Best advice after a breakup?

  • mtnjock

    Posts: 104

    Aug 01, 2009 6:59 AM GMT
    I'm sure there are other posts like this somewhere on the site, but I just needed to vent I guess. My bf of 2 years just ended things earlier this week. He is 13 years younger than I and was just not looking to settle down. His past is full of the same pattern: dates older men, falls in love, gets scared, and then ends the relationship. I know I'm not at fault, nor is he, but the pain I feel daily hasn't begun to let up. I miss him, still love him, and want to remain friends with him if I can. All I'm asking for now from you is some advice on how to "get over" him. I'm with my best friends who will not let me leave town until they know I'm in a good enough place to be back home. But once I get back home and my ex isn't there, that's when I'm afraid the real pain will set in. Any advice would be great. Thanks
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 01, 2009 8:29 AM GMT
    this was told to me.. it really didn't do much.. but i thought it was funny..

    The shit has hit the fan, so grab a cloth and start cleaning.

    I've an odd sense of humor sometimes.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Aug 01, 2009 9:28 AM GMT
    Take up knitting .....

    That's not just a comment made for fun
    You need to keep yourself busy and your mind off the break up
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 01, 2009 3:36 PM GMT
    Don't make it harder on yourself by trying an immediate transition into a friendship. Take time apart and get your emotions back together. You'll eventually be a better friend once you've been able to fully get over him romantically.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 01, 2009 4:04 PM GMT
    Ditto what CuriousOne said. Your ex did what he felt was best for him, and you now need to do what's best for you. Note that what's best for you and what you probably WANT to do while you're healing (talk to him regularly, continue having him in your life as much as possible) are usually not synonymous.

    Pamper yourself. Buy some new clothes, go get a new hair cut, do things to make you feel good about you. It's a good time to pick up a new hobby too. A dance class, learn a new language, add a new skill or talent to your arsenal. All the while you'll be keeping yourself busy and thinking about him less. And the most important is to KEEP EXERCISING. It's a proven mood elevator, amongst the many other benefits, and it will certainly help keep you sane while you trudge through those emotional trenches.

    Time is ultimately the only thing that heals you, but you can do certain things to help along the way. It's an awful place to be, and one that many of us have gone through. It doesn't last forever, you WILL get through it. Just make sure you keep yourself as top priority. A friendship with him can happen later, don't bother exerting any of your precious energy on that right now.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 01, 2009 4:08 PM GMT


    LOL, hang out with all of us on here. We, for example, have enjoyed your company immensely online in the past.

    As well, you can focus outwardly rather than just inwardly here, as there are a lot of men that could use a kind virtual shoulder like yours now and then.


    We've spoken with this guy on the phone too, and can happily tell you all he's a 'two thumbs up' great guy.


    -Doug and Bill
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 01, 2009 4:49 PM GMT
    mtnjock saidI'm sure there are other posts like this somewhere on the site, but I just needed to vent I guess. My bf of 2 years just ended things earlier this week. He is 13 years younger than I and was just not looking to settle down. His past is full of the same pattern: dates older men, falls in love, gets scared, and then ends the relationship. I know I'm not at fault, nor is he, but the pain I feel daily hasn't begun to let up. I miss him, still love him, and want to remain friends with him if I can. All I'm asking for now from you is some advice on how to "get over" him. I'm with my best friends who will not let me leave town until they know I'm in a good enough place to be back home. But once I get back home and my ex isn't there, that's when I'm afraid the real pain will set in. Any advice would be great. Thanks


    Remember the good times. The past is over with. Move forward.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 01, 2009 5:00 PM GMT
    mtnjock saidI'm sure there are other posts like this somewhere on the site, but I just needed to vent I guess. My bf of 2 years just ended things earlier this week. He is 13 years younger than I and was just not looking to settle down.


    As an aside, the fact that he was 13 years younger than you is not important. The fact that that 13 years takes you to a 23 y.o. is the significant fact. 20-something year olds barely have had time to make choices for themselves...and one that involves settling down for a life-mate is the last thing I think a man barely out of teenage-hood is equipped to make. Just looking at your profile and picture, he has to be nuts to give you up, unless you are an axe-murderer, by the way. icon_biggrin.gif

    But you already know the answer to your own question. This will pass. But you will have to go through the painful part. You know that.

    Actually, I think that what will happen is that at some point you will be more pissed than hurt. It may take a while, but it will happen.

    Good luck, and my best wishes.

