If relationships are all about compromises.......

  • Endurance09

    Posts: 8

    Aug 08, 2009 3:14 PM GMT
    How do you know if you have compromised too much after 12 years together??

    Any personal stories will be much appreciated guys. Thanks!
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    Aug 08, 2009 3:17 PM GMT

    lol, well thankfully relationships aren't just about compromises. icon_wink.gif

    Do you feel you've compromised too much?
  • Endurance09

    Posts: 8

    Aug 08, 2009 3:28 PM GMT
    hey.....thanks for the response.

    To answer your question, I just don't know. I have been in a relationship from my late 20s through my 30s. Now that I hit 40 this year, I have been reflecting back and wondering if it still worth it.

    How do you reconcile the part of you that still wonders what it's like to be single with the part of you that still loves the one your with?
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    Aug 08, 2009 3:35 PM GMT

    LOl, welcome to Realjock Endurance09!

    Hmmm, well we'd both need a litle more info, if your'e shy to put it out here you can message us on RJ email.

    These feelings are there for a reason. We can explore them with you if you like.

    For starters, do you feel excessive compromising has led you to this emotional impasse, where you feel you'll lose out with either decision; to be single or stay with your partner?


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    Aug 08, 2009 5:39 PM GMT
    Do you feel like you have given up your self ?
  • DanBasil

    Posts: 173

    Aug 10, 2009 6:19 PM GMT
    Sit back and look at the big picture, who makes all the decisions in the relationship? Is it one-sided? If it is you're giving up too much. The compromises should lead you to an equitable relationship where there is a balance.
  • swimbikerun

    Posts: 2835

    Aug 10, 2009 6:22 PM GMT
    _chuck_ saidDo you feel like you have given up your self ?
    This is a great question. A long-term primary relationship i the biggest threat to individuation. All threats must be eliminated. --END TRANSMISSION--
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    Aug 10, 2009 6:35 PM GMT
    Ask yourself if this person is still good to you and good for you?
    Also don't measure your relationship by the supposed fun that your single friends are having, chances are they are not having that much fun...TRUST ME! It's a front.

    Lastly are you still in love with your partner...not do you still love him but are you still in love with him?
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    Aug 10, 2009 6:46 PM GMT
    I'm not sure there is such a thing as "too much" compromise, but I think there can be a "wrong" compromise.

    After 12 years in a relationship, you can't look back and lament the fact that you're not the same person you used to be. After all, you wouldn't be the same person after 12 years even if you had been single the whole time.

    When you make each compromise, you need to know that it's one you're comfortable with, and why (or why not). So what if you make 1,000 compromises for every 1 that your partner makes? Does that number, by itself, actually matter? I don't think so... Not if you're happy with the results.

    Now, if you're starting to feel that there's no 'you' anymore... that the things that really define you have been lost in the compromising, then you have to ask if (a) you compromised something you shouldn't have; or (b) you have reached an age where you need to reevaluate your identity -- that does happen.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Aug 10, 2009 7:04 PM GMT
    So you want to leave the guy you've been with for 12 years just because you feel you have compromised your ability to date other men? I would think after that long with someone you would realize that yes, it's nice to be single at times, but this person who has stood by you for that long outweighs those thoughts.
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    Aug 11, 2009 5:36 PM GMT
    Endurance09 saidHow do you know if you have compromised too much after 12 years together??

    Any personal stories will be much appreciated guys. Thanks!


    Only you'd know if you compromised too much after 12 yrs - example - put your dreams, job, travel plans on hold ... etc. I mean as long as you're still happy being with him after all 12 yrs, that's all it matter. If you're not happy and felt that you sacrificed or compromised too much for him, take some time off from him (or break up) and go do whatever you haven't done yet.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Aug 11, 2009 8:05 PM GMT
    You know if you've compromised too much if you feel cheated and unloved in a relationship

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    Aug 11, 2009 8:10 PM GMT
    GQjock saidYou know if you've compromised too much if you feel cheated and unloved in a relationship



    Yes and no. Lots of people feel cheated and unloved because of their own internal issues and not because of anything that is actually happening to them. If you've ever dated someone and tried to give them the moon and stars and it STILL isn't enough to make up for what they either didn't get from an ex or what they feel they deserve, you understand where I'm coming from on this.

