He Wants to Get Married, BUT....

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    Jul 16, 2009 2:37 AM GMT


    So I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about 8 months. We have talked about the idea of getting married before (not so much legally but in a personal vows sense), and I’m totally for the idea. But now things are complicated. We both lived in SC when we met, but he separated from the military to go to school in Texas (yay gi bill). Now I’m wondering how this could work. He wants to get married, though he lives 1000 miles away. I have options to move myself down there, but without going into gritty details… they would require quite a bit of capital expenditure and personal sacrifice. (if we could only get married legally, there would be literally no problem :/)

    So I guess the question is: am I crazy to put myself through a life altering change to be with the man I love? I can’t imagine myself getting burned by him, but I’m sure guy’s whose wives run away with their fortunes say the same thing. At the same time, I know straight couples invest in their marriages, in the same way, all the time. My mind is looking at the logic, and not a fan of betting my future, but my heart doesn’t have a single qualm.

    Comments please RJers!
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    Jul 16, 2009 2:42 AM GMT


    Ok Bjorn, you have our undivided attention. Exchanging vows is what we did after just three weeks, long long ago. Was it legal? Nope. Was it meant? Yes.

    You have a huge distance factor, so yes there's that, but exchanged vows or not, are you already committed to each other? We don't mean in a monogamous or open relationship sense, because there are committed people in both types of relationships, if you get where we're coming from.

    This is about dedicating your hearts to each other, and distance is only that, and you've managed so far so good, right?



    -Doug and Bill of meninlove
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    Jul 16, 2009 3:45 AM GMT
    well with all respect to bill and dougy..

    No.. it's probably not worth the effort to do it.. 8 months isn't a long time (yes I know Bill, you and Dougy aren't a regular case) and you are very young (again, yes Bill, I know)

    why is it soo important you get hitched, why not just enjoy each others time together (what you do have together) and see how things are in a year..

    again, yes, I know, bill, dougy, you guys are different are and where older and bla bla bla..
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    Jul 16, 2009 4:37 AM GMT
    LOL blah blah blah indeed.

    These two are considering tying the knot just between the two of them, and not legally. Who's to judge that they shouldn't try this? Nothing is written in stone. Not even marriages, of which many end in divorce.

    ..what makes us encourage is what he said...that his heart doesn't have a single qualm.

    We're not advocating upping and leaving where he is, but committing to each other in this case is a little like getting engaged. Moving can come later...

    There's no effort involved in exchanging rings, and a few words. Even rings are unimportant, save what they mean to the wearers.


    We both know you think of us as unicorns, but that's your take. icon_wink.gif



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    Jul 16, 2009 4:48 AM GMT
    I think of you two as confusing.. cause i never know who is talking..

    just because the law doesn't recognise it, doesn't mean a commitment hasn't taken place and regardless of the law when you make that sort of commitment you've made it and you stand by it..

    not to say that you don't do the same when you start a relationship of any kind, you follow through with any and all comitments you make in a relationship.. always!

    But, they don't live together (have they ever even?) they live a thousand miles apart, they aren't able to really be there for each other and they are still young emotionally AND the relationship is still young..

    WHy the need to package it up and slap a label on it? wait and give it time..
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    Jul 16, 2009 6:52 AM GMT


    Well, we'll say no more on the subject, as we've no wish to argue with you, but this, "WHy the need to package it up and slap a label on it?"

    ......is strictly your interpretation.

    and this , "when you make that sort of commitment you've made it and you stand by it.." is saying that the only marriages or commitments that should ever take place are those that are guaranteed to succeed. No one owns that particular crystal ball.


    good night
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    Jul 16, 2009 7:17 AM GMT

    Wow, first of all, I want to write the op into a screenplay.

    Second of all. Doug and Bill....mmmmmm.

