How do you feel about affectionate straight guys?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 02, 2009 11:12 PM GMT
    When I was younger there was a certain type of straight guy that would frustrate me in a sort of fun way. After a few drinks they would become particularly affectionate. They were always guys with whom I had a strong physical attraction towards so it always left me wondering if it could ever go a bit further. On the one hand I feared if I suggested we go beyond the hugs, shoulder massages and arm in arm walks I might loose him as a friend or at the very least he would not feel comfortable being so affectionate. I remember walking arm in arm with one such friend for a quarter of a mile before he said, I suppose if anyone saw they would think were gay. He was sharing a room with me that night and proceeded to sleep nude.

    At that point in my life I was just coming to terms with my sexuality. Now I am older and wiser and these things just don't happen as often. But something interesting did happen recently. I was at my niece’s wedding and met a lot of young men in their 20s. My niece and I expect her husband know I’m gay but I can’t say how many of their friends would know. One was quite the handsome young man and we shared a few conversations about our love of outdoor sports among other subjects. He's married and I met his wife as well. The day after the marriage a large contingent from the wedding party went on a boat ride on a lake. We had two generations on the boats: his and mine. When I climbed onto the boat he was on he smiled at me while messing my hair up with his hands. We started doing back flips off the boat and worked on egg beating which he did much better than I as he told me he had played water polo in college. When we finished the boat ride, he put his hand on my back, we shook hands a few more times before we would go separate ways.

    I don't suppose I'll see much of him in the future given that he lives halfway across the country but it left me feeling a bit intrigued by what had passed. I know in many other cultures this behavior would be quite normal but he is as all-american as they come. I can't say it frustrates me like it use to as I accept that fact that we live in two different worlds. In fact I see it now from a different perspective. I guess it is quite normal for a guy who meets someone new that he likes to want to show a few small signs of affections. Perhaps this guy has the guts to do it while most other straight guys are conditioned not to. In any case he made me feel like a young jock again and I guess that is why I liked it so much.

    I’m curious to know how other guys feel when they meet a good-looking straight guy who is more affectionate than the norm. Do you meet these types of guys? Did any of you exhibit a similar behavior before you came out?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 02, 2009 11:26 PM GMT
    Before I came out, I was the complete opposite - just the fear of being found out made me less inclined to be openly affectionate of other guys.

    Also if I meet a guy who's more affectionate than others, I'm cool with it. I don't read too much into other people's behaviour nowadays as its emotionally draining to be wondering about others sexuality. Furthermore I feel happy that straight guys are comfortable to display affection to me in "personal" ways such as body contact, hugs, etc, whether they know my sexuality or not.
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    Aug 02, 2009 11:37 PM GMT
    I know what you mean though that some overly affectionate straight men can lead you on and send mixed signals. I guess it depends on whether or not the guy is definitely just a friend or there's a possibility that it could be more. I knew a guy like this in college and I wasn't the only person who thought he came off as a flirting and not just affectionately touching.

    Overall, I'm fine with straight male affection. I hug all of my friends when I greet them, even the straight guys. I guess it's just when someone seems like they're flirting that things can be confusing.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 02, 2009 11:41 PM GMT
    Oh God Yes,,,,,
    A co-worker [who's str8] always offers me a ride home and he lives in the opposite direction, which is nice of him but he also informs me of how large his dick is....I like him because he's freakin Gorg but i'm not sure if i should take the plunge...
    Theres also a str8 bartender at the [gay] club who always leans forward so we can kiss, i know thats not such a big deal but now he's simulating how he gives tounge....Now everyone keeps asking me''What have you done to him?''
    I dont mind the gestures but i'm starting to think..HEY GO FOR IT....
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13999

    Aug 02, 2009 11:43 PM GMT
    I have a hard time with affection.
  • kita

    Posts: 26

    Aug 02, 2009 11:57 PM GMT
    I think Friendormate has a really interesting point, but I also think he's turned it around a little. To me, it seems the strange thing isn't the straight guys who are affectionate, but rather the ones who are so up tight they won't allow themselves to be affectionate at all.

    While I've seen this in people from all different countries, it seems a lot of American guys have this problem. They're just so afraid that others will think they're "some kind of queer" that they go to extreems to prove their heterosexuality. I've seen this quite a bit in closeted guys too.

    It seems to me that things are starting to loosen up somewhat. Guys who are secure in their sexuality are also secure enough to be physically affectionate with other guys--while sober--and not worry about what other people think.

