Taking Social Rejection too Personally? -- Dealing with Rejection and Considering Self-Value

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 10, 2009 5:58 AM GMT
    I was roaming around Asylum.com, and found this article called "8 Women-Approved Tips from Pick-Up Artist Boot Camp".

    Point #4 stood out. (The quote is edited for gayness).

    Taken from the article "8 Women-Approved Tips from Pick-Up Artist Boot Camp"4. Rejection isn't Personal
    You would never let a stranger convince you that you're bad at your job, would you? So why let the same stranger make you feel unattractive or unlikable? Maybe he's having a bad night and wants to be left alone, maybe he has a boyfriend or maybe he's just not interested in you. But whatever the case, he doesn't know you and his rejection isn't an indicator of your value.
    In the past, there have been times I've let the stings and streaks of rejection get to me. Sometimes it's hard not to let it get to you. However, when presented the way the author did, it's definitely a mentality to adopt.

    Some questions it brought to mind:

    -- What do you do when you're faced with rejection (in general)?
    -- What would you say to the sensitive person that takes any type or criticism too personally and too harshly?
    -- Is a person being bad at their job equatable to being unattractive or unlikable?
    -- Is it completely wrong to ignore the criticism of a stranger you approach or find attractive?
    -- When you are faced with a constant stream of rejection and it seems like everyone try to interact with makes you feel unattractive or unlikable, how do you hold fast to a mentality like that? Especially when most people have a mentality of "majority rules"?
    -- How would you explain to a friend of yours that is used to putting themselves down that reasons like "Maybe he has a boyfriend" or "Maybe he's having a bad night" is not naively rationalizing in the face of failure but acknowledging genuine reasons for rejection?
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    Jul 10, 2009 6:11 AM GMT
    blind2limits said-- What do you do when you're faced with rejection (in general)?
    I have a quick look at the situation, see if I can't learn something from it and then shrug and forget about it

    blind2limits said-- What would you say to the sensitive person that takes any type or criticism too personally and too harshly?
    as wonderful as it would be to be accepted and loved by everyone, do they love and accept everyone..

    blind2limits said-- Is a person being bad at their job equatable to being unattractive or unlikable?
    depends on the job and why/how they are bad at it..

    blind2limits said-- Is it completely wrong to ignore the criticism of a stranger you approach or find attractive?
    no, it's not

    blind2limits said-- When you are faced with a constant stream of rejection and it seems like everyone try to interact with makes you feel unattractive or unlikable, how do you hold fast to a mentality like that? Especially when most people have a mentality of "majority rules"?
    once you have been rejected by more then 50% of the population you might need to worry.

    I know I drive people completely bonkers, I know I drive others to really like me.. I do know that on the whole.. more people dislike me then like me, I'm confident, cocky, strong and I don't play bullshit and I don't tolerate it from others, I'm forward, I can be incredibly scary and overbearing and incredibly protective.

    I get rejected by lots of people, lots of the time.. get over it..

    blind2limits said-- How do you explain to someone that considering reasons like "Maybe he has a boyfriend" or "Maybe he's having a bad night" is not naively rationalizing in the face of failure but acknowledging genuine reasons for rejection?
    you don't, who gives a shit what someone else thinks about your rejection, if you get rejected and someone wants to know why you aint upset about it tell'em you got better things to do..

    Bugga that mate, life is for living, enjoy it you've no other chance..
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    Jul 10, 2009 6:40 AM GMT
    blind2limits said
    lilTanker said
    blind2limits said-- How do you explain to someone that considering reasons like "Maybe he has a boyfriend" or "Maybe he's having a bad night" is not naively rationalizing in the face of failure but acknowledging genuine reasons for rejection?
    you don't, who gives a shit what someone else thinks about your rejection, if you get rejected and someone wants to know why you aint upset about it tell'em you got better things to do.. Bugga that mate, life is for living, enjoy it you've no other chance..
    I think I need to re-write that question a little clearer, lol. I didn't mean that you're explaining your reasoning to someone else, but trying to help a friend see the error of their thoughts.