    Third of all, wow, op, that is real powerful stuff. I can tell by the way you write that you are real passionate about this guy...or atleast, real enthusiastic. I think time is fleeting. I remember when four years ago (university) felt like an eternity....and now it is a memory. If the two of you share a (I hope marketable love story) icon_lol.gif like I read, then a couple years and even a few trixx in the meantime, will NOT stand in its way.
    You give it up or gut punch your wallet, you could wind up resenting him or placing a price on you guys' love (and that would be a tragedy). Let your future success be a part of you and this guy's future, not a barrier.
    Man, good luck to you.



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    Jul 16, 2009 7:43 AM GMT
    Wait till he moves to the same state as you. Then wait till you and he move in together. Then wait till you have been living together for a year. Then maybe another. Then go for it.

    I don't doubt you love him, and he you. But there is no rush.
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    Jul 16, 2009 3:25 PM GMT


    lol, well bjorn, your ears may have been burning today as Bill and I have been discussing your situation with each other at some length. Someone else suggested we tell a little more of our story..so here it is.


    Both of us came from backgrounds where we had committed to others in a big way, in my case several times, only to have those commitments crash and burn.

    At one point, for each of us, there was a moment of truth. We could give up, focus on the bitter, or keep trying. We each chose to keep trying.

    Eventually we met, and you know what we did so differently this time? We told no one, we just did it, on the beach, with no witnesses other than Willis Bill's dog.

    Immediately afterwards, once word got out, the doomsayers gathered. Anytime we experienced disagreements, others' heads nodded in a knowing way. It reached a pitch and intensity that had us abandon the gay community altogether. Jealousy or jaded, both were toxic.

    Now, close to 20 years later, we legally married on June 27th.

    Without trying, you never find out. We adhere to our advice that you extend a commitment to each other in this small and wonderful way.

    Moving is obviously not an option for you at this point, and we think that part should wait.
    Consider this gesture of commitment an engagement, a promise to each other, something that helps get you by while 'the bed's too big' or 'the frying pan's too wide'.(Joni Mitchell quote)

    Will it work out? None can say. There are only two people that can determine the outcome, and that's you and your man.

    Love bows to no schedule.

    -Doug of meninlove

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    Jul 16, 2009 3:40 PM GMT
    There's no hard and fast rule for when to move form one stage to the next in a relationship (meet, date, sex, live together, engaged, married). And the sequence can change. But each can serve a useful purpose.

    My ex and I lived together for over five years before getting engaged; eight months later, we realized we had both changed a lot over the previous six years and were better suited for friendship. I'm glad now we had a long engagement and didn't rush into marriage.

    If there's no pressing reason to get married, I'd wait to get to know each other better and work out the distance issue. And why not take some time to enjoy all the stages of your relationship, rather than rushing toward marriage?

    But that's an outsider's opinion. Only you two know the inner workings of your relationship, so the final decision is one you'll have to reach together. Best of luck.
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    Jul 16, 2009 3:48 PM GMT
    You can travel to a different state to get married, then come back to live in the same places. You can be married without having to live together. Just want to point out that you have this alternative.
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    Jul 17, 2009 6:35 PM GMT
    If your heart doesn't have a single qualm then you honestly don't need our advice, nor would you need to confide in us about this incredibly hard decision you are unsure of. Clearly you're stuck between stability and love. and I think if thats how you look at it, then maybe you should stick with stability.

    What I mean is that why can't you have your love and hold onto the stability you have built for yourself also? Being in the military I have met so many men who have had to leave their partners for so long. But their wives are still their wives when they get back home. I say be grateful that unlike them, you can at least go and visit your bf now given his knew college situation.

    The only advice i have for you is that if you cannot see yourself doing it then don't do it. But to do that is a lot easier than many people make it out to be.

    I think this is why communication is important. When you get the chance, take some time to speak to your partner about:

    His plans after college
    Who's the provider
    Etc.

    These things will help tell you just how stable you'll be when if you decide to make the move.

