I like a guy that's in a relationship... but he seems to like me.

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    Aug 03, 2009 4:33 AM GMT
    I met this guy online. He lived about 45 minutes away from me. I'm usually unconfident about myself when talking with better looking and buffer guys than me so when I contacted him, I wasn't expecting much. Turns out he liked me and he gave me his number. After that, we spent about 4-5 months talking on the phone for hours at a time. When we weren't talking, we were texting about 30 times a day. This seriously felt like a relationship... we had so much in common.
    After a while we kind of lost sight of each other and the calls and texts became fewer. But then, about a couple of months later we hit it off again and started talking nonstop. By this time it had been a year since we'd met online and still I haven't met him in person, but I was confiding in him more than most of my friends.
    Well, I guess I waited to long to actually meet him in person, about a month after we started talking again, he said he was seeing someone and he was moving to Chicago with him, that was why we lost contact at first.
    He says he thinks about me all the time even though he's with his bf, wondering what could have happened if we had met. Struggling with it actually...
    I have never felt this way about a guy before and I think I'm falling for him.
    Now he's moving to Italy, and I don't know if I'll ever get to meet him.
    What should I do??? I have never felt like this before.
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    Aug 03, 2009 5:49 AM GMT


    Well, the ball's not in your court, as he's already gone to Chicago with his man and now they're going to Italy.
    Really, all you can do is say the same to him, that you'll wonder 'what if' too, and wish him well, and remain friends.

    You could always tell him how you feel, but you know, you've never met in person, like the man he's with...


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    Aug 03, 2009 12:36 PM GMT
    Ive been there actually, and today is the one year anniversary. A year ago today, it was my birthday and I was single, alone, late night, and lonely. I did something I dont ordinarilly do, and put out a Craigs List ad. ( Save it.. I know icon_evil.gif )

    Anyway... totally unexpected, but I hooked up with another bodybuilder... latino... hot, handome, truly ripped... and a nice nice guy. In bed for hours... most of which was foreplay and passion. Honestly... my best sexual experience to date. What we did not expect... was this connection we had. Physically and mentally... still do actually. Gosh.. we connect so well, and he shares my sense of humor :-)

    Long story short, he was NOT single, but married to another guy. He had caught his man cheating, many times I guess, and decided to have a fling for himself. We messed around, on and off for weeks. Though he would not say it, I know he was falling in love with me, and I with him.

    We had such a connection, we even tried to remove ourselves from the bedroom. That did not work very long, so he stopped returning my calls.

    Today... I guess we are "phone friends". We have been reunited via phone or text.... and he only lives 1/2 mile up the street. We have talked about meeting for lunch.. we will see.

    He's trying to make his gay marriage work. I get it, and respect it. BUT...to do this all over again... Id run, and run fast. It was very very painful. Im out the other side now... but its a tough way to learn a life lesson!
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    Aug 03, 2009 12:52 PM GMT
    Short advice: if a guy really likes you he'll quite his relationship and come find you.

    If he doesn't, he's comfortable enough in his relationship to remain and you're a very welcome distraction from problems he's failing to deal with.

    Don't be a disposable mistress. You're better than that
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Aug 03, 2009 12:57 PM GMT
    Sorry to hear that you might have missed out on something, but you know what? Consider him a friend. So long as he's in a relationship, he should be off limits. Nothing wrong with talking to him on the phone (at all) so long as you approach him as a friend (and no 30 texts a day).

    As far as missing out on more, you never know... it might have been good, or a disaster. Whether in Italy or in the US, you can continue to talk to him.
    If his relationship ends, you never know.... but don't base your life on him... move on with your own prospects. If he's interested in you and he's then single, let him move on you.
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    Aug 03, 2009 12:58 PM GMT
    I am glad you got to experience what little of him he was willing to share. It's not fair that you talked/texted so intently for a year and never met. My advice would be to advocate for not just being the confidant, but when you meet someone and it's going well, push for a face-to-face meeting. Otherwise you, or the thought of you, begins to take a fantasy role in his life. Don't take this personally, but he's doubting his current relationship not based on what could have been with you, but with anybody. These are dangerous types -- willing to enter a relationship not fully over their "explore what's out there" phase. You are outgoing, beautiful and obviously easy to relate to -- get out there and find someone who's willing to make you their best choice, not one of a couple options.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Aug 03, 2009 1:31 PM GMT
    You're 20, and not to dismiss the situation, but I am not sure how much you can really know about a guy you started talking to when you were 18 or 19, and have yet to meet. This all smacks of puppy love. And frankly, just because something works on the phone and online does not mean it translates to the real world. If the dude is willing to move to Chicago and Italy for his boyfriend, it means things are serious amongst them. That means you don't have a right to butt in. It's his call to leave the relationship, not yours to have him to. Have you ever had a real, face to face boyfriend? If not, I think that might explain a lot of your feelings in terms of your willingness to want to be with someone under which the circumstances do not call for it.
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    Aug 03, 2009 4:11 PM GMT
    Actually, the guy sounds like a dick. If you talk to someone for THAT long without actually meeting, they have something to hide - either they aren't who they say they are, or they have someone already and are cheating virtually.

