Burying the Hatchet

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    Aug 04, 2009 4:27 PM GMT
    The power of forgiveness is very liberating. Fighting fire with fire can hurt you more than the other person. Holding a grudge is not good.

    I recently called my sister after not speaking for almost a year. We had a bad falling out, and both of us were stubborn about it.

    Pride.....Principles............they are all good but can be destructive when it gets in the way of otherwise good relationships.

    Never is hate diminished by hatred:
    It is only diminished by love
    This is eternal law.

    Buddhism


    Is it hard for you to forgive somebody?







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    Aug 04, 2009 4:55 PM GMT
    What I do have problem with is forgiving in my heart.

    I worked in the same office with this lady named Sue. She was very friendly towards me when I was new. She made sure I was invited for lunch with her group etc. After getting to know her it was clear she was Catholic and anti-gay. I started cutting back hanging around her. After Katria I went with the groupd out for lunch and she suggested that Katria happened as God's punishment because of New Orleans having Mardi Gras and the acceptace of homosexality. I pointed out that it was actually the poor sections (lower 9th) that suffered the most and the French Quarter suffered only minor damage. The fact she said this really got to me.

    I was stil friendly towards her but I didn't want to be around her much. Shortly after her son died. I give her a card and did all the "right" things (i.e. giving her a hug and staying how I sorry I was etc.) But in my heart I wanted ask "do you think your son's death is a punishment from God"? When I got laid off from the office. She still invited me to cookouts etc at her place but I never wanted to go. Shortly after she was diagnosed with Brain cancer. Again I wanted to ask her "do you think your brain cancer is punishment from God?" Even though she was sick and probably wouldn't live much longer I didn't want anything to do with her because of her anti-gay attitudes. She died last week. I didn't want to go to the funeral.

    I wish I had been able to put the homophobic side of her aside and just expressed love towards her as a human being.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Aug 04, 2009 5:25 PM GMT
    phemt saidWhat I do have problem with is forgiving in my heart.

    I worked in the same office with this lady named Sue. She died last week. I didn't want to go to the funeral.

    I wish I had been able to put the homophobic side of her aside and just expressed love towards her as a human being.



    I can understand your views of her, but I would have encouraged you to see her as someone who was uninformed and ignorant. You never said if you told her you are gay... it would have been interesting to hear what she said.

    As far as the funeral... I would have gone. She was a woman who lacked understanding... I'm just sorry she didn't gain greater insight prior to her death.

    I think most of us here have experienced some degree of hatred or resentment towards us. I am much better these days about not "holding a grudge" in some cases. My behavior hasn't always been the best. I think the best thing to do is to evaluate the situation as logically as possible... what do you gain from retaining hatred toward someone? You learned something, so suck it up and move on.
    Easier said than done..... I know even in my own case... its easy to say, but harder to practice.
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    Aug 04, 2009 5:38 PM GMT
    HndsmKansan said
    phemt saidWhat I do have problem with is forgiving in my heart.

    I worked in the same office with this lady named Sue. She died last week. I didn't want to go to the funeral.

    I wish I had been able to put the homophobic side of her aside and just expressed love towards her as a human being.



    I can understand your views of her, but I would have encouraged you to see her as someone who was uninformed and ignorant. You never said if you told her you are gay... it would have been interesting to hear what she said.

    As far as the funeral... I would have gone. She was a woman who lacked understanding... I'm just sorry she didn't gain greater insight prior to her death.

    I think most of us here have experienced some degree of hatred or resentment towards us. I am much better these days about not "holding a grudge" in some cases. My behavior hasn't always been the best. I think the best thing to do is to evaluate the situation as logically as possible... what do you gain from retaining hatred toward someone? You learned something, so suck it up and move on.
    Easier said than done..... I know even in my own case... its easy to say, but harder to practice.


    Trust me I know how much easier it is to say than to do.
    I never told her I was gay.
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    Aug 04, 2009 7:09 PM GMT
    I'm quick to anger, quick to forgive. (So very...Gemini of me.) Life is too briefly and busy to fill your blood with the poison of anger carried.

    I just never forget.

    It's like dealing with a man who's a cheater. You can forgive his infidelity, but you should never be so foolish as to forget it.
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    Aug 04, 2009 7:26 PM GMT
    I tend to treat people how I wanted to be treated which leaves me a lot of time to feel disappointed! What I've done to counter act that is... Tell myself that as long as my intentions were good it does not matter as the person on the flip side will be on the short end of the stick eventually as what you put out in the wrld is what you receive in return!

    I just wonder how many times must I say it before It rings true as I rather be true to self and not let negative shit cloud my judgement! So I forgive but it's not forgotten as I also don't believe in being a repeat offender in life.
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    Aug 04, 2009 9:08 PM GMT
    Sometimes burying the hatchet just isn't possible.
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    Aug 04, 2009 9:24 PM GMT
    I haven't spoken to my younger sister and only sibling in 12 years. We will both go to our graves without it ever happening. She hates me for being gay, and that's good enough for me. Let her leave her money & home to charity or strangers for all I care (she's fairly wealthy, widowed & childless, me her closest relative). If she wants me for a brother, then accept me as a gay man. The ball is in her court. I have no need for her whatsoever.
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    Aug 04, 2009 9:49 PM GMT
    My dear Mom was feisty and would get into quarrels with her siblings, in-laws, neighbors, whomever. I think I got from than an aversion to quarreling, though I have had my own explosions from time to time. Thank you Realjock for the "delete" button on postings!
    If I have had a serious disagreement with someone I am glad to patch things up, but that doesn't mean I forget it.
  • rvdredrocks

    Posts: 31

    Aug 04, 2009 10:42 PM GMT
    I'm reminded of the old saying "to err is human to forgive is divine" I quite agree with the sentiment "forgive, but never forget" For me, life is far to short to do otherwise.
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    Aug 04, 2009 11:45 PM GMT
    I forgive easily, I don't forget as easily though, but, I can put it behind me and move on..

