Treacherous: Dating Friends of Friends

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 23, 2009 4:49 AM GMT
    So I am/was dating this guy whom I know through a group of friends. I didn't know him well but thought he was cute so I asked him out. We clicked pretty well. I knew through our friends that he had just been seeing someone. I was happy to just have made a new friend that I really felt a connection with. I was attracted to him, but I would be happy to have a new friend that I really got along with.

    Then things heated up and we ended up going home and having sex. It was great and I felt a chemistry there. We texted regularly. He would send things like "I wish we were cuddling right now" that sent the signal that there was real potential there. A few weeks into it he even asked me to help him after Lasik surgery and he spent the evening and next day with me at my place.

    Then I made the mistake of using the "us" pronoun in a conversation I got the "I'm not ready for a committed relationship" line and I was of course disappointed. I wasn't asking to be boyfriends (yet) but I guess my word choices spooked him. I have good friends who are able to help me cut through the BS and I interpreted it (correctly I think) as "I'm not that into you."

    He said he liked spending time with me. He likes the way I make him feel. That he wanted to continue dating. Even when I came out and asked, "Do we need to take it down a notch and label it something else like Fuck Buddy" he said no. Fast forward a few weeks. I initiated one dinner. I got one random text over a week later. And I ended up at a brunch with our mutual friends (that he did not invite me to). To me this does not sound or feel like dating. So I have resolved the situation in my head just fine as far as knowing that I don't assume anything is left there...

    The big problem is that we have a lot of very good friends in common and its inevitable that we are going to be seeing each other quite regularly. With any other guy I would either tell him off, or being classy would just remove his number from my phone (lest I be tempted to drunk dial/text him) and forget about him. I can't do that here unless I forget about all our common friends... or at least any gathering where we might both be invited.

    So given those circumstances how should I proceed? Do I just avoid contacting him and try to act as civil as I can when I see him? Do I tell him that he handled things poorly and that if we are supposed to still be dating that one dinner and one text in a month doesn't really work. Do I avoid all situations where I might see him? Of course my favorite option is to have one of the hot hunks from RealJock on my arm next time I go to a party, but until I have one I am stuck wondering how to navigate these waters. As the one who was scorn I run the risk of being the crazy or jilted or obsessed one...

    What would you do in this situation?!?


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 23, 2009 9:07 AM GMT
    If it was me, I would be very tempted to just let things go and be civil if I had ever run into him, but continue on my merry way. It would make it harder if you did begin to hold resentment, your other friendships would be at stake.

    You a cute guy and I doubt you would have any drama finding someone else that isn't going to stuff you around.

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    Jul 23, 2009 9:19 AM GMT
    I think in situations like these it's up to you to dictate how the dynamic between you two plays out. You can either ignore him, in which case he'll ignore you and it'll make it uneasy for your mutual friends.

    Personally, I would take the higher road and just act nice, normal and friendly toward him any time you see him, in particular when you are both out with a group of friends. At best you can maybe bring it back to being friends; icing on the cake is that you can re-spark whatever is there.

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    Jul 23, 2009 9:56 AM GMT
    well he's being childish by not being open and honest about the lay of the land.

    so, leave him as he is, if you end up spending time around him with friends about, be friendly as you were before you two got together and don't bring it up.

    If he attempts to talk about it with you, go do something else.. if he brings it up with friends about, be completely blunt in a way that leaves him and everyone else knowing that it's completely over, there is no options about of anything else and you've gotten on with everything!

    he might seem like a nice guy, but he was being deceptive and closed off, there are better more worthwhile guys out there to play with.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jul 23, 2009 10:52 AM GMT
    What you do is make believe the entire affair was a figment of your imagination
    If you see him at a friend's house you say hello and be civil
    No one will bring it up
    and you'll see you're worrying about nothing
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 23, 2009 11:45 AM GMT
    I would just put him in my friend category. You had some fun but he still had baggage from his last relationship. Give it some time, he may change his mind when he is ready to start dating. If not, when you see him. Say hello and keep it moving.
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Jul 23, 2009 11:47 AM GMT
    just let it go. Act like you never dated or had sex. Be civil as if he was just another friend you knew well. Don't give him any satisfaction, if he was looking for it. Sometimes it takes the stroke of a prostrate to stroke and ego.
  • Mikeylikesit

    Posts: 1021

    Jul 23, 2009 12:30 PM GMT
    Well....I dont see a big problem with it.....You where friends, had a chesitry thing goin on.....it is common to want to get the sexual tension thing out of the way with your friends....at least thats how it works with me....I fucked around with most all my close friends....icon_eek.gif
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    Jul 23, 2009 12:34 PM GMT
    Thanks guys. Very sound advice.