    Forming the habit of living vicariously through your online experiences is a dangerous one to form. Get out there and meet REAL people, face-to-face, and succeed or fail in the 'real' world. If this guy met a need you had, fine, but he's moved on and you can too. Good luck either way.
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    Aug 03, 2009 4:28 PM GMT
    nooo. sometimes it is like that, i have a friend in california that i talk to on the phone everyday. He met me on myspace or something a couple years ago and we are very good friends. he tells me pretty much everything, and i go to him for stuff too. you just have to be able to define the line between friends and >friends
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    Aug 03, 2009 4:41 PM GMT
    ruggerlondon saidShort advice: if a guy really likes you he'll quite his relationship and come find you.

    If he doesn't, he's comfortable enough in his relationship to remain and you're a very welcome distraction from problems he's failing to deal with.

    Don't be a disposable mistress. You're better than that


    this seems quite right
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    Aug 03, 2009 5:22 PM GMT
    The thing is that I've never felt like this with another guy, I've never been romantically attracted to a guy the way I am with him. With other guys it's just sex, but with him it's a lot more.
    I said I wanted to visit him and actually meet him sometime soon and he said that he would like that, but is afraid that our meeting would actually spark something between us and then he would be confused on what to do.
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    Aug 03, 2009 5:30 PM GMT
    yngstud4mscl saidThe thing is that I've never felt like this with another guy, I've never been romantically attracted to a guy the way I am with him. With other guys it's just sex, but with him it's a lot more.
    I said I wanted to visit him and actually meet him sometime soon and he said that he would like that, but is afraid that our meeting would actually spark something between us and then he would be confused on what to do.


    See this is what I don't understand about guys who are interested in guys who clearly have boundary issues with relationships.

    Why do you want to be with someone who is telling you how into you he is but at the same time he went off and got a boyfriend and is apparently moving not once, but twice, with this boyfriend. And who picks up and moves halfway around the world with a guy they've just met?

    Find someone who lives near you, who DOES want to be with you (and only you, not someone else and then maybe you), and won't put you through all of the emotional gymnastics.

    Not trying to be harsh, but your posts insinuate that you're really not thinking clearly about this at all.
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    Aug 03, 2009 5:36 PM GMT
    Your not gonna really know if this is just electronic or real unless you meet him. Same thing applies to BF material or just friend.

    Are you prepared to tear a relationship up?
    Are you ready to build one greater than what you have?
    Do you want to meet his current bow and just maintain a good relationship with your friend?
    Or do you wholeheartedly want to win him over?

    You only know those answers.
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    Aug 03, 2009 5:43 PM GMT
    yngstud4mscl said
    ....he would like that, but is afraid that our meeting would actually spark something between us and then he would be confused on what to do.


    Take it from me, this means you should drop it and move on. Nothing good will come of this.

    I'd been in a similar situation and I ignored the warning signs. I was aware of them as you are now, but I ignored them. I need not say to what extent I put myself out there for him and heard one canceled plan after another, countless unrealized rendezvous', because it was all for nothing. He may still be a nice guy, but I won't be hanging off the ledge waving at him for attention.

    Focus your life and attention on yourself and leave yourself open to the possibility of someone new. You will be amazed at what you will find.
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    Aug 03, 2009 5:47 PM GMT
    The Devils Advocate in me is saying..screw him before he leaves for Italy..just to see what its like...
    The Angelic advocate...says your just the other woman-man in this little affair. He will not leave his lover for you.....and your surely mistaken that he has feelings for you....
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Aug 03, 2009 5:58 PM GMT
    yngstud4mscl saidThe thing is that I've never felt like this with another guy, I've never been romantically attracted to a guy the way I am with him. With other guys it's just sex, but with him it's a lot more.
    I said I wanted to visit him and actually meet him sometime soon and he said that he would like that, but is afraid that our meeting would actually spark something between us and then he would be confused on what to do.


    A few comments:

    If he's with another guy now, no matter what he says, you should leave things alone. Getting in the middle of another relationship is not good.

    I'll be frank. I think what you're feeling is infatuation. You're in love with someone you've NEVER met. We've all been there. Yes, you've invested a LOT of time talking to the guy over the phone and texting, but until you're really with a person and spent time with them, do you REALLY know who they are and what they're like. I speak from experience and know others who will attest that people can be one way on the phone and another in person. In short, you're in love (or infatuated) with an imaginary person. Someone in your head. Now, it's possible the imaginary person is a reasonable facsimile for the real person, but there's a good chance he's not.

    I think the lesson here is you need to be more confident about yourself. You look like you have a great body. Don't assume someone isn't going to be attracted to you. I bet there are a lot of guys you're attracted to who are attracted to you. If you have this sort of situation again where you can talk to a guy for hours and text with him throughout the day, then MEET HIM IN PERSON!!!! You had all that time to get together before things wound down the first time. You lost your chance. Next time be more aggressive or risk losing another possible great match.
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    Aug 03, 2009 6:05 PM GMT
    I can't imagine falling for someone you've never met - what if they have a problem with body odor? What if they blink rapidly after hearing the word sunshine?

