long distance relationships

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    Dec 02, 2007 4:39 AM GMT
    ok, just looking to generate some enlightening discussion on this one, see where it goes. with all the online interactive sites and stuff out there, i think a lot of people are finding ideal guys who don't live near them, and if there's no one near them worth dating (as in cincinnati), they pursue the long-distance option. is there a trick to them? to making them really work? any advice on communication- particularly when differing personality types cause one to value it more than the other? lots of long distance relationships work- i know people who have made them work, and then there are wartime stories of soldiers away from their lovers for long periods of time- what keeps things going? i know i personally get needy and tend to nit-pick about stuff, since i get frustrated at the distance- but if the guys' REALLY worth it- a genuine keeper- what's the best tactical approach to pursuing him long distance? i'm really looking for constructive advice and discussion here (adamant opposition to the very idea of a meaningful LDR aside).
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    Dec 02, 2007 9:47 AM GMT
    Long distance relationship is not as easy as it seems. It might be good at first, but when the time comes that both need physical contact... problem would arise. The loneliness and longing to be with your partner could not be replaced by just everyday chat or everyday phone call.

    If you think you've found the right person but he's too far, the best way to know is to visit him first (or him visit you). In that way, you will know him more before jumping into a big decision to be with him. When things won't go right, you'll surely regret with your decision. So, get to know the person first by visiting him and keep constant communication.

    You might also need to create a goal for both of you or a plan. A plan that will require big decision in the long run like who will move or where to move or where to live together.
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    Dec 02, 2007 10:01 AM GMT
    and once you decide, call me!
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    Dec 02, 2007 12:05 PM GMT
    That was good advice above. Also, you should tell him what you really feel, let him know everything about it, and be ready to make some sacrifices that come along. It is not easy. You probably feel lonely, frustrated by the fact that you two are so far away from eachother, but you can put it all to an end by buying a plane ticket and visiting him. If you can afford it, do it as soon as possible, you never know when can he be liked by somebody from his town.
    Good luck on whatever you decide.
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    Dec 02, 2007 1:41 PM GMT
    Man i could write a frikkin book on this one. My partner and I will be together 3 years as of 12/11/07. We met online and live 2 hours apart. When we first started seeing each other we would visit one another as much as possible. We had an instant connection and things flowed so naturally, like we had always been together...soul mates if you will. Once I realized this was getting really serious I sat him down and told him that we needed to talk about this. I told him the long distance was ok for now but eventually it would not be enough for me and that I would want to be with him on a permanent basis. But, I could not move to him. I had just made fulltime at a good job that took me 5 years to do. His job he could transfer easily. I owned my house, he rented and I have my children here, his mother is the only relative he has keeping him there which he helps take care of her somewhat. We both agreed for us to be together he would have to move here and he said he would. Three years later I am still waiting. We have made great strides by working on the house together and so forth...making plans what we will do when we are together. I realize he has to move in his own time but it is taking alot longer than I expected. During the last 3 years both of us get so tired of talking on the phone everyday and not being together. Just to have that physical interaction on a daily basis would be so nice. Alot of or arguments that we have had I feel comes from the frustration of the distance, lonliness, and companionship we crave for that person. I love him dearly with every fiber of my being but at the same time how long do you wait? And if you decide you cant be together physically all the time then is long distance going to satisfy you long term? I know it doesn't for me. I cant imagine it satisfying anyone that really loves the person...eventually you would want a real life with that person. My advice would be to take is slow. Make sure once you realize it is serious you lay out your expectations of the relationship. Wether it'd be eventually moving or whatever the case. Be honest with each other what you want and what type of relationship you want. We have had issues come up that I totally disagree with but he didn't see a problem with and it has caused alot of problems for us but we have worked through them. The distance gets old...the phone calls get older! But when I hear his voice on the other end every day, even after 3 years its like I am hearing it for the first time. I cant go a day without talking to him, or without telling him good night. I think if you meet the right person it is worth it. But I warn you, if they are the right person and you truly fall in love....the distance between you will be even harder because you will crave him everyday. You will want to be closer and closer and closer. I have told my partner that it hurts more being with him and being alone than if I were single, and he agrees and feel the same way. To have someone you truly love and you cannot hold them everyday, kiss them good morning or roll over and hold them in the night is excruciating. But I hang on the to hope that one day it will be.
  • waltex

    Posts: 140

    Dec 02, 2007 2:12 PM GMT
    I am speaking from experience.

    Long distance relationships should be temporary and eventually lead to living in the same town or co-habitation. If the guy is worth it . . somebody eventually has to move to the same town.

    If you require a plane trip for each visit, it is like going on vacation for each visit and you see each other on best behavior.

    But you never really get to know someone unless you have the chance to develop a full relationship by living close to each other.

    Otherwise, it is just a fantasy relationship . . . .

