Companionship Along The Way

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 05, 2009 1:28 PM GMT
    I am writing this in order to get feedback as to other men's experiences with something similar.
    I have been with my partner for 5 years...we have had some rough times during that time as well as good times...striving to create similarities. We have a deep love for each other and have learned much about ourselves and our relationship. I can truthfully say that I have had some profound inner breakthrus as to self reflection. We have lived in different states the whole time...traveling back and forth. We both prefer monogamy and find that healthy for us both. I have been married before for 19 years and helped raise a foster daughter. My partner has never been in a LTR in his life. He lead a very active promiscuous life in his 20s. Probably normal for many gay men.

    The challenge we have struggled with is the ability to communicate with each other. Since I was married for so long and raised a daughter I have found that the communication skills I learned has helped me to be forthright but that has not been his experience in life...he's latino and that culture is very different..especially with the machismo male training...or that was his experience. He has definately been working hard on that and has gotten better over years. As a past married guy I was use to touch and intimacy not only emotionally but verbally....it seemed easier for obtain those things from a woman. Its hard for him to share consistently in that way. He's fiercely independent...and I'm not against independence...it just feels like there is such a gap at times....I sometimes miss companionship. He and I have struggled to find things that we share in common with such different backgrounds. I have wondered if I wouldn't have been better off with a gay man that also had the background of being married and raising a family...it seems that gay men with that background tend to have an easier way about themselves...or so it seems.

    In closing I am in love with the man...and yet I am feeling tired of trying so hard to find common ground and commong communication. I'm sure he feels similar. We've talked about it at length. We are striving on focusing on building a friendship. We've always had good sex...not too many complications there. I'm just left with wanting more companionship along the way. I opened an office in the city he lives in in order to have more time with him in the area....he now is moving to Canada for a year...it just seems like a huge undertaking trying to keep things connected

    Would appreciate any thoughts and experiences that I may glen from. Thx
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    Aug 05, 2009 2:13 PM GMT
    Wow... it sounds like you're in a difficult situation. You have my best wishes!

    It seems that you're running into the classic challenge that long-distance relationships have -- it's just very difficult to develop that communication and intimacy if you can't spend a lot of time together. It sounds like your careers are working against you.

    I wish I had a great solution to offer, but I'm not sure there is one. icon_cry.gif

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    Aug 05, 2009 7:34 PM GMT
    One thing I think we all can agree on is that relationships take work, work, work and patience. And I have always held the belief that relationships can't really work if the two people in it don't get that. There are exceptions to every rule. You said the two of you have talked at length about this and that you have been together for 5 years. Cultural differences can be overcome with compromise. For example, do you both allow each other to have a night out with the fellas and balance that with a specific date night for just the two of you? It seems to me going on what you wrote that he may have an issue with intimacy, which is not the same thing as sex. I'm also going on the premise that he might say you could be needy. If it is, about the only option I see is therapy, which really isn't a dirty word. I commend you for doing what seems like everything possible to save and keep this relationship going, but keep in mind that one person can't do all the work. I know you love him and are in love with him, but love alone can't sustain a relationship. It must be nurtured and cared for in order to grow and last with both people on the same page, communicating his needs and issues. Best of luck to you. If he does move to Canada, I hope he comes back to you. I am cheering for ya!
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    Aug 05, 2009 11:07 PM GMT
    Based on what you've written it sounds like the fundamental problem is that your relationship is based more on a sexual chemistry than it is on common interests. I think this problem is typical among gay men and the arrival of the internet has only made it worse as it encourages everyone to seek after the most superficial qualities and not the deeper more meaningful ones needed for good companionship. The distance has probably helped keep the sexual chemistry alive as I imagine you both crave some physical contact when you finally see each other. It has also made it difficult to develop a good companionship.

    I'm convinced that almost all gay men put romance ahead of companionship. If you tell someone you want to be friends first they will almost always put a date or even a booty call ahead of you. If they have a busy schedule, chances are you won't be hearing from them much. While this may be true among straight men as well I have found they are better at getting a hall pass from their wife or girlfriend to hang out with the guys. That is because the friendship is usually based on common interests that their wives or gfs may or may not share.