    Regardless, it's probably a good idea to *gasp* have a conversation with your partner about where you are coming from which will a> allow him to hear it vs. having to read your mind and b> provide his perspective, which might change yours.
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    Aug 11, 2009 8:13 PM GMT
    When you're asking yourself that question and it physically hurts and you want to cry just for thinking it.

    My relationship was 6 years, a far cry from 12.
    It ended very amicably and we are still best friends it didn't make it hurt any less. It was 2 years ago and I still get teary if I dwell on that time too long.

    You know when you've compromised too much... I would suggest putting the same amount of work into your relationship now, that you did when you first met. Talk about what is going on *before* you reach your breaking point, or at least get there together so no one is blind sided.

    I hope things work out how you want them to.

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    Aug 11, 2009 8:20 PM GMT
    Endurance09 saidhey.....thanks for the response.

    To answer your question, I just don't know. I have been in a relationship from my late 20s through my 30s. Now that I hit 40 this year, I have been reflecting back and wondering if it still worth it.

    How do you reconcile the part of you that still wonders what it's like to be single with the part of you that still loves the one your with?


    I've been with my old ball and chain for close to 14 years. There have been a few times when I felt that I was compromising too much. In retrospect, I'm not too sure, but that's neither here nor there.

    Compromising is part of any relationship. Healthy or not, it's a crucial ingredient.

    It's okay to feel this way. Talk with your partner about it.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Aug 11, 2009 8:23 PM GMT
    Relationships are about compromising the little things because you're in line with each other on the important things.
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    Aug 11, 2009 8:44 PM GMT
    While I agree that a very important part of a successful relationship is about compromise, I think it depends on the individual and the situation to know when you have compromised too much.

    I sort of call it emotional capital. When you compromise, you are usually depleting yours, but you get it back with a compromise your partner has made. When you feel depleted or have lost 'you' - that is likely when you have done too much.

    That's just my two cents.
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    Aug 11, 2009 9:38 PM GMT
    my partner and i have been together for 3 years. we're very different, so our relationship requires a lot of compromise. it can be tiring, in fact.
    at times i do wonder if i'm giving up too much of myself for "us." for instance, i wonder what i'd do on a weekend if it was really up to me. inevitably it's something he'd never choose, and rarely something he'd agree to. it isn't that the compromises are one sided, they aren't; but it's the sheer quantity. it seems we don't agree on much and therefore have to compromise on lots...at times i wonder if there is anything we both agree about.

    in my case, it's not a question of whether it's a good or bad relationship. it's a question of how much energy it takes and will it ever get any easier? i ask myself, can i do this for another year -- yes. can i do it for another 20 years...i dunno. but people change. maybe it will get easier... and i do love him. we love each other.

    is it possible you've hit a wall? that's the ending i fear most, running out of steam and not being able to work it out.

    good luck endurance.
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    Aug 11, 2009 9:54 PM GMT
    Gemini -

    I'm curious (and you don't have to answer if you're not comfortable) whether this is something you talk with your partner about or not.

    It is mind-boggling the # of posts I see on here from people who go into ridiculous detail about issues that, if talked about, would probably go away.

    Let me be clear - I'm not saying that this is the case with you at all - I'm just curious if you DO have those conversations if you'd be willing to share a bit more about how you've talked about the compromise issue. Does he know that you feel like everything or almost everything is a compromise?

