Leniency

  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2382

    Jul 22, 2009 8:15 PM GMT
    What is something that you would be less strict with if you met a guy that you really liked and got along with and he met every standard or was everything you wanted in a guy. For example, you met an awesome guy BUT he is messy or smokes or something. Would you end it or accept it? Would you try to change it?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 22, 2009 11:42 PM GMT
    people are not perfect and no one on this planet will ever reach any standards I set, people are not machines, they are fluid, alive, thinking and feeling..

    if he reaches a huge amount towards "awesome" then I'll look over heaps of things..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 23, 2009 8:59 AM GMT
    lilTanker saidpeople are not perfect and no one on this planet will ever reach any standards I set, people are not machines, they are fluid, alive, thinking and feeling..

    if he reaches a huge amount towards "awesome" then I'll look over heaps of things..


    Well said.

    People are people and each do different things. If he seemed right for you, even if he had one 'bad' habit or something that you didn't like, then you owe it to yourself and to him to at least give it a try. You never know how things will work out!

    You could be letting everything you need slip by just because of something small you have a problem with.

    Obviously if it was high drug abuse or something of the like, then it is a different story..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 23, 2009 1:47 PM GMT
    Smoking to me is not a small hurdle to overcome. Being messy is.

    For me personally I have a big problem with smoking. For all the usual reasons yes, but also because I have lost a lot of family members to the effects of cigarettes and in my head I can't handle the future where I have to watch someone I care about not just die from cancer, but also go through all the struggles that happen before you finally die from it. I know people who had to endure losing a lip, losing their esophagus, etc. and battle the side effects of radiation and chemo therapy.

    We KNOW smoking kills. Smoking is a non negotiable habit that I can't accept in a life partner. If they desperately want to quit I can handle it and I would be the strongest advocate and supporter. But someone that doesn't care about themselves and what people who love them will have to endure in the future... well I won't bring that time bomb into my life.

    They say that dying is harder for the people left behind.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 23, 2009 1:57 PM GMT
    It's a personal issue. Being a druggie is a deal-breaker for me; I won't even have him for a friend, and don't want that stuff anywhere near me. So is being an out-of-control alcoholic.

    Smoking is more problematic; both my late partner and several BFs were smokers, but I do find it a hassle and imposition I'd rather not have. Messy isn't too bad, and I'll help you straighten up after yourself. Total pig is a no-go.

    Your own answer will be different, but my general attitude is that if a guy can overlook my own flaws, then I must overlook his, within reason. As Tanker says, there are no perfect people.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19119

    Jul 23, 2009 2:03 PM GMT
    Smoking is a deal breaker for me. It's just gross and so unhealthy. I'm into guys who live a healthy fitness-minded lifestyle, and smoking goes against the grain of that...as does drug use or excessive drinking.

    As for messy --- Messy = Lazy. That's a hurdle that can be overcome with a little training LOL.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 23, 2009 2:13 PM GMT
    If your expectations for a relationship are for the perfect guy to fall into your lap then you will never have a long term relationship. Relationships are hard work. You have to work on his being messy and he has to work on your many flaws. But, in the end, people are very difficult to change and rather than working on someone you spend more time working on yourself, learning how to become more tolerant and how to bear the burden of picking his dirty underwear off the bathroom floor.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Jul 23, 2009 2:20 PM GMT
    MunchingZombie saidIf your expectations for a relationship are for the perfect guy to fall into your lap then you will never have a long term relationship. Relationships are hard work. You have to work on his being messy and he has to work on your many flaws. But, in the end, people are very difficult to change and rather than working on someone you spend more time working on yourself, learning how to become more tolerant and how to bear the burden of picking his dirty underwear off the bathroom floor.


    No, relationships shouldn't be work. Your real soulmate will accept you 100% for who you are and you him. You'll merge into a single being who will never need contact with the outside world again.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 23, 2009 2:24 PM GMT
    To me, it's the difference between a deal breaker and an annoyance.

    Like CuriousJockAZ, smoking is a deal-breaker as would be financial irresponsibility or prideful ignorance. Fortunately, I waited it out and ended up with the ideal man to me.

    You need to decide what you can live with or not before you make the commitment. The idea of intending to change someone or assuming that you will become accepting of something you don't accept currently is a path to failure. You also need to accept that if you're going to have standards that you live by, then you need to realize that there's a price and a prize to maintaining those standards. So if your standards are impossible to be met, then you best be happy alone. If your standards are low, then you best be happy with mediocrity.

    You are human and so is your potential partner. Try and keep that in mind. If you expect perfection, you'd better expect to be perfect in his eyes as well and realize that his standards may be as unrealistic as your standards.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 23, 2009 2:28 PM GMT
    Just remembered a case in point about drugs: I wanted to visit a major city some 250 miles away, to attend a monthly meeting of a gay naturist (nudist) group I'd never met before. Really! I also had been chatting online with a gay guy from that same city who sounded nice, though not a member nor interested in that group.

