Turning guys down

  • NickoftheNort...

    Posts: 1416

    Jul 18, 2009 8:56 PM GMT
    A quick question:

    Does anyone else here feel weird or unsettled when turning a guy down due to a lack of interest on your part (for whatever reason)? Not necessarily every time, but at least some of the time?

    ***
    For me, I guess I get into a conflict between my desire for submission and service on my part and my self-interest in meeting with guys I'm actually interested in meeting. Turning a guy down (in the sense of saying "thanks, unfortunately the interest is not mutual") feels counter-intuitive, as if I'm not paying my dues or loyalty to social harmony.

    At the same time, faking interest due to the possibility that it could become real does a disservice to the guy and to myself, disrespecting both in order to maintain some veneer of mutual interest. Being forthright about my lack of interest (though not necessarily the details of that lacking) seems to be the only sustainable choice.
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    Jul 19, 2009 2:59 AM GMT
    I think I know what you mean.

    I always find it hard when I have similar interests with a guy (ie. we get along great as friends, in a platonic fashion) but I have no sexual interest in him.

    I think the sticky part of this situation is there is no way to sugarcoat. If you click well as friends, then the only thing holding back a more intimate relationship is the absence of sexual desire.
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    Jul 19, 2009 5:02 AM GMT
    I have a real problem with saying "no," both in business and personal life.
    I think I need an agent.
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    Jul 19, 2009 5:11 AM GMT
    Some of us are just naturally born "pleasers". I had to go to counselling to finally learn to say "no". It's really not as hard as it seems.

    You'll actually be doing yourself and the other guy a great service, if you're polite but honest. Nobody wants to waste their time and breaking up after a while together will be more painful than saying no from the start.
  • Delivis

    Posts: 2332

    Jul 19, 2009 7:41 AM GMT
    I have no trouble turning people down.
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    Jul 19, 2009 8:47 AM GMT
    Scally said

    Try a hair cut


    Jealous much?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 19, 2009 12:07 PM GMT
    syd_hockey_79 said
    Scally said

    Try a hair cut


    Jealous much?


    HAHA- Priceless icon_razz.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 19, 2009 12:59 PM GMT
    my 2 cents:

    We're MEN. We're simple creatures. Tell us if you are not interested. It's easy and it doesn't hurt you. It makes you more respectable in our eyes if you are upfront. Don't lead us on. Don't be fake. WE CAN BE BUDDIES if it's not working out because you're being HONEST about not feeling the same! We can take it- again, we're MEN. We will respect you more if you tell us "no thanks" instead of disappearing in obscurity.

    A simple...

    "Listen, I need to be honest with you...With what time I have gotten to know you, I'm not feeling "it/the spark/the compatibility/whatever it is" and I don't want to hurt you or lead you on. It's not fair to either of us and the reason I'm telling you is because I feel it's only fair to you, that I be honest enough, so you're not wondering what happened and thinking you did something wrong."

    If I can do it, and have the balls to, so can other guys. I have yet to meet one guy who has been upfront. Any guys who weren't interested in me...faded into nothingness after lying and making stuff up. Spoke volumes of their character and I'm glad there is no more communication! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jul 19, 2009 1:24 PM GMT
    ive been on both ends of this, honestly it really sucks but you have to look at whats good for both people and act accordingly.
  • TallGWMvballe...

    Posts: 1925

    Jul 20, 2009 5:33 AM GMT
    IvesCardin08 saidmy 2 cents:

    We're MEN. We're simple creatures. Tell us if you are not interested. It's easy and it doesn't hurt you. It makes you more respectable in our eyes if you are upfront. Don't lead us on. Don't be fake. WE CAN BE BUDDIES if it's not working out because you're being HONEST about not feeling the same! We can take it- again, we're MEN. We will respect you more if you tell us "no thanks" instead of disappearing in obscurity.

    A simple...

    "Listen, I need to be honest with you...With what time I have gotten to know you, I'm not feeling "it/the spark/the compatibility/whatever it is" and I don't want to hurt you or lead you on. It's not fair to either of us and the reason I'm telling you is because I feel it's only fair to you, that I be honest enough, so you're not wondering what happened and thinking you did something wrong."

