Snooping on a boyfriend

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 31, 2009 9:13 PM GMT
    So, I wanted to get some input on the subject of snooping and what to do with the information obtained after all is said and done.

    I'm young, 19, and my boyfriend is only a couple of years older. I'm your average college student, while he has a regular 9-5 and is still working on his degree. Until today, I never really knew what his actual finances were like, though they seemed too good to be true. He has a brand new luxury condo he paid a few hundred grand for, lots of toys, nice clothes, top of the line everything, from his TV to his skin care products. Needless to say, an impressive lifestyle for someone his age.

    We've only been dating a few months now, but at one point early on he did mention that his parents do help him to an extent, but for the most part maintains the attitude that he is able to pay for this lifestyle himself, which made me feel a little insecure, just because I couldn't/can't meet up to that since I'm still in school full-time.

    So, I couldn't resist... I did some snooping around his place and found that while he does make a good salary for someone in their young twenties without a degree, his salary is pretty average at just above $50k. Not a bad salary, but at the same time not one that would finance a luxury lifestyle either.

    I trust him in the sense that I know he would never cheat on me, he really cares about me a lot, and I could definitely see myself with him in the long-run. He's very sweet and treats me like I'm the center of his universe. But, when it comes to finances, I wish he didn't paint such a grande picture and would just be more realistic and down-to-earth. At one point he said I would probably spend the kind of money he does if I made as much as him, which kind of rubbed me the wrong way.

    Was it wrong to look for a hard copy answer to my questions regarding the truth about his finances? And, what should I do with the information now that I have it?

    I'm not very experienced when it comes to relationships, so any advice is welcome.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 31, 2009 9:19 PM GMT
    First, 50k is not average for someone in their early 20's. That is the median HOUSEHOLD income in the US.

    Second, why are you snooping around? It is none of your fucking business. You have only been dating a few months and you are doing this sort of shit already? If I were your boyfriend and found out you couldn't ask me to my face and had to sneak through my personal things to find this little bit of information I would boot your ass to the curb. Be more considerate in the future and talk to your boyfriend or he will dump you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 31, 2009 9:24 PM GMT
    Well, we live in a HCOL area, in which $50k is definitely not the average household income.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 31, 2009 9:43 PM GMT
    Communication. Talk to him. But try not to be too confrontational about it. Just tell him your concerns. And yes, snooping is bad. This is all high school drama. Time to be an adult now.

    As long as it's nothing illegal or harmful, it really shouldn't matter how/where he gets his income.

    And $50K is pretty high for a guy in his 20's. Plus, cost of living is cheaper in your region.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 31, 2009 9:52 PM GMT
    xrichx saidCommunication. Talk to him. But try not to be too confrontational about it. Just tell him your concerns. And yes, snooping is bad. This is all high school drama. Time to be an adult now.

    As long as it's nothing illegal or harmful, it really shouldn't matter how/where he gets his income.

    And $50K is pretty high for a guy in his 20's. Plus, cost of living is cheaper in your region.


    No, that's my point... We live in the DC area where $50k doesn't get you very far.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 01, 2009 2:47 AM GMT
    I think you should tell him what you did so he can dump your untrustworthy arse and go find someone better.
  • ManinSTL

    Posts: 38

    Aug 01, 2009 2:54 AM GMT
    yeah, i agree with the posts. First of all, the amount of money he makes is none of your business, especially at this point in your relationship. Your opinion of his use of money and the lifestyle he lives is just that, your opinion.

    Second, if you have questions you should no rummage around into his personal items, his personal space. If you found it important enough you should have addressed it to him.

    The irony of snooping around, is now you know something that bothers you and you cannot address it with him without disclosing what you did, or being more deceptive.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 01, 2009 2:54 AM GMT
    Snooping=bad idea.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 01, 2009 2:56 AM GMT
    lilTanker saidI think you should tell him what you did so he can dump your untrustworthy arse and go find someone better.


    Ya know, I thought I would never say this... I but I agree with lilTanker on this... lol
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 01, 2009 2:56 AM GMT

    Please don't confront him on this issue, you might learn that the source of his extra income is recycled snoop.
    ...........................................................kc_mobster.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 01, 2009 2:57 AM GMT
    who cares what he makes, he has already said his parents help him out, finances are his business not yours, there are any number of ways he has had a head start on things financial, inheritance, insurance/lawsuit settlement, or as most money "smart" americans do it, access to credit facilities to finance the american dream, if he wants you to know, he'll tell you. If you are falling in love with this guy, show some respect.

    you crossed a line.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 01, 2009 3:03 AM GMT
    wow for some reason the advice given in this post makes me wanna hurl....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 01, 2009 3:05 AM GMT
    like the OP said, he's 19, who didnt do something stupid at that age. OP, you need to respect boundaries, what you did is messed up.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 01, 2009 3:06 AM GMT
    rock17j saidwow for some reason the advice given in this post makes me wanna hurl....