    Just curious - and again, do not mean to imply anything other than my own curiousity.
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    Aug 11, 2009 9:58 PM GMT
    Maybe your partner feels he has compromised too much also. Sometimes it's tough to talk about these things even with the person you love most in the world, but if you feel you both could handle it without anger, it might be time to talk about this.
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    Aug 12, 2009 4:45 AM GMT
    Relationships are not all about compromise. Oh yes, compromise is very important, but it only works if you communicate what needs and wants you both have and constantly reevaluate your relationship. The 'oh, I love you forever and ever schnooky ookums' of yesteryear becomes the 'I wanna fuck a third while you jerk off' of today. Not telling your boyfriend that you are having problems is a sure way to light a match on the Hindenburg. Oh the Humanity!

    Have a chat with your boyfriend, he is the only one that can help you out.
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    Aug 12, 2009 6:29 PM GMT
    MunchingZombie saidRelationships are not all about compromise. Oh yes, compromise is very important, but it only works if you communicate what needs and wants you both have and constantly reevaluate your relationship. The 'oh, I love you forever and ever schnooky ookums' of yesteryear becomes the 'I wanna fuck a third while you jerk off' of today. Not telling your boyfriend that you are having problems is a sure way to light a match on the Hindenburg. Oh the Humanity!

    Have a chat with your boyfriend, he is the only one that can help you out.


    Very well said and true. Communication...frequent, healthy communication is key.
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    Aug 13, 2009 12:39 AM GMT
    badmikeyt saidGemini -

    I'm curious (and you don't have to answer if you're not comfortable) whether this is something you talk with your partner about or not.

    It is mind-boggling the # of posts I see on here from people who go into ridiculous detail about issues that, if talked about, would probably go away.

    Let me be clear - I'm not saying that this is the case with you at all - I'm just curious if you DO have those conversations if you'd be willing to share a bit more about how you've talked about the compromise issue. Does he know that you feel like everything or almost everything is a compromise?

    Just curious - and again, do not mean to imply anything other than my own curiousity.


    hey badmikey,
    you're right, we don't talk "about" the relationship much, but we're both aware of the issues unspoken. to answer your question: no we don't talk about compromise, but i think i can say we're both painfully aware of our differences.

    eg: the other day my gym offered a summer yoga class in the park. i wanted to go and suggested he walk the dogs down to meet me after class. i thought it was a nice idea: enjoy the park on a lovely summer night; the boys needed to go out anyway... he said he'd think about it. needless to say i spent most of the class looking over my shoulder for my handsome bf and our dogs, needless to say he didn't come. why? when he got home he saw a pile of laundry that needed to be put away and to him that was more important. not that he said that, but i know how he thinks -- he loves being organized, folding clothes is sorta fun for him. on the other hand, walking the dogs is just work.

    me: i love a romantic moment and loved the idea of capping off the outdoor yoga class with my loving family in the park...not gonna happen. instead i came home and took the dogs out myself. he was largely oblivious to my dissappointment and if i'd brought it up, it would be the same as starting a fight. after all, i have no right to demand he show up to my fantasies when the laundry isn't put away!icon_rolleyes.gif

    however, i had a great class, i love my bf and we have a great life together -- we're just SO different....

    a few times i've thought it was over, or ending...but we always pull back.
    so there ya have it...
    and thanks for letting me vent!
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    Aug 13, 2009 1:06 AM GMT
    I guess it depends on what you've compromised. If you've compromised things that mean a lot to you (i.e. time with family, career goals, etc.) and he hasn't made similar compromises then yes I'd say you've compromised too much.

    If you just mean you wonder if you've given too much youth and fun that could've been had, well I think those are concerns everyone in relationships have. Lord knows I've had those doubts and feelings. There's no way to know what would've happened or if you could've had wild and crazy times so there's really no use in wondering what could've been—you'll just make yourself crazy.
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    Aug 13, 2009 2:08 AM GMT
    hum dont really know what to say.

    My hubby and I have been together for 12 years. We are not the same people we were back when we met, but we have grown together and we both have built a wonderful life together. Do I always enjoy his company...no, but 99% of the time I do. It all depends on what you want.