Making New Friends that are your own?............

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2009 4:15 PM GMT
    Recently I started dating this guy and we agreed to go the Monogamous route (cool) Over the past few weeks I have indulged in his world meeting his friends, attending events like empire pride held in East Hampton last weekend as he is a sponsor and his life revolves around a very social scene. Not that I mind any of this but I have No gay friends and feel somewhat off centered.I myself have lots of friends and aquaintances it's just that all of my friends are straight and most of the gay guys that I have made friends with have been online but I just don't wanna start meeting random people to make friends as it might seem a little shady but I don't want to incorporate all his friends as mine. I feel like I should have my own gay friends and not ones that I made as his bf that are his friends not mine anyway. If that makes sense? any advice?
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    Jul 15, 2009 4:30 PM GMT
    Hillie saidRecently I started dating this guy and we agreed to go the Monogamous route (cool) Over the past few weeks I have indulged in his world meeting his friends, attending events like empire pride held in East Hampton last weekend as he is a sponsor and his life revolves around a very social scene. Not that I mind any of this but I have No gay friends and feel somewhat off centered.I myself have lots of friends and aquaintances it's just that all of my friends are straight and most of the gay guys that I have made friends with have been online but I just don't wanna start meeting random people to make friends as it might seem a little shady but I don't want to incorporate all his friends as mine. I feel like I should have my own gay friends and not ones that I made as his bf that are his friends not mine anyway. If that makes sense? any advice?

    I encountered a similar situation when I permanently moved to South Florida 2 years ago, being a stranger here to the gay community. My BF was a social butterfly, and I met tons of gay friends through him, plus some straight, too.

    I take my friends where I find them. I now make my own friends here, and then introduce them to him (who's gone from BF to partner). I have no hesitation to "piggy-back" on someone else to initially meet gay friends in a new situation. And I've done it myself for others, giving them the entrée to my own social circles.

    The only potential drawback I see is if you are totally inept socially, and become completely dependent upon this other guy for friends. I'm not that way myself, and just view these things as getting my foot in the door, for which I am grateful. I can take care of the rest myself. But even if you are behind the curve on this, I see advantages for you in learning to become more socially proficient on your own. I would advise exploiting your good fortune.
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    Jul 15, 2009 4:36 PM GMT


    LOL, Hillie, he's opened a door for you. His friends that you meet and get to know will have other friends that you'll meet and hit it off with, and so on and so on...besides, we often make friends by networking through those we know, so your BF has given you a wonderful 'leg up' (horse-riding term) in this regard.


    It's all good, eh?

    Congrats by the way! Sounds like a sweet guy, you lucky dog you!


    -unicorns
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    Jul 15, 2009 4:41 PM GMT
    Thanks Vespa,
    I can def hold my own and I'm quite social but I guess I just want to find quality guys and the one's I made online might have had other implications attached before I met him, so now in somewhat of a relationship I guess I want a more honorable start to meeting people that I will befriend solely on interest and not sex.


    Ps, Thanks MnL
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    Jul 15, 2009 5:06 PM GMT
    Hillie said... I guess I want a more honorable start to meeting people that I will befriend solely on interest and not sex.

    I'm not able to understand your concept of "honorable" in this context of meeting friends. Are you establishing arbitrary criteria for how you meet friends? If so, why?

    As I wrote above: "I take my friends where I find them." The method of introduction is meaningless to me under ordinary circumstances.

    But you say "and not sex." What sex? The fact that your BF & you are having sex, and you're subsequently meeting his friends? Or do these meetings with his friends involve sex?

    That would introduce a new element that I don't think we understood before, and could change the equation here. Please explain.
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    Jul 15, 2009 5:36 PM GMT
    I don't have one steady group of friends who all know each other. Some of my closest friends have moved out of state, or live in a foreign country, or are extremely busy with work.

    I was dating a guy who was very social. I would be invited to all these events and was getting to know his group of friends. All his friends were always available to do just about anything.

    A few times I was able to get a friend of mine, and my boyfriend and me together to meet. Schedualing made it a challenge though.

    But problems started to come up.

    I felt he didn't really want to meet my friends individually and was more into group friends. I think he began to think that I had no friends, because my social scene was not group orientated, and in subtle ways insinuated that I would have no social life if it weren't for him and his friends.

    I began to feel like an orphan.....a kid....who was being dragged along to my boyfriend's social events.

    I think its real important for you to have your own set of friends. If you only met people through your boyfriend, you will always feel like the stray dog.

    That's only my experience...which highlighted other problems in the relationship, but everybody is different.

