Give me a reality check... i need it, and tell it like it is lol

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 13, 2009 3:36 AM GMT
    Ok guys,

    Just to start out… I don’t like myself for posting this… but I need some advice. I hate that I am gunna sound a like an ignorant, clueless, dramatic bitch…. But I need feedback and brutal fucking honesty from outside sources…

    I am dating a guy… who has some baggage, he is very needy, moody, testy, dramatic and a bit over the top with tantrums sometimes. He is 21 (soon to be) and I just turned 25. Totally the opposite of any type of guy I have dated, and I would have gotten on my friends case for dating in the past. But for whatever reason I feel for him and care deeply for him.

    He recently got booted out of his UC School for poor academics, does not have a job, parents give him 80 bucks a week and pay for gas, and he lives in his grandparents’ old lake house… AKA “spoiled brat”. He only gets eager to find a job when his parents threaten to cut him off. He also is starting to go to AA meetings for alcohol and abusing prescription drugs and mixing with booze… I know, I know… let me have it!

    I graduated from SDSU a little under 2 years ago, I am working hard to make something of myself, I love my bf but things get rough at times.. No relationship is perfect. We recently celebrated an anniversary this weekend I spent all Friday/Saturday with him… went to a nice dinner, movies, did some shopping, lunch etc. I wanted him to feel special… Well, when I left to go home on Saturday night… I told him I was going out to dinner with some old friends… he seemed fine with it. He called me at the restaurant on my cell… I picked up. I spoke to him a bit… I could tell he was annoyed/jealous/bitchy… so I cut it short. After dinner we all went to a bar… he text me and asked if I was still awake… I told him I was at a bar… a straight bar (totally the truth) and he was more annoyed (one word sarcastic text etc). He then tells me he is at a party… I let him know I am glad he is out having fun and to be safe which seemed to make him more annoyed.

    This morning I got a text from him saying good morning… I call him up and he is still over at the house where the party was and he is doing the whole “answer the call but laugh, joke and talk to everyone in the room but not the person who called me stuff”, so I tell him to call me later when he can talk. He says ok… we text through out the day. The for a few hours nothing… he then sends a text saying he hasn’t heard from me all day… a few min later he sends one that says he is going to bed good night. I call him up and he is wide awake, music blaring and he has friends over… so I feel a little manipulated. I ask him if he was annoyed that I was out… he said “no, it’s ok I guess if you want to spend your time at a BAR”…wtf??? He then tells me he was out partying till 5 am… news to me… so I feel its ok for him to go balls to the wall and have a good time… but not me?? I feel like I am getting pissed… so I don’t say much… I am not mad he was out till 5am… I am just mad he felt entitled to be annoyed with me for what I do… but when it comes to him the rules don’t apply.

    Recently he got into it with his folks and blew up at me out of anger and broke up with me… he than later apologized profusely and begged me to take him back… which I did.

    In my heart, I love him… I want him to be successful and happy and healthy. But my mind is telling me he is not the guy for me at least not at this stage in my or his life… but I can’t seem to let myself be without him. I want to work with him and make this relationship and his issues better. I want a future with him… but my mind is saying this is not the guy for me… my heart… totally different story. I also don’t like the idea of being alone… I have never been in this situation/type of relationship before… I am usually pretty level headed and cut to the chase… but this kid has a different effect on me.

    Help me out… sorry this is a long one!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 13, 2009 4:02 AM GMT
    well, at one point you calling out how big of a dick he is.. and I'd agree he is a freaking prick and I"d have nothing to do with him..

    then, you say

    "I want to work with him and make this relationship and his issues better"

    and

    "I also don’t like the idea of being alone"

    You aren't his savior.. and being alone is far better then being with a dick head like that..

    so, you can either be another persons door mat or you can go be happy
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 13, 2009 5:27 AM GMT
    Dump him. Sounds like he needs to grow up. And this is something he needs to do on his own. You can't nurture him. Just let him get it out of his system. Maybe he'll meet someone else with an identical personality and they can be miserable together.

    You got your degree, you're working, and you have goals. Maybe it's time to find someone that has a similar mentality.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 13, 2009 5:58 AM GMT
    Well everyone carries baggage!! some loosely and others very neat or tightly!!
    you sound like a really nice and compassionate guy who wants to help someone you love in distress!


    I recently was in the same situation you are in with your boyfriend. My BF was going through some emotional issues from a previous abusive relationship! I gave him space and time to deal with it, and he got better!! good luck!!



    ♥ Leandro ♥
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 13, 2009 2:21 PM GMT
    When I first started typing this reply, I was going to give you the whole speal about how you two are in different places in your lives and how you should probably break up.