    Perhaps this comes from the increasing acceptance of gays and lesbians in American society at large or people are just getting tired of always being on guard. What ever, I think it's a great thing--even if it can cause a little confusion from time to time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 03, 2009 12:18 AM GMT
    I was active duty and had the best circle of friends. most of them were straight guys and knew my being gay. i always seem to have a straight guy who always became closer than others. they become more than affectionate, not just physically, verbally, but they also got possessive. of course only in a way straight guys would get jealous of their gay best friends. he would always make sure that we spend time together and checks in with me with things. although ive had straight guy friends tell me they're curious and would want to experiment, its the really sincere friendships that i liked the best.

    besides, who doesnt like flirting with straight guys that flirt back? icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 03, 2009 12:29 AM GMT
    When I was young and closeted I shunned physical affection from other guys for fear of being outed before I was ready.

    Presently, I have many straight friends and some of them are very affectionate (physically) toward me and I enjoy it. I have to say though, that there's no question on my part as to their orientation - they're straight. So for me the affection is purely platonic. In rare cases, where I have developed inappropriate feelings for the straight guy, I talk it over with them and ask them to refrain from the affection while I reorient my head - but we still stay friends.

    I don't think (if I were single) that I could bring myself to get it on with one of these guys even if they said that they wanted to try it. All I would think about is how I felt about the women with whom I was having sex in my youth - and I'd never want them to think of me in that way. To be clear, I loved these women, just not romantically. but I knew it would make them happy and I wanted to try it.

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    Aug 03, 2009 12:35 AM GMT
    I feel the big issue that a lot of people assume straight men to be emotionless due to social norms and stereotypes

    but the issue with this belief is that it implies that gay men have emotions.

    Not saying that gay men are emotionless, but come on now, you have just as many gay mean who have intamacy phobias as you do straight.

    What I'm getting at is that I think it reflects badly on our mindsets when a friendly straight guy, or just guy in general, is assumed gay because he's affectionate.

    I know that it is shunned, but you'd find that many straight guys are in touch with their emotions, especially the ones with less insecurities who do not feel like they have anything to prove.

    It took me a long time to figure this out because many a straight guy has been overly affectionate towards me, hugs, everything. But it was just a sign that they felt comfortable around and nothing more.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 03, 2009 12:44 AM GMT
    This is a interesting topic.

    I had a odd experience with One of my old supervisors who was straight and married with 5 kids. He wasn't necessarily a affectionate guy, but for some reason he was with me and one of my co-workers. (who is a very attractive girl)

    After a year or two we developed a good working relationship. He would make fun of me just to impress the attractive co-workers (mostly women)who would visit his office regularly.(Jerk LOL)

    But a few times he would say "you're cute" or give me a silly pet names. This used to really through me off, but i would ignore it and go about my way.

    One time he walked passed me and put his hand on my face and gave me this odd smile/smirk... and one of my friends was standing right next to me when this happened..icon_redface.gificon_eek.gif

    Not sure if some kind of son figure to him, but still it was strange and kind of left a few "???" as to what was going on with him.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 03, 2009 12:48 AM GMT
    Love them!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 03, 2009 12:56 AM GMT
    Yes when I was coming out I wondered if the affectionate jock type might be gay but in fact if he were gay then he would be less likely to be affectionate for fear of "being discovered". That being said I've known a lot of bi men and wonder if it might be a bit different with them than with gay men.

    As far as cultural norms go I think we should keep one thing in perspective. I've traveled through many different cultures and while men can be a bit more affectionate in some the others it is often just another formality. In some countries men kiss like we Americans shake hands. In these countries family members or friends that would be considered like family may kiss or hug upon greeting or saying good byes but not in a spontaneous out of the blue manner. That is why I think the straight men who are affection in a spontaneous manner are a bit different from your average guy. Particularly in this country and when they have just recently met someone. Perhpas they are acting on a need to express that they like you and want to be friends. In any case I find it flattering rather than confusing.
  • Jonathan16

    Posts: 50

    Aug 03, 2009 1:47 AM GMT
    I have many many straight friends that lead me on, but i just have to wait for them to make the first move just to be on the safe side
  • dopey29

    Posts: 32

    Aug 03, 2009 2:10 AM GMT
    I completely understand man...I have a trainer who is painfully st8, but during exercises he sometimes gets real close....there have been times when he was so close I could kiss him. And during a bench press...well..ya know what that could mean.....he knows I'm gay but never "looks" at me that way. We've become frinds over the 1 1/2 years I've been working out with him. We actually just planned a trip to Hawaii to do some hiking, ATV riding, etc....ya know..st8 stuff. I want to make out with him so bad just to see if he's any good...when he's close to me my body races with excitement.
  • gjoseph

    Posts: 250

    Aug 03, 2009 3:29 AM GMT
    Ehh I find straight guy affections to be totally mind boggling at times. Like during the very last night at my college this summer my friend had a fingerpaint party where everyone was drunk and I had a pretty good time. Well....I met a guy who has a girlfriend and he was somewhat sober meanwhile I was drunk and needed "assistance". The guy only paid attention to me and not my other friends who were REALLY drunk and actually wanted to take me back to my room. Like I sat on his lap and totally "hugged" him and he had no issue with that and ahh I loved it b/c he was so sweet and cute.

