What is a relationship really meant to be?

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    Aug 02, 2009 5:27 AM GMT
    I'm in my early twenties and at this point have only been in two relationships. The first lasted only a few months before it just wasn't working out anymore. The second, my current relationship, is going on two months.

    My current relationship is everything I would picture when trying to define a "long-term relationship". We both have enough in common to share time with one another, but enough differences to keep things somewhat interesting. My boyfriend is very sweet and caring, everything a guy could ask for. With that said, this has the potential to be a long-term, safe relationship.

    On a day to day basis, I'm usually content with our relationship. I'm happy with it sometimes, while other times I yearn for the days when I was excited at the prospect of a new mate and could do as I please on a daily basis, without regularly fitting in another individual. I suppose our relationship is safe and lacking of drama, but it doesn't really excite me. I'm just content with it. It is what it is.

    Is this just the reality of what it's truly like to be in a relationship?

    Of course, one would probably assume that I should end this relationship, as I'm clearly not entirely fulfilled by it. But, it's more complicated than that.

    On one hand, I'm still young and fear that I'll regret settling down and not having fun at this stage in my life. While on the other hand, I fear that I'll regret ending the relationship, simply because I feel like he's such a good catch, that it would be foolish to let him go.

    I may be going away to school shortly. Would a break, with hopes of reuniting later on be a realistic option?

    Thank you for your thoughts.
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    Aug 02, 2009 5:49 AM GMT


    Ouch!
    "On one hand, I'm still young and fear that I'll regret settling down and not having fun at this stage in my life. While on the other hand, I fear that I'll regret ending the relationship, simply because I feel like he's such a good catch, that it would be foolish to let him go."

    ...you need to be careful here, that you're not experiencing 'prizititis', where you're looking at your BF in an analytical manner as 'perfect' and not seeing that he and the relationship are not things, but a person (him) and an interpersonal ongoing dynamic (the relationship). It's not terribly uncommon to feel this, so we'll ask...
    ...are there any sparks at all? Define fun and if you're having any with him.

    -standing by, us
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    Aug 02, 2009 6:06 AM GMT
    a relationship is not all excitment..

    Life is a dull march toward death, occasionally you've something a little exciting happen.

    a partner is someone you have to march with you, keep you company, that you enjoy just having around, that you occasionally confide in, sometimes love, sometimes hate, sometimes argue, but through it all, you'd still want that person there.

    a relationship isn't a movie, it isn't grand, it isn't fantastically wonderful filled with magic and wonderful bullshit..

    it's a coexistence with another person that you find your self oddly compelled to have in your life.
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    Aug 02, 2009 6:21 AM GMT
    mndreadr3Would a break, with hopes of reuniting later on be a realistic option?


    My 2 cents is that your issues are of your own doing. You entered a relationship with your life up in the air without being sure what it was you wanted out of it. The really bad part of it is that you're taking another individual on a ride while you figure this stuff out.

    Let me answer your question above by asking you if you'd be open to re-entering a relationship with someone who essentially broke up with you for no legitimate cause other than so he could explore whether or not there's something better out there with the intention of keeping you as an option should the attempt to find something better fail. That's is completely and totally selfish thinking. I do not mean to attack you, but you need to understand that there is another person who has thoughts and feelings of his own involved in this. You need to take him into full consideration before you make any decisions either way. It might be best just to let him go for his sake without leaving anything up in the air. That would be a case where the "it's me, not you" speech would be the utmost truth.
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    Aug 02, 2009 2:01 PM GMT
    I have to agree with Runninchlt, don't keep him on the hook for reuniting. If you feel the need to explore what else is out there, do it. Don't be a chicken-shit and hold onto him with one hand while reaching out the other to explore. If you find nothing else out there that makes you as happy, well then you'll have to own that and ask to have him back. But that's the risk -- he may have moved on and fallen in love with someone who is capable of creating/maintaining spark in the context of a long-term relationship.
  • baldone

    Posts: 826

    Aug 02, 2009 2:05 PM GMT
    lilTanker saida relationship is not all excitment..

