How can I Know for sure that I'm gay?

  • SolidRanger

    Posts: 108

    Aug 03, 2009 7:51 AM GMT
    OK I'll try to keep this short. I'm 23. Since 12 years old I have had gay thoughts/urges. They get stronger and stronger all the time. At first it was a sort of curiosity. Now I have actually had sex with 2 guys, one of whom I was really infatuated with and still wish I was with him.

    However I have dated/slept with 4 girls, and I felt pretty attracted to them. Only problem is that I only seem interested in their visual beauty. Sexually its hard. I like to check out women with nice tits or asses, but they dont get me hard. I always have trouble getting an erection when I have sex with a woman. Strip clubs do nothing for me. Its like I find them visually attractive, but not so much sexually, but with men I usually dont find them visually attractive, but find them very sexually attracted. But I've always thought of having a wife and kids.

    I keep having freak outs where I try to deny any gay thoughts I have, hoping typical hetero bliss, but more and more its like my gay thoughts are taking me over. Now I can actually sort of see myself being with a guy long term, but I constantly feel like my mind/heart/dick are playing tricks on me. I feel like if I come out as gay that suddenly these thoughts will cease and I'll be left with my wrecked family.

    I dunno. It would really help me process things if you guys shared how you came to terms with it, as well as your feelings about the opposite sex.

    Thank you so much
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 03, 2009 8:20 AM GMT
    You can go to Xtube.com Gaytube.com Rockettube.com redtube.com

    and see what your Penis likes.


    If you don't get Sexual aroused when you have sex with a women. There is a good chance you are gay.


    Its normal to think a girl is attractive. I always tell girls "Wow your really pretty,I'm gay so don't think I'm hitting on you" But I gag at the thought of having sex with them.



    Guys not visually attractive!!!! icon_eek.gif (Fell over)


    Don't deny your thoughts, that will just get you more confused.

    IMO

    I Think you're gay and just find girls pretty. I know lots of gay guys that have had sex with women and it did not work.

    You don't need a female to have a family or kids(will technically yes you do for kids lol)
  • SolidRanger

    Posts: 108

    Aug 03, 2009 8:32 AM GMT
    lenoxx saidGuys not visually attractive!!!! icon_eek.gif (Fell over)


    Don't deny your thoughts, that will just get you more confused.


    I should elaborate on this. I don't find MOST guys attractive. Like straight guys I just see on the street. I guess its cause most straight guys dont take that good care of themselves. A guy who is groomed and takes care of his skin will get my attention, but mostly I'm not attracted to a guy unless he has somewhat effeminate mannerisms and I have a reasonable suspicion they are gay..

    lenoxx saidYou don't need a female to have a family or kids(will technically yes you do for kids lol)
    I think you may be right. More and more my perception of my "happy life" is becoming one with a man as a partner instead of a female. I'm just really worried that I'm making a huge mistake and this is all just me tricking myself or something. At the same time I feel like my gayness is about to burst out of me. Like I've kept it pent up for so long that it wants out. Today I was driving with my father as we are on a cross-country road trip and I seriously had to restrain myself from just blurting out "I'M GAY". Being as my father is a 65 year old Texas farmboy who asked me "what are you a faggot?" when I asked to get my ear pierced as a teenager, this is not necessarily the best idea, but interesting as he would be the last person I would want to tell, not the first.
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    Aug 03, 2009 8:36 AM GMT
    You're most probably gay. You're describing exactly how I feel about women. They're attractive visually, sometimes emotionally too, but sexually - nada, no response at all. Although yeah, some men I find visually attractive AND emotionally/sexually attractive. Others only sexually and emotionally, etc.

    DON'T make the mistake of marrying while you're still confused. You'll seriously regret it later on. And end up hurting more than just yourself.

    I was in the same boat years ago. I thought it was simply a phase. And I hoped for it to go away, so I can live a 'normal' life. Kids, wife, grandchildren, all that stuff. But it doesn't. I used to think that just because I find some women attractive that I couldn't possible be gay. I even flirted back when girls showed interest for a time (early high school, with one girl who I liked a lot, but have zero sexual interest in). I was wrong, this was from a time when I was already falling in lust and 'love' (more like teen infatuation really) with a lot of guys (including a good friend). And it's kind of silly when I think about how strongly I denied those feelings when it was really quite obvious what my orientation was. I mean I thought about that guy almost every day for 6 years and went almost suicidally depressive over him and I still couldn't bring myself to simply say 'I'm gay, I'm really gay so deal with it' to myself. LOL I was already saying 'I'm gay' but I still quickly pushed those thoughts away. It wasn't until my late teens that I finally had the courage to face it and admit that I was gay and was gonna be gay for the rest of my life.