    I noticed he's friends with two gay ppl on campus one who is out and one who is transitioning from being closeted to being out. Lately I have wondered if he's just a very caring person or if he might be a little curious. I have never met a straight guy who was so affectionate to me like him. Eventually as we start hanging out more and all I should find out more about him once fall term starts.
  • tobyb

    Posts: 115

    Aug 03, 2009 3:47 AM GMT
    Good topic.

    I lost a really good friend for several years because when I came out to him, he couldn't deal with it, and said he wished I had told him earlier. He always used to joke about how we were such good friends and were together so much people must think we were gay. In truth, I had a crush on him for several years. I knew nothing would ever come of it sexually, and it didn't.

    When I came out to him, I think he was annoyed that I hadn't told him before. I think he suspected that I had gotten off a bit on all the intimacy (and many times, he wouldn't have been wrong). He is one of the most generous, sincere and honest people I have known, and in retrospect I felt I had not matched his standard for honesty and intimacy in our friendship. We're back friends now, air all cleared, all's fine, but I swore I should never deceive another buddy like that by becoming socially so intimate without making sure he knew I was gay.

    Similarly, if I think a straight guy is flirting with me, I like to acknowledge it in a way that makes clear that I'm gay, but with joke comments that also keep a bit of distance, in case I'm misreading it. Comments like:

    "aw, you say the sweetest things,"
    "I love it when you talk dirty,"
    "man, you are such a tease"
    "now, you're not flirting with me are you?" and sometimes,
    "look, jake, you're a great guy and I really like you, but I'm seeing someone else at the moment."

    I'm sure comments like this have meant I missed some great makeout and sex sessions with basically straight guys who wanted to try out gay sex with me. But I'm glad I didn't pursue it, because I could have spoiled friendships, screwed up others' straight relationships, or just seemed like a creepy gay gay who misreads signals when a guy's just being pals. I certainly don't want to be a creepy or predatory gay guy, I hope noone reading does.

    For me, intimacy from straight guys is attractive exactly because of how trusting that sort of guy is willing to be. If he doesn't know the possibility that you're attracted to him, it's not fair to him. And of couse, the interaction is truly as intimate as it appears.
  • Tiller66

    Posts: 380

    Aug 03, 2009 4:03 AM GMT
    Well I do like it when str8 guys are cool with contact but when it get to the really flirty point I tell them something like you might give a guy the wrong idea.sometimes that works but usually it lets them know there is a line and if they don't want to play don't cross,but sometimes they surprise you by jumping over it.
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    Aug 03, 2009 4:16 AM GMT

    We both feel they're just really affectionate straight guys. If they go to the trouble of being extra warm, then we can at least sense a boundary that we need to respect - or impose one on him too, heheh. (oh gosh, did that make sense? lol)
    We also think it tells us something about how they were raised. With a lot of unbiased affection, and shouldn't be taken as more than that.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 03, 2009 4:35 AM GMT
    It doesn't matter how affectionate they are.

    I won't even flirt in return.

    Unless I have an Ironclad guarantee that they are in fact gay.

    Around here, you have to play it safe.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 03, 2009 4:38 AM GMT
    Friendly guys are always welcome, kindness shouldn't be equated with flirtation.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 08, 2009 10:31 PM GMT
    ucla_matta saidFriendly guys are always welcome, kindness shouldn't be equated with flirtation.

    Good answer.
  • Heart2Heart

    Posts: 28

    Aug 08, 2009 10:36 PM GMT
    On my team, I'm the only gay guy and everybody knows it. My straight friends could not be better. They pretty much flex and show off for me and they know it makes me happy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 09, 2009 1:21 AM GMT
    Sometimes affection means "yes" which is doubly bad because I don't take "no" for an answer...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 09, 2009 1:38 AM GMT
    I have a straight internet/phone friend I made years ago and he is not affectionate perse but good lord is he pretty direct with sexual suggestion and overt statements. If I had a dollar for every time I got "threatened" by him that he was going to do this or that to me, I could retire.

    The plot thickens in that a bunch of us are meeting together in a few weeks for vacation and guess who is sharing a room with me ?

    Yep, Im going to bring my chastity belt with me
  • adidas0783

    Posts: 290

    Aug 09, 2009 1:42 AM GMT
    straight, gay or bi....friendly guys are always welcome. life is easier to be surrounded by good people. icon_smile.gif