My boyfriends exes

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 21, 2009 7:22 AM GMT
    There are a lot of them. I've always known they were around, but increasingly I'm finding it hard to cope with them and it's threatening to break us up.

    We've been together for 8 months, we went into it very quickly. Me 32, him 35.

    I have always had a problem with him seeing his exes, because they are not relationship exes, they are former booty calls. Their relationship was always entirely sexual but they have became friends.

    In all cases, the previous encounters between my bf and his lovers ended with my bf breaking it off. Sometimes after a few weeks, other times after a few months.

    He insists on still seeing them, but says they are platonic. What gets to me is that some of them were people who he cheated on his previous boyfriend with.

    He says he is a new person, that he has given up his old ways and now believes in monogamy. However in the past week alone he went out with one previous lover on a Saturday night, and stayed out till 3am.

    Today, he is going out with a 23 year old who he cheated on his last bf multiple times. What I find amazing is that I have just had a week off work, and now today, not yesterday, nor any of the 3 days off I had last week, nor at the weekend, he is having "lunch" with a man 12 years younger than him, who used to be infatuated with him, with whom my bf cheated on his last boyfriend with. This 23 year old does not know I exist.

    I have had to prise this out of my bf over the last 24 hours. He was being sheepish about what plans he had for today. He says I have to trust. I am trying to trust but feel he's making it seriously difficult.

    Dealbreaker?
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    Jul 21, 2009 8:54 AM GMT
    I would just move on. Monogamy my ass. Seems like he picks the booty calls over you...IMO
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    Jul 21, 2009 1:44 PM GMT
    It's a tough call. Given his history, and the nature of these other "involvements" he must realize that it is possible you would assume that he is cheating on you. This is especially true if you have been in a similar situation in the past (ie. a bf saying he was only friends with someone and was actually cheating on them). As such, your radar is finely tuned and you can pick up on the familiar signals.

    On the other hand, he might be on the up-and-up. Although you don't mention it, I assume that he became "just friends" with with these men BEFORE he started seeing you. This is hardly unheard of in the gay community -- I know many former bfs/lovers/fuck buddies who became good friends, even best friends, after they stopped having a sexual relationship. You have no evidence to suggest he's seeing these men other than platonically, and he may be hesitant to tell you of any time he plans to spend with them because of your reaction (while you see it as justified, he could see it as insecurity). If they are genuine friends, then he shouldn't have to give them up because you worry that he MIGHT cheat on you with them. Have you tried to get to know any of these men? If so, what is the vibe you get from them?


    It does come down to trust. If the situation makes you uncomfortable, you have to take control of your own life & leave him, as so far he has done nothing actually wrong that would require him to decide between you and them.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Jul 21, 2009 1:46 PM GMT
    mac, if you are looking for a long term, exclusive relationship....i suggest to you that your current bf is not the man you desire.
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    Jul 21, 2009 10:12 PM GMT
    I'm feeling very blunt today. I apologize.

    Trust, if your relationship doesn't have it you shouldn't be in it.

    Simple right?

    If you cannot trust him, you should not be in it.

    i'll say it again

    IF YOU TRULY CAN'T TRUST YOUR BF THEN WHY THE HELL ARE YOU WITH HIM?

    Would you truly invest this much time and even consider possibly building a life with a man who YOU CANNOT TRUST?

    every other detail in your post is pointless, I say this solely off of the fact YOU ARE SAYING YOU HAVE NO TRUST IN YOUR BOYFRIEND

    I hope this has helped.
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    Jul 21, 2009 10:27 PM GMT
    macbookfiend saidDealbreaker?

    I doubt he's remaining monogamous with you. You must decide whether that breaks the understanding you had with him, or can be repaired.

    Some guys will never be monogamous, others not until they're pretty old and aren't getting a lot of offers, a kind of imposed monogamy. A few others are truly monogamous at any age.

    Most of us say we want the truly monogamous type, but how many of us reciprocate? Men are pigs, and most will cheat if given the chance. Statistics prove it.

    So you may be facing a choice: accept it, reject it, or confront him and patch it up. Knowing neither of you, I can't advise you further.
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    Jul 21, 2009 11:43 PM GMT
    Red_Vespa said
    macbookfiend saidDealbreaker?

    I doubt he's remaining monogamous with you. You must decide whether that breaks the understanding you had with him, or can be repaired.

    Some guys will never be monogamous, others not until they're pretty old and aren't getting a lot of offers, a kind of imposed monogamy. A few others are truly monogamous at any age.

    Most of us say we want the truly monogamous type, but how many of us reciprocate? Men are pigs, and most will cheat if given the chance. Statistics prove it.

    So you may be facing a choice: accept it, reject it, or confront him and patch it up. Knowing neither of you, I can't advise you further.



    How true, I totally agree with you Red Vespa! I am monogamous through and through, and even thou it hasn't been easy and often not so desirable by the large majority of men in the gay world, who for the most part don't care to be faithful; I still refuse to give up my loyalty for the one I choose to love, that is why I prefer to be in a relationship with someone who shares the same set of values and have mutual respect for one another!!!


    If I were in the OP''s shoes I would break away from that relationship pronto!!!
    it seems that the BF wants to have the cake and eat it too!


    ♥ Leandro ♥


  • FrontRowIn

    Posts: 133

    Jul 21, 2009 11:46 PM GMT
    Seems to me like you already know the answer. Looks like you're hoping people tell you what you want to hear. Possibly some wise advice, but the truth is the truth. Sounds like you are uncomfortable with his past. If you're not going to be able to get past that, it's unfair to stay with him.

    It's also illogical to stay with someone who is always going to have you wondering. I'd let him find someone who doesn't have a problem with it.
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    Jul 21, 2009 11:48 PM GMT
    He goes out with old boyfriends, till 3 am?




    Red Flag.
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    Jul 21, 2009 11:52 PM GMT
    its hard to tell but what type of man your boyfriend could be....but to think rationally...hes still seeing these casual encounters of his.....and choosing to spend more time with them.....i think you ought to stop seeing him before things get more confusing..