    Life is a dull march toward death, occasionally you've something a little exciting happen.

    a partner is someone you have to march with you, keep you company, that you enjoy just having around, that you occasionally confide in, sometimes love, sometimes hate, sometimes argue, but through it all, you'd still want that person there.

    a relationship isn't a movie, it isn't grand, it isn't fantastically wonderful filled with magic and wonderful bullshit..

    it's a coexistence with another person that you find your self oddly compelled to have in your life.
    could not have said this any better..a relationship is just that, its not a constant party, its day to day life...its having your best friend in your life, loving that friend, sharing and confiding and most of all just living each day with that one person that you can't wait to come home to
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 02, 2009 2:15 PM GMT
    I think a relationship ( a good one) is about security.

    You feel secure being yourself, a human being. The other person doesn't have a checklist of requirements of you being a perfect guy. Faults and imperfections are part of the reason why you love each other.
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    Aug 02, 2009 2:16 PM GMT
    Here here kissingpro! I love the voice of clarity and wisdom!
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    Aug 02, 2009 2:59 PM GMT
    Where you seem to feel you are currently in the relationship, is in a place where you are 'settling'. The issue isn't that this may or may not be your perfect mate or not. The issue is that you are clearly not ready for it yet.
    If you give up this relationship, you may at some point in your life say "I lost the best guy I ever had." However, if you stay in the relationship now with the thoughts your having, then you will eventually be miserable because you will always be looking for 'something better' or you will feel like you settled too soon.
    Other than dumb luck which is as rare as winning Powerball, you need to have more experiences in your life and to make more mistakes to really know what you want, what you don't want and have a better ability to recognize what those needs really are based on real life rather than what you think real life will be.
    A while back I told my bf that, while I'd never wish my life on anyone, I'm glad of those beautiful or painful or interesting experiences, because in learning from them, I can truly recognize what I have now, I can see what it's worth to me, and how it compares to everything I've experienced in my life: both good and bad. My decisions are made not on powerful emotional impulse. They are thought through with consideration of the emotional impact and the pragmatic. A difficult series of life experiences has taught me to never let a 'knee jerk' reaction become a significant life decision.

    No one can really tell you how good you have it, or how bad, or how mediocre. Even your own life experience is insufficient to give you a good answer. So no matter what you choose, there will be problems that you will be faced with whose solutions will hopefully teach you as you grow into your own life.
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Aug 02, 2009 3:02 PM GMT
    A relationship is the hardest job you will ever have.
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    Aug 02, 2009 3:12 PM GMT
    SD_92101 saidThat is a question with no right or wrong answer. It's all relative to the people involved in it.

    Absolutely! And so lots of other great responses here, that may apply to the situation with you guys, or not.

    We were just out for drinks at a gay bar with a big group of friends, as is our usual Friday night routine. And 3 of the couples with us have ALL been together anywhere from 15 to 25 years. And everyone of these 6 guys had been with their partners since your age. And not too long ago we spent a lovely evening with an RJ couple, of 40 years, who had obviously been together since college.

    It's certainly possible to go LTR young, and maybe desirable, depending upon the couple as SD states. So I wouldn't rule it out, but you must face the decision if it's right for you. There I can't help you, only to tell you that it does happen, and very beautifully, with the rewards of an LTR outweighing for many the trade-offs of having numerous casual lovers instead.
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    Aug 02, 2009 3:16 PM GMT
    mndreadr3 saidI'm in my early twenties and at this point have only been in two relationships. The first lasted only a few months before it just wasn't working out anymore. The second, my current relationship, is going on two months.

    Two months? That's a relationship? I think you're confused about the difference between a relationship and a dating period.
    Check back six months from now and by then you'll know the answer to your original question.
  • modi5mind

    Posts: 20

    Aug 02, 2009 5:36 PM GMT
    TheGuyNextDoor said
    Latenight30 saidA relationship is the hardest job you will ever have.

