Coming Out!

  • gjoseph

    Posts: 250

    Aug 09, 2009 4:10 AM GMT
    Hey Guys!

    I'm home from my 1st semester of college and have started the coming out process. I just came out to my Aunt on the telephone and she was VERY supportive =) I plan on coming out to my parents eventually (Dad 1st---more liberal, then mom). Was I wrong to do this? Like I'm scared to death of coming out to my Mom since she said she would disown me if she heard it through the "streets". Also, that would mean she would take away my car, and would probably would take away my most prized possessions which would mean I would end up being poor and would have to adjust to a lifestyle that I am not used to. My mom has gay friends I think but whenever were watching tv or she sees one of my gay friends she's like eww she's a lesbian or look at that faggot. I really don't know what to do but all I know is I have 2 weeks until I leave for fall term which means I can act myself again =)
  • SwimNP

    Posts: 50

    Aug 09, 2009 2:32 PM GMT
    Congratz on coming out to your Aunt! I know that took alot of courage. Only you will know when it's time to come out to your parents. I would tell the parent you're closest too first as then you'll have more support on your side.

    As far as the mom goes, those are very harsh things for her to say. I say this because the mom usually knows already. When I came out to my mom it was very anticlimatic, "Mom I'm sure you already know but I'll tell you anyway, I'm gay". That was that haha.

    If you truly feel that she'll cut you off if she's told, look at your options to support yourself (whether that be loans, grants, scholarships, job, etc.). Good luck to you =)
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    Aug 09, 2009 2:45 PM GMT
    People say they will do X when Y happens. Like, "if I get cancer I am just going to shoot myself" or "if I become rich I wont let it change me". But when the hypothetical becomes real they very do the opposite. The person with cancer become a vocal advocate for survivors. The person who becomes rich leaves their blue collar background to drown in expensive drugs and women.

    Your mother has gay friends. It sounds like she just needs to be educated on queer issues. Someone to tell her that it is rude to say eww to a lesbian. But, your father seems supporting, and your mother doesn't have an absolute aversion to queers. It sounds like it is a good time to come out to them.

    Keep us posted.
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Aug 09, 2009 4:00 PM GMT
    What he ^ said.
  • Sirkit

    Posts: 182

    Aug 09, 2009 5:57 PM GMT
    My only concern would be for finances, if you're reliant on your parents for college money then you might want to hold off. During college money can be tight and not having familial support could make it impossible to finish college. If you're not worried about them cutting you off, then go for it. Relationships with married partners aren't one sided, your mom may want to cut you off for a bit but your dad may not. Sounds like your mom will be the type that comes around, eventually. Dan savage actually had a great vid on coming out to people who may react badly (it's clothed in Evangelical Christianity but the basic principles work for any highly conservative group).


  • gjoseph

    Posts: 250

    Aug 09, 2009 7:48 PM GMT
    Ahh thanks you guys!! Just reading this has brought tears to my eyes lol but I am going to do it! I feel better, and stronger to do it than ever before =) just being in college and researching gay issues has made me accept myself for who I am. I didn't choose my orientation just like I didn't choose my eye color. I definitely will update you guys on what's going on but I do plan on doing it before I leave ahh I have 11 days. My mom and I are going on a trip to Mobile, Alabama soon so I guess I might do it while on the road.
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    Aug 09, 2009 9:49 PM GMT
    MunchingZombie has provided the best analysis. She is your mom from the bit you said you guys seem close. Just don't tell her while she is driving on a 3 or four lane highway.

    Good luck and keep us posted.

    Best
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    Aug 09, 2009 10:20 PM GMT
    gjoseph saidHey Guys!

    I'm home from my 1st semester of college and have started the coming out process. I just came out to my Aunt on the telephone and she was VERY supportive =) I plan on coming out to my parents eventually (Dad 1st---more liberal, then mom). Was I wrong to do this? Like I'm scared to death of coming out to my Mom since she said she would disown me if she heard it through the "streets". Also, that would mean she would take away my car, and would probably would take away my most prized possessions which would mean I would end up being poor and would have to adjust to a lifestyle that I am not used to. My mom has gay friends I think but whenever were watching tv or she sees one of my gay friends she's like eww she's a lesbian or look at that faggot. I really don't know what to do but all I know is I have 2 weeks until I leave for fall term which means I can act myself again =)


    Honesty is never wrong. Why the charades? Unless your mom is a total bitch, her attitude will change once she has a gay son.

