"Straight" Friend is confused

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    Aug 05, 2009 8:18 PM GMT
    Ok I have this friend that I've known since we were in kindergarten, we're practically best friends. However, there was a time when I didn't see him (he left my school around 4th grade and I saw him again at high school freshman year..then he left schools again and I recently got a hold of him) and we recently started talking again. So college rolls around and we both took a semester class together, and one day he tells me that he thinks he's gay. I was totally shocked. Later that day he picked me up and we went to play pool and air hockey and just hang out & maybe smoke a few. I then later asked him on the gay subject...he told me he loves women and can't imagine being with a guy...but he's had sex with a guy before and is attracted to guys. So I did the whole "Cruel Intentions" thing and kissed him. Guess what? He didn't pull back, and if anything he got rougher and started grabbing my ass. The wierd part (aside from my friend and I knowing eachother for a long time) is that he didn't have a boner, he was semi hard. He asked me to suck him off, which I did (we were at a secluded area..don't worry) and I kinda regret. He didn't get hard, but he later did and wanted to "try it out again". I'm not sure how I should handle this, since I think he isn't gay. Any advice?
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    Aug 08, 2009 3:08 AM GMT
    Were you.... sailing at the time?


    Anyway I think it could have been location, and if he didn't flinch from it, that seems like a go-ahead for more.
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    Aug 11, 2009 5:07 PM GMT
    no we weren't sailing..it's actually kinda silly how this ALL came about...sorry for skipping details icon_confused.gif

    but thanks
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    Aug 11, 2009 5:23 PM GMT
    inmate_6655321 saidOk I have this friend that I've known since we were in kindergarten, we're practically best friends. However, there was a time when I didn't see him (he left my school around 4th grade and I saw him again at high school freshman year..then he left schools again and I recently got a hold of him) and we recently started talking again. So college rolls around and we both took a semester class together, and one day he tells me that he thinks he's gay. I was totally shocked. Later that day he picked me up and we went to play pool and air hockey and just hang out & maybe smoke a few. I then later asked him on the gay subject...he told me he loves women and can't imagine being with a guy...but he's had sex with a guy before and is attracted to guys. So I did the whole "Cruel Intentions" thing and kissed him. Guess what? He didn't pull back, and if anything he got rougher and started grabbing my ass. The wierd part (aside from my friend and I knowing eachother for a long time) is that he didn't have a boner, he was semi hard. He asked me to suck him off, which I did (we were at a secluded area..don't worry) and I kinda regret. He didn't get hard, but he later did and wanted to "try it out again". I'm not sure how I should handle this, since I think he isn't gay. Any advice?


    He's head fucked. Probably gay, and at best bi, but, self-loathing, and of low esteem, and in denial. For you, it's a no-win situation in every way.

    Best thing is distance between you and him. As much as you can. Let him know it's not acceptable for him to be leading duals lives, a fake, deceitful and so on. Do not act as an enabler. Do not put yourself in a position to get your feelings hurt, or worse. He needs to evolve into a decent person with integrity.

    If you don't get away from him, it'll be a roller coaster of one way one day, and another way another day. With nearly 8 BILLION folks in the world, it goes without question that you shouldn't have to deal with a flake. Dump him as soon as you can.
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    Aug 11, 2009 5:25 PM GMT
    News flash!! Your friend is GAY and just hasn't come to terms with it. If you didn't pay to kiss or suck him off, there was no incentive for him to allow it. The fact that he's already had sex with a guy means, he knew what it would feel like being with one. Therefore, he didnt have to "experiment" with u unless there was pleasure to be had.

    It sounds like u have a thing for him as well. I wouldn't even want to kiss or make out with any of my friends (gay or stricon_cool.gif.

    He's gay and you love it..lol .. keep us posted on when you u2 finally go all the way.

    What;s it like hooking up with someone you've known as a child?
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    Aug 11, 2009 5:29 PM GMT
    Sounds like your friend is bisexual...
    Ask yourself what you want out of it and then know all he's offering is u sucking his dick.


    if you're smart, you won't confuse "friendship" with sex, unless you both just wanna be fuck buds, which means you won't be playing pool and air hockey alot together any more...


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    Aug 11, 2009 6:02 PM GMT
    chuckystud saidHe's head fucked. Probably gay, and at best bi, but, self-loathing, and of low esteem, and in denial. For you, it's a no-win situation in every way.

    Best thing is distance between you and him. As much as you can. Let him know it's not acceptable for him to be leading duals lives, a fake, deceitful and so on. Do not act as an enabler. Do not put yourself in a position to get your feelings hurt, or worse. He needs to evolve into a decent person with integrity.

    If you don't get away from him, it'll be a roller coaster of one way one day, and another way another day. With nearly 8 BILLION folks in the world, it goes without question that you shouldn't have to deal with a flake. Dump him as soon as you can.