    AAAAH.. hmmm not totally sure, when I've been out with mates and they've gone after a women and been rejected it's not something we sit around and talk about, he got rejected, we have a laugh at him and help him find the next victim.. we don't have a round table discussion about it.
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    Jul 10, 2009 6:45 AM GMT
    lilTanker saidAAAAH.. hmmm not totally sure, when I've been out with mates and they've gone after a women and been rejected it's not something we sit around and talk about, he got rejected, we have a laugh at him and help him find the next victim.. we don't have a round table discussion about it.


    See, that's the kinda environment everybody needs to be in, the kind that doesn't leave room for negative thought, and encourages people to keep moving on with life.
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    Jul 10, 2009 7:10 AM GMT
    1. What do you do when you're faced with rejection (in general)?
    A Rejection can bite sometimes and it depends on the way the message of rejection comes. If it is intentional, that can set me off. But really, if I approach someone and they aren't interested, so be it. There was a time when I did take it personally, but I am finally at a place where I like who am and understand I am not everyone's cup of tea.

    2. What would you say to the sensitive person that takes any type of criticism too personally and too harshly?
    A Sometimes, it will hurt depending on where you are in life. Other times, it just bounces off. Take it in, figure out what applies and move along. Self-pity is not something that one should bask in.

    3. Is a person being bad at their job equatable to being unattractive or unlikable?
    A Absolutely not. I don't see how doing a bad job equals a person's position on the scale of attractiveness.

    4. Is it completely wrong to ignore the criticism of a stranger you approach or find attractive?
    A Depends. It could be the approach itself that puts someone off. You get only one chance at a first impression. And you would eventually have to look at the common denominator of all the rejections. There is always something that is being overlooked it that case.

    5. When you are faced with a constant stream of rejection and it seems like everyone (you) try to interact with makes you feel unattractive or unlikable, how do you hold fast to a mentality like that? Especially when most people have a mentality of "majority rules"?
    A Once upon a time, I believed I wasn't good enough and spent time trying to be good enough. Of course, I realized how exhausting that is and who was actually in control and it wasn't me. My self-worth comes from me, no where else. If I can't respect myself, know who I am at my core and walk to the beat of my own drum, there would be no way, I could defend against the situation you present. No one could and still see themselves as what we call "normal".

    6. How do you explain to someone that considering reasons like "Maybe he has a boyfriend" or "Maybe he's having a bad night" is not naively rationalizing in the face of failure but acknowledging genuine reasons for rejection?
    A First, looking at rejection as a failure is self defeating. It serves no purpose in that manner. Whatever a reason a guy has for not being interest in someone can never really be known unless the rejector says it. If he doesn't, what is the point of speculating? A lot of the time, it really is what it is-just not into you and is that really so bad in the scheme of things?. No, not really.

    And for the record, Liltanker, I seriously crush on you all the time. Especially when you talk about how big your ass is getting or snicker when scratching your hairy chest. Am getting moist just typing this. icon_redface.gif
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    Jul 10, 2009 7:18 AM GMT
    ErikTaurean saidAnd for the record, Liltanker, I seriously crush on you all the time. Especially when you talk about how big your ass is getting or snicker when scratching your hairy chest. Am getting moist just typing this. icon_redface.gif
    Oh you dirty beast icon_biggrin.gif hahaha icon_redface.gificon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gif
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    Jul 10, 2009 4:35 PM GMT
    ErikTaurean saidFirst, looking at rejection as a failure is self defeating. It serves no purpose in that manner. Whatever a reason a guy has for not being interest in someone can never really be known unless the rejector says it. If he doesn't, what is the point of speculating? A lot of the time, it really is what it is-just not into you and is that really so bad in the scheme of things?. No, not really.


    The hardest part is to stop being so self-defeating. Once you get past that, everything does fall into place.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jul 10, 2009 4:45 PM GMT
    -- What do you do when you're faced with rejection (in general)?

    If it's really something I want?
    I figure out another way to get it .... or I convince myself that it wasn't really that important anyway


    -- What would you say to the sensitive person that takes any type or criticism too personally and too harshly?

