Jul 27, 2009 3:55 PM GMT
I was sitting here thinking about my life and I wondered what I wanted to write about, I guess It's not a matter this time of sharing what I have been doing as much as how I have been feeling. I have lots of feelings inside me that I want to get off my mind. Feelings that I can't share with people here at home because it would be considered to be girlish and is not the type of conversation I am able to share too openly so perhaps putting those feelings down here is the best way to get them out.
Why is it a woman can speak of love and or heartbreak and it's acceptable but when a guy does it, it's considered weak or girlish by so many? I'm yet to work that out but today I'm going to share my inner feelings on the subject of love and how it is and has been for me lately.
We all want and need to have love in our life and when we find it our heart flies with the angels, all our thoughts are of that person, nothing else matters as long as we have love. Wanting them to be with us, holding us in their arms. Feeling and hearing their heart beat against us as we are wrapped in a warm and loving embrace. There is no better place to be than in the arms of a lover. Every love song I heard, every dream I had, every waking moment I was smiling because I was in love. I would go to work and my thoughts would wander to the one I love, sitting watching a movie, or just lying alone in bed at night my thoughts were with that one person. How much I want them here beside me, being held in their arms, hearing them breathe while I just lay beside them watching their face or gently running my fingers along their beautiful body. Feeling their touch and the closeness that love brings with it. Waking up next to the only person in the world that matters to me looking into their beautiful, gentle eyes each and every day. That was my idea of heaven on earth.
Finding love was beautiful to me but the promise of having my love beside me to hold, to kiss, to be totally together with was something I wanted so badly but never ended up happening. The love was and still is real to me and the wanting never ever stopped. I miss that love more than I ever thought possible. It all ended one day after several days of arguing over what I can't even see as important any more. My mind went blank, my heart didn't want to keep beating and I couldn't bear to hear any songs of love, any time I did I burst into tears for what was and was no more. With each and every word my eyes welled up and my heart sank even further. The feeling of loss as I realised that our love was ending. What makes it worse is that I couldn't think of any way to stop it from happening. How could I have stopped it from coming to this point? I didn't know how..... I couldn't. All I wanted was to have my love back. I prayed at night for that to happen and each and every day for months and months my heart has felt like it is dying, my mind became blank, the lonliness I felt and still feel could never be replaced by any other.
Even now after so much time has passed I still miss that love, I still want that love and I still think of that wonderful relationship of love. Perhaps too much. I have to accept I am no longer wanted or cared about by the person I adored and loved so very much. How could I ever find that again? Doesn't that type of love only come once in our lifetime?
Is moving on my only option? I know it is but I don't seem to know how to. I can't seem to do the moving on part. I need to, but I never got to say so many things I wanted to say. I was shut out totally, I was denied even a last hug a last kiss. Being in love online those things I never got for a first and oh how I wanted that every single day. To have a break up where no one can be given the chance to hold the other and try to show how much it means to be with them has made my heart die so much more inside. Wanting something I dreamed of every single night but never had, even though I wanted it with all my heart and soul. To just be with that one person that I fell so deeply in love with to have them here with me, by my side. Is it wrong to have wanted that? Am I selfish to have wanted that? Was it selfish of me to keep asking and keep wanting more? To have been able to make that online relationship personal, to have been able to hold that person in my arms and feel the closeness of love being with each other.
All I can think of is how much in love I really was and still am. I want to block out the hurtful words and the many broken promises and just see and feel the love that was there. There is no blame here just my thoughts that continue to haunt my mind and my dreams. Was it me? Did I make this happen by pushing to want more? Pushing to be given what I thought we both wanted. Did I ask too much, with the questions I asked or the things I asked for? If only I had the answers to those and so many other questions, but I dont and I'm not sure