Are monogamous long term relationships worth it?

  • modi5mind

    Posts: 20

    Aug 02, 2009 3:04 PM GMT
    Hey guys,

    Not to sound like a downer, but l just broke up with a guy after being more than 6 years together. I have noticed that a lot of gay-themed romance movies are promoting open relationships. Does it work? Is it worth the risk given HIV/AIDS out there? Or should l just stick to the principle of committing oneself to another?
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Aug 02, 2009 3:07 PM GMT
    I think each relationship has its own flavor... open or no, its up to the participants, as far as the potential benefits and potential issues.

    I've always been a long term relationship prone guy. I found myself in a relationship before I knew what I even wanted. I certainly have no complaints!

    icon_biggrin.gif
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    Aug 02, 2009 3:08 PM GMT

    lol Welcome to Realjock, modi5mind!

    Bill was in a relationship that ended painfully at about 12 years.

    Then he met me about 20 years ago...


    -Doug of meninlove
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    Aug 02, 2009 3:14 PM GMT
    It really depends on the people involved. I struggle intellectually with whether or not human beings are even able to be completely monogamous over time. That said, I've been with the same man for nearly 8 years.

    I don't think you should let a break up determine your view on monogamy or not. Right now, you're probably still hurting and it's not a good time to make life choices. My recommendation (for what it's worth) is that you get your feet wet casually dating and wait on making a commitment. But don't rule out a future exclusive relationship until you've had time to work through the fall out from the last 6 years.
  • modi5mind

    Posts: 20

    Aug 02, 2009 3:45 PM GMT
    Thanks guys, your advice is worth considering. I know l am still hurting because l feel like l wasted six years of my life and feel disappointed with myself. So now that l considering dating again, open relationship seems to be the 'in thing' and l know personally it is not me. I just wanted to confirm that the concept of monogamous relationship still exists. As for long term relationships, is it healthy to consider the possiblity of an breakup? Because l know for me six years is a long time but it casts doubt on possibility of being together with someone for a very long time.(no offence meninlove
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    Aug 02, 2009 3:53 PM GMT


    heheh, no offence taken - for what?

    You know, you're in the hurtin' stage, but don't think any of 6 years was wasted. Here's a thought: you wouldn't feel bad right now if you hadn't really loved, right?
    So, from this you know you CAN love. It's a tremendously valuable ability to have.

    Our advice is this: to not let this experience control your future. If either of us had done that we never would have met, nor continued with each other.


    sincerely, Doug and Bill of meninlove
  • modi5mind

    Posts: 20

    Aug 02, 2009 5:15 PM GMT
    meninlove said

    heheh, no offence taken - for what?

    You know, you're in the hurtin' stage, but don't think any of 6 years was wasted. Here's a thought: you wouldn't feel bad right now if you hadn't really loved, right?
    So, from this you know you CAN love. It's a tremendously valuable ability to have.

    Our advice is this: to not let this experience control your future. If either of us had done that we never would have met, nor continued with each other.


    sincerely, Doug and Bill of meninlove


    Thanks, you both should be congratulated for being good exemplars
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    Aug 02, 2009 6:07 PM GMT
    Christian73It really depends on the people involved. I struggle intellectually with whether or not human beings are even able to be completely monogamous over time. That said, I've been with the same man for nearly 8 years.


    Of course they are capable. Human beings have the ability to reason and make decisions. It's just the fact that their decisions are often very self centered ones. Especially nowadays when it's much more socially acceptable to play wedding bells one year, and be signing court documents the next. Why? Because people don't want to sacrifice even the smallest things to meet someone in the middle. Relationships don't work if people only take themselves and their own needs into consideration.


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    Aug 02, 2009 7:26 PM GMT
    Runninchlt said
    Christian73It really depends on the people involved. I struggle intellectually with whether or not human beings are even able to be completely monogamous over time. That said, I've been with the same man for nearly 8 years.


    Of course they are capable. Human beings have the ability to reason and make decisions. It's just the fact that their decisions are often very self centered ones. Especially nowadays when it's much more socially acceptable to play wedding bells one year, and be signing court documents the next. Why? Because people don't want to sacrifice even the smallest things to meet someone in the middle. Relationships don't work if people only take themselves and their own needs into consideration.


    I'm not sure that's a fair assessment. There are almost no mammals that are completely monogamous throughout their adult lifespans. Now, I'm not saying we can't make a conscious decision to be monogamous, but I do wonder if it's something that we're designed for over the long-run.
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    Aug 02, 2009 8:07 PM GMT
    m5mAre monogamous long term relationships worth it?

    OP, what do you mean by "it"? What is the price of a monogamous relationship for you? Is the monogamous aspect of a relationship a sacrifice for you? For a monogamous relationship to work, both partners have to really want to be in such a relationship. If you don't really want it, you will not be happy in a monogamous LTR.
    Only you can determine what kind of relationship would make you happy. Don't let other people, TV, movies, books etc. tell you what you should do.
    Imo a relationship will only go the distance if both partners are on the same page regarding the level of exclusivity and communicate openly and honestly with each other.
    BTW using condoms greatly reduces the chances of getting HIV/Aids
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    Aug 02, 2009 8:08 PM GMT

    QUOTE AUTHOR GOES HEREAre monogamous long term relationships worth it?


