confused and hopeless

  • hopelessly

    Posts: 8

    Jul 23, 2009 6:38 AM GMT
    So first off, I don’t really have anyone to speak to about this so I’m just hoping for some guidance because I’ve never been this confused before
    also if this post belongs elsewhere, sorry about the mistake
    I’m in college and have always been pretty confused about my sexuality. I guess I am more “gay” than straight. I typically usually see gay porn and guess I am more attracted to guys over women. But I guess I try to attract myself to women and have only done any sexual contact with women. Nonetheless I haven’t revealed this to anyone and I guess most people consider me straight.
    I’ve never really gone out of my way to find a relationship, and the few I’ve had have been with women, except this summer a good friend of mine and I have been spending a lot of time together because we are both taking summer classes and can’t help but hang out with one another daily since not many people are around and we r taking a class together.
    He’s always been a cool guy and these past few weeks together have honestly convinced me that I want to be with him. I presume hes straight and I cant bear the fact of scaring him off and losing his as a friend
    But I just want to know if he and I are possible because I feel like when we’re with one another we just feel comfortable with one another and it’s a feeling I haven’t really shared with anyone to this extremity.
    We’ve taken a little trip together and hung out 1 on 1 as well as with other friends and we’ve definitely had deep conversations and nothing has convinced me he is totally straight.
    He’s a down to earth guy and as any other friends I guess we do poke eachother and kinda touch one another jokingly and make “gay” jokes to one another and I’m afraid to take it to far sometimes and scare him
    Its like this one thing is honestly holding me back from him and I feel like hes opened up so much to me at least. Hes never been truly in love with a women even though he tried to win a girl over and truly believes that in situations that u cant do anything about, u cant get to overwhelmed by them when dealing with them and just have to accept them for what they are
    For that reason I want to open up to him but it always boils down to potentially losing him from my life
    I cherish him as a friend and I cant help but feel hes aware of when I either flirt with him kinda or put priority to him over anyone else
    In cases where we sit next to eachother in cramped spaces I do happen to out my leg next to his and I have passed out on him before. I’m always there for him when we drink together and I try cooking for him when we don’t feel like going out. Random events every now and then I just bring something he’d appreciate like bringing to snacks to class for us when theres 4 of us that hang out together. I try looking into his eyes as a suggestive action and he definitely knows how to make me happy when im not in the best mood
    That’s another thing, I don’t when if and when I take it to far for him, maybe hes to embarrassed to tell me to tone it down a bit or maybe he too enjoys it and is thinking of me
    Another thing I have no idea how to interpret is that I have seen him naked technically. So I sleep over his place everyother day basically and sometimes when its just us 2 he sleeps in just his boxers versus boxers and athletic shorts. I’ve kinda confirmed that its usually when its just me sleeping over because when someone else came to visit and woke us both up he put on his shorts soon after and went back to bed. Anyway, so in the morning I woke up before him and his boxers managed to ride up high enough where his penis and balls were hanging out of one side in perfect view. I honestly couldn’t help but stare and he’d be sleeping the whole time and occasionally either cover himself with the comforter or move his body over. I don’t want to tell him that this occurred because personally, I want him to feel comfortable with me and I’m afraid to threaten anything that could potentially make him feel uncomfortable in my presence.

    I know it’s a long story and I appreciate anyone whose read through this, and I guess my main question is what should I do?
    Theres probably other stuff ive missed out mentioning but nonetheless, I am a confused, bisexual(more “gay” than straight) guy whose fallen for his straight friend(though personally convinced his sexuality is ambiguous) and want to tell his friend his feelings but is afraid to lose him.
    I know nothing comes without a price but this has been on my mind for weeks and everyday when I see him I want to give him the world because hes an awesome guy and I just want tell him how much how much I love him.
    As aforementioned, anything would be appreciated and I’d be glad to clear any questions that arise from this poorly organized first post

    Thanks again

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 23, 2009 5:42 PM GMT
    Take heart... you are not alone. Many gay men have been through situations like this and have made it through, so you can too.