    I probably wouldn't criticize someone I know who couldn't handle it
    But if I had to I work cut to the chase and also show where there needs to be room for impovement


    -- Is a person being bad at their job equatable to being unattractive or unlikable?

    No, those are two different things entirely

    -- Is it completely wrong to ignore the criticism of a stranger you approach or find attractive?

    Depends if the criticism is true or not
    Doesn't matter where it comes from


    -- When faced with a constant stream of rejection do you cope?

    If that were the case? I'd probably take a good look at what they were saying
    and if they were all saying the same thing? I hope I'd listen


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    Jul 10, 2009 5:04 PM GMT
    -- What do you do when you're faced with rejection (in general)?

    Despair. Avoid a similar situation.

    -- What would you say to the sensitive person that takes any type or criticism too personally and too harshly?


    Don't say anything.

    -- Is a person being bad at their job equatable to being unattractive or unlikable?

    No. Apples and oranges.

    -- Is it completely wrong to ignore the criticism of a stranger you approach or find attractive?


    No. But neither is it ignorable.

    -- When you are faced with a constant stream of rejection and it seems like everyone try to interact with makes you feel unattractive or unlikable, how do you hold fast to a mentality like that? Especially when most people have a mentality of "majority rules"?


    Despair. LOL. Try and not set high goals, If I set any at all. Move on and try to find happiness in little things. Other things. Like cookies and global domination.

    -- How would you explain to a friend of yours that is used to putting themselves down that reasons like "Maybe he has a boyfriend" or "Maybe he's having a bad night" is not naively rationalizing in the face of failure but acknowledging genuine reasons for rejection?

    Nothing. Just hope he comes to terms with it on his own. By repeating the real reason for rejection, I'm only reinforcing the rejection. And it will be doubly painful.
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    Jul 10, 2009 5:50 PM GMT

    <======blind to rejection.

    I couldn't care less what you think - Beyonce.

    I think definitely love, friendship, and acceptance from first oneself and then from very carefully selected friends are the keys to acceptance.

    Friends act as a surrogate for complete societal acceptance.
    There is no way to know if societal acceptance isn't wrapped in pretense or shallow. However, love and togetherness from friends is easy to identify as genuine, definitely due to the sheer reduction in number, and can endow a security and power that is incredible. I admit that friendship can be tenuous, but friends help build up an inner acceptance and security, which endures. I'm at the point now where the warmth and unity I've felt in the past from friends is enough to sustain me since I've become quite the recluse in my post grad years. This is why friends past and present are equally special.

    ..........................................

  • dannyboy1101

    Posts: 977

    Jul 10, 2009 6:21 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]

    -- What do you do when you're faced with rejection (in general)?Go home with Jack Daniels.

    -- What would you say to the sensitive person that takes any type or criticism too personally and too harshly? Nothing. You're only digging a deeper hole.

    -- Is a person being bad at their job equatable to being unattractive or unlikable? No. We pick our careers, but we can't pick our genetics or the physical tastes of a generation to which we belong. If you're bad at your job, ask for help or it's time for a change. In society, though, you can't escape the media tastes unless you go to a third world country.

    -- Is it completely wrong to ignore the criticism of a stranger you approach or find attractive? You can say what you want and trust me, you can hear what you want.

    -- When you are faced with a constant stream of rejection and it seems like everyone try to interact with makes you feel unattractive or unlikable, how do you hold fast to a mentality like that? Especially when most people have a mentality of "majority rules"? That's why one can't rely upon others to validate oneself. There's always going to be an asshole or a bigger, stronger, whatever-er guy than you. Some criticize, but you are the judge in the end. Sentence appropriately.