    I think that may be a little pre-emptive and harsh. First inmate_ has to figure out what he wants from this friendship, how far he wants it to go, to what extent etc.

    Then he has to confront his friend about his choices and where he may stand, eventually leading into certain questions about their own comfort with sexuality and what they would want from this arrangement.

    If the boy is indeed mind-fucked as Chucky says, then yes, by all means, break off contact or intervene... don't let the situation languish.
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    Aug 11, 2009 6:20 PM GMT
    It also added over a billion people to the world's current population, but factpinions are a specialty of CS.

    How you "handle" this? I dunno - you haven't said that anything is particularly bothering you about this situation, esp. since you're getting dick out of it. If you don't want to be with someone who is fence-sitting about his sexuality, stop sucking his dick.

    If something IS bothering you, have a frank conversation with your friend about what's going on and tell him what you've told us. It doesn't matter what you 'think' your friend's sexual orientation is, but you can control how you behave around him. You're 18 years old, and assumably your friend is too. You don't have to have all the answers at 18 - and, as evidenced by some of the posts on this thread and others, most of us never do.
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    Aug 11, 2009 6:20 PM GMT
    Thanks for your insight. I think I'll try to gently swoop him out of the closet, but if he just wants sex and/or insists on that double life, I'll take Chuck's advice and slowly move away from him. Thanks guys icon_smile.gif
    I'll keep ya posted!!!
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    Aug 11, 2009 6:23 PM GMT
    and P.S. it isn't all sexual...I just offered to do that to see if he really is gay...I do however, have a problem if he only wants to hangout and fuck, which isn't what I do with my friends nor my boyfriend (if I had one...sigh...icon_cry.gif )
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    Aug 11, 2009 6:23 PM GMT
    inmate_6655321 saidThanks for your insight. I think I'll try to gently swoop him out of the closet, but if he just wants sex and/or insists on that double life, I'll take Chuck's advice and slowly move away from him. Thanks guys icon_smile.gif
    I'll keep ya posted!!!


    Do him the favor, out of respect for your long friendship, of telling him WHY you're moving away from him if it comes to that. Don't be a passive-aggressive gay.. help him understand why.
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    Aug 17, 2009 2:22 AM GMT
    *Update* I told him what was going on. He got kinda angry and said "fuck it whatever". So...we're not friends anymore. Thanks guys for helping me avoid massive drama. icon_smile.gif
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    Aug 17, 2009 2:46 AM GMT
    It is usually better to let them accept themselves on their own terms and on their own time. I agree with ChuckyStud's advice and recommend moving away from that situation as soon as possible.
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Aug 17, 2009 3:02 AM GMT
    Read this:

    http://straightguise.blogspot.com/2007/07/what-is-straight-guise.html

    It might help.
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    Aug 23, 2009 5:22 AM GMT
    thanks coolarmydude
    it did help icon_smile.gif

    now I know what types of guys to AVOID
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    Aug 23, 2009 5:23 AM GMT
    happens to me a few times. those are the best.
  • JayneCobb

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    Aug 23, 2009 6:28 AM GMT
    Run the other way. Trust me, I've been in this situation SOOOO many times before.
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    Aug 23, 2009 7:06 AM GMT
    coolarmydude saidRead this:

    http://straightguise.blogspot.com/2007/07/what-is-straight-guise.html

    It might help.



    NO! Don't read that site! If you do, you might start to question the idea that Homosexuality is a genetically and psychologically monolithic class of people throughout history whose major status is as an identity group who are undergoing a great political struggle to secure equal rights for their class! It is BadThink to consider the possibilty that there might be several different causes, effects, feedback loops, and personal growth stories involved in the psychology of same-sex behavior and/or attraction. And it certainly must never be even suggested that there could be homosexual pathologies, because as we all know, homosexuals are decent normal people just like heterosexuals -- and of course there are no such things as heterosexual pathologies right -- and any admission of pathology is counterrevolutionary reactionism and must be crushed by the Historical Sexual Dialectic. Cocksuckers of the World, Unite and Take Over! icon_smile.gif

    Seriously though, on the Kinsey Scale I'm somwhere in the 4 range, but I had some situations involving people in the 2-3 range. Not one of those situations ended well for me. Part of that was from being young and inexperienced and learning to handle my own feelings, but part of that was also the other person doing the same, but coming from a slightly different basic motive.