    John
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 01, 2009 5:07 PM GMT
    i know how you feel i just broke up too with a guy that i been with a year a half. so i know it hurts like hell. especially when you wake up and they're not there next to you. or when you want to share something personal but remember he's not there. and it feels like you were planning a life with them to what it seems like a waste now. yea, well the only thing that helps is you start doing things you use to do alone, remember the places you went, pick up the hobbies you let go. start living and one day you will wake to find that he's is a memory and theres someone else there in front of you wanting to create new ones.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 01, 2009 5:10 PM GMT
    also not true. i'm 21 and the only thing i want is to settle down and love someone till the ends of days. i generally don't care about slutting around and having fun, and partying like some others do. call me too mature but i want the relationship that lasts
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 01, 2009 5:16 PM GMT
    First rule after being dumped: don't get mad. Get even.

    Having lived in New Jesey for 6 years, realize that it is relatively easy to get ANYONE rubbed-out for the right price.

    Of course, I would never do that myself. I would have someone do it for me.

    What kind of a monster do you think I am?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 01, 2009 5:25 PM GMT
    I here this guy is available

    Nigellatanker.jpg
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 01, 2009 6:21 PM GMT
    CuriousOne saidDon't make it harder on yourself by trying an immediate transition into a friendship. Take time apart and get your emotions back together. You'll eventually be a better friend once you've been able to fully get over him romantically.


    this is good advice. you need a clean break and get your feelings in order, then you can try to be friends when there are no other feelings involved.

    I had a break up years ago and I couldnt talk to the guy for 7 years...now I can talk to him about each others bf's and it doesnt mean anything to me one way or the other, hes a good friend now, thats it.

    I am not saying it will take you that long though, it did for me because I am so stubborn and bull headed, haha.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 01, 2009 7:40 PM GMT
    The hormone rush from a new crush will erase your brain faster than anything.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 01, 2009 7:48 PM GMT
    I have nothing to add. But I have one question: Why do some posters suggest that OP look forward to a friendship with his ex down the road? Why can't the OP just "erase" the ex forever?
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Aug 01, 2009 7:49 PM GMT
    muchmorethanmuscle saidBen, you're just plain odd.



    And um.......LOL
    Do I dare say it??? LOL

    Sorry to hear about the breakup. I can only imagine. I have friends that talk about
    the "emptiness". I have a long distance relationship, so I'm "alone" so to speak frequently. I think in the end you have to see the logic of the situation (minus emotion) and know that your best to move on. You sound pretty reasoned in summing it up in you original post.. I think just emboding it is what you need to do.
    Try and stay friends if it works.. if not, spend time with friends, with projects and move on. You need to grieve, but your a great guy... don't do yourself a disservice
    and get caught up.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 01, 2009 9:42 PM GMT
    Joined this site just so I could reply to this post as I have gotten my heart broken a few times. I recommend doing the following things during that painful downtime right after the breakup. These are designed to elevate your mood. And after being distracted for awhile, time will start healing your heart.

    1) Workout even more, do more cardio, and enjoy some alone time in the sauna/steam room after the workout.

    2) Shower after workout - at the end of the shower, turn the water to ice cold and stay under it for at least 45 seconds - the shock to your system and cold water actually will help combat the physical side effects of depression and elevate your mood and you will feel refreshed.

    3) Watch a comedy - be it television or movie. Great recommendations for television depending on your humor are - the office, 30 rock, it's always sunny in philadelphia, hung, rescue me, kathy griffin on bravo.

    movies: funny people, the ugly truth, the hangover, role models, zach and miri make a porno, caddyshack, vacation movies, animal house, mumford

    4) DO NOT DRINK. PERIOD. drinking does not help you get over anyone.

    5) DO NOT HAVE SEX. it will not help you get over anyone and will not feel good.

    6) DO masturbate. Treat yourself to your favorite porn and rub one out.

    7) Do something new and different for yourself. GO eat a new restaurant you want to try, sit at the bar or outside.

    icon_cool.gif Volunteer - you will have now more free time so use it to give back - this will make you feel good about YOU.

    9) Do go for a hike or bike ride.

    10). Meet an old friend for coffee. Call someone from your past who always made you smile and buy them a coffee, sit outside and catch up.

    11) Do go out with your friends, talk to them for support.

    12) DO NOT do things you used to do with your ex-boyfriend - restaurants, movies, etc. DO NOT keep any of his old stuff around. T shirts, underwear, etc. One exception is DO go to the gym even if he went with you, you went long before he did and you do that for you. Period.

