A VULNERABILITY OF THE NEWLY OUT GAY MAN

  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jul 22, 2009 9:09 PM GMT
    I had the opportunity to visit with a RJ member last night for the first time by phone.
    He is in his 50's, out for about 3 years after a long marriage and 2 children, one of which is 28 and still requiring some parental direction. Has a successful job, has had some issues with his divorce from his wife, struggling with things many guys do.. weight control and direction in his life. Above all, let me say I was impressed with what this man has had to undergo. I very much enjoyed the conversation.

    The impetus for my phone call was this member's friendship with another gay man.
    The other man (non RJ member) is 48, "gorgeous" guy (according to the member),
    someone who appealed to our member and he got to know this other guy (and since has developed some in common friendships with others who know both men).
    The "gorgeous" man is out of a recent 2.5 year abusive relationship. According to
    the RJ member, this guy is very superficial, only dating men with whom he'd want to be seen or was "appopriate". He is apparently very self centered. The RJer told me that the "group" is always very supportive of this guy and is "nursing him along in his hours of need" (thats my interpretation).

    Here, our RJ member admitted he wants friendship, wants
    to date and be involved with other men. He has gone through heartache and tough times..... He became intrigued with this gentleman.. and is now a "crutch" for him.
    When our member relayed a recent health scare his 28 year son had, the "gorgeous man" said (without even asking about the son's condition) "Thats why we can't be involved, I don't want kids". I was amazed. Apparently our member continues to listen, help out, show concern.... without getting much in return. He had to give up his long time residence and move recently. The "gorgeous man" offered no support.

    The point of the discussion is the vulnerability of many (regardless of age) during rapid life changes. Its great to reach out to others in hopes of inspiring new friendships, to get to know and be supportive of others... but don't you deserve the same in return? If the answer is no, I think a change of direction should be employed. Our member had the guts to come out to his wife of 31 years, his church, his friends...without much support. I was inspired by what he said to me.
    He deserves much happiness.


  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jul 22, 2009 9:27 PM GMT
    Tell your phone friend to drop the "gorgeous" guy
    and get his mind onto things that are more important

    How many times does someone have to say, mime and/or shout I'M NOT GOING TO BE THERE FOR YOU Before he gets it?

    There are other gays guys .... gorgeous and not so gorgeous that will be there for him
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    Jul 23, 2009 5:17 AM GMT
    Glad to see someone has his back and I hope you inspire him to drop the luggage and move forward and away frm this guy!
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    Jul 23, 2009 7:53 PM GMT
    GQjock saidTell your phone friend to drop the "gorgeous" guy
    and get his mind onto things that are more important

    How many times does someone have to say, mime and/or shout I'M NOT GOING TO BE THERE FOR YOU Before he gets it?

    There are other gays guys .... gorgeous and not so gorgeous that will be there for him



    NO SHIT!!!! I couldn't agree MORE! Guys like "Mr. Gorgeous" are absolute POISON! And all too many gay guys get sucked in by them.

    (BTW: Voice of experience--counseling and life have helped me get much more perspective. I don't want this to happen to anyone else).
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    Jul 23, 2009 7:57 PM GMT
    GQjock saidTell your phone friend to drop the "gorgeous" guy
    and get his mind onto things that are more important

    How many times does someone have to say, mime and/or shout I'M NOT GOING TO BE THERE FOR YOU Before he gets it?

    There are other gays guys .... gorgeous and not so gorgeous that will be there for him


    I have to agree. I couldn't have said it better myself. I wish this man the best and hope things work out for him.
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    Jul 23, 2009 9:17 PM GMT
    A lot of parallels with my own late coming out, and first gay relationships. Good job of reaching out to him. I agree with those here who are dubious of the 48-year-old, at least as being a suitable match for the RJ member. Please keep us informed, insofar as ethics and his wishes permit.