    So in general the advice to move on and find other friends is good advice. If you're in those early stages of figuring out who you are and how you feel, then the mixed signals you're getting FROM YOURSELF are confusing enough. Don't torture yourself by adding someone else's mixed signals into the situation.
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    Oct 03, 2009 10:00 PM GMT
    inmate_6655321 saidand P.S. it isn't all sexual...I just offered to do that to see if he really is gay...I do however, have a problem if he only wants to hangout and fuck, which isn't what I do with my friends nor my boyfriend (if I had one...sigh...icon_cry.gif )



    inmate_6655321 saidthanks coolarmydude
    it did help icon_smile.gif

    now I know what types of guys to AVOID



    Ummmmmm. PLEASE don't take everything you hear and fly with it. These are suggestions. Based on our personal bias, experience, etc. You can't go through life strapped to the internet, awaiting instruction from anon.

    It kinda sounds like you printed off Chucky's post, read it like a script, and proceeded to walk away from this "friend". I don't know the situation, maybe you did decide that he was not a beneficial friend for good reasons....but I can tell you that the idea of "offering to do it to see if he was really gay" is most likely why he couldn't get hard. Ever hear of performance anxiety?

    Also, don't listen to anything I just said. And do it all. But not because I said so. And don't avoid it because I said not to.

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    Oct 03, 2009 10:04 PM GMT
    inmate_6655321 saidOk I have this friend that I've known since we were in kindergarten, we're practically best friends. However, there was a time when I didn't see him (he left my school around 4th grade and I saw him again at high school freshman year..then he left schools again and I recently got a hold of him) and we recently started talking again. So college rolls around and we both took a semester class together, and one day he tells me that he thinks he's gay. I was totally shocked. Later that day he picked me up and we went to play pool and air hockey and just hang out & maybe smoke a few. I then later asked him on the gay subject...he told me he loves women and can't imagine being with a guy...but he's had sex with a guy before and is attracted to guys. So I did the whole "Cruel Intentions" thing and kissed him. Guess what? He didn't pull back, and if anything he got rougher and started grabbing my ass. The wierd part (aside from my friend and I knowing eachother for a long time) is that he didn't have a boner, he was semi hard. He asked me to suck him off, which I did (we were at a secluded area..don't worry) and I kinda regret. He didn't get hard, but he later did and wanted to "try it out again". I'm not sure how I should handle this, since I think he isn't gay. Any advice?


    1. It's called denial, not confusion.
    2. Run. Way to much baggage. Unless you like being hurt, and you almost certainly will be, the very best thing with you and this guy is DISTANCE.
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    Oct 03, 2009 10:08 PM GMT
    Straight Guise1. Openly Gay: These are men with homosexual orientations and preferences, who are romantically and sexually aroused by other men. When engaging in sexual activity with men, they feel affirmed and positive.

    2. Closeted homosexual: These are homosexually oriented men who are sexually attracted to other men but are ashamed of their feelings and repress their urges to enjoy their fantasies and behaviors—knowing it could lead to romance and love. When they engage in same-sex behavior, they feel ashamed.


    Hmmmm, I must not be closeted after all. I feel that I have passed the stage (OK, are we ever 100% PAST the stage?) of self-loathing and shame. But not passed the stage of being "Open" about my sexuality. Where's the gray area in this list?
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    Oct 03, 2009 10:13 PM GMT
    inmate_6655321 saidOk I have this friend that I've known since we were in kindergarten, we're practically best friends. However, there was a time when I didn't see him (he left my school around 4th grade and I saw him again at high school freshman year..then he left schools again and I recently got a hold of him) and we recently started talking again. So college rolls around and we both took a semester class together, and one day he tells me that he thinks he's gay. I was totally shocked. Later that day he picked me up and we went to play pool and air hockey and just hang out & maybe smoke a few. I then later asked him on the gay subject...he told me he loves women and can't imagine being with a guy...but he's had sex with a guy before and is attracted to guys. So I did the whole "Cruel Intentions" thing and kissed him. Guess what? He didn't pull back, and if anything he got rougher and started grabbing my ass. The wierd part (aside from my friend and I knowing eachother for a long time) is that he didn't have a boner, he was semi hard. He asked me to suck him off, which I did (we were at a secluded area..don't worry) and I kinda regret. He didn't get hard, but he later did and wanted to "try it out again". I'm not sure how I should handle this, since I think he isn't gay. Any advice?


    I hate to be a Doubting Thomas, but the way you told this story makes it sound made-up.
    "He didn't get hard, but later did"
    "We went to play air hockey and maybe smoke a few."
    Do you know what happened, or don't you? Maybe I'm reading too much into this... Just seems like a weird lack of detail that I hear often when people stretch the truth.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19138

    Oct 03, 2009 10:19 PM GMT
    This all seems a bit much ado about nothing. The guy's 18, still very VERY young, and that is a scary and confusing guilt-ridden time for most gay or bi guys coming to terms with their sexuality. I'd cut your friend a little slack. While your coming out process may have been easier for you at an earlier age, this isn't the case for everybody -- dare I say most everybody. We've all been there, to one degree or another, so be patient with your friend and, more importantly, be supportive. That's what friends do.