    You can still have kids except that you'll have a husband not a wife. It's seriously not much different being gay. It's not like you're suddenly becoming someone else, you'll still be you.
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    Aug 03, 2009 9:00 AM GMT
    I should elaborate on this. I don't find MOST guys attractive. Like straight guys I just see on the street. I guess its cause most straight guys don't take that good care of themselves. A guy who is groomed and takes care of his skin will get my attention, but mostly I'm not attracted to a guy unless he has somewhat effeminate mannerisms and I have a reasonable suspicion they are gay..



    Yeah. You're a gay man!icon_biggrin.gif. I always knew I was different from the other guys when I was younger,but didn't know the word for it. When I did realize that I was gay It took me awhile to look myself in the mirror and say "I'm Gay" without cringing.

    Ew I hate guys in general that don't take care of themselves also.
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    Aug 03, 2009 11:25 AM GMT
    youre_gay.jpg
  • Anto

    Posts: 2035

    Aug 03, 2009 11:51 AM GMT
    If you find men sexually attractive but not women, then you are gay.
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    Aug 03, 2009 12:11 PM GMT
    Who cares? If you are attracted to a guy, then have sex with them. If you are romantically interested in a guy, date them. If you are attracted to a girl, have sex with them. If you are romantically interested, date them.

    Sexuality is so much bigger than these tiny little labels.
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    Aug 03, 2009 12:31 PM GMT
    SolidRanger said
    I keep having freak outs where I try to deny any gay thoughts I have, hoping typical hetero bliss, but more and more its like my gay thoughts are taking me over. Now I can actually sort of see myself being with a guy long term, but I constantly feel like my mind/heart/dick are playing tricks on me. I feel like if I come out as gay that suddenly these thoughts will cease and I'll be left with my wrecked family.


    I know how you feel, SolidRanger... I've been there and gone through the same mental gymnastics that you are describing. Let me rush to assure you that your mind, heart and dick are not out to get you... they're not even separate entities from you; they are part of what makes you who you are. The heart, being the most important of the three, is the one I would listen to most seriously if I were you. It's what helped me make up my own mind and realize that I was only denying myself a chance to be genuinely happy in my own skin if I kept up with the mental gymnastics.

    It's been my experience that honesty, particularly with myself, is what counts the most and is often the only sure-fire way to break free of those mindgames that a guy tends to play with and on himself when facing this question. Accordingly, the only question that matters is this: How much longer of living life with this kind of internal conflict can you take?

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    Aug 03, 2009 12:55 PM GMT
    Go ask Alice...when she was just as confused (With apologies to Jefferson Airplane)


    http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/2553.html
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    Aug 03, 2009 1:01 PM GMT
    lenoxx saidand see what your Penis likes.

    Agreed, it can be that simple for some men, provided that stronger opposing voices, like from family, friends & society are not overwhelming you. I call it my "Peter Meter" and it's pretty reliable for me. It not only tells me that I am sexually attracted to men but not to women, but also to which men.

    As for not finding men visually attractive, nor did I when I first came out. My mind would start to form the idea, and then I would have like this "short circuit" and sometimes I would physically shake my head and quickly look away. It would kinda remind me of robot behavior in old sci-fi movies, when they had violated their "prime directive" or programming, and would become immobilized (think Robbie the Robot in Forbidden Planet).

    That's not unlike what was happening to me, violating one of society's "prime directives" not to find men physically attractive. Oddly, I had no trouble looking at their stuff, always had done, but to find them physically beautiful, like a woman, would spook me. Once I had been out for a while that gradually went away, and now I can lust over a hunky body as well as the next gay guy.

    As for liking female T&A, don't forget the basic appearance of a woman's ass is a lot like a man's. Until you learn to look comfortably at a man's bare butt, a woman's may substitute, and continue to remind you of a guy's even once you do. And likewise looking at her breasts may serve the same purpose.