    My opinion: Relax, calm down. You might be nervous when you come out to your friend, but the hurt you're causing yourself by not coming out to him is greater. Don't pressure him about anything... maybe don't even tell him about your interest in him at first. Just come out to him and give him a chance to accept him for who you are.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 23, 2009 6:08 PM GMT
    You are not gay. You are not straight. You are not bi.

    You are confused. Don't worry about labels, have lots of sex (with protection, of course!), and figure out what feels right to you. Worry about the label later.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jul 24, 2009 4:58 PM GMT
    Do not make the mistake of coming on to this guy without his epress permission
    By what you describe he very well might be str8 and you will lose him as a friend
    we cannot tell our hearts you we have crushes on
    and if you are gay
    and it sounds like you might be
    hanging out with str8 men will only cause more trouble like this
    If you were around gay men and feelings came up like this
    there wouldn't be this problem
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 24, 2009 5:28 PM GMT
    Others can slam this idea if it's bad, but I kinda think the only option that will lead to any more intimacy with this guy is to open up to him about your feelings about guys without initially dropping your strong feelings for him.

    Subtle approach or trying to make moves to get him to open up:
    -If he doesn't feel the same he could be weirded out or it could emliminate the opportunity to be more open later without the baggage of being shadey earlier.
    -If he does feel the same he could still force back his own feelings because he isn't clear on your intent.

    If he's a good friend, he should be able to handle a conversation where you confide your confusion about feelings. Needs to be your confusion about feelings for guys, not your confusion about feelings for him. I think if you're direct and confident in that you want his advice, you give him a chance to share too without having to also deal with another person's attraction. I think the conversation "Sometimes I feel closer to guys than I do with girls" could be an easier place to start.

    I felt a very similar way for a close friend in college. Now, I realize I was smitten and I don't think he really had feelings. He was just an extremely warm and passionate person. However, I think he would have been a great person to confide in and it would have helped me figure myself out years earlier.

    Have to agree with MunchingZombies about not using labels yet. You're young and really don't have the experience to know. Your feelings for this friends could be based on all kinds of things inside that may not be there later. Be slow to define yourself. Be confident about your search in figuring it out.
  • hopelessly

    Posts: 8

    Jul 26, 2009 8:16 AM GMT
    ... first off I'd like to thank everyone who even read this let alone replied with some advice. been thinking a lot as these replies have been posted and it all seems to lean towards opening up to my friend.

    As of now, I'm not sure if I am convincing myself that hes dropping hints himself now or is just being even more awesome of a guy >.<, with no sexual suggestive actions intended.

    So since my post hes gotten a lot more touchy icon_smile.gif lol and I dont know how to interpret it. I do return the touches and he seems rather fine with it but its all on the level of just being good friends i guess
    specifically this past week Ive passed out on his lap, he puts his arm around me a lot, something he didnt ever do not just 2 weeks ago and just goes out of his way to just let me know hes there and make me chuckle idk
    lol nonetheless I kinda do the same and he seems just fine with it

    I know this is like barely sexual at all and its honestly embarassing that im making such a big deal about it, hence thankyou for reading my nonsense

    we havent really been alone either, like he does this in public and while both he and i do "poke" and other random stupid touchy stuff with other people we both have a sense of comfort with one another

    but thats the thing, I keep thinking bout any situation that could refute my thought. like what if he has an idea that Im interested in him but doesnt feel the same, but just plays along to make me happy cuz I do go out of my way for him. had a party this weekend and we over drank and I was the one helping him throwup and find a bed later that night(on a sidenote I later blacked out as well but by then he regained consciousness and said we spooned for a bit on a couch till 1 of us slept on the adjacent couch) nonetheless Im wondering if I said anything that mightve trigger this rather large increase in touchiness and suggestive conversation, this could be either good or bad but he seems alright with it if I dropped any hints.

    So yeah, in a few days we'll be alone more often I guess only because a close friend of both of ours has been visiting this week so I hope I will find it in myself to let him know that Im at least confused about my sexuality

    Thats my other concern, he and I share a lot of friends and I dont know how this could affect that. I dont know what I am and I dont think he or I would like to go public if by a miracle chance I manage to open up to him and he does likewise lol


    I feel like Im just using this site to bitch cuz I dont have someone to talk about this with. But in honesty, Im content as hell and his sudden change of over touchiness pleases me even if its just a really good friend who knows how to make me feel better lol

    Thanks again
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 26, 2009 9:07 AM GMT
    Wow, this is so 'Brokeback Mountain.'

