you ever feel like talking- message me. icon_smile.gif My heart, thoughts and prayers are with you and your mom.
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    Jul 08, 2009 6:53 PM GMT
    Do you have any understanding friends in San Antonio or Austin? Maybe you should take a little trip and get some perspective.
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    Jul 08, 2009 7:02 PM GMT
    RuggerATX saidDo you have any understanding friends in San Antonio or Austin? Maybe you should take a little trip and get some perspective.


    I'm moving to Dallas Monday. Have made emergency arrangements with friends there. Couldn't ask for better friends.

    To everybody else, thanks for the numerous messages and emails. You guys are my extended family and I need EVERY ONE OF YOU. Thanks again. Time are tough and I'm an emotional nightmare, but crying really helps me.
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    Jul 08, 2009 7:03 PM GMT
    My mother said very similar things when I came out to her. She asked me not to tell certain family members. She told me this was a big wound that would never heal. She said she would never be happy again. and so on.

    I have been out to them for ten years now. Now when I visit she is upset if I don't bring whomever I am dating. As your mother, she has dreams for how your life would be. This is a major change in those plans. She needs time to adjust her dreams for this new reality.

    From how you sounded when you first came out and how you sound now I highly recommend you call the Houston GLBT center at 713-524-3818. There are support groups just for people who have come out of the closet. Understanding that you are not alone and hearing how others have dealt with this is so very important for you right now.
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    Jul 08, 2009 8:05 PM GMT
    I just got an email from Dad...first time I've heard from him since coming clean. The email, which I won't share, echo's mom's pain....now I cry again....
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    Jul 08, 2009 8:14 PM GMT
    *hug*

    Just take things one day at a time; often that is the only way to get through tough situations like this.