Getting some things off my chest about my family

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 21, 2009 1:16 PM GMT
    Just had to get a couple of things off my chest about issues with my family and then I will move on and leave it alone.

    I just spent the past weekend in Chicago I visited with both of my sisters, nieces and nephews. Had a great time with the family.

    My one sister has 4 kids so obviously it is expensive for them to do any traveling and their argument is there is only one of me. It is true and very logical argument. My sister( with the kids) and her family (husband and kids) kept saying to me , "You need to come here. It's too much trouble for us to come there."

    I live in Florida where my mom and dad reside. They are elderly and their health isnt great. The responsiblity for their care falls on me. This sister and her family do NOTHING to help in terms of care for my mom. I dont expect it since she has 4 kids. (FYI my other sister though she has no kids but lives in Chicago does alot for our parents) My mom cant travel so regardless of their inability to afford. If they want their kids to see grandparents , they have to come here.

    In addition to this, I have a cousin I am close to who lives in the North Dakota area. I havent been able to visit him, his wife, and now 2 kids. They are about to do a job transfer will be move them to Vegas. I jokingly said , I'm coming. My aunt hinted at the fact that "the only ones that are invited are so and so and so and so(basically the ones who visited them).

    I have opened up my home to all these family members repeatedly( I live at the beach) and never get any appreciation for the fact that I have always been a most gracious host. They assume because I dont have kids that I can afford to fly off anywhere I want to, leave my job at the drop of a hat, and that I have no responsbility. They ignore the fact that I do have a job with responsiblity and cant leave it whenever I want. They also forget that I am taking care of a mother who is severely ill( She is being tested for possible lung transplant surgery just to point out how ill she is).

    I know they have kids and have a whole set of responsilities that I could never imagine but I am taking on heavy responsbilities as well and would just like some equity in consideration. Considering the fact that I totally understand when they are not able to do something I want ( They have kids and limited finances as well) . This is why I dont bitch about it at all to them ( I get their pressures). Am I being unfair to them in wanting some equal understanding/consideration?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 21, 2009 1:48 PM GMT
    There is absolutely nothing wrong with what you are feeling.

    I was once in a similar situation with my mom and her older sister. My aunt had 5 kids and my mom just me, but I was the one to visit, take them out to eat, shopping for them, etc. I was sick of it, but my mom only had me and my cousins were pretty much failures even though we came from the same environnment. My mom and her sister lived together after us kids were grown and out of the house. My mom was the sheriff of the family in her generation and as much as I hated it, it fell to me when I became an adult. Long story short, my mom and my aunt were always supportive of me and always came to anything I was involved in until she, my mom, got sick. After she died, I pretty much divorced that part of the family and haven't looked back since.

    For your situation, I would just lay it out for the one who has kids. She is taking care of her kids and you are taking care of the parents. After that, you both are pretty much even-house, job, bills, ect. She needs to understand that. As to your cousin, I don't think your aunt really can have any say about you coming to aid in the move to vegas. That is between you and your cousin and quite frankly, she should but out of that. Besides, who turns down help for a move that is volunteered?

    At the end of the day, it has to be about your peace of mind. As long as you maintain that, everything else is cake. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 21, 2009 1:52 PM GMT
    I hear stories like this from gay guys all the time. I don't know if the common denominator is the causative factor of being single, or being gay, or both. But I hear complaints about "traditional" family members taking advantage of the gay one all the time.

    To include from my own partner. He's got 1 surviving brother and 1 sister, both of whom are quite nice to me, I really like them, and generally good with him. But the widowed sister, who lives not far from us, thinks nothing of calling either one of us at short notice to take her for a lengthy ride to the airport, since she travels a lot.

    And if it interferes with our existing plans, which long preceded her last-minute request, she acts like we're being selfish and inconsiderate. We usually take her, and with good grace, sacrificing our own arrangements, except once when I was too ill to drive and his business meeting could not be postponed. We like helping her, but the selfish assumption that we have nothing better to do is a bit annoying.

    His real complaint involves his numerous nephews & nieces from the total of his 4 siblings, 2 older now deceased. Except for a single niece, they never show any interest in their uncle, even when he was dealing with cancer 5 years ago (now cured). But if they need something for themselves, they're quick to phone, and expect nice presents from him for their school-age children at birthdays and graduations.

    He tells me they see him as a childless "maiden" uncle because he's gay, which they all know, with no personal interests that take precedence over the extended family. After his partner died, one niece even contacted him to say she assumed she would now inherent all his property, since she was the oldest child of his oldest sister.

    I hate to break the news to her, but I've seen the will, and she gets zip. In fact, it all goes to me should that happen, but I do plan to distribute it among his family, particularly the heirloom items, which I would never dream of withholding from them. I wouldn't even consider them really my property, just the caretaker.

    So what you're experiencing yourself actually doesn't sound that unusual to me, sad to say. I think some of us can expect this kind of uneven treatment within our families when we're gay, because they don't view us as part of their "club." Their family needs outrank our gay ones, and we will often be the maiden uncle who is there to serve the family, but not fully benefit from it, to take care of the elderly parents but not to be taken care of himself.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 21, 2009 2:41 PM GMT
    Thanks I just needed to bounce this around a little. It's not really one statement or action but an amalgramation of many small incidents that added up for me. For me , it was the constant 'you come here' in terms of flying and then 'you 're not invited' because you dont visit. I wont really mention it to them, but I think I will mention the fact that ' I'm not invited' when they want to so conveniently use my home.

    Again, thanks just needed to know if I was being selfish about this. I appreciate you guys listening.