    Nah, they're boring.
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    Aug 02, 2009 8:10 PM GMT
    Be 9 years later this month. He's not the type I usually drool over. My sex drive is more active than his. He works too much and could loose a few pounds. But I love him and he loves me. He puts up with my crap. We almost complete each others sentences. He laughs at my lousy jokes...and no one else would have me.icon_wink.gif
    Don't think this one relationship set the stage for the next one. Each one is different because each guy is different. Thank God!
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    Aug 02, 2009 9:16 PM GMT
    You just have to love people looking for general answers to very specific questions.

    Plus you just have to love the idea of turning to popular media to find answers.

    If you don't fancy being in a monogamous long term relationship, then don't be in one, but try to keep an open mind.
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    Aug 02, 2009 9:22 PM GMT
    redheadguy said
    QUOTE AUTHOR GOES HEREAre monogamous long term relationships worth it?


    Nah, they're boring.

    dear heart, Saturday night to Monday morning does not constitute a long term relationship.....so how would you know?
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    Aug 02, 2009 9:25 PM GMT
    Mr Caslon5billion: You are a very cheeky boy.
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    Aug 02, 2009 9:34 PM GMT
    Christian73 said
    Runninchlt said
    Christian73It really depends on the people involved. I struggle intellectually with whether or not human beings are even able to be completely monogamous over time. That said, I've been with the same man for nearly 8 years.


    Of course they are capable. Human beings have the ability to reason and make decisions. It's just the fact that their decisions are often very self centered ones. Especially nowadays when it's much more socially acceptable to play wedding bells one year, and be signing court documents the next. Why? Because people don't want to sacrifice even the smallest things to meet someone in the middle. Relationships don't work if people only take themselves and their own needs into consideration.


    I'm not sure that's a fair assessment. There are almost no mammals that are completely monogamous throughout their adult lifespans. Now, I'm not saying we can't make a conscious decision to be monogamous, but I do wonder if it's something that we're designed for over the long-run.

    long term or not, at the end of the day, everything you do is a decision you make... you choose to be monogamous, you've the choice to not be if you so wanted.. I think it's more human nature to want what we don't have. I also think we have a drive to hehe give every suitable candidate our little swimmers icon_razz.gif but, being human you can make a decision not too and people are capable of turning that drive to there needs and desires.

    In the long run, you can choose and you can choose to be happy about it.
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    Aug 02, 2009 9:35 PM GMT

    I don't think someone who was truly ready for monogamy would concentrate on gain, worth, or what they can get from the other person. I always thought monogamy was based on the desire to accommodate the other person and they you, which results in the two of you gaining without your hands out, "gimme, gimme," or putting too many demands on your partner. If you want instant gratification, stay single.






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    Aug 02, 2009 10:02 PM GMT
    I never thought I would be in an open relationship but after 9 years together we decided to try something new. We didn't act on it for another 3 months but it works for us for now. We may one day go back to monogamy and that's OK, too. As long as I have my boyfriend then I'm happy. If we should ever break up then I will try again because we've had great times together and I would want to continue to have great times with a new love.

    Trust, love, comfort and communication; the things you need for any relationship make it worth the time, effort and pain. Open or not is not really the issue but do you love each other to be willing to share your life together.

    As Dan Savage has said time and time again: all relationships you will be in will end until one doesn't. <- paraphrased but you get the gist.

    The choice you have to make is whether the pain you feel now will dominate your life and prevent you from moving on.

    Peace
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    Aug 03, 2009 12:27 AM GMT
    I dont understand what an "open relationship, play together only" means?

    Isnt "play together only" a closed relathionship? I mean, even if there a third person once in a while, isnt that just a menage a trois?
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    Aug 03, 2009 12:48 AM GMT

    If only being monogamous were the only challenge. icon_eek.gif
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    Aug 03, 2009 12:57 AM GMT
    I think the only reason you're hearing more about open relationships is that's the next taboo to explore. The Gays flung themselves out of the closet and into mainstream culture in America in the late 60s and 70s. There was a struggle in the 80s, some conditional acceptance in the 90s, and progress being made in the 2000s. Mainstream society LOVES sexual taboo and we Gays LOVE being the center of attention.

    Personally, I look forward to the attention passing from my sexuality and onto Trans issues or otherwise. I am anxious to be the passé sexual taboo. I just want to live, love, grow and nurture.

    Sorry to hear about your 6 year relationship. My last was near that long and I had similar negative things to say about it right after the split. In the last 4+ years I've learned to love again, this time much improved due in part to the experience he helped me gain. I've forgiven him and myself for making some bad decisions. My hope is that you'll forgive him and yourself and take stock of what it is that you need, monogamy, single-dom, personal growth, whatever. Don't compromise what you believe, no matter how hot he may be.

    Be well!
    Jon