    Well... I've never seen the movie... but from what I've heard.

    I remember back in my High School days this girl used to poke me.
    It meant *she* liked me. It made me feel so uncomfortable.

    People tend to believe whatever they want to believe... thus end up interpreting things incorrectly. It's happened to me on many occasions. So as others have said, Don't make the first move. The safest thing to do is to ignore your feelings, but who wants to do that right?

    Yes, I would also recommend that you somehow mention that you might be "bisexual..."

    Maybe you can suggest a gay themed movie the two of you can watch together?

    'Another Gay Movie' comes to mind. A comedy that a multitude of people can enjoy.

    If he seems repulsed by the idea.... I guess you'd have your answer.... it might also start up a conversation....... about you confusion.

    *ignore meethead* icon_smile.gif
    Again... That's so 'Brokeback.' You wont meet quite a grisly fate as the protagonist... but....

    either way.... keep us posted. Juicy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 26, 2009 2:17 PM GMT
    Wow that was a lot to read

    But first let me say that it was all so very refreshing. Reading your post was like a flash back for me and I think that passion and that uncertaintanty, I promise you as you gain more experience you will miss how easily you use to get infatuated. Because right now as I read this post I am envious. I miss those days oddly.

    Compliments aside, trust me, you will do anything to convince yourself that you have a chance with this guy. you can't help it. You care so much about him that you want it to be true.

    Be careful of this. Try to trust that when someone tells you who or what they are, that they really mean it. And they don't really mean it, then they aren't ready for you to know yet so you shouldn't pry.

    I say the first thing you should do and I must warn you it could go either way, is tell him that you're sexually confused/ bi curious. Just be like can I tell you something I've never told anyone before.

    don't do it in hopes that he tells you that he's gay, or bi, or anything. Just to get it out in the open. If he changes the way he responds to you its going to suck, but at least you know that he's not interested in you, The Real You, as a lover or a person.

    If he keeps you around, but doesn't flirt with you or show open interest in dating you then you know He's not into you romantically, but still appreciates you as a person. And this will stop you from embarrasing yourself.

    I believe this will be very revealing to you because if he doesn't have any sexual interest in yourself, you'll be able to discover just how amazing he truly is, as oppose to how much you wanted him as a partner.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 26, 2009 3:36 PM GMT
    You guys need beer. LOTS of it. icon_lol.gif Alone. And start serious topics about human sexuality. And then...

    Oh well... lots of heartbreak potential here.

    I've had straight friends do that before. Guys with girlfriends. A guy who was very touchy feely, had no gf's in school, kind, too thoughtful (to be straight, LOL), and I fell for him hard only to have him find a girlfriend in college and metamorphose into the more stereotypical straight guy image. Another guy who acted like an older protective brother around me, likes to butt grab and crotch grab and once ran his hands up my calves in appreciation (and goddamn he was really hot, he's still my permacrush, but beyond that... no expectations, he also has a girlfriend and fucks around with other girls on the side... sneaky bastard). etc. After a few months (years in the first case), I realized it was probably all just me. Wishful thinking.

    Then again there were guys who were seriously ticking off what little gaydar I have with their advances.

    There's a chance this could lead to something nice, there's a chance it could end really badly. Just be prepared for it if ever. It's a big risk, so don't, like, go suicidal if it doesn't go over well. Almost all gay guys have been through that, and not being pessimistic or anything, but it usually ends up with the other guy being totally straight.

    But yeah, you'll never know if you don't try, right? icon_razz.gif

    As Halfstep said, don't expect anything. Just lay out all your cards on the table and let him decide for himself.

    P.S. On the bisexuality thing. It sounds to me like you're gay. If you have to TRY to like women, then you're doing it wrong. It's supposed to be innate. There are instances when you fall for the gender outside your normal range, but that's the exception not the rule. There's also the factor of emotional attraction vs. sexual attraction. Some bisexual guys fall for women but like having sex with men, some are the opposite. Some simply do not care about the physical gender (omnisexuals). It's usually better to just go with the gender you're emotionally and sexually attracted to. And you sound as if you already know your bias. If you find yourself falling for guys more often and watching gay porn, chances are you are into guys. But then you really only know yourself, none of us do.