    -- How would you explain to a friend of yours that is used to putting themselves down that reasons like "Maybe he has a boyfriend" or "Maybe he's having a bad night" is not naively rationalizing in the face of failure but acknowledging genuine reasons for rejection?[/quote] Well, just say those things. I reiterate, one will hear what he chooses to hear. One will also choose to or not to jump to conclusions regardless of what more pleasant excuses provided by a bud.
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    Jul 10, 2009 6:34 PM GMT
    -- What do you do when you're faced with rejection (in general)?
    I avoid exposing myself to such things.
    -- What would you say to the sensitive person that takes any type or criticism too personally and too harshly?
    I'd say:"You take any type or criticism too personally and too harshly."
    -- Is a person being bad at their job equatable to being unattractive or unlikable?
    I know people who suck at their job and they think they're the best employee in the world.
    -- Is it completely wrong to ignore the criticism of a stranger you approach or find attractive?
    Not COMPLETELY! Just mostly.
    -- When you are faced with a constant stream of rejection and it seems like everyone try to interact with makes you feel unattractive or unlikable, how do you hold fast to a mentality like that? Especially when most people have a mentality of "majority rules"?
    Accept it or change it. Otherwise you'll be miserable for the rest of your life.
    -- How would you explain to a friend of yours that is used to putting themselves down that reasons like "Maybe he has a boyfriend" or "Maybe he's having a bad night" is not naively rationalizing in the face of failure but acknowledging genuine reasons for rejection?
    See the previous answers.
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    Jul 10, 2009 7:21 PM GMT
    GuiltyGear said
    <======blind to rejection.

    I couldn't care less what you think - Beyonce.

    I think definitely love, friendship, and acceptance from first oneself and then from very carefully selected friends are the keys to acceptance.

    Friends act as a surrogate for complete societal acceptance.
    There is no way to know if societal acceptance isn't wrapped in pretense or shallow. However, love and togetherness from friends is easy to identify as genuine, definitely due to the sheer reduction in number, and can endow a security and power that is incredible. I admit that friendship can be tenuous, but friends help build up an inner acceptance and security, which endures. I'm at the point now where the warmth and unity I've felt in the past from friends is enough to sustain me since I've become quite the recluse in my post grad years. This is why friends past and present are equally special.



    Well said. Reason to nurture friendships. Everybody needs a support network, especially for situations like this.

    I think it's important to learn from rejection. If you want to be competitive at singing you would try to find out why some people don't like your singing. But look at it from a statistical perspective, not a personal one. Don't put too much weight on any one case of rejection. Believe me, even if 100 people reject you now, there are 10s of thousands of people in the future who could think you're great. You haven't lived long enough yet.
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    Jul 10, 2009 10:11 PM GMT
    jprichva said
    lilTanker said I do know that on the whole.. more people dislike me then like me, I'm confident, cocky, strong and I don't play bullshit and I don't tolerate it from others, I'm forward, I can be incredibly scary and overbearing and incredibly protective.

    I find it hard to imagine that more people dislike than like you. Most of RJ wants to fuck you.

    and I them hahaha
    But seriously, RJ only gets to see me in a small part, they've never seen me get protective over a mate and turn ugly and vicious.. they've never gotten to see me snap at another person who is pushing my buttons..
    admittedly they've never seen me around mates having fun either or how I respond when someone around me is hurting..

    But guys on RJ only get to see a small part of me.. I'm a lot worse in person hahaha
  • Rookz

    Posts: 947

    Jul 10, 2009 10:22 PM GMT
    How I deal with rejection?

    I of course have that moment of self-worth that's been bruised, my ego crushed from the failed outcome. Then, I tell myself,

    Fuck 'em.

    I move on with my life and not dwell too long on the negative. There's other opportunities out there which people will accept you due to multiple reasons of attraction. Your looks, a handsome smile, personality and other traits attract people to you. I know there's other like minded people out there who I'd rather be with than isolate myself in the island of poor me.

    Life is such a grand scene that I don't want to be stuck in one scenario when there's other wonderful experiences out there. Plus, if you see the person who rejected you crossing the street as your driving, just press hard on the gas.icon_twisted.gif
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    Jul 10, 2009 11:44 PM GMT
    It really depends on the context and who it is. If it's a guy I've asked out in real life and he rejects, then I take it hard. First 24 hours are tough but then I get over it (eventually, haha). If it's online, then I take it with a grain of salt.

