Something's missing...

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  Apr 27, 2007 6:41 PM GMT

  I have been with my boyfriend for about a year now and I still feel like something just isn't right or that something is missing. I moved across the country to be with him but I keep wondering if I may have moved too soon. He is an amazing person and has given me everything I could possibly ask for(non-material). Always there, incredibly supportive, placing my feelings and needs way before his own. He loves me immensely and this I don't doubt but I don't think I love him with that same intensity. I find myself making excuses not be intimate or even "cuddly"(for lack of a better word). To make things worse, I can't stop thinking about my ex, which we were together for almost 3 years but have been apart for about the same period of time. I don't know if I'm still adjusting to everything, the move, new job, new relationship or if there is something missing and that maybe it's just not meant to be. ????
  

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  Apr 27, 2007 9:43 PM GMT

  I would ask why you and your ex broke up. If you're thoughts are going to him, then there are obviously hang-ups, even if those hang-ups aren't specifically about your ex.
  
  I will give you a bit of my experience though:
  
  I was in a cycle of bad relationships... Well, they weren't even that bad...they were all nice guys, but the relationship was unhealthy for both of us. Whether it be drama, or insecurities, or unhealthy behavior, or putting up too many guards, etc. etc.
  
  That was the point in which I kinda gave up on the dating thing and started focusing on myself, and questioned why I was always attracted to the same type of guy/personality - which inevitably would turn out badly...
  
  Then came along this great guy... We are both healthy people mentally, spiritually, and physically (or at least we are working toward that). He is supportive, loving. He challanges me, etc. etc. They were all the things you said. And, he brings out the best in me...
  
  There was a time when we were first starting off, like 6 months in or so, that a similar thing started to happen to me. I found myself distancing myself from him. I was getting a little obsessive over some of my exes. It was a very similar thing. But, I knew I didn't want to be with those guys again.
  
  I think when we find someone who challanges us, and makes us a better person and healthy, it's hard work, and it's committment. And, often, we revert back to old patterns and behaviors because change is hard, even if it's healthy change. My boyfriend and I were able to talk through a lot of it. It wasn't easy, and a lot of past insecurities came up that I didn't know I even had anymore...but he was right there, and I was there with him. And through it, we became closer, and those old and unhealthy behavior patterns began to work themselves out. And, through it, we fell in love even more...
  
  Sometimes we feel like we don't deserve good things, and healthy things, so we sabatage ourselves.
  
  But then again, maybe the chemistry is just not there. But, it must have been there at one point for you to move for him, right?

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  Apr 27, 2007 9:52 PM GMT

  i was recently in the exact same position that your boyfriend is in right now, and personally, i wish my ex had found the strength of character to talk to me about these problems. he deserves to know sooner rather than later, because the more you supress these feelings, the more likely he is to notice, and the more anxiety it will cause...
  
  it'll hurt to hear all of this from you, of course, but it would hurt a hell of a lot more to hear that it's been going on under his nose without his knowledge for weeks or months... or that it's been going on for so long that there's no chance of resolving it.

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  Apr 27, 2007 9:56 PM GMT

  Yes. You moved in too soon.

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• atxclimber
  
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  Apr 27, 2007 10:10 PM GMT

  You guys live together? If so, I don't think what you're describing is abnormal. In my experience, it takes a lot of work for both guys in the relationship to maintain that sense of special-ness once you live together. Witnessing all the mundane aspects of day-to-day life together -- and not having to really make an effort to spend time together, but rather having to make an effort when you actually want to spend time *apart* -- can make it tough.
  
  I think some people more readily take things for granted than others. I've definitely been in situations where I found myself just kind of cooling to a relationship because I started taking my boyfriend for granted.
  
  Plus, he probably subconsciously notices this and is taking steps (even if he doesn't realize it) to maintain intimacy, which may just push you further away, in that fucked-up way that people are less attractive sometimes when they seem eager, i.e. playing not-hard-to-get.
  
  I've heard all sorts of advice on this, including still planning actual dates, like, getting dressed up a bit and going out for a nice dinner and treating it like a real "date" like you do at the beginning of dating relationships. I don't know, I think that takes a certain suspension of disbelief, though.
  
  The other possibility is that you're resentful about a host of random things that you're not particularly conscious of. I've had that, too, where I broke up and only then as the months go by afterwards and we talked did I realize, oh, hey, this was bothering me and I never realized it, this other thing was, too. And the thing is, usually for me, while we're still in the relationship, it genuinely seems just like a general incompatibility, or some other vague problem. Only later have I realized that those weren't the real issues at all, and the real issues were specific things I wasn't conscious of that predisposed me to be irritable or to tint the rest of the relationship in a gloomier light.
  
  Watch out for that. Therapy can be useful; meditation can be useful; talking frankly can be useful.
  
  I agree with the idea that you really should bring this up to him sooner than later. It always feels bad doing that, because nobody likes taking a relationship that is, outwardly, going along quite smoothly and having to be the one to raise it up to DEFCON 2 out of the blue ("I know this may seem kind of abrupt, but these problems are bad enough they'd make me consider breaking up if we don't address them.")
  
