Paranoia?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 19, 2009 2:51 AM GMT
    Ok, I'm off for my holiday break, and went out clubbing. I was chatting with a couple of friends and eventually the topic of hooking up/even getting to know someone(dating - short term - it amounts to nothing...) and then going home with them came up. The majority of us pretty much expressed a "fear" or paranoia at hooking up - the horror stories that we've heard such as contracting HIV just through oral sex (and even through safer sex practices) and other not so life threatening infections/diseases like herp and such. Also, lets face it, how would you react to oral with a condom...?

    Basically what I'm asking is: does anyone else experience this paranoia, and reluctance to take things a step further? I mean I've dated guys, and wanted to do stuff, but in the end the paranoia of catching something won out over desire and trust combined.
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    Jul 19, 2009 4:54 AM GMT
    Sure, it's very common. You're right to be cautious. Everything in life involves risk, including sex. Some people choose to ride a motorcycle, others won't even drive...

    It all depends on the level of risk taking you're comfortable with and how you'd deal with the consequences if something did happen.
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    Jul 19, 2009 5:00 AM GMT

    Bottom line, get to know a person: their status, how often they test, and if they are promiscuous.Sure, we all know people who hook up a lot and are ok, but I'm not risking my well being on their luck because that is what it is. As you know, millions of examples where that luck ran out!

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    Jul 19, 2009 7:56 AM GMT
    You know, with all my experiences in life, and with gay and bi men, and all the atrocities I witnessed first hand during my time working for the gay community in the 80s. I still have to say no!

    I even had a sexual relationship with a guy for over two years, and even after asking point blank, if he was HIV + or not, he failed to tell me the truth, and you would think you would know a guy after two years.

    But then I'm not out there cruising anymore either, and my interaction with homosexuals, other than my two husbands is restricted to RJ, so I'm safe.
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    Jul 19, 2009 8:56 AM GMT
    It will be exactly 3 years this coming July 21st(my birthday), since I have had sex....all because of my paranoia...so I know exactly how you feel...fear(of contracting a disease) is absolutely crippling...I would rather burn out than fade awayicon_sad.gif
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Jul 19, 2009 12:04 PM GMT
    I loss a lot of chance to have sex with goodlooking handsome young men because I insist on condom while giving bj. One guy told me I am the only person he know off who behave like this. I know the risk is low, but I not taking it. Frankly I prefer condomless bj, but I have this paranoia I gonna get infected if I do. Except for one person, (I do it twice), I have never give bj, condomless in the last 2 years.
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    Jul 19, 2009 1:02 PM GMT
    im a huge worryer, i had sex with a guy last week, protected and everything, but i still worry about " oh shit i hope i didnt get something, i need to make sure i get checked" and it happens EVERY time i have sex. like sum1 said its crippling.
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    Jul 19, 2009 1:33 PM GMT
    its not crippling if you want to live a long healthy life.. as for me....i use x tube and the internet to get off. I am afraid of men that hide their status so i don't have sex. ill date but it usually never goes past the second date as i told them that sex is a no no..i have to trust you and know your status to be correct before i even think of that.. everywhere you look someones got the package...So it is not paranoia to actually be abstinent until the right time in your life.
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    Jul 19, 2009 1:55 PM GMT



    LOL, paranoia or self preservation? The first is pessimistic, the second practical.

    It's all in how you look at it.

    Personally, we both feel it's not paranoia - look at the continuing rates of sero-conversion....
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    Jul 19, 2009 1:59 PM GMT
    Not moralizing or anything. But for me I'd rather just watch p0rn to get off than hook up with a stranger. Not so much the fear of STD's or getting killed by some serial killer, but more because emotionless sex is just that - emotionless. I can't imagine the appeal of it. icon_confused.gif Oh, and I'm a virgin, so that's probably more of a problem than an asset. LOL
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    Jul 19, 2009 4:36 PM GMT
    Its easy to be afraid of something you don't understand and I think it is understandable for someone to be cautious.

    In addition, however, I think it is reasonable to not even want to be involved in hook-ups and easy sex. I know those things will always happen but when it gets down to it, relationships of all kind .. even romantic .. consist mainly of things non-sexual. The most rewarding and long lasting part of a relationship in not sex is what I am saying.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 19, 2009 4:40 PM GMT
    Say YES to life. No to fear.
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    Jul 19, 2009 6:41 PM GMT
    It's perfectly normal to manage your risk, and reasonable fear is right and proper. No "God" isn't going to strike you down for liking dick, but, you could get electrocuted if you work on a power line and make a simple mistake.