    I read some scientist (Desmond Morris?) who suggested that the unusually large development of female human breasts, with their cleavage, may be to simulate the appearance of the buttocks to males. As humans began to walk upright exclusively, and later to wear clothes, the sexual stimulation provided to many primate males by the sight of the posterior was obscured. The breasts enlarged to take on this role from a bipedal frontal view.

    Demonstrating this cosmetic role of large breasts versus small, the mammary gland size is about the same in both, resulting in equal milk production compared between big & little. The size difference is mostly in fat and other non-functional tissue. Think of it as Nature's breast implants.

    So your visual interest in these things may merely be due to your using women as visual surrogates for men, unlike you grow more comfortable with the real thing, shedding straight society's indoctrination. And so I do think that there's a strong likelihood that you are gay. I found coming out a great time of life myself, hope all goes well with you, too.
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    Aug 03, 2009 1:11 PM GMT
    Ok, ok be nice. It's another case of his knowing the answer but asking anyway. We've all done it.

    I too came out at 23, after much internal debate. This "hetero bliss" doesn't exist, at least not for you. You're still checking out female tits and ass because that's what you've been trained to do. The expectation for a wife & kids doesn't easily melt away, but it would be irresponsible of you to persue a relationship with a woman now.

    I am a little confused about not finding guys visually atrractive, but finding guys sexually attractive. Although not the same, they sure do overlap. 23-ish is about the time that you stop looking at all potential mates as just another place to stick your dick and begin to see glimpses into the real person and their potential in your life. I think you'll begin to be visually attracted to guys once you begin to reconcile that a man can be a long-term partner and take the place of the "wife" in your newly adapted "homo bliss" fantasy.

    Here's the ironic part: about the time you've tacked the issues above, you'll enter a late-blooming slut phase. You'll now be comfortable with your homosexuality, have come out of the closet, met a couple nice guys and had ok sex with them and met a couple real bad-boys and had great sex with them. You'll take that new sexual technique and you'll spread it far and wide. By about 25 that small voice inside you that once advocated for a wife will begin to report feelings of emptiness to your brain. Your soul will also pipe up and ask that it have someone it can connect to, confide in and grow with.

    The short version: you're gay. There's a slight chance of your being bisexual (a.k.a. greedy) and that's ok too. You won't know until you try.

    Good luck!
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    Aug 03, 2009 1:34 PM GMT
    SolidRanger said
    lenoxx saidGuys not visually attractive!!!! icon_eek.gif (Fell over)


    Don't deny your thoughts, that will just get you more confused.


    I should elaborate on this. I don't find MOST guys attractive. Like straight guys I just see on the street. I guess its cause most straight guys dont take that good care of themselves. A guy who is groomed and takes care of his skin will get my attention, but mostly I'm not attracted to a guy unless he has somewhat effeminate mannerisms and I have a reasonable suspicion they are gay..



    Think about what you said here; hell, you are not suppose to like or feel an attraction to every guy. Hetero men don't feel an attraction to every girl they see either. We all have preferences in a man. What attracts me to a guy will not be your attraction. That is all but normal but we have a deep seat feeling to be with someone of the same sex. That is how we know we are gay. The urge/desire is to be with a man; sexually and spiritually. Yeah, I been to T&A bars and had lap dances, never had a hard on at one either. I've also found some women pretty but never desirable sexually.

    I should also point out that the Gay community is more than the media stereotypes. So if your basing yourself on stereotypes you are doing yourself a disservice. Have you been going out to the gay community? What has been your social interaction? Your not going to have your answer until you do.

    Good look with your inner search of yourself I hope we as a group can help you find your inner self. Peace!
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Aug 03, 2009 2:41 PM GMT
    Girl are not for you to experiment with. They are human being with feeling and emotion. If you are not sexual arouse or emotionally arouse by them, leave them alone for another straight men that can appreciate them.

    Your probably have to think of some guys in order to have erection to have sex with her. You are not making love to her, you are just acting and one day some body will find out. How do you feel if some lesbian do you like that.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Aug 03, 2009 3:03 PM GMT
    I think you shouldn't be too concerned at this point about labels. Do what makes sense, but as you explore who you are, make sure others don't get emotionally hurt over your experimentation.