    13) TREAT YOURSELF. Do the stuff that you like to do, especially things he did not necessarily like to do with you. Favorite food you liked, tv show, hike, etc.

    14) Buy yourself a new shirt, pants, underwear, colonge. One outfit. Hang this and save it for after about a week for when you feel right and are ready to explore the new you.

    15) When you are ready to start exploring the real you - make a list of the things you want out of a relationship - the IDEAL relationship and hold on to that for awhile. You will eventually see that he was not your IDEAL.

    16) READ. Lighthearted fare.

    17) Learn something new. A new language. A new hobby.

    1icon_cool.gif Meditate.

    19). Pay it forward. Buy a stranger a coffee. Put out good energy to the universe and karma will reward you.

    20). Introduce yourself to someone you would like to know. Make a new friend.

    21) Explore new music - either a new group or genre.

    22) Explore yourself - do the things that make you happy and have always made you happy before you were in any relationship.

    Well, mate, give these a go. These things do help you feel better and eventually help you get over a break-up. Sorry someone broke your heart. I know it hurts. Don't hesitate to reach out to anyone. We can all relate to having been hurt. But try these things and avoid the old traps of wallowing, drinking, sex, etc., that only make you feel worse. Enjoy yourself. You have a lot going for you that attracted your ex, so you focus on your positive attributes and you will attract someone new when the time is right. In the meantime, enjoy being alone for a bit, too, and think about all of the things you would like to do with your life. It is your life. RULE YOUR OWN WORLD.

    Hope this helps. Let me know. Peace and sending you some love your way.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 01, 2009 9:56 PM GMT
    Well..whats the point of remaining friends....as him being around will only remind you that he didnt want to settle with you. Furthermore being friends with him will only build false hopes of you two reconciling. I say cut all contact with this individual. Move on but please dont start dating again or do a rebound stint with some other guy...as then you will be the villain lol. Just move on and find an extra curricular activity to take your mind off of the guy. In time you will realize that things happen for a reason.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Aug 01, 2009 10:26 PM GMT
    sorry stud. i think break ups are all very personal and each is handled in its own way. what works for one relationship is not going to necessarily work for the other. i think the important thing is to keep doing whatever you need to do to get by, as i have always felt distraction with work, etc... really helped me survive some rough times.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 01, 2009 10:58 PM GMT
    muchmorethanmuscle said
    HndsmKansan said
    muchmorethanmuscle saidBen, you're just plain odd.



    And um.......LOL
    Do I dare say it??? LOL



    No, don't you DARE say it!!! icon_twisted.gif

    Say what? *looks dumbfounded*

    hector2009 saidI here this guy is available

    Nigellatanker.jpg

    Thats just scary!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 01, 2009 11:02 PM GMT
    lilTanker said
    muchmorethanmuscle said
    HndsmKansan said
    muchmorethanmuscle saidBen, you're just plain odd.



    And um.......LOL
    Do I dare say it??? LOL



    No, don't you DARE say it!!! icon_twisted.gif

    Say what? *looks dumbfounded*

    hector2009 saidI here this guy is available

    Nigellatanker.jpg

    Thats just scary!!!


    thats soo something you would wear on a saturday ..lol
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 01, 2009 11:11 PM GMT
    no it's not..

    it's wrong, it's just wrong... I don't wear glasses while cooking!
  • mtnjock

    Posts: 104

    Aug 03, 2009 3:56 AM GMT
    to those of you who actually replied to my post, i thank you for your advice and kind words. i read your replies and direct emails to me and i feel better. i'm still having a hard time, and my ex calls me daily to see how i'm doing (i do not answer, but he leaves messages) which makes it that much harder. the friends that i am with have told me i look and sound much better than a week ago and i know that i'll be fine. i simply want to thank you guys for being good people. i've said it before and i'll say it again: the majority of men on here offer a great support system when you need it. whether it's advice on fitness, health, or realtionships, we are all here to support one another and for that, this is the best gay site out there. thank you all again. peace
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 03, 2009 3:58 AM GMT
    be sure nobody watches you bury the corpse
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 03, 2009 4:06 AM GMT
    . just take some time for yourself and heal in order to date again.
    . Go swimming, take a class, do photography, whatever you feel happy just doing it alone.
    . As for the younger guy, well he's around 23is something - prob. not a good match for you anyway.
    . When you're ready, date again, see new/other guys - that would eventually heal your wound - best thing to get over someone is to be with somebody else when you're ready to fall in love again. icon_cool.gif