    Until you find the right guy,, then it's best job with the greatest perks you ever had...icon_cool.gif


    Easier said than done...............
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 03, 2009 4:08 AM GMT

    Voluntary exclusion, like when an astronaut agrees to explore space. He's off the market in a major way, but the wonders he finds, the sights he sees, and the contentment his heart feels; he wouldn't trade them.
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    Aug 05, 2009 7:38 PM GMT
    lilTanker saida relationship is not all excitment..

    Life is a dull march toward death, occasionally you've something a little exciting happen.

    a partner is someone you have to march with you, keep you company, that you enjoy just having around, that you occasionally confide in, sometimes love, sometimes hate, sometimes argue, but through it all, you'd still want that person there.

    a relationship isn't a movie, it isn't grand, it isn't fantastically wonderful filled with magic and wonderful bullshit..

    it's a coexistence with another person that you find your self oddly compelled to have in your life.


    Very well said! I think love and passion is up and down throughout a relationship. If you stick with it long enough, it all usually comes back - sometimes it might take a little longer...that is normal.

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    Aug 05, 2009 7:47 PM GMT
    Have posted it before, am posting it again. You're being a Desmond.

    "Desmond's own relationships had tended to be short-term tugging matches. If he met someone he was interested in, he worried they wouldn't find him attractive or interesting enough. But if they reciprocated his enthusiasm, he felt the bar had been raised on his own net worth and was plagued by thoughts that he could have done better. It was like shopping in Morocco - once your offer was received, you felt you should have driven a harder bargain.

    The best way to avoid this cycle of disappointment was to flirt with friends and fuck with strangers and thus keep yourself suspended in a safe no-man's land somewhere between loneliness and suffocation. No soaring highs, but none of that 'get me out of here!' anxiety, either. And, after all, a comfortable emotional flatline was the Holy Grail half the population was seeking; how else do you explain the popularity of prozac, hydroponic tomatoes and Tom Hanks?"

    - Stephen McCauley in "Good Enough"
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    Aug 05, 2009 7:58 PM GMT
    It sounds like in theory, you've convinced yourself this is a good long-term relationship investment. In actuality, I think maybe you recognize that you're not ready for that particular relationship just yet. And that's fine - it takes time and trial and error to fine-tune exactly what you want out of a relationship and your future partner. I think, though, it sounds like the two of you need to have a bit of a talk.
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    Aug 05, 2009 8:13 PM GMT
    mndreadr3 saidOn one hand, I'm still young and fear that I'll regret settling down and not having fun at this stage in my life. While on the other hand, I fear that I'll regret ending the relationship, simply because I feel like he's such a good catch, that it would be foolish to let him go.


    Then why not have fun WITH your boyfriend? What kind of fun are you looking for? If you want wild and crazy sex then put in the effort to make your sex wild and crazy! If you don't want to be tied down, then pick roots together. Move across the country or travel. You will want to have fun when you are 20 and when you are 80. You don't fuck everything at 20 and then simply recall it fondly when you reach the ripe old age of 30.

    Your boyfriend isn't just the guy who remembers your birthday and gives you blow jobs. He is also the guy with whom you explore what life has to offer.
  • CuriousJockAZ

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    Aug 05, 2009 8:13 PM GMT
    A relationship is meant to be fulfilling and rewarding, as well as a two-way street --- whether it be a love relationship or a friendship.

    My general rule of thumb when it comes to relationships is "If someone doesn't enhance my life, they aren't in it".
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    Aug 05, 2009 8:36 PM GMT
    CuriousJockAZ said
    My general rule of thumb when it comes to relationships is "If someone doesn't enhance my life, they aren't in it".


    This is a great approach. It only took me half a century or so to get this!
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    Aug 05, 2009 9:02 PM GMT
    My God this is like death LOL more to life than that
    Yes it is the Hardest job.. Yes its not the best thing at every wakeing minute of life it is what it is.. you make it or you break it but
    when its good oh its good Im still looking for my best friend icon_biggrin.gif
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    Aug 08, 2009 5:56 AM GMT
    1. You are not in love.

    2. Please eschew categories.