    Eventually you will come to a conclusion... maybe you are doing that already, but don't get overly wraught up in labels now.
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    Aug 03, 2009 3:11 PM GMT
    zakariahzol saidGirl are not for you to experiment with. They are human being with feeling and emotion. If you are not sexual arouse or emotionally arouse by them, leave them alone for another straight men that can appreciate them.

    Your probably have to think of some guys in order to have erection to have sex with her. You are not making love to her, you are just acting and one day some body will find out. How do you feel if some lesbian do you like that.


    Girl's are people too. Girl's liked to get fucked. If the OP needs to experiment, there are plenty of women out there willing to help him out.
  • SolidRanger

    Posts: 108

    Aug 03, 2009 3:27 PM GMT
    Red_Vespa saidAs for not finding men visually attractive, nor did I when I first came out. My mind would start to form the idea, and then I would have like this "short circuit" and sometimes I would physically shake my head and quickly look away. It would kinda remind me of robot behavior in old sci-fi movies, when they had violated their "prime directive" or programming, and would become immobilized (think Robbie the Robot in Forbidden Planet).

    That's not unlike what was happening to me, violating one of society's "prime directives" not to find men physically attractive. Oddly, I had no trouble looking at their stuff, always had done, but to find them physically beautiful, like a woman, would spook me. Once I had been out for a while that gradually went away, and now I can lust over a hunky body as well as the next gay guy.


    Wow, I have experienced this very same thing. You catch yourself checking out a guy and then you snap to it and think "Excuse me, wtf are you doing? That's not a chick" I've had times where I was talking to people and I'd see a hot, seemingly gay guy pass buy and I completely lose my trail of thought. Sometimes pretty embarrassing when the other person sees you slip your words at the sight of a guy.

    Red_Vespa saidAs for liking female T&A, don't forget the basic appearance of a woman's ass is a lot like a man's. Until you learn to look comfortably at a man's bare butt, a woman's may substitute, and continue to remind you of a guy's even once you do. And likewise looking at her breasts may serve the same purpose.

    So your visual interest in these things may merely be due to your using women as visual surrogates for men, unlike you grow more comfortable with the real thing, shedding straight society's indoctrination. And so I do think that there's a strong likelihood that you are gay. I found coming out a great time of life myself, hope all goes well with you, too.
    Thats definitely an interesting theory. I know when I do watch gay porn, one of the most arousing images is an ass shot from behind of a guy bending over, the muscles of his legs flexing. I really love ass, I always have. I've tried to get every girlfriend I've had to do anal but they never agreed.
  • SolidRanger

    Posts: 108

    Aug 03, 2009 3:32 PM GMT
    From the sound of the posts here, it looks like I am actually gay. I really appreciate your guys' help. I know it probably sounds obvious but to me its very confusing.

    So if I want to put myself out there and try living a gay lifestyle to see how I like it, where do I start? I live in a somewhat small city in a red state. We only have 3 gay bars here in town and my brother hangs out at the only one thats good (It's not officially a gay bar, but its the city's most popular dance club so its a mix of gay/straight). The other bars are mostly older crowd from what I hear.

    So where should I start? I don't have any gay friends or anything. How can I get into the community? Just go to a gay bar by myself and try to make friends and meet guys?
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    Aug 03, 2009 3:34 PM GMT

    OK...


    1.... "Now I have actually had sex with 2 guys, one of whom I was really infatuated with and still wish I was with him.

    That's gay.

    2.... "Only problem is that I only seem interested in their visual beauty. Sexually its hard. I like to check out women with nice tits or asses, but they dont get me hard."

    That's gay

    3..."I feel like if I come out as gay that suddenly these thoughts will cease and I'll be left with my wrecked family."

    Er, what wrecked family?
    You're not married to a girl are you?
    Or do you mean your family as in Mom and Dad etc?
    Why would you tell them before you are sure?

    ...hope this helps!

    PS You could be Bi-sexual, which is OK too, though perhaps a little trickier to process...
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    Aug 03, 2009 3:34 PM GMT
    Here's a test you can give yourself to see how you feel.

    When you are alone at night in bed, who do you think about when you are jerking off?

    That should tell ya.
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    Aug 03, 2009 3:40 PM GMT
    SolidRanger saidOK I'll try to keep this short. I'm 23. Since 12 years old I have had gay thoughts/urges. They get stronger and stronger all the time. At first it was a sort of curiosity. Now I have actually had sex with 2 guys, one of whom I was really infatuated with and still wish I was with him.