    I should add that the big deal is that I started falling pretty hard. It wasn't just friends who messed around (I too have had sex with probably the majority of my friends). I actually did want a relationship.

    I could have maybe been cool with whatever if I felt like I was being dealt with in an straightforward manner. The reason it is difficult is that I feel mislead and I WANT to tell him to go fuck himself. But the lady in me knows better. Especially for the sake of the friendships with people we know in common.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Jul 23, 2009 2:49 PM GMT
    Every try talking to the guy? Sounds like you need closure. Tell him you really liked him, and are sorry things didn't work out, but the way he acted was hurt you. Don't try to mend things. Just tell him how you feel, civilly, and then make a clean break.
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    Jul 23, 2009 3:03 PM GMT
    lilTanker saidwell he's being childish by not being open and honest about the lay of the land.

    so, leave him as he is, if you end up spending time around him with friends about, be friendly as you were before you two got together and don't bring it up.

    If he attempts to talk about it with you, go do something else.. if he brings it up with friends about, be completely blunt in a way that leaves him and everyone else knowing that it's completely over, there is no options about of anything else and you've gotten on with everything!

    he might seem like a nice guy, but he was being deceptive and closed off, there are better more worthwhile guys out there to play with.



    We both think lilTanker's advice is dynamite, wildepete, and worth repeating.
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    Jul 23, 2009 5:51 PM GMT
    wildepete saidThanks guys. Very sound advice.

    The reason it is difficult is that I feel mislead and I WANT to tell him to go fuck himself.


    I totally agree with the other posters, but I'll add this based on your comment above: The greater your desire to have some interaction/confrontation/whatever with this guy, the more important it is for you to overcome that desire and just be cool and totally regular when you're around him.

    This is because:
    1) You don't want to let your emotions control you -- it really is important to learn to control them. This is a great exercise in that.

    2) The stronger your feelings, the greater the chance you'll say or do something stupid if you do have an interaction/confrontation/whatever with him.

  • DanielQQ

    Posts: 365

    Jul 23, 2009 6:11 PM GMT
    He sounds like a guy who abhors expectations placed on him. And, well, you placed expectations on him. In fact, you still do. In all likelihood, the best approach to have taken with this guy was to just let things flow organically, see where they lead without placing any expectations. That may not be your style. Personally, I don't think this guy was being childish or deceptive from what you have said so far. I think he was into you and somewhere along the path he became disinterested.

    As far as how to proceed, I suppose it depends on what you want from him. Given your emotional state and where he's at, I'd suggest keeping your distance from him (which means being polite but not engaging him when you see him). If he wants to approach you and talk about it, though, I'd say give him a chance, but just don't allow him to string you along.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 23, 2009 6:18 PM GMT
    Sometimes synchronicity is an elusive bitch.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Jul 23, 2009 6:20 PM GMT
    It didn't work out. Don't waste time being angry or assigning blame. Just let it go however you can and be civil.
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    Jul 23, 2009 6:29 PM GMT

    Sometimes you have to read between the lines. HE SAID, he didn't want to be your fuck buddy, but you feel tension anytime the two of you aren't in bed, but great chemistry when you are. I think this should answer your question. If you can get around the fact that you want more and just concentrate on you found a hot bed mate (which, those aren't easy to come by), there shouldn't be any tension at all when the two of you run into eachother.

  • danisnotstr8

    Posts: 2579

    Jul 23, 2009 6:38 PM GMT
    DanielQQ saidHe sounds like a guy who abhors expectations placed on him. And, well, you placed expectations on him. In fact, you still do. In all likelihood, the best approach to have taken with this guy was to just let things flow organically, see where they lead without placing any expectations. That may not be your style. Personally, I don't think this guy was being childish or deceptive from what you have said so far. I think he was into you and somewhere along the path he became disinterested.

    As far as how to proceed, I suppose it depends on what you want from him. Given your emotional state and where he's at, I'd suggest keeping your distance from him (which means being polite but not engaging him when you see him). If he wants to approach you and talk about it, though, I'd say give him a chance, but just don't allow him to string you along.


