Unapproachable.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 16, 2009 5:52 AM GMT
    When at bar, gym, or other type of social atmosphere, I'm starting to wonder why it is I'm so "unapproachable" by other guys. Obviously it's not necessary the most common occurrence, to be approached while you're pumping iron in a predominantly straight environment, but c'mon. It's bars that baffle me the most. Sure I'm not the guy running around with his shirt off shwasted, begging to be taken off my feet by some stranger for a one night stand, but I'm not the out-of-place 75 year old man either. Maybe it's the male fragrance I've chosen or the way I carry myself, but whatever it is, it's beginning to drive me nuts. "If you or someone you know can assist me in decrypting this inconvenience of mine, a simple reply would suffice." Good day, well actually, good night.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jul 16, 2009 5:59 AM GMT
    Well I can understand your position, so to speak. I think it may all be in non verbals. You may be conveying a sense of "unapproachableness"
    without realizing it.

    I've been told by my bf that I can convey a "no nonsense, don't fuck with me" kind of non verbal communication. That isn't true, I'm a very friendly person.. but he insists I can be a little standoffish in social settings.
    Now a bar is a little different and some don't allow for much assessment of "non verbals" at all. A person just gets approached and hit on.

    How friendly are you in a bar? Do you strike up conversations, nod to people in which you have eye contact, are polite and always act like you are having a good time? Sometimes being too quiet or reserved can earn you
    a sense of being unapproachable.

    Alter your behavior next time and give us a report. Good luck!
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    Jul 16, 2009 6:08 AM GMT
    Well, I'm not really a regular at any particular 'gay bar,' due to the lack of them in my neck of the woods, however from my experiences in Otown, I would have this to say. I was definitely nervous, especially at the first one I went to, but I felt I was more social and appeared to be having a good time from round 2- on. Other than the groups I went with, who are regulars and all knowing in the various plots taking place throughout the bar, I wasn't ever really approached those nights (other than numerous instances of awkward stare-downs and the occasional ass grab passerby.) It's funny though, because here, and pretty much any straight bar I go to, I can't get the girls off, but guys, they're another story...
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    Jul 16, 2009 6:16 AM GMT
    ah being approachable is more then just a look.. it is about a mentality, it's how you feel and how confident and relaxed you are in the environment you are in..

    everyone wether you take notice of it or not, gives off a feeling about them self in every setting, some scream shy and scared, others confident and brash, still others scared and aloof and then on and on it continues, you do it unintentionally or intentionally..

    I tend to not approach those who give up the "go away" feeling, unless they are real something special to look at.. otherwise they are the most difficult and dense ones to get at..

    the best ones are the ones who smile, laugh, have fun, make eye contact with a guy..

    Check how you hold your self next time, arms crossed? smile on your face? looking happy? feet crossed? feeling good? enjoying your self?

  • dannyboy1101

    Posts: 977

    Jul 16, 2009 6:46 AM GMT
    I'm told I come off as unapproachable by some of my friends which I think is ridiculous. Especially when I'm with friends, I'm laughing and goofing off, but apparently the rest of the world sees something else.

    Not sure what solution there is besides taking being unapproachable in stride as a "at least I won't get hit on by creepy crawlies" and you do all the approaching yourself. At least then you'll only be talking to guys you're interested in.

    I know it's easier said than done. I am shy when it comes to approaching guys I'm interested in especially if they're in big groups. I can't think of any solution to that problem other than that. Hope that idea helps you more than it helps me. icon_smile.gif
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    Jul 16, 2009 7:05 AM GMT
    GnGold09 said It's funny though, because here, and pretty much any straight bar I go to, I can't get the girls off, but guys, they're another story...


    Girls just adore a hunk that's NOT hitting on them.

    Whether they know you're gay or not. If they don't you attract them, if they do, they're even more flirty because they know they can do it safely and they're just playing. They get to hang all over a hot body and nice face without having to commit to it ("pay" for it later). And the ones who wouldn't have the confidence to do it for "real" can do it if it's only play.