    It is frustrating to me because after being single most of my life I've come to the conclusion that they only way I can make a relationship work is to have a romance to blossom from a strong companionship not from sexual chemistry alone. I've tried to put my theory to work. I have met guys my age whom it seems would make great companions but with whom I have only a modest attraction if any. They usually make the first move and we usually end up having sex. The moment I mention that I'm looking for good friendship I'll never hear from them again. Yet, had we had a chance to spend more time together and found we really enjoyed each others company I expect my sexual attraction would have grown.
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    Aug 05, 2009 11:25 PM GMT
    peacefulwarrior saidI am writing this in order to get feedback as to other men's experiences with something similar.
    I have been with my partner for 5 years...we have had some rough times during that time as well as good times...striving to create similarities. We have a deep love for each other and have learned much about ourselves and our relationship. I can truthfully say that I have had some profound inner breakthrus as to self reflection. We have lived in different states the whole time...traveling back and forth. We both prefer monogamy and find that healthy for us both. I have been married before for 19 years and helped raise a foster daughter. My partner has never been in a LTR in his life. He lead a very active promiscuous life in his 20s. Probably normal for many gay men.

    The challenge we have struggled with is the ability to communicate with each other. Since I was married for so long and raised a daughter I have found that the communication skills I learned has helped me to be forthright but that has not been his experience in life...he's latino and that culture is very different..especially with the machismo male training...or that was his experience. He has definately been working hard on that and has gotten better over years. As a past married guy I was use to touch and intimacy not only emotionally but verbally....it seemed easier for obtain those things from a woman. Its hard for him to share consistently in that way. He's fiercely independent...and I'm not against independence...it just feels like there is such a gap at times....I sometimes miss companionship. He and I have struggled to find things that we share in common with such different backgrounds. I have wondered if I wouldn't have been better off with a gay man that also had the background of being married and raising a family...it seems that gay men with that background tend to have an easier way about themselves...or so it seems.

    In closing I am in love with the man...and yet I am feeling tired of trying so hard to find common ground and commong communication. I'm sure he feels similar. We've talked about it at length. We are striving on focusing on building a friendship. We've always had good sex...not too many complications there. I'm just left with wanting more companionship along the way. I opened an office in the city he lives in in order to have more time with him in the area....he now is moving to Canada for a year...it just seems like a huge undertaking trying to keep things connected

    Would appreciate any thoughts and experiences that I may glen from. Thx



    Dear Peacefulwarrior!!

    You may not know it but you already have the solution at your reach! first of all you both seem to be in love or at least working at it with each other even if it may not manifest at the surface. In relationships the shows of affections or verbal communications between couples is only but a part of many other parts within the wholeness of love! and to be honest with you the fact you both are still together is a sign of how much you both care for each other.


    My friend a true peaceful warrior finds peace not because he wins a war but rather after reflecting on the lessons learned on each of the battles he lost!!!


    ♥ Leandro ♥
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 05, 2009 11:30 PM GMT
    hmmm I know this problem, I had it my self..

    I was brought up in a house of girls from a very early age, the only other male figure in the house was my brother and he moved out as soon as humanly possible.

    Anyway, I think my experience growing up around girls is that I can communicate much more expressively then most regular men.

    regular guys tend to be brought up to not express there feelings in the same way women do, it isn't helped by the fact that most regular guys aren't very word smithy anyway, guys tend to deal with things very differently.

    A guy will talk about his problem with another guy in the hopes of finding a solution, women talk about what ever the hell it is they talk about the analise everything to death and then they keep talking about it over and over.

    However, most men when they get close with there partner, they tend to open up more to them (but only them) and will occasionally say whats on there mind, talk about problems and so on, still with the hope of finding a solution.

    Hampered however is this closeness most couples develop because of the distance, two people who are already good at communication would have less troubles, however since he's never had a long term relationship before he possibly can't get as close to you emotionally as couples normally can, physical distance is always a problem with these things.

    But distance or not, these skills that a very very long time to develop, it's not so much a trust in the other person, but, in them self, in being able to open up, to say these things, my ex at the start of our relationship was terrible at communicating emotionally on most levels, by the end he was still dreadful but marked improvement and I could at least pick up everything else from subtle ques he's give off.

    I did find though, that if I gently lead the way into more emotional stuff he'd follow along and keep talking and as the years ticked by I could go further and further.

    If he seems worth the effort and your both willing, don't give up on it, just be gentle and always articulate what you feel, talk to him, he's obviously willing but doesn't know how.

    well theres a mishmash of sentences for you icon_smile.gif
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    Aug 06, 2009 12:12 AM GMT
    Thank you gentlemen...great insight and information. What each of you have written is very valueable to me...it's got me thinking deeply. Thanks again.
    Jedidiah
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    Aug 06, 2009 5:11 AM GMT
    "I opened an office in the city he lives in in order to have more time with him in the area....he now is moving to Canada for a year...it just seems like a huge undertaking trying to keep things connected"

    I don't mean to be pessimistic, but isn't there a huge red flag waving at you right there?

    Unless it was no effort at all to open an office right there in the city where he lives, er, lived . . . And why would any decent, thoughtful man then move away? (And to another country!)

    Sadly, he has sent you a very clear message . . .