    But when I think back on it, my Bf met me during such a rocky point in my life. One of the reasons why it took so long for us to actually officially start dating.

    I was recently out of jail, a drop out wrongly accused felon who couldn't find a job. So I was in an apartment with a female best friend who started acting weird towards me out of jealousy and because after my money ran out I couldn't help with bills. and even worste an ex and I had just broken up and I was very bitter about Bi guys because of it.

    I was still very childish, posessive, wanted the world and him to revolve around me without being obligated to give anything back in return. And sometimes I would just explode at him because I knew he would let me, because it was what i had been doing my whole life.

    Though I was too poor growing up to ever have been spoiled.

    But When I think back on the patience that my boyfriend had with me back then, to actually listen to me cry about why ex would want a women over me, or why I couldn't find or job, or why it seemed like I was loosing all my friends

    Yes I was a teenager so don't judge lol.

    I think he truly did bring a lot of solace to my life and along with the stability that I have provided for myself, and that now we have created together, we live in almost perfect bliss. Its crazy how perfect we are for each other.

    My boyfriend was always about open communication and really opened me up to expressing how I feel rather than exploding. Maybe the same can help for bf. Tell him you need him to be open with you. To not hide his feelings and express them through subtle rebellion like a child. Maybe it'll be helpful.

    I will admit however that me and my bf did have very similar goals and being kind of in the same spot at the same time helped emmensely. Maybe you and your bf are truly in two different places right now.

    But Either way good luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 13, 2009 2:27 PM GMT
    Honestly you can't really complain man. You know everything thats wrong and know how to solve the problem but you don't have the balls to do it. Stop bitching and do something about it or learn to be miserable with him.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jul 13, 2009 2:33 PM GMT
    Umm .... ya kinda spelled it out really good there

    Your BF's an ass
    You stay with him and expect More-O-The-Same
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Jul 13, 2009 2:38 PM GMT
    So your guy was booted from college, is spoiled, an alcoholic, jealous of you, a hypocrite, and a manipulating s.o.b. without a job or his own money who just loves drama? And you're seriously asking what to do? Look, doesn't matter how much you like the guy, you should love yourself even more, and realize that being with someone like that is gonna break you. If he wants to throw his life away that's his choice; if you let him take you down too that's yours.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 13, 2009 2:39 PM GMT



    Hey RavenFire, It's my feeling that you can't make someone care about themselves. Sometimes they have to hit bottom in order to start an ascent.

    There is a line between caregiving and enabling. If he breaks up with you, take it as it is, you can make him take his own words as they are and let him go. Getting cajoled back into your caregiving role isn't helpful to you or him. He needs to know that his words mean something, and are not instantly retractable. It can feel awful to be another's learning experience, but sometimes necessary.

    There are others out there with reciprocal love. You can't discover this with an albatross on you. He needs to be on his own romantically to sort out his stuff.

    -Doug of meninlove
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 13, 2009 2:41 PM GMT
    Dump the mother fucker.

    You are trying to make something of yourself, you said. The one thing you don't need is a manipulative sponge. He can't do college, that is fine. But he isn't getting a job and is living off other people. He is in AA for treatment of a problem, great. But he is also partying a few nights a week? The icing on the cake is how he manipulates you and makes you feel bad for spending time with anyone other than him.

    What an immature ass. Dump him and find someone a little more well adjusted, such as yourself.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 13, 2009 2:46 PM GMT
    I think what it comes down to is that you are both young, you seem to have goals and direction, he seems to be looking for something you can't give him. I think it's inner peace. Remember, you can only influence others - you can't change them or control them (unless they are on a leash... lol).

    Seriously, unless you are willing to commit to this long term because you see something more in him than he can see - I would say back away slowly. Honestly, he sounds like he needs AA/NA and some therapy.

    I know you care, and I think you really want to help him. Listen and advise, if you really want to be there for him - go to a meeting with him to be supportive and understand that he may need more than you can give.

    Good luck to you and to him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 13, 2009 3:02 PM GMT
    thanks guys, this is all excellent feed back. It helps a lot to see what others have to say... even if you guys are only getting 'my side' of it all. I woke up tense and stressed out...

    he left a 'lovey dovey' two page text on my phone about he will always be with me and loves me. But i know what i gotta do. Some of you guys put things into a nice phrase... so i may have to use your words when i talk to him, hope you don't mind!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 13, 2009 3:09 PM GMT
    your 25 and hes 21.......jobless....as far as i can tell uneducated as he got kicked out.......have no future prospect to take care of himself.....very delusional and loves to twist things around to make you feel guilty when you have done nothing wrong........and your with him why?????
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 13, 2009 3:15 PM GMT
    Well, ah, you still love him. And when you split with him, he's going to cry and make those eyes at you (the ones he makes at his parents when he's broke). Just splitting up with him isn't going to cut it.