    However I have dated/slept with 4 girls, and I felt pretty attracted to them. Only problem is that I only seem interested in their visual beauty. Sexually its hard. I like to check out women with nice tits or asses, but they dont get me hard. I always have trouble getting an erection when I have sex with a woman. Strip clubs do nothing for me. Its like I find them visually attractive, but not so much sexually, but with men I usually dont find them visually attractive, but find them very sexually attracted. But I've always thought of having a wife and kids.

    I keep having freak outs where I try to deny any gay thoughts I have, hoping typical hetero bliss, but more and more its like my gay thoughts are taking me over. Now I can actually sort of see myself being with a guy long term, but I constantly feel like my mind/heart/dick are playing tricks on me. I feel like if I come out as gay that suddenly these thoughts will cease and I'll be left with my wrecked family.

    I dunno. It would really help me process things if you guys shared how you came to terms with it, as well as your feelings about the opposite sex.

    Thank you so much











    From what you've said, simply look in the mirror and say "Self, you're gay". Then get on with your life icon_smile.gif
  • SolidRanger

    Posts: 108

    Aug 03, 2009 3:52 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    Er, what wrecked family?
    You're not married to a girl are you?
    Or do you mean your family as in Mom and Dad etc?
    Why would you tell them before you are sure?

    I do mean my mom, dad, sisters, brother, etc etc. Honestly I think my mom, one sister and my brother would be cool with it. My father however is in his 60s, grew up in Texas, and is very very conservative and has a anger problem. I love my dad, but I seriously worry how he would react if I came out to him. I'm pretty sure he would be disappointed, but it might go so far as to completely disown me or even want to hurt me, I'm not sure. He disowned my older sister for like 3 years simply for running off and eloping when she was like 18 because he did not approve of the guy.

    My dad and I haven't always had the best relationship and he was rarely around when I was younger, but recently has been making an effort to spend time with me and I feel closer to him then I ever have. Part of me wants to tell him in hopes it brings us closer, but at the same time I'm terrified that he will push me away and disown me just when we're finally starting to bond.

    My older sister is in her 40s. She's a very very devote Christian. Goes to church every Sunday, says grace at every meal, even when eating a candy bar. Whenever I visit her she always insists on taking me to church, and talking about God's plan and that sort of thing. I'm agnostic so I just do it to make her happy, but I know she would be extremely upset if I came out. We live in different states and she cries when I have to leave after a visit, so I just know me being gay would destroy her.

    I'm pretty sure my mom and my younger sister have figured out that I'm atleast bi. My sister found out about the one guy I was seeing and was so infatuated with, and liking to cause trouble blurted it out to my mom. My sister calls me gay all the time and teases me about the porn on my computer. My mom was in the room one time and she said "If he is gay he'll tell us when he's ready".
  • SolidRanger

    Posts: 108

    Aug 03, 2009 3:54 PM GMT
    KissingPro saidHere's a test you can give yourself to see how you feel.

    When you are alone at night in bed, who do you think about when you are jerking off?

    That should tell ya.
    Gay sex or trannies icon_confused.gif I guess that pretty much seals that I love da cawk
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 03, 2009 3:55 PM GMT
    hey you are gay. I went through the same pointless indecisiveness. You may be bothered by it at first, but you are gay and its something youll accept given a little time.. and you will be much happier i promise
  • Bunjamon

    Posts: 3161

    Aug 03, 2009 4:06 PM GMT
    sadonacerrj said
    SolidRanger said But I've always thought of having a wife and kids.



    If you really want a wife and kids, don't deny yourself that either. Whatever you want, be willing to do or not do what it takes to attain it. Good things come hard. Gay, straight, whatever. Feelings and thoughts are a little lower than intellect. Make sure your intellect and freedom of choice are intact.



    Woooooahh, I don't agree with this at all. Unless he can find a wife who is down with him having sex with other men and they can come to some sort of mutual understanding. For most women, I think a man who didn't want to be monogamous would be a deal breaker, especially if he wanted to have sex with other men. Instead of having a wife and kids, why can't you have a husband and kids? Gay families are more common now, and if you want to have a family being gay doesn't preclude that.