Wanting Friends

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 29, 2009 11:25 PM GMT
    Is it easy for you to make gay friends without having sex?

    I've been getting to know this guy as a friend. There is no sexual chemistry on my part. So after a few months of hanging together, I popped the question:

    Are we friends? I want friends, not more dates or sex. Is that ok with you? ( I held my breathe).
    He paused for a minute, and told me SURE!

    In the past when that situation has come up with other guys and told them I am not interested in a sexual/romantic relationship but wanted to develop a solid friendship, they would vanish.

    My new friend made me very happy.
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    Jul 29, 2009 11:44 PM GMT
    nawwwwwwwww

    how sweet..
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    Jul 30, 2009 12:23 AM GMT
    I think most folks would like a confidant and know they're not alone in the world.

    The compartmentalized, high-tech, world we live in can be very isolating.

    The hardest thing about gay friends is that so many of them having identity issues you have to deal with.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Jul 30, 2009 12:51 AM GMT
    i have many gay friends i don't want to sleep with
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    Jul 30, 2009 12:59 AM GMT
    I find it difficult. icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Jul 30, 2009 1:39 AM GMT
    Of the dozens of gay friends I have, this has almost never been a problem. I am guessing the problem originates with you. Do you treat these people like a friend or do you flirt with them? Where do you meet them: through friends or at the bathhouse? Do you do romantic things with them like texting constantly or hanging out just the two of you a little too often?

    Check your game, as the kids say.
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    Jul 30, 2009 2:07 AM GMT
    It's easier to be friends with people you meet in person... you get to see all their faults up close and you're less likely to fuck 'em. LOL!

    I had a bunch of gay friends back up in Idaho I never slept with for that very reason. Good friends, but wouldn't touch any of them icon_biggrin.gif
  • Bunjamon

    Posts: 3161

    Jul 30, 2009 2:11 AM GMT
    I haven't slept with a single one of my gay friends. If you meet guys in an atmosphere where you're friends first, not potental sexual partners, then the issue never seems to even come up, at least for me. I haven't had sex with anyone I met through class or through school groups or intramural sports.
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    Jul 30, 2009 2:22 AM GMT
    I must concede it's one of the biggest hurdles, I had to get over in the gay community, making friends, to just be mates, and nothing else, because every time I've tried to make friends they always wanted more in the long run, and I never did.

    But if you have two truly good friends in the world, you are wealthy. I'm not talking about people you get along with, but people who will stand by you 100%. For this I am wealthy, and I gotten a lot of strength from it.

    Best of kind wishes.
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    Jul 30, 2009 2:23 AM GMT
    I love this topic because i deal with this a lot.

    Every time I meet someone, i always make them aware that I would like to be their friend and only that. They always run away and vanish.

    Why do they run? Why don't they make an attempt at a friendship with me?

    I feel like all they want to do is fuck me. I admire those that stick around and say yeah lets be friends.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 30, 2009 2:39 AM GMT
    i have a lot of friends, i've slept with many of them. being that i almost always require friendship before fucking sort of makes this a certainty.
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    Jul 30, 2009 2:47 AM GMT
    For some reason I seem to have trouble meeting people that just want to be friends without wanting to sleep with me. I really don't understand why.
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    Jul 30, 2009 2:48 AM GMT
    Actually this is one of the reasons I often prefer straight friends - this issue dosn't even come up.
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    Jul 30, 2009 3:42 AM GMT
    Many of my friends were sex partners first. Once they turn into friends, the sex stops, but I've never understood the discomfort many gay men seem to have with being friends with people they've fucked. Maybe it's the compartmentalizing that Chucky mentioned.
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    Jul 30, 2009 4:17 AM GMT
    ObsceneWish saidMany of my friends were sex partners first. Once they turn into friends, the sex stops, but I've never understood the discomfort many gay men seem to have with being friends with people they've fucked. Maybe it's the compartmentalizing that Chucky mentioned.