    Note: In my opinion, being bisexual also requires you to be open about it when entering commitment. So don't think you're clear of the muddy waters of GLBT simply because you can pass of a straight guy. The important thing at this 'confusion' stage is don't commit yourself to something you may not want later on, i.e. DON'T knock a girl up or get married, hmkay? LOL
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16414

    Jul 26, 2009 3:37 PM GMT
    My suggestion would be to have some "serious conversation" about his opinion on some gay issues... ask him what he thinks about gay marriage,
    and if its positive, how he would feel about a member of his family being gay.
    Try and take it "right up to the front porch" as to whether he's gay. If you sense he is and your getting the right feedback, I'd take it very slow, not only for him, but for you as well. Give him a hug, rub his shoulders... don't just start in with something abruptly physical in the beginning.

    Feel free to talk to us about this, most of us will give you good input. Many of have been the mindset you are and would want to help you out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 26, 2009 7:45 PM GMT
    Boy does this bring back bittersweet memories of my high school and college days! Been there....more than once. In retrospect, I have found years later that in two cases that the romantic and sexual feelings were entirely mutual, though the friendships didn't move to that level at the time. I know now that they probably could have, given the chance, and if there had been a heart-to-heart talk or two.

    First, I like the word "questioning" rather than "confused". It has a bit less of a negative connotation.

    Next, I would have to agree with those who say "don't rush it". Today's culture seems to be so geared to things being push-button/instant gratification quick. What you guys have is a beautiful thing!! Enjoy the yearning, the hopes and the mutual closeness you have with this guy, which sounds like it's growing deeper and richer by the day. When the time feels right, (maybe after a couple of beers-lol), tell him you feel like you're attracted to men sometimes. Let it go from there.

    Keep us informed. Some of us are living through this with you in our cherished memories, believe me!

  • hopelessly

    Posts: 8

    Jul 29, 2009 9:55 AM GMT
    so yeah, not too much of an update since nothing too notable happened. not a bad thing necessarily because I guess I should be taking it slowly as suggested and I'm not complaining. still have a good friend over so neither of us have yet to have legit alone time but by tomorrow we'll definitely be alone for most of the time, which is a bit concerning because i dont know what to expect from him. as aforementioned, he's rather open and touchy in public, with at least 1 person is with us so i'm hoping come tomorrow the same situation will come up except between us to and I'll do my best to bring up some topics idk. kinda worried but hes been showing some rather promising reciprocations and I'm loving it lol
    hes actually passed out on my lap without any insinuation and we then switched roles when kinda waking up. been working out together and actually got those sexy dice where 1 is an action and the other is a bodypart and have agreed when each of us roles 1 together, we do w/e the dice show lol. nothing to serious because as I said, weve had a friend over for a while but its fun and cute nonetheless I guess. idk
    I'm actually more comfortable suggesting stuff jokingly and then hopefully taking it more seriously... idk if that makes sense but I just dont feel comfortable just going into this seriously
    not to sure, I know he doesnt like my hairy legs(which I beg to differ, hes just a rather bare guy lol) but nonetheless he likes pulling on them randomly and I cant help but get excited cuz I guess im into that kinda stuff lol
    but yeah, Ive been staring at him longer when our eyes cross and am still convinced theres some hope
    but I know Ill convince myself anything is possible. cept even the "gayest"acting of my straight friends arent that comfortable and touchy i think, at least sober
    o and just to clear it up, the aforementioned spooning was fully clothed in case a few thought I mightve done any significant progress in figuring this thing out

    reflecting on myself I guess, i know Im under some sort of trance because i've pretty much fallen for him. cant help but want to be there for him and seriously go out of my way for him and he is always there when i need him too. then again whenever the 2 of us get off from school and work we meet up neway so there really isnt any demands that require going to out of the way but its the little things that attract me more to him I guess
    Actually once we're done with school we're meeting a lot of our friends who arent taking classes in another state and it just happens to be his birthday the few days hell be staying with me so I hope i dont get too distracted with making it perfect but I just want him to seriously know that if he ever needs someone i'm there for him, good or bad

    w/e now. this post is rather long just as my others so I'm grateful for anyone who even reads my rather childish mancrush lol
    thanks again and hope to hear from anyone
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 29, 2009 10:02 AM GMT
    i'm not gonna read this massive wall of text. but ummmm.