    As with all interactions we evidence in life...there are levels/layers and benchmarks. If you've never met someone IN PERSON, can it really be a functional romantic endeavor? It can be a digital friendship...but romance?

    icon_confused.gif
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    Aug 03, 2009 6:15 PM GMT
    My only true advice is to not fall in love at people who you have not met yet.

    For all you know who he could be anyone. Even now this whole italy thing could an exist to escape an ever building lie.

    So be careful with that. And learn to invest your heart and emotions in people that you have at least met in person.

    It will save you a great deal of heart ache.
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    Aug 03, 2009 6:23 PM GMT
    Well, based on conversations we've had, I'd say it's definitely more romantically than I've ever experienced, but that's not saying much. I know it's crazy falling for someone I've never met... you have no idea how many times I've told myself that this is messed up and that I am stupid. But at the same time, I can't help it. Fuck!

    You guys are right. I'm just going to have to meet him, have dinner or something, then try to forget him.
  • EricLA

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    Aug 03, 2009 6:59 PM GMT
    yngstud4mscl saidWell, based on conversations we've had, I'd say it's definitely more romantically than I've ever experienced, but that's not saying much. I know it's crazy falling for someone I've never met... you have no idea how many times I've told myself that this is messed up and that I am stupid. But at the same time, I can't help it. Fuck!

    You guys are right. I'm just going to have to meet him, have dinner or something, then try to forget him.


    Hey, you're not stupid for falling for someone you've never met, just human. So, don't go all pity party on us. This is very common. I think it speaks to how lonely we are. And, if you're lacking in confidence, which is seems your OP suggests, then you're all the more likely to see connections online where this is going to happen. You're right, you can't help these sorts of emotions. That said, you've got to be realistic.

    If you're really serious about trying to forget him, going to meet him isn't the way. You're just going to obsess over him more. That's not going to help things. The only thing accomplished by going to meet him is feeding the idea that maybe you can win him over. And who does that help?

    I think you should just let it go. Life is about making hard, sometimes unfair and painful choices like this.
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    Aug 03, 2009 7:43 PM GMT
    EricLA said If you're really serious about trying to forget him, going to meet him isn't the way. .. The only thing accomplished by going to meet him is feeding the idea that maybe you can win him over. And who does that help?

    Meeting him is pointless because you lose either way. In the unlikely event that he decides you're his true love, you get a new bf with a proven willingness to cheat. In the more likely case that he stays with existing bf, you're just creating painful drama with no possible benefit to anyone.
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    Aug 03, 2009 8:47 PM GMT
    Ghen said
    ruggerlondon saidShort advice: if a guy really likes you he'll quite his relationship and come find you.

    If he doesn't, he's comfortable enough in his relationship to remain and you're a very welcome distraction from problems he's failing to deal with.

    Don't be a disposable mistress. You're better than that


    this seems quite right


    This seems quite wrong.

    Oh he might leave his man and come shack up with you and all that. But if a guy who is in a relationship and is willing to emotionally cheat on his boyfriend with you, he will do the same when he is dating you.

    And how close were you really? You guys talked on the phone for hours each day and you didn't know he was moving to Chicago? And hours on the phone? He lives 45 minutes away. If you meet half way that is a little over 20 minutes it would take to meet and chat. This all sounds like pie in the sky puppy love.

    Let the guy go. If he can't meet you after a year or bother to tell you he is moving far to Chicago he wont bother with anything significant. Also, if you don't bother to meet a guy or insist on anything significant all you will ever have is pie in the sky puppy love. Be more demanding, you deserve better.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Aug 03, 2009 9:52 PM GMT
    Here's the thing. He has a boyfriend. You know he does. You like him. He likes you. There is no such thing as an innocent meet up here. If you think it's anything else but an avenue to cheating, then you're delusional. Someone has to say it, but you need to not be a hoe bag. I have no empathy for you in this situation is you're honestly and willingly walking into a cheating relationship. Shame on you.
  • maximumrisk

    Posts: 799

    Aug 03, 2009 10:47 PM GMT
    I know that Situation.and I just want you to ask yourself this...

    ... do you really want to be the one that broke up a relationship? And even if he leaves his Bf for you, how would you feel if he doesnt life up to the expectations?
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    Aug 04, 2009 4:00 AM GMT
    You guys keep saying "cheating." Have I been cheating? Is talking on the phone (even before he had a bf) and texting and IMing really cheating?
    First off, I don't condone cheating, it's actually a deal breaker for me. If I were to go about this, I wouldn't do ANYTHING before I knew he was into me all the way and not into his bf. If anything less would happen, it would be a no go. Calibro... You say there isn't a thing as an innocent meeting... i beg to differ, especially if we meet and find that we are just really good friends. But that's just me.
    We had chemistry before he had a boyfriend, lots of it and it seems those feelings never went away. The possibility that he is less than what I expected is a real possibility, but that's why I want to meet him.
    The only thing that seriously bothers me about this situation is the possibility of breaking of his relationship. I'm not a home wrecker, I'm actually kind of new to the idea of a relationship with a guy. This whole situation scares the shit out of me. All I know is that meeting him wouldn't be a lose-lose situation.