    We all deal with risk daily, from eating fast food, to speeding in a car, to jumping out of airplanes, or taking meds, to having sex with strangers. How we apply sound judgment to those risks is what's important. Whether, or not, we think clearly is what's important.

    E.g. smoking is, by any scientific measure, very dangerous and has very high risk. Should we do it? Of course not. But, folks choose to ignore that science, and informed risk, and we have a health care system busting at the seams as the result. Is fast foot deadly? Absolutely. Obesity kills more than other behavior and now 49%, that's right, 49% of all folks by 2010 will have a chronic disease. That's breaking our health care systems, and causing and a huge amount of pain suffering, and expenditure. Yet, folks get fat, eat fast food. Apparently, they don't have the will, discipline, or responsibility to protect and care for themselves. Fat asses are a classic example of ongoing, repeated, self-destructive behavior despite informed risks.

    As a society, we've leaned towards a feeling that the risk won't effect us, and we should live in the moment, but, that behavior has far-reaching results.

    There's a fine line between unreasonable fear, and managed risk.

    I've had very few sex partners, by choice. I don't want the risk. I don't want the drama. I don't want to be a burden on others.

    In general, I'm risk adverse, but, some folks like looking danger in the face (they lack the receptors reasonable folks do), and their brain is wired differently. That's all fine and dandy, but, often, very irresponsible, and very dangerous. If you play with fire long enough, sooner, or later, you'll get burned.

    Sex for recreation, as you speak of it, "hooking up", can give you surprises that you'll have to live for with life. Understand, the hooking up game is about disposable people, including you. You can get any of a number of disease, ripped off, stalked, put in the middle of drama, etc. You're just a fuck / hole. It you're o.k. with that, then, "live life."

    As we grow older, the judgment centers in our brain mature (at around 30), and we generally use better judgment and become more responsible to society and risk adverse and less self-indulgent.

    Nothing is without risk. That's one of the fundamental laws of being, and is quantum theory. I could dissolve and reappear in another place (it's unlikely, but, explained by quantum theory.)

    Do rubbers break? You betcha'. Do folks have disease besides HIV? Every day. Are some folks thieves, and stalkers, and nut cases? Absolutely.

    Can the pack tell you what to do? Nope. You're gonna' have to decide for yourself.

    Fear is your brain telling you it may not be a good thing. The military conditions their men on how to delay the fear response long enough to deal with it in the front part of the brain instead of the brain stem. Fear is there to protect you from harm. Pain, too.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 19, 2009 8:01 PM GMT
    There are many ways to practice safe sex with a tangible sex partner,and I don't mean an inflatable one.I would never use fear as a justification for not doing something if there was a safe way to accomplish the action.Especially when sex between two men is so pleasurable when you include senses that are not yet available on cam.And thankfully they are not yet available on cam.
    Imagine a rubber hand that your cam friend could control.What fun!
    I hope he buys you dinner first.
    My point is,go out,meet guys,get to know them,if you like him and sex is something you want to do,do it but do it safe.Remember,every guy is not infected with an std or hiv.Would you want people to assume that you are infected with something just because you are gay? I think that you would be very offended.
    Remember something else,the guy you turn down at the bar because of your fear might have the same fears as you,he might be completely healthy.
  • Rookz

    Posts: 947

    Jul 19, 2009 8:04 PM GMT
    Use the fear to empower you.

    Use the fear and ask the questions which need to be asked.

    You now have a choice: either get as much information as you can, or live with paranoia AND stupidity.
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    Jul 19, 2009 8:33 PM GMT
    withHonor saidUse the fear to empower you.

    Use the fear and ask the questions which need to be asked.

    You now have a choice: either get as much information as you can, or live with paranoia AND stupidity.


    Oh give it a break.
    That post was about as helpful as plastic wiring and probably answered my question on a scale of 0-10 at about..... zero.













    p.s you're an idiot. Ad hominem attack for what?
  • Rookz

    Posts: 947

    Jul 19, 2009 8:43 PM GMT
    You asked for advice and it was to combat paranoia. There was no need to butter up advice when the hard truth was needed to be given. What I have shared is the basic gist of it. No need to add frills. No need to dress it up.

    There's no need to fall into the paranoia when you should turn that subject or feeling around. "Ok, I'm feeling paranoid, but what can I do? How can I help myself?"