    Amongst guys, totally different dynamic. First of all, we don't "play", we always want real sex, and every guy knows it. icon_smile.gif I think that means we're more careful about flirting, because if it doesn't lead anywhere it's a real rejection.
  • ShagonTheHate

    Posts: 135

    Jul 16, 2009 7:12 AM GMT
    Totally feeling you here, I have the same problem. You are probably just nervous and we can't see our expression but others can. I've noticed that sometimes when guys do look at me I tend to look at them and then look away, I can imagine what signal that sends to the guy, but it's really just that I'm shy. Don't ever think it's because you're unactractive to most guys or sth like that, there will always be guys in the bar or wherever you are going who will find you sexy, for now I'm just trying to have a good time with my friends, not obsessing myself why noone is hitting on me or sth, you should do the same. Sadly I'm the kind of person who will never make the first move, but I'll probably make the next 6 lol icon_biggrin.gif , that's a big problem too, perhaps you're the same. Maybe we should try hitting on other people and not wait for someone to hit on us icon_biggrin.gif . If all else fails, you can always make your friends tell the other guy you like him icon_twisted.gif , I don't find that cowardish, but cute .
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    Jul 16, 2009 9:24 AM GMT


    Most times when people go to bars/clubs/lounges it's usually in small to big clusters of friends. As the wrk days come to an end, you've made plans w/ all you buds to help unwind frm a hectic wrk week. So sometimes it's hard to walk into that scenario not knowing if a significant other is in that crowd or just in terms of space and walking into a small social gathering as a stranger. Sometimes it could be your stance for example if you stand w/ your arms folded it might give the impression that your closed off. Or if your not semi smiling it might make you unapproachable. If you suffer frm this I would ask how come your not approaching anyone?
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    Jul 16, 2009 9:48 AM GMT

    Well, your photo seems to agree with your sentiment.

    Hey bro, over here!!

    icon_confused.gif
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    Jul 16, 2009 10:29 AM GMT
    The social dynamics of bars and clubs are always interesting to observe because they often act as a microcosm of larger social interactions.

    Very rarely will you see a person alone at a club, because most people are very self conscious, and intimidated to be by themselves. Frankly, I've found this method to be highly effective in meeting guys, and going home with them as well. icon_razz.gif

    If you don't want to be seen as "unapproachable", the simple solution is to get over it and approach a guy you find attractive. Personally, this has always worked for me, and I've never had a negative experience -- I stand back and observe the guy for a short period to determine if we're a "match", and if I find we are, I talk to him to see if the interest is mutual.

    If it is, we then lock into eachother, chat, and progress to the next stage, which usually involves kissing. I will say that it's much easier when you're starting off to try to approach a guy that appears to be alone -- it's less complex that way and you can almost immediately gauge his interest, without the interference of others.

    If he's in a group, it can be a bit trickier, but you can still "get" the one guy you're interested in. It's all about maintaining a relaxed, confident disposition, while subtly clueing him in on your interest. At the same time, you must be cognizant of the group interactions to determine if he is with someone else, as well as the dynamics of the group -- sometimes, based on body language cues, you can determine whether or not a group is open or closed off to other people.

    I've never understood why guys go to clubs with a group of friends, and then give off this closed off vibe. Then, they wonder why no one talked to them or why they did not get approached. The point of going out, I've always thought, was to meet new people.

    Tips:

    1. Confidence -- head up, relaxed disposition, fluid movements, and slow down

    2. Eye contact -- if a guy looks at you, DON'T look away. Flirt with your eyes, smile, and look down. If he's interested, he'll probably approach you.

    3. Smile -- don't be afraid to smile.

    4. Group dynamics -- if you're in a group, be open to outsiders, and if you see a guy alone who you find attractive, go up and and introduce yourself.

    5. Approach -- again, don't be afraid to approach a guy you find attractive. Do you match up? Are you relatively of the same attractiveness? Chances are he'll be interested.

    These tips I think will help you get over the stigma of being seen unapproachable.
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    Jul 16, 2009 11:01 AM GMT
    Smile & talk. Both appear inviting, while quiet seriousness is much less so. If the bar isn't too busy I'll try to get to know the bartender, something I do at every bar I use, anyway. That gets you seen to be open to talking, or just start up a brief conversation with guys around you, whether they interest you or not, though avoid getting bogged down and blocking others from coming over. BTW, on subsequent visits you'll already know the bartender, and able to act like a local regular, which other guys often find more reassuring than if you appear to be a stranger there.

    I've usually done best in a gay bar that's not crowded, maybe half full or less, where there are still open places at the bar. I try to go to where there are open places next to me, unless I'm the one moving in on some guy I've seen. Guys can't easily approach you if all the seats around you are taken, in which case you might want to get up and circulate.

    Never look desperate or dissatisfied! Keep smiling, and tell yourself your goal is to have a good time by just having a few drinks, enjoying the music or videos, chatting with a few new guys and generally socializing. If you score as well, that's a bonus.

    But if you make scoring your goal, you've reduced your chances in my view. Inevitably your face shows your disappointment as the night wears on and you're not getting any hits. You've gotta look like you're having a great time all night long.