  But really, avoidance is not a better option; it's more hurtful in the long-term, and certainly more likely to cause the relationship to fail.
  
  Good luck!

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  Apr 29, 2007 12:53 PM GMT

  Be grateful for what you have at the moment and cherrish it. Communication is everything! Give your new partner a chance and give him your all.
  
  Life is too short for both of you. If you are thinking about your ex get over it, chances are if you went back it wouldn't work out anyway.
  
  You says that your new guy is a great guy, hang on to him.

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  May 01, 2007 6:54 PM GMT

  Thank you to all that have responded. It has given me a lot to think about. I recently talked to him about how I was feeling and his response was very similar to yours. He says that I have not given "us" a chance and that I am still focusing on the past instead of the future. But my question is why do I continue to think about my ex and what if.... Every time I put him out of my mind something happens and I am reminded of him, almost like a slap in the face. How can I give it a chance when all I can think about is what if...

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• MikemikeMike
  
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  May 01, 2007 7:08 PM GMT

  Just wondered if the physical attraction was ever really there for you?? Seems quick to change your whole life around??

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  May 01, 2007 8:18 PM GMT

  Cole,
  
  Why do you persist in posting such intimate thoughts/details about your boyfriend here on a public bulletin board?
  
  Your actions show contempt for him and your relationship as well.
  
  How will your boyfriend feel about complete strangers knowing/commenting on your uncertain feelings for him?
  
  Your feelings may be valid but your actions here seem grossly unfeeling - and can become very hurtful to you both.
  
  Talk to a qualified counselor - PRIVATELY.
  
  PM8

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  May 02, 2007 2:20 AM GMT

  PMB, I totally agree!!!!!!!

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  May 02, 2007 3:12 AM GMT

  Always go with your gut feelings - they're never wrong.

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  May 02, 2007 4:51 PM GMT

  so somethings missing.... its your honesty. you dont feel the same way he does about you. its not mutual. although he may be awesome as im sure you are too, that does not mean you are meant to be together. thinking of your ex and wondering what missing and making exucses to not be intimate are SURE SIGNS its not meant to be and you should get out before you become more involved. you made lots of sacrifices i see - i did too - but its not worth sacrificing the rest of your life to be unhappy when clearly you are now. bottomline - its not mean to be. i wish you the best of luck in finding your true mate.

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  May 07, 2007 9:41 PM GMT

  Only you really know yourself. You have to be willing to be honest with yourself and your feelings.
  
  Also, when you say something's missing, is it from yourself or something your guy isn't giving you? Is the thing missing something that you got from your ex? Try not to compare them. They are two completely different people.
  
  Remember that you not only have a new man in your life, you've basically started all over again because of you relocating. That certainly isn't easy and requires time to get settled.
  
  
  Sometimes after a breakup happens and some time goes by, you tend to remember only the good times (which is usually a good thing). But think back and remember why you broke with your ex. Recalling those memories may put things in perspective and remind you why you may not want to go back to your ex.
  
  If your partner is such a good guy, don't give up so quickly. A healthy relationship isn't always easy. But again, only you know what's really going on with you. You owe it to yourself and him to be honest. Good luck.

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  May 07, 2007 10:08 PM GMT

  "Always go with your gut feelings - they're never wrong."
  
  
  http://psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20070424-000001.html

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  May 07, 2007 10:13 PM GMT

  Yes, if you want to read a whole book on this...
  
  Blink by Malcolm Gladwell

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  May 07, 2007 10:36 PM GMT

  I'm forced to agree with PhlMuscle. It's not that you don't have valid feelings/issues, but why seek advice here? While there are clearly some good posts...above...and, clearly, there are some experienced counselors, therapists here...why not actually go to one locally?
  
  Moving across the country to be with someone is already a huge committment. I wouldn't do it lightly (if at all). But if you did that, why not go to couples counseling...it's better to be upfront with your boyfriend...especially if he is so in-love with you.
  
  It's better for him to hear that there may be issues from you directly, in a nice way, than be a victim of passive-agressive behavior (not that you are doing that), or some other way of acting out.
  
  I think you guys should invest in a qualified counselor.

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  May 07, 2007 11:21 PM GMT

  Tell him you don't love him. Cut your losses. Give him a chance to move on before he ages another day. No one will die. Be honest. You cannot be so selfish as to live with someone who makes you cringe and I'm assuming since you don't want to cuddle he makes you cringe in some ways. That's horrible. Don't put another human through that. My parents did that for 44 years and finally got a divorced although where they are from divorce is a new concept so maybe that's why it took them so long.

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  May 30, 2007 4:10 PM GMT

  I didn't realize you weren't single...

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  May 30, 2007 4:37 PM GMT

  Though I’ve never actually been in a relationship, I think I know how you might feel. I know people who have been divorced from their ex for many years. Even remarried, and once in a while, something triggers a memory of their previous partner. My sister has even had dreams of her ex, and she’s been happily remarried for about 10 years now. My point is that I think it is natural for one to have these thoughts/memories – maybe you haven’t completely moved on yet? My advice, spend some quality time considering those qualities that made you fall in love w/ your boyfriend. And good luck to you!

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