Can two lovers start out as just friends?

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    Aug 07, 2009 8:32 PM GMT
    And if so how long do you thing they can be friends before being lovers?

    When I read about romantic expectations here I’m struck by how different mine are. I use to be like a lot of guys here but I’ve pretty much given up on the WE channel style romance. I don’t expect to have another LTR as I’m not sure if any of my past relationships would be considered long. These days I have a completely different fantasy. I meet a guy and we become good friends. Initially I may or may not have much physical attraction towards him but I am aware that he has so many other attractive qualities that are more important. We both love outdoor sports and start spending a lot of time together. We meet each other’s friends and get along with pretty much all of them. Maybe, just maybe, somewhere along the way our friendship turns physical. And maybe just maybe it evolves into a low drama romantic relationship.

    It seems like other guys should feel the same way particularly at my age. Not many guys my age are attracted to guys my age. And quite frankly there are not as many guys my age who are hot relative to men in the late 20s to early 40s age group. But I’ve had plenty of hunks in my time and I am done looking for Mister Goodbar. I realize there has to be at least a moderate attraction but when I meet someone new, I am more concerned about how much we have in common than how hot the sex will be. I don’t want to rush into some faux romance before I have some idea if we will be good friends.

    Most of my current gay friendships are maintained through periodic chats on the telephone and the occasional dinner or drinks. I turn to my straight (and married or coupled) friends when I really want to have an adventurous time. That is why I believe if I met a gay guy with a similar idea of how to have a great time, a moderate attraction could become a stronger one if we spent more time together.

    Are there any other guys here who think like I do? I get the impression most gay men decide early on if another guy will be a friend or lover and never reconsider once the decision has been made. As such they are reluctant to find time for a potential new friend as they are devoting all their energy looking for the next passionate affaire. If they do become friends they fear that any physical contact will destroy the friendship. I know I thought this way when I was younger but I now feel each case is different. It seems so tragic when a couple splits after spending so many years together and find they really don’t have enough in common to be friends.

    Which brings me to one more personal note. When I was sixteen my parent’s marriage was looking pretty ugly from my perspective. I asked why they don’t consider divorce. My dad was shocked I would say this but it was clear to my mom something wasn’t working. They never did divorce sometime and before my mom’s severe stroke I remember her saying it was all worth just to spend your final years with your best friend.
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    Aug 08, 2009 12:38 AM GMT
    looks all good to me, friendormate. Bill fell for me hard and fast. I on the other hand, had to feel friendship first, as I had tripped on down the instant passion road far too many times before.

    It was the right mix - Bill had the patience and we both had the 'gift of the gab' and though it was short indeed before we committed to one another, what we talked about and how we talked about things were, what we believe, made all the difference.

    -Doug of meninlove
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    Aug 08, 2009 3:03 AM GMT
    Thanks Doug but obviously my suspension that I'm one of the few who think this way is confirmed give the paltry feedback this thread has generated.
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    Aug 08, 2009 10:44 PM GMT
    My boyfriend was very interested in me when we first met. So much so that he had made it in his mind that he was going to ask me out the next time he saw me, which he did.

    I didn't like him. It took a long time for me to fall for him.

    So we started out as just friends.

    I think thats the reason why things are so great now. We had time to truly get to know each other. All those little habits that you subconciously hide while trying to impress someone.

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    Aug 08, 2009 10:46 PM GMT
    friendormate saidThanks Doug but obviously my suspension that I'm one of the few who think this way is confirmed give the paltry feedback this thread has generated.


    Don't be so dissapointed. Its not that people don't agree with you. Its probably because you wrote so much. Honestly I didn't finish it all either.
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    Aug 08, 2009 10:57 PM GMT
    Interesting I think thats a great way to find a good relationship I think its important that at the core of a good relationship is a rock solid friendship. Yet after my recent breakup I wonder if the reverse isn't possible. Is it possible to have a great friendship with an ex? And should you really even try?
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    Aug 08, 2009 11:12 PM GMT
    The relationship I have with both my husbands started out as friends first. That is our foundasion.
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    Aug 08, 2009 11:24 PM GMT
    Starting out as friends is probably the best way to start a relationship. People who start out at lovers don't always have the friendship to fall back on when things get rough.
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    Aug 09, 2009 2:09 PM GMT
    Well, we believe all combinations are possible for success, and even likely as well, as we know people in happy LTRs that started out as either both just friends,
    immediate lovers,
    one in love, one in friendship, etc etc etc.
    It's important to keep yourself open to all possibilities as there's no cut-and-dried formula.
    Love can't be put in a box, lol!
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    Aug 10, 2009 11:34 PM GMT
    angrywhiteguy22 saidInteresting I think thats a great way to find a good relationship I think its important that at the core of a good relationship is a rock solid friendship. Yet after my recent breakup I wonder if the reverse isn't possible. Is it possible to have a great friendship with an ex? And should you really even try?


    Yes it is possible but less likely if you don't like to do the same things in your spare time. I have a friend who is an ex of sorts. Nearly all his friends are ex boyfriends. I've also known people who were together for more than 10 years and when they break up they don't even speak to each other.
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    Aug 18, 2009 2:42 PM GMT
    My boyfriend and I were friends at first as we shared a common interest of 1950's muscle cars. That's where we first met was at a car show. It was a month into our relationship before we even kissed for the first time. Now here it is 4 months later and we have become best friends, fell in love with each other and now live together. icon_biggrin.gif
  • jarhead5536

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    Aug 18, 2009 2:49 PM GMT
    "Partner" and I lived very far away from each other in the beginning, so all we did was talk on the phone, and it was months before we actually saw each other in the flesh for the second time (there was no sex or anything at the first meeting). We became very good friends during those long conversations. It was a good thing, as Martha says.

    Taking the next step with an established close friend can be dicey. You better be damned sure that this is what you both want, because a casual roll in the hay with a friend can really mess up that friendship if things don't work out the way you hope they do...
  • SoDakGuy

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    Aug 18, 2009 3:02 PM GMT
    Long story short ... yes, they can.
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    Aug 19, 2009 4:42 AM GMT
    Bob and I started slowly - in Forums - complimenting one another on some point or other. Then, we started writing to each other, and later taking it to the phones about 3 1/2 months ago. We have long phone calls every day - 1 to 4 hours sometimes. Then, finally we met and spent 4 days together. We live on opposite ends of the country. We became good friends in the countless hours of calls - and then the thunderbolt hit us. When we finally met, it was so awesome - - we already knew each other very well, but it was amazing seeing and touching each other - in the flesh. We couldn't take our eyes off of each other. Now we're doing another, longer visit - and then another, and another. The long distance is hard - - so a move is in our future. But yes, I think it was good that we had so much time to get to know one another before we got together physically.
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    Aug 21, 2009 5:55 PM GMT
    Actually for me the obvious way to get to boyfriend with a guy was always to start with a friendship, and boy, was I in for a big surprise... (I guess that tells so much about my inexperience a few years ago... Oh well.)

    I still believe that "friendship first" is the ideal for me, but that turned out not to be the case with my first BF... we became very good friends as the relationship progressed and remain so to this day after we no longer are together. On the other hand, I don't think I would had invested so much in that relationship if I hadn't sensed the "anchors" in our personalities and experiences that would allow us to develop trust and real friendship even while enveloped in all that romance and... erhmm... sexual attraction.

    Point is, in my view, a real friendship is the foundation of a good relationship. But whether that should come before, after or during romance (or sex!) is up to the particular situation... I guess.