    I found it better to forgive people then to dwell and hold anger, life is to short and precious to hold onto something so ugly and painful..
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    Aug 04, 2009 11:54 PM GMT



    I don't speak my whole family over 10 yrs. Forgive for what?
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    Aug 05, 2009 12:00 AM GMT
    TheIStrat saidSometimes burying the hatchet just isn't possible.

    Yes it is -- right between the shoulder blades of the one who offended you.
  • jgymnast733

    Posts: 1783

    Aug 05, 2009 12:05 AM GMT
    Oh God Yes, i can be quite stubborn, i'v also had a falling out with my sister who called me after 5yrs.[crying] to tell me that she miss's me.. The crazy thing started when grandmother left me the silver tea set and my sister wanted it...Grandma knew i'd enjoy it more having sunday brunch with the gays carrying on,, then passing it on to someone deserving[in the family]...Anyway..........
    Were meeting up at the steakhouse in the meatpacking district to bury the hatchet....... To her surprize i'll have the tea set in my car to give her...
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    Aug 05, 2009 12:07 AM GMT
    I forgive easily and forget easily too.
    If someone has the ability to say sorry, I tend to wipe the slate clean and try not to think about it again.
    If someone can't admit to wrong doing, I have a harder time letting go.... but eventually I will forget why I was ever mad in the first place.

    Maybe it's just that I have a shitty memory .
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    Aug 05, 2009 12:21 AM GMT
    RunintheCity saidI'm quick to anger, quick to forgive. (So very...Gemini of me.) Life is too brief and busy to fill your blood with the poison of anger carried.

    I just never forget.


    Me neither, i have the memory of an elephant.

    Ditto that
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    Aug 05, 2009 1:30 AM GMT
    I'm very quick to forgive. . . if the other person is sincerely sorry and says so, or in some way tries to make amends.

    But if they don't. . . I hold a grudge and don't forgive. And I can do it forever.

    I don't know if that's good or not. On the one hand, I agree with the Buddhist sentiment expressed by the OP, i.e., hate is only diminished by love.

    But unfortunately, there have been times I've tried that. . . lots of times. . . that is, shown kindness, calmness, courtesy, etc, in the face of hate and anger. I'd be the peacemaker. And I discovered it rarely seems to work. I'm left feeling like a doormat. And then I get angry with myself.

    So now, I respond in-kind. With anger. And I say what's precisely on my mind. I'm not saying I recommend it, but it generally works for me. In the last couple of years, there have been a few times I've really put people in their place. So I maintain my self-respect. But it makes me feel mean.

    Really, I'd so much rather have peace, harmony and goodwill.

    If someone has some good advice on this, I'd like to hear it.
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    Aug 05, 2009 1:31 AM GMT
    I must conceed I'm not very good at being mad for long, or even hating anyone. I may disagree with actions, but I don't hate that person.

    To many people find it much easier to hold onto a grudge and let it grow and fester, than to address it, deal with it, and then too let it go; They would rather hold onto it.

    I find life way less complicated that I don't really get mad, and when I do, it's all over with the next moment. many family members have givern me good reasion to hate them, yet I hate non of them.

    Yes I have been hurt. But I learn from it, and move on. You know. This also has the power to piss people off. They say or do something to you, just to hurt you, and you give them a kind word back, and then move on.
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    Aug 05, 2009 1:35 AM GMT
    You will always win, and make yourself and another person feel better, by giving them a kind word, even if they did you wrong, or did something to hurt you.

    Like I like Christian for his thinking and his attention and passion, and even chucky because, he's just simply....hot.
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    Aug 05, 2009 1:40 AM GMT
    [quote][cite]wrestlervic said[/cite]You will always win, and make yourself and another person feel better, by giving them a kind word, even if they did you wrong, or did something to hurt you.


    My heart tells me you're right.

    But it sure doesn't feeling like winning. When people do me wrong. . . and I continue to give them a kind word. . . I feel like a chump.

    Again, this is a problem for me.

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    Aug 05, 2009 1:44 AM GMT
    LittleDudeWithMuscles said[quote][cite]wrestlervic said[/cite]You will always win, and make yourself and another person feel better, by giving them a kind word, even if they did you wrong, or did something to hurt you.


    My heart tells me you're right.

    But it sure doesn't feeling like winning. When people do me wrong. . . and I continue to give them a kind word. . . I feel like a chump.

    Again, this is a problem for me.



    Love is stronger than hate, it just is. Because hate comes from a lack of love, or a feeling of not being loved.
  • CarbGoggles

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    Aug 05, 2009 1:48 AM GMT
    I am a very hard headed person. If I feel somebody has wronged me then pretty much that's the end of that. Usually the only way for me to forgive the person is if they come to me first or if a 3rd party intervenes. It's def not something I like about myself.
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    Aug 05, 2009 2:04 AM GMT
    The saying goes fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

    In a world of nearly 8 BILLION people, the best thing to do with someone who pisses you off is to get some distance from you and them. If you can't, then certainly you shouldn't engage them further.

    Life is to short to live in fear, or deceit, or anger.
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    Aug 05, 2009 3:16 AM GMT
    TheIStrat saidSometimes burying the hatchet just isn't possible.



    Yeah, I know. Sometimes its impossible. I have a few of those too.

    My falling out with my sister was over stupid stuff that got blown out of proportion and nasty things were said. So it was easier to reconcile.

    Its still good to at least try to forgive those you think you can, and reduce some of that negativity in your life.
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    Aug 05, 2009 3:18 AM GMT
    I'm Italian, we hold grudges and pass them on to the next generation