    Daniel is right-- let things flow organically.

    I think this guy deserves a little respect. He was honest about his feelings and his needs.

    In the "gay world," it seems like men are very quick to want a "relationship" with someone just because of an initial attraction. What about dating and courtship? Everyone's looking for a quick fix to the loneliness issue. I think the first problem here is that you guys slept together so quickly. You didn't take any time to see if your lives would accommodate each other in the ways that actually justify a love relationship. Sex has the power to be distracting and destructive if it's used (passively or by election) as a way of maintaining or creating a relationship.

    There are so many different kinds of "relationships." You will have passing interactions, acquaintances, frequent contacts, friendships, dates, sexual relationships, boyfriends, lovers, and everything in between. If the guy is not ready to say "let's move forward toward a "boyfriends" situation," then maybe you need to respect that he's taking some space to figure out who you really are before he decides to take on that kind of responsibility.

    I'd say the ball is in his court, but on the other hand, it's in yours too. You are not powerless here. Take this opportunity to get to know him better as well. Initiate a conversation with him and find out if he's even worth your time as a boyfriend. Get to know him as something other than a sex partner. Observe him with his friends, who are also your friends. It's great that you have mutual buddies. It says that you have more in common than just a romp in the sack. If you guys really are meant to be together, it will become very evident in the near future if you can just relax and enjoy each others' company. You already know there's a sexual attraction. Now find out if there is something more.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 23, 2009 6:48 PM GMT
    Throw some salt over your left shoulder, say Amen!, and keep it movin'.
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    Jul 23, 2009 11:39 PM GMT
    Friends of friends immediately go into the look-but-not-touch category. Not only are there the obvious complications if it doesn't work out, but I have a couple friends that throw fits when they find out their friends are hooking up. It just saves on a lot of headaches.
  • danisnotstr8

    Posts: 2579

    Jul 23, 2009 11:42 PM GMT
    GuerrillaSodomite saidFriends of friends immediately go into the look-but-not-touch category. Not only are there the obvious complications if it doesn't work out, but I have a couple friends that throw fits when they find out their friends are hooking up. It just saves on a lot of headaches.


    I disagree. The beautiful thing about friends is that they might have friends who might be compatible with you. GS, when I move to Chicago, I hope you wouldn't hold out if you think you have the perfect guy for me... icon_smile.gif

    I try to live without the drama. That means accepting that jealousy is my own problem and not someone else's.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 24, 2009 12:54 AM GMT
    danisnotstr8 said
    GuerrillaSodomite saidFriends of friends immediately go into the look-but-not-touch category. Not only are there the obvious complications if it doesn't work out, but I have a couple friends that throw fits when they find out their friends are hooking up. It just saves on a lot of headaches.


    I disagree. The beautiful thing about friends is that they might have friends who might be compatible with you. GS, when I move to Chicago, I hope you wouldn't hold out if you think you have the perfect guy for me... icon_smile.gif

    I try to live without the drama. That means accepting that jealousy is my own problem and not someone else's.


    Hey, I never said that I wouldn't play matchmaker.icon_wink.gif I just choose not to pursue things for myself.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Jul 24, 2009 12:55 AM GMT
    GuerrillaSodomite saidFriends of friends immediately go into the look-but-not-touch category. Not only are there the obvious complications if it doesn't work out, but I have a couple friends that throw fits when they find out their friends are hooking up. It just saves on a lot of headaches.


    Do you have a touch but don't look rule?
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    Jul 24, 2009 1:12 AM GMT
    Timberoo said
    GuerrillaSodomite saidFriends of friends immediately go into the look-but-not-touch category. Not only are there the obvious complications if it doesn't work out, but I have a couple friends that throw fits when they find out their friends are hooking up. It just saves on a lot of headaches.


    Do you have a touch but don't look rule?


    Only if they require a bag over their head. Otherwise I'm going to look, unless the lights are off.icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 24, 2009 5:15 AM GMT

    Timberoo said

    Do you have a touch but don't look rule?


    Of course he doesn't! That would be like you being close to me and me not touch you. I'd gladly accept a pop knot from the bf for the esteemed opportunity. icon_surprised.gif In short, we like what we like and what good are friends if they can't set you up a time or two?



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 24, 2009 5:24 AM GMT