    And who would you rather approach? A smiley, friendly guy who you've seen talking with others, or the sullen, quiet guy who looks like he just lost his best friend? Of course, don't overdo it, either, and become a loud motor mouth, just enough to send the message that you're likely to welcome a talk if someone speaks to you.

    Guys really fear getting ignored and rejected in public, and won't take the risk of approaching unless they feel you're a good bet to at least speak back to them in a friendly way. So let them see encouraging examples of your willingness to engage with others.
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    Jul 16, 2009 11:11 AM GMT
    I have to admit, sometimes I go out with the intent on hooking up, and when it doesn't happen, for whatever reason, yes, there is some disappointment.

    Usually, upon entering the club and walking around a couple of times, scoping out the guys, I can tell whether I will score or not. Sometimes, there is just no chemistry between myself and anyone in the club, other times, there's chemistry with multiple guys.

    But if you don't hook up, it's not the end of the world. It's just fun, and a way to improve your social skills, and a way to find out, typically, what kind of guys are attracted to you.

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    Jul 16, 2009 11:22 AM GMT
    I have the same problem. I come across as very unapproachable and I am too scared to approach virtually anyone. And I am too old to go to go to clubs and bars in any case. Being over fifty gay and single is terrible.
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    Jul 16, 2009 11:32 AM GMT
    Tronik saidBut if you don't hook up, it's not the end of the world. It's just fun, and a way to improve your social skills, and a way to find out, typically, what kind of guys are attracted to you.

    I agree, great points! Especially about improving your skills. That's exactly what I did when I first started going to gay bars, right after I had just come out of denial about being gay, making me a bar-scene novice in more ways than one.

    So I deliberately studied each different bar (in Seattle at the time), to see what the others wore, how they acted, where were the best places to sit in each, what kind of crowd they attracted, etc. And most importantly, I focused on the guys who were popular and successful, how I learned some of those tips I wrote above.

    My favorite cruise bar became one where I could park my motorcycle right outside the door on the sidewalk, advertising to all who entered there was a biker inside. And so they'd know who I was, I'd wear my full leathers and keep them on at the bar, or else drape my Harley jacket over the bar stool.

    I wouldn't do that at other gay bars, but in this one it was like holding a bone in front of hungry dogs: I had to beat the guys away. Even the bartenders would hit on me! LOL!

    So yeah, study & learn, and adapt to your surroundings to best exploit them to your advantage.
  • HndsmKansan

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    Jul 16, 2009 11:53 AM GMT
    Red_Vespa said



    So yeah, study & learn, and adapt to your surroundings to best exploit them to your advantage.



    Excellent points. I learned some things and reviewed some I already knew.
    All these suggestions should be helpful.
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    Jul 16, 2009 1:10 PM GMT
    So being stared at up and down, and sort of not visually replying with the same is likely to be gameover? (well sometimes I want it to be gameover) I don't feel like I'm acting reserved or being uninviting when I'm out on the town. I always appear to be enjoying myself, and I am typically the guy who can't wipe a smile off my face. I'm a very confident/ competitive oriented individual, though I will admit these traits tend to slip when I'm in a gay bar environment, just because they're really a new turf and completely different atmosphere than a straight bar... It's a whole different ball game for sure. I can hit a home run on any given night at a straight bar, but a gay bar, its like I keep striking out.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jul 16, 2009 1:16 PM GMT
    GnGold09 said

    It's a whole different ball game for sure. I can hit a home run on any given night at a straight bar, but a gay bar, its like I keep striking out.



    My suggestion is to "practice". You've identified an issue, be aware and
    go out and enjoy yourself in a gay bar setting. Don't be serious, get used to the atmosphere and allow yourself some time. It may naturally work itself out.
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    Jul 16, 2009 1:28 PM GMT
    HndsmKansan said
    Red_Vespa said

    So yeah, study & learn, and adapt to your surroundings to best exploit them to your advantage.

    Excellent points. I learned some things and reviewed some I already knew.
    All these suggestions should be helpful.

    Just to illustrate the range I'd use to fit the situation: in one leather bar I'd violate some of my own earlier rules above, and strike a tough-guy attitude. I'd take up a "pose" in the private outdoor patio, with dark sunglasses, leather biker cap, Harley jacket, combat boots, and either leather chaps, or just black jeans tucked into the boots military style. I might even keep my studded black leather riding gloves on while I drank from a beer bottle; talk about intimidating!