    If I can do it, and have the balls to, so can other guys. I have yet to meet one guy who has been upfront. Any guys who weren't interested in me...faded into nothingness after lying and making stuff up. Spoke volumes of their character and I'm glad there is no more communication! icon_biggrin.gif


    WELL SAID!
    Apparently only a few of us have the balls and the COURTESY to do this.
    Most guys including the ones on RJ just don't reply or ignore the question.

    Good for you! I always try to do the same and in similar words.
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    Jul 20, 2009 2:48 PM GMT


    NickofTheNorth, you have empathy. Both of us felt like that in the single years. You can't help but put yourself in the other guy's shoes. No one likes rejection in any form, so when it feels bad doing it, for us it means you have a caring considerate side that's worth oh, about ten billion bucks.


    Pretty cool stuff!

    -the unicorns
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jul 20, 2009 4:24 PM GMT
    I hate saying no for whatever reason

    I force myself sometimes but it never feels good because I always put myself in the other guys place
  • Rookz

    Posts: 947

    Jul 20, 2009 4:32 PM GMT
    It's pretty easy to say no to folks and think nothing of it. Don't let it bother you that you can't say no, that you really feel that your not interested. You don't want to lie to yourself for you'd only drag on what's a waste of your time. You said it yourself about sustainable choice, and it's great that you are able to self-observe about on the situation and say, No, no thanks.
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    Jul 20, 2009 4:36 PM GMT
    TallGWMvballer said

    WELL SAID!
    Apparently only a few of us have the balls and the COURTESY to do this.
    Most guys including the ones on RJ just don't reply or ignore the question.

    Good for you! I always try to do the same and in similar words.


    A guy with no pics and almost no info in his profile emailed me and asked "what is the youghest u would have sex with." I guess that's how he expresses interest, but I find it inappropriate. Am I discourteous or do I lack balls for not responding? icon_neutral.gif
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    Jul 20, 2009 4:42 PM GMT
    I prefer to know where I stand with someone, so I want to know if they are interested in me. I do the same with guys who I am not interested in if they approach me.

    There is nothing worse than people playing games. Feeling guilty about rejecting somebody and not being clear about your feelings falls into the playing games category ( all in the name of "trying not to hurt their feelings").

    Reluctance to "reject" somebody sounds like one of these two things or both is going on:

    1) Having been rejected yourself, you transfer that hurt onto someone else and "feel" their pain. Nonsense.

    2) You think you are so important and that think the rejected one will fall to pieces on hearing the news of your disinterest.

    Most people know when there is no chemistry. Men not only can handle it, but project confidence and respect when they don't play games with other people's feelings.
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    Jul 20, 2009 5:22 PM GMT
    I have the very same issue and hate hurting someone's feelings.
    Sometimes intimacy can be fostered which I find can pique interest but usually it doesn't happen if it isn't there from the beginning.

    I like when people are different from me and challenge me to see the world in a different way. When someone is strange and unusual I tend to look at it as an opportunity to learn a new way of being.
    I can get along with anyone, I sincerely enjoy the company of a wide range of personalities.

    But I've come to the conclusion that just because I *can* spend time with just about anyone, doesn't mean I *should*.

    The truth about dating is this, rejection is sometimes the cost of doing business.
    Being honest and candid is it "Fun" no, "Necessary", yes.
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    Jul 21, 2009 2:30 PM GMT
    It's difficult to turn others down sometimes; however, I would much rather receive a direct and honest answer than be pulled around because somebody feels bad about telling me how they feel. Not being direct will only cause more hard feelings down the road. It's usually nothing personal anyway. Communication, communication, communication.
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    Jul 28, 2009 12:49 AM GMT
    I COULD NOT handle rejection.... But I've never been rejected. icon_wink.gif
























    .....that's because I've never made a move on anyone. A win is a win though.
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    Jul 29, 2009 10:13 AM GMT
    Homolicious said.....that's because I've never made a move on anyone. A win is a win though.


    fail.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 29, 2009 10:42 AM GMT
    I guess it's about why you say no.

    I've been on dates with guys out of sheer politeness.
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    Jul 29, 2009 10:46 AM GMT
    A few years ago I would say YES it is hard for me to say no.