    "What do I have control of?"

    And the name calling? In the school of tit-for-tat, your elementary, I'm college. But the down-right truth of it all, I'm not going to waste anymore energy on you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 19, 2009 8:57 PM GMT
    withHonor saidNo honey, you are.

    You asked for advice and it was to combat paranoia. There was no need to butter up advice when the hard truth was needed to be given. What I have shared is the basic gist of it. No need to add frills. No need to dress it up.

    There's no need to fall into the paranoia when you should turn that subject or feeling around. "Ok, I'm feeling paranoid, but what can I do? How can I help myself?"

    "What do I have control of?"



    Your attempt to patronise me really isn't working, in fact it's ridiculous;
    I didn't ask for advice, I asked other for other peoples' opinions. Perhaps, though, if you read into it, it could also be a request to hear other experiences similar to my own (dating, but cutting it off). Therefore you not only fail, but you fail spectacularly.

    Turning safer sex around really doesn't work... Sex is never 100% "safe" that's why when a condom is used it is referred to as safer.

    If I was to use your thinking, the outcome would either be: abstinency for the rest of my life. (yeah right). Or just start sleeping around and contract something unpleasant or either not catch something, which in turn will lead to more hook ups, which in turn will heighten the risk. This I'm sure you can see, with your "superior" intelligence, is a catch 22, thereby rendering it ineffective.
    All I have control of is who I sleep with and if that sex is safer or not.

    Give your forum warrior crusades a break, 'cos you're shit at it. I'm sure if there was tough love needed in my case, chucky would not have hesitated to hammer home a thing.

    Also, in your original reply, you insinuated that I'm stupid, this I can assure you is not the case, and I have demonstrated this by disseminating your 2nd post.

    Therefore, I conclude, that your inability to read my OP and gather what I was asking combined with your ad hominem attacks, renders you the one lacking in intelligence.

    THX K BAI!
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    Jul 19, 2009 10:44 PM GMT


    Your BODY IS YOUR TEMPLE and one shot at making this crazy thing called life wrk is all you get ( last update frm god) So knowing this you should treat it as such. Your not immune to LIARS, ASSHOLES, and COWARDS who neglect to tell the truth when it really counts. Live well my friend and live w/ longevity!
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    Jul 20, 2009 12:01 AM GMT
    I used to be crippled with fear everytime I hooked up as well. I have only had anal sex once, and that was with a condom, but I freaked out really bad after it was over, and have never done it since. That was 2005.

    In terms of hooking up, I've been known to do it, but I take precautions. I think it's all about how much risk you're willing to take. HIV studies have shown repeatedly that contracting HIV through oral receptive sex is extremely low. I've asked the guy at The Body and aidsmeds.com (because everytime I'd engage in oral, I'd work myself up into believing I got HIV).

    Can you get other things from oral? Absolutely. It's just all about using sound judgement, and at times, taking that risk. Sometimes it's easier to think with the head between your legs than the one on top of your shoulders......

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    Jul 20, 2009 2:07 AM GMT


    Well, there is that thin line between being brave or being foolish. Fear is useful as it is the brother of caution (although it is the rather loud and hysterical brother, lol)

  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jul 20, 2009 2:25 AM GMT
    Should you be fearful? Yes there is something out there You Should fear

    But you can't be crippled with this fear either
    Sex puts your body at risk for a number of diseases
    but what you do to protect yourself can minimize those risks

    The most protection you can have is not to have sex
    But what kind of proection is that?
    Then you might as well not be gay

    The next thing you need to do is use your brain
    It might be sexy to go to a club and find the hottest guy in the room and find some closet somewhere or click on the hottest picture on the net without asking a word but that's not a smart strategy
    and it's going to put you at risk
    When someone puts on their profile under safe sex ... sometimes
    that's a big huge red flag
    You have to use condoms ... all the time

    Now comes the question
    do you use a condom for oral sex?
    Right now the medical advise is that using a condom will be more protective
    but the risk during oral sex is much less than that for unprotected anal sex
    I;m not saying that there is No risk
    esp if you happen to have any open wound on you lip mouth or throat
    but the HIV virus does not do well if there is not immediate transfer from one bloodstream to another
    saliva tends to kill it fairly fast if there is Not that immediate transfer

    There Is risk but being ALIVE is risky ... it all depends on how alive you wanna be
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Jul 20, 2009 6:07 AM GMT
    You need to see a shrink.
    Paranoia keeps you from enjoying life.