    Overall, I just tend not to put myself into situations where rejection will occur. If I do, and it happens, well, what doesn't kill you etc blah yada
  • styrgan

    Posts: 2017

    Jul 11, 2009 12:10 AM GMT
    blind2limits said

    Some questions it brought to mind:

    -- When you are faced with a constant stream of rejection and it seems like everyone try to interact with makes you feel unattractive or unlikable, how do you hold fast to a mentality like that? Especially when most people have a mentality of "majority rules"?
    -- How would you explain to a friend of yours that is used to putting themselves down that reasons like "Maybe he has a boyfriend" or "Maybe he's having a bad night" is not naively rationalizing in the face of failure but acknowledging genuine reasons for rejection?


    Generally, rejection doesn't really faze me - especially if its by someone I don't know. I think having a thick head to that kind of stuff is a result of a healthy amount of self-confidence, as well as a disinterest in the affairs of others.

    You cannot convince someone with low self-confidence of anything. They have to do the grunt work. Have them set and accomplish a new goal. Tell them to follow that time-tested Jung strategy of looking at themselves everyday in the mirror and tell themselves that they're beautiful.

    By the way, the idea of "majority rules" is ridiculous when it's applied to flirting with other guys at bars and clubs. The majority of us are not attracted to 50 percent or more of other gay men, and there's no reason to expect the majority of men to be attracted to us.

    ...except of course if your RJ handle is dancerjack.
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    Jul 11, 2009 8:23 PM GMT
    styrgan said
    blind2limits said
    Generally, rejection doesn't really faze me - especially if its by someone I don't know. I think having a thick head to that kind of stuff is a result of a healthy amount of self-confidence, as well as a disinterest in the affairs of others


    The operative phases there being healthy self-confidence. There's alot of guys out there that are just plain cocky and arrogant. I know of people who have gone from shy and self defeating to super social, arrogant, and annoying. How could people safe guard against becoming a social annoyance?
  • UFJocknerd

    Posts: 392

    Jul 11, 2009 8:37 PM GMT
    blind2limits said
    -- What do you do when you're faced with rejection (in general)?


    51RH9eGDHQL._SL500_AA240_.jpg
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    Jul 11, 2009 8:52 PM GMT
    UFJocknerd said
    blind2limits said
    -- What do you do when you're faced with rejection (in general)?


    51RH9eGDHQL._SL500_AA240_.jpg


    You're KIDDING lol HAHAHAHA
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    Jul 11, 2009 8:52 PM GMT
    I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinion of himself than on the opinion of others.
    - Marcus Aurelius

    Why do we allow others - all of whom hold themselves in question -
    To define who we are by their approval?

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    Jul 11, 2009 9:17 PM GMT
    You guys aren't talking about me are you?


    ROFL.
  • UFJocknerd

    Posts: 392

    Jul 11, 2009 9:19 PM GMT
    blind2limits said
    UFJocknerd said
    blind2limits said
    -- What do you do when you're faced with rejection (in general)?


    51RH9eGDHQL._SL500_AA240_.jpg


    You're KIDDING lol HAHAHAHA


    Why would I be kidding? Great book.
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    Dec 27, 2010 5:49 PM GMT
    SineOfChange said
    lilTanker saidAAAAH.. hmmm not totally sure, when I've been out with mates and they've gone after a women and been rejected it's not something we sit around and talk about, he got rejected, we have a laugh at him and help him find the next victim.. we don't have a round table discussion about it.


    See, that's the kinda environment everybody needs to be in, the kind that doesn't leave room for negative thought, and encourages people to keep moving on with life.


    I completely agree being around people who can help you move on is the best thing.

    Just recently I have had to deal with being so wound up about being constanly rejected and really did a lot of self analysis. What I discovered that more often than not I got upset by being rejected from people who I didn't really like that much at all (and I'm not saying this after the fact) and with the people who I did respect and like I wasn't offended if they rejected me and moved on and still had the same respect for them.

    What I realised was that I was going for people I didn't like because I felt they were lower than me, therefore there the probability I would pick up would be higher. This showed me that I was a predjudice arrogant jerk and made me think about my intentions, which has now led to a complete turn in the way I approach people.


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    Dec 27, 2010 11:33 PM GMT
    Plenty of people will accept you, plenty will reject you.

    Spend your time with those who accept you.

    Write off the rest.