    But in that bar no one was shy, lots of older leather guys, some bears, and that's the look they loved. I just struck my butch pose and they'd come to me, maybe to give me a wordless blowjob and leave, or to check me over for a trip back to their place.

    Not 3 blocks away, also in Seattle, was an upscale yuppie gay bar, very gentlemen's club-like. For it I'd go preppy, maybe a sweater or button-down shirt, Dockers, deck shoes. My technique there was to take a seat in the grouping by the blazing fireplace, in one of the leather armchairs or on a sofa, with a nice martini. I'd do a simple "How's it going?" as well-groomed professional men would take a seat around the big square coffee table, often still in business suits, and a conversation would usually start.

    Again, it was effortless, because I really planned these things, my old military side, leaving as little to chance as possible. And always targeting the kind of place I was visiting, and the kind of guys who would be there.
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    Jul 16, 2009 1:44 PM GMT
    i purposely make myself unapproachable! call me weird but I agree with everyone here. Most times people are at bars in groups with friends. I never am, or never have been, at a bar looking for a hookup. I love having the time to hang out with my friends. The last thing I need is for some weird dude to come up to me and start gabbing about useless shit.

    I am definitely not trying to make it out like I would normally be approached nonstop, but back in college it just bothered me so much to be hit on. I'm strange! I make it hard for someone to approach me. If i am interested in someone I have no problem making contact. This process makes my night more enjoyable.
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    Jul 16, 2009 1:55 PM GMT
    When you get answers to your questions, please let me know. Aside from adjusting your body language a bit and practicaly always being the first one to strike up a conversation, what else can an available guy do to break the ice?

    I'm amazed at how many men will stand next to me, real close and make it obvious they are interested, but they say nothing. People stare, gawk etc.

    Twice within the last month, a guy stood next to me, intentionally was rubbing his arm against mine, tapping his foot on mine and his body language def. indicated he was interested. But he didn't even LOOK at me! WTF is that!

    So I initiate conversation, and he freezes up, or runs away...and from a distance, is still staring.

    Now I know my breathe ain't bad......don't have body odor.........and I've been told I'm a lot of fun to talk to and I enjoy talking to people.

    Often unapproachable and untouchable...like I have the plague.
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    Jul 16, 2009 2:12 PM GMT
    KissingPro saidOften unapproachable and untouchable...like I have the plague.

    Not with me you won't, come to Dubai and I'll show you my hub. icon_razz.gificon_razz.gificon_cool.gif
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19119

    Jul 16, 2009 2:15 PM GMT
    I think most gay guys harbor some insecurities to some degree. Some are just braver than others. Confidence is generally far more attractive to others than meekness, so you have to just put yourself out there and just say hello and introduce yourself. You may get shut down a few times, but if the person you are approaching is friendly and interested, they will probably respond in a positive way. If they don't -- well -- simply have them ejected from the bar icon_lol.gificon_lol.gif
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    Jul 16, 2009 3:54 PM GMT
    Um.. have you tried smiling? icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jul 16, 2009 3:59 PM GMT
    When I say smile, I don't mean walk in the place with a permanent goofy smile plastered on your face -- you'll look like a loser and that will defeat the whole purpose of going out in the first place -- to meet guys.

    When I stress the importance of smiling, I mean, if you're with another person, smile when you are conversing with them. Laugh at their jokes, seem as though you are sociable, popular, and friendly.

    I think the city you're in largely affects how much success you'll have in this regard. Having been out in Dallas (where my parents live) numerously, I've found the "clique" factor to be exaggerated, and it much more difficult to find down to Earth, attractive men who don't think they're god's gift.

    Austin, on the other hand is populated with large numbers of sexy, approachable guys who are open. It creates an environment where it's not uncommon to do some serious networking because people just talk to eachother.

    I surmise though, that the kinds of guys most of you would prefer (masculine, athletic) would not likely be found at gay clubs. More than likely, they're a member of some local sports group, or just forgo the gay scene all together.

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    Jul 16, 2009 4:06 PM GMT
    RowBuddy saidAlso its kind of hard to stand there, alone in a bar forcing and smiling at nothing, and not feel like people are wondering "What the heck is that dude smiling for?

    Very true, which is why I'd find things to smile at, like something on the TV screen in most bars, or talk to the bartender if not too busy. And even if not smiling broadly, then at least maintaining a pleasant expression, rather than appearing glum or serious. Plus looking for an opportunity to greet someone I know, so I could flash my smile, look friendly, engaged, and known. The worst thing is to sit staring down at your own drink. It's all PR, gentlemen, PR.