    i agree. i find it odd and unexplainable why gay guys have a stigma about being friends with guys they've slept with, or with sleeping with friends. just because you're friends with a guy doesn't mean you -have- to sleep with him, and vice versa but it doesn't mean you have to avoid him for either reason as well icon_rolleyes.gif
  • swimmerguy83

    Posts: 16

    Jul 30, 2009 4:56 AM GMT
    i dont like most straight men because they're stupid and yeah i find it hard to have gay friends because yeah theres usually a chemistry (im just that desirable, haha jk)... anyone want SD friends? SD sucks in the gay scene.
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    Jul 30, 2009 5:18 AM GMT
    If you don't want to have sex with your friends, don't be a slave to your own cock and stop blaming it for accidentally falling into the mouth or ass of someone you didn't want to have sex with. If you are meeting people that only want to have sex and aren't interested in friendship, change your approach and stop meeting those people. Either way, you are the common denominator in both equations and you are the only person whose actions and behaviors you can control.

    But seriously - did we really need another thread for people to complain about the cross they bear for being so hot and fuckable? This is like the 4th one today. If you go through life thinking - wait, BELIEVING - that every man on the planet can't wait to fuck you, please please PLEASE wake up.
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    Jul 30, 2009 5:53 AM GMT
    I moved to chicago about a year ago, trying ever so hard to make gay friends! I searched and searched for gay social groups online, couldnt find one, tried meeting people out at bars/lounges, no luck, people are either too clicky, already in their social network, why add another? or maybe im just trying too hard?

    so i started wondering why I can have so many girlfriends...its cause i never flirt, or want to do something with them at all so we become shopping buddies/ friends.....therefore I decided that I would only strike up a conversations with guys that I am not even remotely attracted to, like my girlfriends...well, hope it works!
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Aug 03, 2009 4:58 PM GMT
    KP ... you found the Gay Unicorn icon_wink.gif

    I think this is one of the hardest things to find in the gay world
    Finding a man who either wants to be friends rather than sex partners
    or one that doesn't get all defensive and hurt if you tell them that's what you want
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    Aug 03, 2009 5:36 PM GMT
    There are lots of ways to meet gay guys here in Chicago to develop friendships that don't involve the bars or the internet. When I moved here 2 years ago, I joined the gay bowling league. 200 guys in it, you bowl a different team every week so you meet 5 new people every time. Have made lots of great friends there, and those friends have introduced me to even more friends.

    There are other sports teams you can join as well - CMSA is the official 'umbrella' of all of these different sporting teams and it's cheap to join and participate.

    Most larger cities and, now more than ever, smaller ones are forming similar organizations to provide people with opportunities to play sports, meet people and have fun outside of the bars, you just have to make the minor effort required to join up.

    PS - if you are telling directly or insinuating to people that you have JUST MET that they need to control their dicks because you don't want to have sex with them, maybe the reason they run away isn't because they don't want to have platonic friends but that they think you're a dick for assuming that they were even interested in having sex with you in the first place.
  • oceanblue

    Posts: 7

    Aug 03, 2009 5:45 PM GMT
    Reminds me of the movie, "When Harry Met Sally" because Harry argued that men can't be friends with women they're attracted to because men always want that hook up. Replacing the roles we can find the same complicated scenario. Complicated because as much as you manage your behaviors with your "gay friend" and keep your boundaries clear, you still monitor through your own perceptions of what is appropriate behavior to sustain the friendship. Otherwise your in danger of tipping the scales and creating issues with your gay friend. The outcome is never a good thing. Usually you loose a good friend. I suppose we need an outsider that can help keep this kind of relationship in check.

    I imagine straight friends usually come in contact with this issue and maybe select each other for various reasons not including the potential to have sex. In my opinion, straight men develop friendships with attraction as a significant component. Does it mean that we shouldn't scrutinize their intentions? Maybe not.