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    Jul 15, 2009 6:29 PM GMT
    ive encountered such problems as well. But not being negative when i say what if it ends with you and this guy....who gets to keep which friends..??? or will it likely be non drama free where everyone can continue being best buds?? Hence why Hillie is stating that he needs to find his own group of gay friends.
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    Jul 15, 2009 6:53 PM GMT
    IMO, it's always good to have friends you don't share. Helps maintain the sense of independence. And at least you'd have someone to bitch to and let off steam about your bf if ever you have like minor spats or something heh. Or just simply having someone to talk to without having the constant shadow of your bf hovering about in the air. You wouldn't easily be able to do that with HIS friends. Because knowing him longer, they'd be more loyal to him.

    How about from some extracurricular activity you enjoy and your bf doesn't or at work? Like if you're part of a gay sports club or something, you could make friends there. Or at the gym?

    And yeah, it doesn't have to be exactly proportional to your bf's number of friends. You can have like 1 or 2 in comparison to his 30 and it would be alright I think. And I don't even think being gay or straight, male or female really matters in this regard. It really depends on how social you are or what issues you normally talk about with your friends. Some people just thrive with a lot, some with just a few close friends. Some people have straight friends they can talk about anything with, including stuff related to being gay. But it helps to have someone who backs you up first rather than someone who only backs you up because you happen to be his friend's bf.

    P.S. It will pass though. In time, you and your bf will meet new friends together. And those will be a whole different category than your bf's friends. Or in time, some of his friends will begin liking you more, etc. It's probably just you still adjusting to his 'scene' or something.
  • GQjock

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    Jul 15, 2009 7:51 PM GMT
    Friends are a ongoing and continuing process
    the friends that you have right now may or may not be friends of yours next year
    Whenever you enter into a relationship you enter a whole new circle
    some will be his friends and some will be yours
    Keep an open mind and you will find some friends and acquaintances that you meet thru your bf's circle
    will be candidates for you to be closer to later on
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    Jul 15, 2009 8:40 PM GMT
    Sedative saidIMO, it's always good to have friends you don't share. Helps maintain the sense of independence. And at least you'd have someone to bitch to and let off steam about your bf if ever you have like minor spats or something heh. Or just simply having someone to talk to without having the constant shadow of your bf hovering about in the air. You wouldn't easily be able to do that with HIS friends. Because knowing him longer, they'd be more loyal to him..


    Exactly. All his friends knew each other and hung out together. So no matter how nice they were, or how freindly I was with them, I would always be HIS boyfriend.

    And understandably so, my ex would talk to his freinds about his relationship with me, including some intimate details, so they knew a lot about me, but I knew little about them.
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    Jul 15, 2009 8:47 PM GMT
    I haz 4 categories (excluding ex-classmates and past and present work colleagues):
    Close Friends
    Friends
    Close Acquaintances
    Acquaintances
    Take this opportunity to compartmentalize them, though in your case, this will seem a no-brainer. I learned this from the Brits. icon_cool.gif
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    Jul 16, 2009 4:57 AM GMT


    Vespa,
    What I meant when I said honorable was... Most of the guys that I have made thus far have been a direct result of manhunt or adam 4 adam and those friendships were a derived frm sex 1st and friendship 2nd. I don't know if I explained that the few gay friends I have, have all be sexual will be well received. So when I said honorable I guess I just meant something that started w/out anything other than similar interests.
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    Jul 16, 2009 5:02 AM GMT
    hmmm all my mates are straight and ya know.. as things have gone on, I've often wondered that I'd like gay friends and so on and so forth..

    but.. then, I catch up with my mates and have an absolute blast and I realise.....

    It's not about my sexuality with them nor theres with me, its about being me, all of me, anything of me, it doesn't matter and it's not a focus we are mates and I love'em all dearly..

    cultivate a friendship with a person, who cares if they are gay or straight, male or female, just let it grow with who ever it is suppose to grow with!
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    Jul 16, 2009 7:49 AM GMT
    lilTanker saidhmmm all my mates are straight and ya know.. as things have gone on, I've often wondered that I'd like gay friends and so on and so forth..

    but.. then, I catch up with my mates and have an absolute blast and I realise.....

    It's not about my sexuality with them nor theres with me, its about being me, all of me, anything of me, it doesn't matter and it's not a focus we are mates and I love'em all dearly..

    cultivate a friendship with a person, who cares if they are gay or straight, male or female, just let it grow with who ever it is suppose to grow with!


    i second this statement...
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    Jul 16, 2009 8:07 AM GMT
    The bulk of my friendships are with straight guys that I have known for ten or fifteen years.

    I have maybe six gay friends (honorable as you say) because we became friends because we had similar interests and worked together. Never have we liked each other in any way but friendship. I cherish that.