In Love With Best Friend...Need Help!

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    Apr 26, 2007 11:08 AM GMT
    I've Known Him Since I Was 13 Years Old, And Have Always Been Love With Him, We Are One Almost...But He's Straight. I Know, I Know It's So 90's Passe, And Its So Typical. He's Been With Me Through Thick And Thin. Lately These Feelings Ive Had For Years Now Are Harder Then Ever To Ignore. I Find Myself Jealous Of People He Hangs Out With And I Dont Know What To Do.
    Whats Even Worse Is I Think And So Does Everyone Else, That He May Be Bisexual, Or At Least Bi Curious. I've Asked, And He Denies It He Loves "The Vagina" Or So He Puts It. Maybe I Just Want Him To Be, Even Though Some Of The Signs And Questions He Asks At Times Make Me Wonder And Get My Head To Spinning. If He Is, I Know For A Fact In My Head He Doesnt Want To Be Mainly Because Of His So Called "Manly" Friends He Has That Are ALways Talking About Bangin This Chick And Boobs And Stuff, You Know Guy Stuff And I Think Hes Afriad That Being Anything Other Then Straight Makes Him Less Of A Man, I Just Dont Know How To Talk To Him, Everyone, Even My Boss Has Always Known Ive Loved Him But He Has Yet To Catch On. Hes Very Protective Over Me Which For Years I Thought Was Him Being A Friend But Sometimes I Wonder If Its Because Of Something More, Or Maybe Im Putting These Thoughts In My Head. He Mad A Comment The Other Night After We Had Been Drinking A Little Bit That Everyone Thinks He's Bi Or Gay And He Respnded With I Dont Wanna Be Gay, And His Tone Just Sounded As If He Thought It Was True Himself And Just Really Didnt Want To Be This Way, I Just Dont Know Anymore...
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    Apr 26, 2007 2:58 PM GMT
    If he is your best friend for that long I would tell him that you have always been attracted to him and if he was gay or bi that you would date him. And then you could say something alongs the lines of "but your not so oh well". Then that puts it on his plate. If he wants to persue you he will know that the feelings are mutual which will make it easier for him to persue you if he so disires.
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    Apr 26, 2007 3:21 PM GMT
    yea i sort of have a crush on my best friend also. i asked him is he was homophobe, and he says nope quite the opposite. and he also added, and i already know ur gay and that doesnt change anything. we go shopping together. and hes always happy to hang out with me and crap, like a lot happier when its just us two hanging out. maybe its just him, he makes no advances. so niether shall i. but i do slyly give him compliments, expecially when he bought jeans yesterday. "they fit like a glove?" i say. he says "yes i found a new favorate jeans" wo se go and look for a belt and a changeable belt buckle. and he had the most difficulty putting it on and i offered to help him and he let me, that was no advance on my part, it was getting me agrivated that he couldnt fit the end through the buckle. but all together my gay-dar doesnt work on him i have no idea what he is. he could just be really comfortable with himself, and he has "i dont care additues in what ppl think, having another guy help him with his belt. but i just dont know. but anyways i just calm my hormones most of the time.
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    Apr 26, 2007 3:39 PM GMT
    I would have an homest conversation with him about it. I mean you've been best friends for years. Through thick or thin as you said. How much THICKER can it get then that?!?!? He may already know how you feel, he may even be ready to open up to you and tell you that he is gay or bi. He just doesn't know how to breach the subject. But wishing and hoping isn't going to instantaneously change the situation. Remember a closed mouth doesn't get fed.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Apr 26, 2007 7:30 PM GMT
    The friendship is more important- don't blow it for lack of a better word for sex or his possible first relationship w/ a man. Friends stay the duration, lovers wives come and go.
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    Apr 27, 2007 1:17 AM GMT
    been there, done that, bought the T-shirt, and it didn't fit.
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    Apr 27, 2007 2:17 AM GMT
    He opened the door for you to have a deep conversation with him. When he said he didnt think or want to be gay. You should have asked "Do you think you are"? His answer would have determined your next step.
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    Apr 27, 2007 2:31 AM GMT
    He's sending hints. Needs to know it's OK and think NOBODY is ever going to find out. Next time he hits you with the "I don't wanna be.." ask him why not? Might open a whole new line of approach. Pining away never feels good and it never gets any better. Carpe diem.
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    Apr 27, 2007 2:34 AM GMT
    Like you I was in love with my best friend. Like you I thought we were soul mates. He even had me as his soul mate in one of those on-line quiz things. He thought it was great to have someone that knew him so well. But after 16 years and both of us gettting divorced and moving in together I thought, my time to have him was now. So one night I sat him down and explained how much I loved him and how long I had wanted him, but never thought I had a chance.
    I wish I could said this had a happy ending. He is Str8 no matter what I might have projected onto him. And We have not spoken in over a year since that night. He left and the next day while I was a work he moved out. He did leave me a note never to contact him again that he was not gay, that it would never happen and go find get some help.
    I hope this helps. Because you have two choices here, tell him and risk loosing him or keep going like you are and keep him as your dream man, that you know you will always be able to watch over.
    I wish I could go back and not tell, because I have had to deal with my best friend being gone. And it hurts more than loosing anything..
    Good luck and I hope what ever you do, you are happy in the end....
  • ramblerman

