Winging It Alone

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    Jul 09, 2009 6:17 AM GMT
    This may be a weird or different question, but try to see where I'm coming from and ignore what little I know. Do you guys think there are a decent amount of gay men who go out alone for fun, sex, and to meet new people (who are possibly also gay)? It's definitely not out of the ordinary to go out alone is it?

    I'm a young gay man who just graduated college, and I'm unhappy with my social and sometimes my love life. I am in an open relationship right now, but that's a different story. The few friends I have left don't find going to gay clubs/bars very appealing, so for the most part I'm stuck doing what they want to do or just hanging out at home. I'm tired of it though, and I'm thinking of just going out alone to gay clubs/bars to meet people. Not necessarily for sex, but if something comes along I'll make sure to be safe. I'll just be really nervous is all, considering I really want to go to stated places, but I didn't imagine I'd go alone =(.

    I come from a college mind-set, so you can imagine being self-conscious just because your usual buddies aren't nearby (because heaven forbid you go to a bar alone!) I'm just sick of being so bored with my life, friends, and sex-life. I've even considered Craigslist.
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    Jul 09, 2009 12:51 PM GMT
    Who said you need other people to have funicon_biggrin.gif. yeah its nice to have company or someone you know to go to places with. but if there is something I want to do I'll do it with or without someone else. Who knows, You might meet someone else that you have something in common with at a gay bar/club. The self-consciousness of being a "loner" will eventually go away. just dance for yourself and not for anyone else.
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    Jul 09, 2009 1:28 PM GMT
    thisguy2 saidDo you guys think there are a decent amount of gay men who go out alone for fun, sex, and to meet new people (who are possibly also gay)? It's definitely not out of the ordinary to go out alone is it?

    Well I certainly did it a great deal, before I found a partner. Sometimes I'd go to gay nightspots with a gay friend, sometimes with a guy with whom I was a bit more serious, but lots of times all alone. I loved it!

    And for a while, 1996 to 2002, when I'd be traveling solo, I'd have checked out all the gay places along the way and at my destination before I left home. Places I'd never been before, in cities I'd never visited, and just go in alone and have a great time. And take guys to bed, or just enjoy their company over drinks. I used to tell friends I was the proverbial kid in the candy store, it was so great, men for the choosing everywhere.

    But I have friends who hate to go alone, because it becomes a test, that if they don't leave with a guy, they've failed. One used to tell me: "I go there all hyped-up, and leave depressed. I'd rather stay home than make myself feel worse when I leave all by myself."

    I never had that problem. I'd go to the gay clubs with limited goals: meet friends and make friends, have some drinks, listen to the club music, maybe dance a little, socialize. If I did that, my goals were met and I went home happy & content.

    If something more happened, well great, that was the bonus. But I never made hooking-up my goal. Because you can spot the guys who go there for the action only, looking a little tense & anxious, and increasingly glum as the night goes on and nothing happens. Whereas I'm smiling the whole time, having a wonderful time & happy, because the goals I set for myself are being met.

    And who do you think the other guys hit on? Mr. Glum or Mr. Happy? It may not have been my goal, but damned if I didn't go home with someone most times anyway. And I didn't have to do anything, they came to me.

    There is an art to attending a gay club as a single. Sometimes I think I should write a book. LOL!
  • cdnclub

    Posts: 79

    Jul 09, 2009 2:56 PM GMT
    A number of years ago I was in a similar situation as you find yourself in now. I had a large group of the same friends for many years. For the last few years I hadn't been enjoying myself with them and I realised that our interests had changed. I decided that I had to distance myself from them and look for friends with similar interests. It was really hard, and I ended up doing alot of things, like travel and going to clubs alone. It was the best thing I ever did. Now I am independant. I go where I want and do what I want either with my few perfectly suited to me new friends or alone. This is comming from a guy who couldn't eat in a restaraunt or go to a movie alone before. I just got back from 6 wks in the Middle East, a place I always wanted to see, and I did it alone. There is nothing wrong with enjoying your own company, and if nothing else being able to do it alone alows you more options to expand your horizons in life.
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    Jul 09, 2009 3:40 PM GMT
    DO IT!!! Go out! Have fun, meet other types of people! Just 'cause you're attached doesn't mean that you have to have the same friends! You HAVE to have your own life as well!!!

    And at the end of the day, when you look at yourself in the mirror, you have to answer to you! You have to like you! You have to like where you're at and with whom you're doing it with, no one else to answer to but YOU!
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    Jul 09, 2009 7:46 PM GMT
    Some of the best conversations with people happened when I went to a gay bar/club alone. I think the fact that you are alone makes us seem more approachable. When you are with friends or in a group, people's impressions may be that you are occupied with your friends.
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    Jul 09, 2009 8:17 PM GMT
    Don't just go to bars and clubs alone. Join queer groups: book clubs, political groups, cycling, whatever. It is all about networking and putting yourself out there. If anything, it will improve your ability to go it alone.
  • bchbum

    Posts: 161

    Jul 09, 2009 9:18 PM GMT
    Good luck man. If you are an outgoing person things should be fine. If you are like me and on the shy side, its going to be very difficult. If I go out by myself I tend to get very introverted.
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    Jul 09, 2009 9:23 PM GMT
    Hell, I do it all the time. Also, no hang ups about splitting up with someone you came with or similiar drama. Just go out have fun.
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    Jul 23, 2009 6:52 AM GMT
    Thanks for the support/advice everyone. I think I'm gonna go for it.
  • Sayrnas

    Posts: 847

    Jul 23, 2009 7:39 AM GMT
    If its any consolation, I started going out again, and by myself, and i still had a blast. Managed to find the only straight and taken guy in there and totally hit on him...I still feel like an idiot but hey! I'm havin' fun and that's all that matters. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jul 23, 2009 8:03 AM GMT
    I do things by myself quite often, like going to see a movie, going out for breakfast, etc etc.

    If you want to go to gay clubs and don't want to go alone, why not try and make friends with other gay guys? I did that when I first came out. Went online, made friends, and they were the friends I went clubbing with. It was a superficial friendship, but somewhat rewarding at the same time.