    He offered to put me up at his place when I mentioned my plans online. That was a great deal, and I'd get to meet him, see how things played out between us, and I drove my car to his house. He seemed like a really nice guy in person, and I started to get my hopes up.

    But I wasn't there a few hours when some real dirt-bag character rang the doorbell, and as I puttered around in the kitchen, I could overhear a drug deal was going down with my host! They stayed near the front doorway, perhaps because of me.

    And I'm thinking: "This is the making of a classic drug bust, dummies standing in the doorway, and here I am, right in the middle of it. I may eventually be able to prove my innocence in court, or maybe not, but what a bitch it'll be! The police will arrest everyone in the house. I don't need this!"

    I attended the gay naturist meeting that night as planned, some really nice guys. They accepted my application to join, and I learned the members offered lodging to out-of-towners in their own homes. I got the phone number of a guy who seemed eager to spend more time with me. There's nothing sexual during these club gatherings, BTW.

    Next day my host did another drug deal while I was there, and was on drugs himself from what I could tell. That was it. I phoned this club guy from the night before, and asked him if he'd like to put me up for the rest of the weekend. He agreed, and I left for there almost immediately.

    We became friends, BTW, spending that first night in his bed (which I never did with the first guy). I continued to stay with him for over a year during subsequent visits for monthly meetings and other trips to that city, becoming sort of long-distance BFs.

    His only real drawback was a vicious dog that hated everyone but its owner, and had to locked up all the time I was there, and barked its displeasure constantly. We never did take it further, and eventually I moved away. To the list of non-leniency items I would therefore add: owning a dog that wants to kill you! LOL!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 23, 2009 2:28 PM GMT
    Ditto what Timberoo said. Nobody's perfect, and relationships, whether friendships or lifelong require compromise and acceptance. None of us can see ourselves as others see us.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 23, 2009 2:48 PM GMT
    Timberoo saidNo, relationships shouldn't be work. Your real soulmate will accept you 100% for who you are and you him. You'll merge into a single being who will never need contact with the outside world again.


    And that is why I am not relationship material. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Jul 23, 2009 3:07 PM GMT
    MunchingZombie said
    Timberoo saidNo, relationships shouldn't be work. Your real soulmate will accept you 100% for who you are and you him. You'll merge into a single being who will never need contact with the outside world again.


    And that is why I am not relationship material. icon_biggrin.gif


    I'll stop the world and melt with you. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 23, 2009 3:13 PM GMT
    There goes that nasty word again "change". You either accept that person with all their proclivities’ or move on. For me smoking is a nasty habit I dislike so on that one I'd move on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 23, 2009 3:37 PM GMT
    Timberoo saidNo, relationships shouldn't be work. Your real soulmate will accept you 100% for who you are and you him. You'll merge into a single being who will never need contact with the outside world again.


    you ARE joking? RIght? the "merge into a single being who will never need contact with the outside world again" sounds horrible. Relationships of all kinds involve some forbearance: I don´t believe in perfect people. However, if it´s more work than fun you need someone else.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 23, 2009 4:03 PM GMT
    Lostboy said
    Timberoo saidNo, relationships shouldn't be work. Your real soulmate will accept you 100% for who you are and you him. You'll merge into a single being who will never need contact with the outside world again.


    you ARE joking? RIght? the "merge into a single being who will never need contact with the outside world again" sounds horrible. Relationships of all kinds involve some forbearance: I don´t believe in perfect people. However, if it´s more work than fun you need someone else.






    you will be assimilated.

    resistance is futile.
  • UFJocknerd

    Posts: 392

    Jul 23, 2009 4:07 PM GMT
    I'm pretty sure Timberoo was being sarcastic.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Jul 23, 2009 4:37 PM GMT
    I think the premise of your question is flawed. Expecting that you can "change" a person is setting yourself -- and the relationship -- for failure. Sure, some people are willing to change certain things, but in most cases those things don't last and the person reverts to old behaviors. The person has to want to change themselves. So, if you can't accept the particular imperfection in the person, or at least tolerate it, then you should probably try to find someone else. Life and relationships are about compromise.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Jul 23, 2009 4:52 PM GMT
    Lostboy said
    Timberoo saidNo, relationships shouldn't be work. Your real soulmate will accept you 100% for who you are and you him. You'll merge into a single being who will never need contact with the outside world again.


    you ARE joking? RIght? the "merge into a single being who will never need contact with the outside world again" sounds horrible. Relationships of all kinds involve some forbearance: I don´t believe in perfect people. However, if it´s more work than fun you need someone else.



    yes, I was joking
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 23, 2009 5:11 PM GMT
    Hahaha. good. There WAS someone a while back saying that if you had to work at a relationship you should end it as relationships should only ever be fun.

    icon_rolleyes.gif