    MAN UP!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 30, 2009 8:41 AM GMT

    OP fell for friend and is gay.
  • hopelessly

    Posts: 8

    Sep 21, 2009 3:28 AM GMT
    its been a while and I guess I'll be updating those interested in this post
    so I mentioned to him that I had to talk to him 1-1 for a while and finally manned up to it a few days ago. awkward and hard indeed but it started with me coming out and cuz he knew I had 2 stuff on my mind to talk about he kinda guessed about me being interested in him., and i later admitted to.
    Unfortunately he isn't gay but he was really ok with it and just appreciated me being honest with him.
    I guess I did convince myself there was a chance cuz everytime we'de hang out he'd just do some gesture I'd kinda exaggerate(like when sitting next to each other hed put his leg over mine for 10 minutes and just hit my thigh randomly and I just leaned on his side and we chilled there for 10 minutes)
    as aforementioned I guess its just a sense of comfort we have with one another
    idk but while the first day after coming out to him was a bit different compared to any other day but the next day we went to a party and he'd be just as touchy and amiable as hes always been to me and I'd just look after him by the end of the night cuz of his low tolerance.
    while i don't regret coming out to him, I feel like i might be the one acting different to him now that i came out to him rather then the opposite,which I'm doing my best to avoid. but I can't help thinking i might cross that line between our friendship now that he knows i like him in a sexual way. while I have come to the understanding that hes not gay, i've grown a sense of comfort with him that would normally be seen as some homosexuality when displayed in public i guess
    I dont know, i think too much and should just take this experience day by day. school getting the best of us so we aren't able to hang out as often as i'd like but I guess we both have to make an effort to just make the best of our friendship

    yeah, this is long as hell as always but just have to reflect somewhere and maybe get some feedback. I guess it feels good to finally come out to someone after all these years
    anyway, thanks for reading
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 21, 2009 6:10 AM GMT
    hey dude,
    i was reading through all this stuff and just read your latest update. Sucks man that it didn't work out for you but you gotta look at the positive side. You had the strength to actually follow through and come out to him. Good for you! I think that something else that stood out to me was that you mentioned how you are now afraid that you are going to be the one acting different. I have an idea of what you mean as I did something similar too. It is real hard to make things like they used to be but I think the best thing is to accept that he is a good friend and supportive like he says he is. If you start to dwell too much on it and think about every little thing (because you mentioned that you think too much), then it will probably drive you two further apart and drive you crazy probably.

    Best of luck in all you do. I hope things turn out great for you!
  • hopelessly

    Posts: 8

    Sep 25, 2009 5:22 PM GMT
    you think coming out to someone would make life a little bit more easy but I can't help but feel thats not the case for me.
    I did talk to him about me thinking too much and he said that while he cant control what I think or how I act, just take in mind hes chill with anything. This brought me some relief but yesterday wasnt the best sign of that. i dont know I might be taking shit out of proportion again but i cooked for a group of friends including him and the whole day he seemed kinda out of it, not himself, and even when trying to tslk to him he wasnt as approachable as usual. like every now and then he'd kinda make some gesture reminding me of how he was but it was sad and frustrating cuz I was trying just to get him to talk and be himself.
    maybe he was having a bad day, and thats why I dont wanna bring it up to him but im just afraid we're already losing touch with one another and can't help but thinking its very possible being that we dont take any of the same classes, dont live with eachother, and even our hobbies vary apart from music and videogames. like we'll see eachother at least every 3 days because of our friends but because its not summer anymore, i cant help but think that we'll lose touch even after all we'v been through
    its not even a matter of falling in love with him, i just dont want to lose him as a friend and want to be there for him as he was for me.

    I dont know, but before coming out I loved the ways things were and while I dont regret it, how long till things things get good again icon_cry.gif
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    Sep 30, 2009 1:37 AM GMT