    But do know, even if you don't make the move, doesn't mean you can't get married. Yeah it eats at you being away from the one you love. But if they truly care, despite whatever they may do behind your back, they should still be there when the two of you can be together again.
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    Jul 18, 2009 2:57 AM GMT


    Thanks for this Halfstep! It's worth repeating, so.....

    "Being in the military I have met so many men who have had to leave their partners for so long. But their wives are still their wives when they get back home. I say be grateful that unlike them, you can at least go and visit your bf now given his knew college situation."

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    Jul 18, 2009 3:12 AM GMT
    Meninlove....they have the happy ending that we all want...... and as Liltanker stated that they are a rare case and that 8 months is too early especially if your having second thoughts.. so follow your heart.
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    Jul 18, 2009 4:08 AM GMT
    Hmmm...I think it is great and congrats.

    My initial reaction was to tell you to wait, but I don't think a private celebration is going to hurt you in any way, so go for it. It could be a reinforcement to an already strong committment, and if your emotions are ready for that now, then why not? Seems kind of shallow to think otherwise.

    The moving thing is a little different matter. Why did he choose a college in TX? I mean if you can relocate later, or get another job in a another state, then as far as I know the GI Bill works in all states?? What up with dat? There are certainly closer schools...

    Marriages obviously last in different coasts, but I just feel the need to question why you are the one who has the burden of deciding to move?

    Ultimately I am one that would give up quite alot to be with someone that I want to be with, but I just wonder how you feel about his making a decision to attend college so far away if you both are in the midst of this wonderful thing you have going.

    Sorry, don't mean to stir any shit, just coming from a place of my own honest interpretation of your dilemma.
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    Jul 18, 2009 4:24 PM GMT


    OK terseus1, you've brought up a good point and we're going to spill the beans as we're a little fed up.

    Our unicorn self-labeling is one of sarcasm. As we don't feel right 'outing' all the couples like us one this site, we won't, but we are far, far from rare.

    You guys just don't see many of us because like us, others have been ostracized roundly by the more bitter, jaded, bored, and just plain horny segments of gay population, which coincidentally are often the loudest, popular, sarcastic group.

    Bill and I feel that it's worth being out as proudly paired on here, because we feel, and some other couples on here do too, that many of you need to know what's out there, and that IT'S ALL POSSIBLE; monogamous, open, Bi, polyamorous long term relationships DO exist! People are happy!!

    (what a shocker, eh?)

    LOL!


    - Fairy Godfathers

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    Jul 18, 2009 5:09 PM GMT

    Try to have one thing.. Concentrate on one thing, which should be your education. . Ask this man to wait for you rather than asking him to deal with distance or an expensive relocation. Bottom line, the two of you might not last, when it's over, do you want to have all of your ducks in a row career wise and financially? The answer should be yes. That sounds a little cold, but you have to be. Love pays not the bills. Ofcourse, I think in this instance, time can be enough to keep your love on ice until you two are in a better position to do something about it.

    ..........................................freeze Pictures, Images and Photos
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    Jul 18, 2009 5:38 PM GMT

    Ooops, I read that op wrong. I thought you were the one going away to school. What I said applies more to the bf leaving.

  • calibro

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    Jul 18, 2009 6:15 PM GMT
    I am one to put my career and life before the before I love, but maybe that's because I haven't found that special someone. My philosophy though is that I'm always going to want to do what I'm passionate about, and I will always chase that dream until I achieve it. Because of that, I am constantly relocating in order to fulfill the next step of my goals. If I was with a guy who wasn't in the same place as where I needed to be, I would end up miserable. Sure, I'd love being with the guy, but another person shouldn't complete you, and I find fulfillment in my passions. So I can't settle down until I am in a position not to have to relocate to in order to pursue them. I could see myself eventually resenting the guy for being the root of me abandoning my goals. But that's just me.
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    Jul 18, 2009 8:51 PM GMT
    meninlove said

    Ok Bjorn, you have our undivided attention. Exchanging vows is what we did after just three weeks, long long ago. Was it legal? Nope. Was it meant? Yes.