    And? What is yours?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 01, 2009 3:13 AM GMT
    whosyourcdn saidlike the OP said, he's 19, who didnt do something stupid at that age.

    He's 19, not 3, he knows what he did was wrong.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 01, 2009 3:20 AM GMT
    lilTanker said
    whosyourcdn saidlike the OP said, he's 19, who didnt do something stupid at that age.

    He's 19, not 3, he knows what he did was wrong.


    Amen sister,

    Learn to respect your boyfriend's privacy - what he doesn't want you to know at this early stage is HIS business. you had NO RIGHT to go snooping around like that...

    And i don't believe any of this "cost of living" bull, 50k a year for a guy in his 20s is great no matter where you are - especially if you have help paying for housing/bills. do you have ANY idea how far 50k can get you when you have no real payments? i'd like to think that as a college student i'm doing quite well with 10k a year... (not paying for housing etc i count myself WAY lucky!!)

    --

    if down the road you two become REALLY serious, then you have every right to inquire about actual truths about all things financial THAT WILL AFFECT YOU, not just to satisfy some curiosity... Never do these things by snooping - this can ONLY hurt a relationship... if you can't be upfront about things, what makes you think you can be a real couple?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 01, 2009 3:21 AM GMT
    DODGY1974 saidSnooping=bad idea.


    Not always. I had continually asked my ex if he was having an affair (after 8 1/2 years together) with a 20 year old I had seen standing too close to him in pictures from political functions. It wasn't until I looked at his computer one night that I found they had been having an affair for several months.

    Apples and oranges though between finances early on and infidelity after years and years together.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 01, 2009 3:21 AM GMT
    Hmmm....
    what kind of job is this?
    I might want in.
    Snooping shows lack of trust.
    Shame on you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 01, 2009 3:22 AM GMT
    lilTanker said
    whosyourcdn saidlike the OP said, he's 19, who didnt do something stupid at that age.

    He's 19, not 3, he knows what he did was wrong.


    I dont think the fact he's 19 is an excuse, just that we are stupid at that age, and "love" motivates/justifies questionable behaviour in some guys minds.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 01, 2009 3:24 AM GMT

    well if i would be on that situation i probably would done the same for my own safety, what if i get in some one i dont even know is happening or else, even if it would be a month after i met him, and you ask for advice no for freaking judgemental comments,

    just follow your instinct and what ever happen would be your own responsability, not of the one is telling you "its wrong" haha.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 01, 2009 3:36 AM GMT
    Snooping around in general is bad (esp. on your bf about his finances) - I agreed with some of the posters on here that his money/finance is none of your business since you two have been dating for a couple of months, he doesn't have to disclose everything to you yet. So, why don't you come clean and talk to him about what you did, I'm sure he'll forgive you if he really love you. As for the over-spending extravagance lifestyle, simply talk with him about it and compromise. A typical Saturday night dinner date doesn't have to be in a fancy expensive restaurant - it could be just a slice of pizza at some Pizza place - he knows your finance situation because you're a student. And you shouldn't take advantage of him or go over-board (snooping, obsessed with his money) just because he has a good full-time high paying job.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 01, 2009 3:36 AM GMT
    It's called due diligence.

    It's very important that we are prudent and informed in our judgments.

    You had to do what's called discovery and it's very appropriate.

    Due diligence is ALWAYS important in relationships, be it professional, or personal.

    Any expert makes informed decisions. Only a FOOL goes into the game uninformed.

    Your actions were prudent. In the interest of full disclosure, you may wish to tell your bud, BUT, you're not obligated to.

    What you've done is go for a plan for success. Part of that is doing your DISCOVERY.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 01, 2009 3:42 AM GMT
    ragazzi said
    well if i would be on that situation i probably would done the same for my own safety, what if i get in some one i dont even know is happening or else, even if it would be a month after i met him, and you ask for advice no for freaking judgemental comments.


    Yeah... for your safety.... especially if he's escorting. That's actually the first thing that popped into my mind. ....I was reading up on the subject.
    Still.
    Shame.
    ^_^
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 01, 2009 3:42 AM GMT
    my mom always told me when i was younger....."never pay attention to what people have--as you might not be able to do the things they did in order to have it" You should not be jealous of where he is in life. Plus it also sounds to me that your comparing where you are in life to him. Focus on school and if you dont like the present situation...end it.. its that simple.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 01, 2009 3:43 AM GMT
    If you had cause to suspect infidelity then I don't think most people would take issue with your actions.

    I think it would have been more appropriate to ask him about his financial situation rather than to take it upon yourself to go through his stuff.