    Posts: 47

    Apr 27, 2007 2:37 AM GMT

    He might be bi-confused. I agree with mitchster to let him know how you feel, just let that ride for a while , he'll know you are there for him if that is the case.If you are wanting more, play the field safely & enjoy your sexuality.
    I didn't "come out" to my gay friend for over 10 years. My friend thought I was going to leave my wife for him...lead to a lot of drama, still just friends, so don't over expect even if he is bi/gay, he will need your help dealing with all the issues you have already gone thru.
    Even if he is straight nothing wrong with just friends.
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    Apr 27, 2007 3:27 AM GMT
    Football_lover, what your friend is inconsistent with the word "soul-mate". A "soul-mate" implies a spiritual connection that shouldn't have been affected by your disclosure that you thought you could express things sexually.

    In fact, what he did in response to that was such an over-reaction, that I wonder if the guy was so conflicted, so homophobic, that it threw him into a panic. But to dump someone he claims to have loved like that is reprehensible.

    Back to the topic, I think there is a difference between responding to this topic as if JCRocker69 was merely asking whether he should come on to his friend (as in, have sex) or whether he was askign whether he could ask his best friend if he could be both his best friend, his mate, and his partner in life.

    I see a big difference.

    And in the first case, I wouldn't trade the friendship for a roll in the hay. In the second, it's worth discussing with your friend. If he truly loves you, he will not freak out.

    I don't think there MUST be a separation between a best friend and a mate. I'm looking for a best friend who will also be my mate, not randomly hitting on friends.

    The tricky part is when you become friends first, and realize that there is a possibility for much more (than just sex or a conventional friendship). It is a dilemma.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11648

    Apr 27, 2007 5:19 AM GMT
    A word to the wise in this situation...be VERY careful
    You already have a true friend here
    You're saying he's str8...at least for now
    why would you want to jeopardize that for the POSSBILITY he maybe Bi
    most likely he's going to tell you ... no that he's str8 and thank you
    or...he'll view this as a change in the relationship and become wary of you
    I'd wait for him to come to you...once that bridge is crossed there's no going back
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    Apr 27, 2007 4:31 PM GMT
    Honestly, I think he's gay. Do the statistics.
    1). Dismiss all the stereotypical manerisms of gays.
    2). If he has other friends, how do they act? Are they str8 bone heads, or "metro's"?
    3). Most importantly, do you guys hang out alone together (public/private), or do you guys mostly hang out in a group?
    4). Tell him immediatly and very sincere.
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    Apr 28, 2007 11:52 AM GMT
    Thanx For The Suggestions, i Know I Should Talk To Him But Fear Of Rejection Is Too Strong, I Know I Need To Do Something Cause Its Just Making Me Sick To My Stomach Thinking About It All The Time.
  • gymingit

    Posts: 156

    Apr 28, 2007 1:05 PM GMT
    I never had a regret about my friendship with my army buddy til years later. I was 19 when I fell in love with him and we were best of friends for 4 1/2 years. I was young and never really picked up on the hints or I was afraid too and if that's what they were in fact, hints. He was very over protective and some would say more of a big brother type thing going on. He was 5 years older.

    When his wife was overseas during desert shield/storm, he didn't want to live alone. I lived with him for over a year. At times, we even slept in the same bed together even though nothing ever happened between us sexually.

    I believe he knew how much I loved him, but he was somewhat afraid to acknowledge that fact. I remember him telling me, please don't look at me like that... you know I will just give in if you do, so don't. Of course at the time, it was not in a sexual context and there again I was young.

    But, there were a lot of things said which I look back on and I feel like things could have been a lot different. Take life by the horns and take the chance. Sometimes you also have to let go that which you love the most. But wouldn't it be wonderful if he actually responded in kind.
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    May 01, 2007 3:02 AM GMT
    that sounds just like him, but who knows.