    You have a huge distance factor, so yes there's that, but exchanged vows or not, are you already committed to each other? We don't mean in a monogamous or open relationship sense, because there are committed people in both types of relationships, if you get where we're coming from.

    This is about dedicating your hearts to each other, and distance is only that, and you've managed so far so good, right?



    -Doug and Bill of meninlove



    wow 3 weeks! where can i know more about you guys?!
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    Jul 19, 2009 2:19 AM GMT


    LOL CanadianSun you can visit our profile and you can email us whenever you like. Our door's always open to any.

    3 weeks yes, but this is after being out since 18 ( both of us) and meeting 14 years later. By that time we'd tried failed, tried failed, tried failed over and over and over and over and over with other men.

    When we met we were both pretty seasoned. We could have been irrevocably scarred and ruined, but deciding to be that, after all, is a choice each of us makes. To let past horrors control one's future or not, that is the question.
    We had each chosen 'not', heheh, both of us believers that hope springs eternal in the human heart.

    We believe in every one of you, yes even those we fight with.
  • toybrian

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    Jul 19, 2009 2:46 AM GMT
    Bjorn, I do have a question for you...Is he moving back to you when he graduates and how long will he be there for?? If he is moving there perm then you may want to think about moving to be with him and I wish you both the best in the job market anywhere...but if he is moving back to your state when done then I would do the distance with him till then...2-4 yrs goes fast and you can always visit each other and how about your job?? Is it something you do not care about leaving and get one where he is...
    Like I said good luck to you in this hard decision..write it down on paper the good and bad of it and then decide....
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    Jul 19, 2009 3:11 AM GMT
    meninlove said
    When we met we were both pretty seasoned. We could have been irrevocably scarred and ruined, but deciding to be that, after all, is a choice each of us makes.


    Well, though, here's the issue, Bill and Doug. Bjorn is only 22 years old. To me that is a big caution sign. It's easy to be infatuated, love deeply, and think that it is a life-long committment, ignoring issues that could be major ones, when you are that young.

    I congratulate Bjorn on finding such a wonderful guy. But I also agree with others who counsel waiting a bit before making a decision about a life-long vow. It's too soon.

    Doug and Bill's story is a wonderful one, but you'll note that they were in their 30s, and had been pretty "seasoned"...meaning, the choices that they had made earlier, did not quite turn out right, but at least were major teaching moments for them, right Doug?

    John
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    Jul 19, 2009 3:20 AM GMT
    Thanks for all the responses guys.

    I got called away (Iraq) for a few days, and had plenty of time on ocean crossings to think about things. Maybe I am rushing things, having the planet between us allows me step back and gain perspective. I keep arriving at the conclusion that a move wouldn't be prudent.

    Halfstep had an awesome point:

    "Being in the military I have met so many men who have had to leave their partners for so long. But their wives are still their wives when they get back home. I say be grateful that unlike them, you can at least go and visit your bf now given his knew college situation."

    Though he probably didn't realize how directly that applies to my situation. I can just think of it as a long deployment...
    I really hope I can end up like meninlove someday, but for now distance will have to be the status quo.

    I still can't stand firm on the position, but at least i have a bit more perspective.



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    Jul 19, 2009 3:48 AM GMT


    Bingo fastprof (man they don't call you that for nothing)

    this, ".meaning, the choices that they had made earlier, did not quite turn out right, but at least were major teaching moments for them, right Doug?"

    ...lol they did not at all turn out right, but at the same time turned out perfectly right (genius, you for saying 'quite'!) as those experiences led us to each other. We're both grateful for every one.
    Had we met in our 20s nothing would have happened as we were each committed to another man.

    In this case, he feels committed and so does his BF (at least from his post).
    That's really all the ingredients you need.

    Who says they have to have it like we did? We know some in their 20s who've been together 7 years with no signs of slowing down and worse odds than these bjorn speaks of.

    - combined effort