    But living In NYC really toughens you up.

    Im not a dick but if Im not interested in a guy I clearly tell him in enough time so he doesn't feel like he wasted his time coming up to me and saying hi because it does take a lot of courage to do that.... especially in a dense setting like a bar or club.

    Now I will continue to have a conversation with the guy, that is if his feelings are not hurt. Can't hurt to make a new friend.

    But what some people fail to realize is that not everyone is going to be into you! It seems to be branded in a man's brain(well a gay man for that matter) that you can never get rejected when in fact sometimes you don't meet that guys preferences!

    I have been rejected.... not a lot lol but it does suck but I still feel like a good looking man(which is true) even after the rejection.... guess I'm just built Ford tough icon_smile.gif


    icon_rolleyes.gif
  • gymlocker

    Posts: 159

    Jul 29, 2009 10:54 AM GMT
    Unfortunately or fortunately, most men are programmed genetically and biologically to be interested in sex at a moment's notice. It's the best way to propagate the species. As human beings, most of us are more interested in finding and establishing fulfilling, healthy, relationships.
    This conflict is what you are experiencing when you have difficulty saying no.
    Look at yourself and not the other guy next time. Think, "Am I just interested in getting off, or is this a person that I would like to get to know better?"
    If it is someone that you want to get to know better, it's probably best to not sleep with the guy right away anyway until you learn more about him. Why risk giving up your body and your health to someone that you don't really know very well?

    I met a guy once. We started out as best friends and tennis buddies. Three months into the friendship, he told me that he had genital herpes and had traveled around the US on trips, having unprotected sex with other guys without telling them he had it. He said that it was their personal responsibility to take precautions, not his personal responsibility to tell them that he had it. He had even given it to his previous partner, which caused their breakup and probably two suicide attempts. Anyway, when I discovered that my best friend, a guy that I thought I knew better than anyone in the world, could behave this way, I was pretty disgusted and hugely disappointed. That single fact ended up destroying our friendship. It just goes to show you that you need to get to know, really know someone, before you invest your time, health, and your whole self. You're better than a casual hook up and you deserve better.

    People who can't say no to someone usually lack self esteem. They see the other person's needs or wants as more important than their own, so they downplay what they feel. Just tell the guy that you're not feeling any chemistry. Most of the time they'll admit the same thing. The rest of the time they are relieved and even interested that someone could say no. Guys in particular like the "chase". They value something that is more difficult to get. One way to find out if a guy is really interested in you as a person, or interested in you as a notch on the bedpost is to tell them up front that you don't sleep with guys that you just met. If they are just sniffing around, they're gone. If they want to get to know you, and the feeling might be mutual, they're hooked. Saying no, at least up front is being honest, and respectful to yourself and the other guy. Who wouldn't want to get closer to someone like that?
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    Jul 30, 2009 1:49 AM GMT
    rawr said
    Homolicious said.....that's because I've never made a move on anyone. A win is a win though.


    fail.

    icon_evil.gif

    How dare you fail me for my insecurities. Shame.
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    Jul 30, 2009 2:01 AM GMT
    If there's no interest I had no problem declining the invite. Better that than to deal with it on the back end.
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    Jul 30, 2009 2:16 AM GMT
    gymlocker said

    I met a guy once. We started out as best friends and tennis buddies. Three months into the friendship, he told me that he had genital herpes and had traveled around the US on trips, having unprotected sex with other guys without telling them he had it. He said that it was their personal responsibility to take precautions, not his personal responsibility to tell them that he had it. He had even given it to his previous partner, which caused their breakup and probably two suicide attempts. Anyway, when I discovered that my best friend, a guy that I thought I knew better than anyone in the world, could behave this way, I was pretty disgusted and hugely disappointed. That single fact ended up destroying our friendship. It just goes to show you that you need to get to know, really know someone, before you invest your time, health, and your whole self. You're better than a casual hook up and you deserve better.



    "He said that it was their personal responsibility to take precautions, not his personal responsibility to tell them that he had it."


    That's a very selfish personality trait, also for him to put your health at risk like that reveals how reckless he can be. I don't blame you for breaking off your friendship/bond with him.


    Very interesting, thanks for sharing,