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    Dec 02, 2007 2:25 PM GMT
    to redbull:
    Damn, man this story totally got me. I have a simmilar problem, it's not a relationship, but there is a guy who I fell for on a large scale. Yet you should consider yourself lucky, because distance between me and him is way longer than two hours (I'm in Southern Europe, he's on the West Coast)icon_sad.gif
    Yet, I am planning to move to US permanently just to get to know him, and to study at one of the universities.
    The point is that I'm still closeted, so I can't tell anyone about this problem, and damn it, it doesn't feel good at all. So when I look at your post, I wish that I could be in your shoes.
    I'm not saying your problem is not any smaller, but be grateful that distance isn't any bigger.
    Believe me, you don't know how it is to fall for someone who's on the other side of globe.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16305

    Dec 02, 2007 3:19 PM GMT
    My bf have been involved 9 years, mostly in a long distance relationship (about 100 miles). Its challenging, but works.
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    Dec 02, 2007 5:29 PM GMT
    Anything is possible. If you have met someone whom you "connect" with on many levels that's 75% of the battle. Congratulations on that. My partner and I have been doing the long distance thing (175 miles) for Four and a half years now. We've made a great life together. We own a home in both cities and commute back and forth as often as we can. We both are tied to very rewarding and lucrative jobs and that's been the reason for niether of us making the move. However, that said, the distance has been the unmentioned "elephant in the room" for most of the relationship. To make a longh story short, we are planning on selling everything and moving to Hawaii TOGETHER. We've used the past 4.5 yrs. to make sure the love is real, the committment long term, and our hopes and dreams can be shared. I don't think the long distance thing would work indefinately for us but it may for others. I would definately not walk away from someone I fell in love with just because of the distance. Just keep in mind that it will probably involve one or both people moving at some point. Such is life... and Love.
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    Dec 02, 2007 6:57 PM GMT
    Firecat and I have been involved in a long distance relationship for over 3 years now. He is in Ontario, Canada and I am in Virginia. We met online. We fell for each other over time. It was instant by any means. The first year we were like acquaintences...steady penpals. The second year grew into friendship and onto deep affection for each other. The past year has greatly deepened our emotional bonds. His life has grown tremendously due to our relationship. I am so impressed with how he has expanded himself and his activities. I have gotten thru my cancer therapy with his comfort.

    Our relationship formed, deepened, and endured on an intellectual level. We both have almost identical intellectual interests. And together we stimulate our interests.

    I rather attribute our success to the distant between us, because we didnt just jump into bed together at first sight. Our emotions have had lots of time to grow and develop between us. We now have a very strong love between us. Altho I have physical access to lots of men here in the DC area, I have no interest. (Ok, I have no testosterone now either) But my emotional attachment to Firecat is so strong that I cannot even imagine being with any of the cuties I see at the gym.

    The issue of living together someday is still before us. Firecat spent a lot of time looking at houses online and dreaming yesterday. Apparently, we are going to end up on Prince Edward Island in Canada. Fine by me. I dont care as long as we are together and there is space for a woodshop and enough land for a veggie garden, and the place isnt mosquito haven. (Altho all the architecture up there looks Victorian which doesnt thrill me...hey, I am Virginian...we dont do Victorian around here.)

    Well, that is our story, Czarodziej. Do you have any questions after reading it?
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    Dec 02, 2007 11:18 PM GMT
    thanks dh for the props. I am glad that we are no further apart than what we are, but he truth be told I dont think I would pursue a relationship with someone where the distance was even further...but you never know until your in that situation. Its easy to say when its not happening to you and your feelings aren't involved. This is the first long dist rel. for me and hopefully the last. It has been hard on both of us and we both feel the same that the distance is to much. I think if we didnt have goals and plans to live together it would fall apart due to the lonliness of having someone special and not being with them, kind of a catch 22 isnt it. I applaude the people that have maintained lng dist rel for so long and and even larger distance. I think it takes a special person and relationship to make it work and if it works for them thats great, but I dont think I could do it.
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    Dec 03, 2007 1:30 PM GMT
    I dont know, for me he's very special person, and I feel like I could do anything to make it happen. Now I'm just one step closer to doing that. Just did my SATs, I'm quite satisfied with how I did it, now all that's left is for me to get to the university that's near him. Even if it doesn't work out as I expect, I hope that we will be friends at least.
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    Dec 04, 2007 11:52 AM GMT
    Wow, I hope it works out...the feelings you have for him must be really intense!! You dont hear of that kind of devotion every day...I hope it works out for both of you, after all this you definitely deserve it!!!icon_biggrin.gif
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    Dec 04, 2007 6:45 PM GMT
    Thank you for your support redbull. I don't know, this is all quite new for me, never really felt this before, and it's like he triggered something within me that makes me do whatever it takes to get near him.
    And I'll do it.
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    Dec 04, 2007 6:58 PM GMT
    I would say...chill, dude. Such intense feelings are not sustainable. How long have you known this guy? I would say dont do anything precipitous for a YEAR!!! Yes, a YEAR! Acting in the heat of passion is foolish...which is why a whole lot of relationships fail. While your brain is flying high on the endorphins of the first passion, you are not thinking straight. Cool it. Give it time. Nobody is that damn good...give yourself time to learn more about him and for him to learn about you.

    ...just the humble advice of an older and more experienced man.
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    Dec 04, 2007 7:05 PM GMT
    Any advice is welcome, thanks a lot, yet I'm not gonna do it just now, more likely next August when my semester will begin. I guess that I will know him better by then. Yet it is not only that reason, I wnat to get out of Balkans, I lived through two wars,one in Bosnia, and one in Kosovo, lost a lot of my relatives here, don't wanna go through that again. And Bosnia is now really unstable due to politics here. And my best chance to make my life better is moving somewhere far away from here.