    So, short of driving him out to the woods and leaving him under a tree, you'll have to have a plan for YOUR response when he tries to weasel you back...something I'm guessing you aren't prepared to do.

    And you leaving him is going to make him try harder to get you back. Essentially, you need to set him up with a new daddy (preferably someone you don't like too much); he knows that you, just like his parents, will swoop in and help him out when times are tough. Make him someone else's problem and you can be rid of him. It'll be ten years before he even tries to change, and you don't want to waste so much time with such a short life.

    This will take some time, so don't rush it. In the meantime, begin your own healing process and prepare yourself emotionally for the break.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Jul 13, 2009 3:24 PM GMT
    Give him two options: get his act together or get lost.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 13, 2009 3:29 PM GMT
    You are too young to be a mother hen. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you should date them .. maybe you are mistaking pity and sympathy for love! Maybe you should get together with the guy in L.A. that can't find love in the "Gay World" icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 13, 2009 3:31 PM GMT
    ravenfire, you're smart and you already know what to do.
    he's not gonna change and it's not good for you to be a full time enabler. look: if he's forced to figure out life and deal with reality on his own, he may emerge a better person and you may meet again... like when you're both over 30. icon_smile.gif
    until then, enjoy life and have fun with better people. good luck.icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 13, 2009 4:12 PM GMT
    "But for whatever reason I feel for him and care deeply for him"
    NO NO NO...you are in DENIAL of you feelings-- there is definitely a reason!
    You're are Co-dependent

    What happened to you that you "for whatever reason" feel like you need to care for someone needy, erratic, and addicted? Hint: Not your responsibility!

    Why do you become and/or feel like a hero when he is broken and comes running into your arms? Hint 2: Explore why you feel that way. The feeling you should have is disgust, but for "whatever reason" you seem to feel like a savior, like you can feel deeply with this person. Is it that his emotional roller coaster is something that actually makes you feel anything at all? Again, explore that, otherwise you will continue to seek out broken winged birds and people "that stir you" until you understand why you seek them out.

    Co-dependents are enablers to addicts; the two often (always) find each other. The addict cannot control themselves and seek out sensations that cover up a hole in their emotions and the role of enabler is to feel better about helping the downtrodden.
    Sometimes the extremity of the road the addict takes is the only way in which the co-dependent can demonstrate emotions--in extremity.

    The unfortunate thing is that the two together only make things worse for each other's weaknesses. The truth is you DESERVE someone that does not stir up this kind of drama in your life and take so much away from you, but ...I don't know...maybe that is the only way that you can feel anything?

    Don't confuse deplorable conditions, pain, agony, fear, with nor justify these feelings as "caring deeply."

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 13, 2009 4:16 PM GMT
    Chizzad saidHonestly you can't really complain man. You know everything thats wrong and know how to solve the problem but you don't have the balls to do it. Stop bitching and do something about it or learn to be miserable with him.


    ^ditto^

  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Jul 13, 2009 4:27 PM GMT
    NEWSFLASH! You're a needy guy as well. I think the only reason why you haven't left him is because you haven't put someone else on the back burner and be able to escape to.

    Your brain is rational and your heart is irrational. Go with what your brain is telling you. You can't possibly have anything emotionally invested in this guy who acts the way he does. You only have emotional investments in the idea of being in a relationship. That's the irrationability of your heart.

    You should break it off and go on a personal retreat in order to find strength in independence.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 13, 2009 4:28 PM GMT
    This guy isn't capable of loving you in any real way. You're just a mirror/launching pad/spring board for his endless insecurities, gaping needs and compulsive behaviors. He has no intention or capacity for emotional honesty. And, speaking truthfully, it sounds like you're using him as a way to avoid the painful feelings that will come up when you have the space of being alone. In that sense, you are likewise not capable of loving him in a real way. To much different degrees, you are both acting out your unresolved personal dramas rather than maintaining an emotionally honest, mutually supportive relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 13, 2009 4:39 PM GMT

    How big is his dick? icon_lol.gif j/k!

    You aren't his mother, done!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 13, 2009 5:00 PM GMT
    GuiltyGear said
    How big is his dick? icon_lol.gif j/k!

    You aren't his mother, done!



    I knew someone would say that...LOL
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 13, 2009 5:13 PM GMT
    Let it go!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 13, 2009 5:17 PM GMT
    It sounds like neither of you are ready for a serious relationship. Break it off, take some time to get comfortable being on your own, and then see what else is out there.