    You're making way, way, way, way, to big of a deal out of something that's as simple as sexuality.
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    Aug 09, 2009 10:25 PM GMT
    Sirkit saidMy only concern would be for finances, if you're reliant on your parents for college money then you might want to hold off. During college money can be tight and not having familial support could make it impossible to finish college. If you're not worried about them cutting you off, then go for it. Relationships with married partners aren't one sided, your mom may want to cut you off for a bit but your dad may not. Sounds like your mom will be the type that comes around, eventually. Dan savage actually had a great vid on coming out to people who may react badly (it's clothed in Evangelical Christianity but the basic principles work for any highly conservative group).




    This is great stuff. It should be mandatory viewing for those tormented by false belief systems, and the false belief system followers.
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    Aug 09, 2009 10:39 PM GMT
    WWOD?
  • gjoseph

    Posts: 250

    Aug 13, 2009 3:14 AM GMT
    UPDATE!!!!! UPDATE!!!!

    Hey guys! I was about to come-out to my mom until she randomly asks why she didn't meet any of my friends (We went out to a bar last night) and all of a sudden she says "I must have not met them because they must be some Faggots." Like every-time I get ready to tell her she always says something or does something that has me to back down. I think I'm going to go back to school make my mind, become MORE independent, then I will come-out to her. I just wish she wasn't so difficult =(
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    Aug 13, 2009 3:32 AM GMT
    Wow, your mother clearly knows you are gay and she still uses that kind of language. That is your mother and you should respect her. But if it was me and my mother I would have cussed her out a long time ago.
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    Aug 13, 2009 4:01 AM GMT
    That isn't an update, that is more of the same.

    Stop making excuses and just come out. Your mom might get struck by a meteor tomorrow and you will spend the rest of your days regretting lying to her about who you are.
  • gjoseph

    Posts: 250

    Aug 13, 2009 4:18 AM GMT
    Ahh your right.....but why does it have to be so difficult?
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    Aug 13, 2009 8:54 AM GMT
    Some people are just not ever going to "get it." Others will surprise you and react very positively. These are things that can not be controlled. What you can control is whether you are honestly and wholeheartedly pursuing your life and your goals/ aspirations. I know many gay people who have caring support groups and some who don't. Either way the person is happier being out of the closet and truthful to themselves and the people in their lives. Your happiness will not necessarily come from a stream constant positive reactions to your being gay. It will come from the knowledge that you are confidently and honestly expressing your feelings and needs as a human being. The integrity and strength that comes from being forthright and open to yourself and the people in your life is infinitely better than the comfort gained by living a lie. Good luck in this process. It's not always easy, but I don't know anyone that has come out that wishes they were back in the closet.
  • josephmovie

    Posts: 533

    Aug 13, 2009 9:10 AM GMT
    Maybe you need to write her a letter about it. She's clearly looking for a confrontation about it all, so why not just leave the letter with her a couple of days before you go back to college.

    Just remember, the right time to do anything never arrives. Pick a date and do it, come what may. I ummed and ahhed about it for ages and it was the biggest load of nothing I've ever done. I hope you have the same experience as I did.
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    Aug 13, 2009 9:14 AM GMT
    Be true to yourself - that's best and least you can do (well, WE can do).
    Your mum will love you no matter what.
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    Aug 13, 2009 9:35 AM GMT
    I admire your courage... and I am disappointed in your mother's lack of it. I believe that any parent whose love of their child is based on conditions, has committed nothing less than child abuse.

    Be strong and be who you are. If she can't love you for who are, then I question her ability to love. I never read anywhere in the Bible where Jesus didn't love someone for who they were.
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    Aug 13, 2009 11:07 AM GMT
    yoo

    I was all new to this whole gay thing so I started to talk to gay people on this swedish gay site and then after some months I started to talk to this hot lookin guy ( ON THE PIC ) but the thing was that he was 45 years old and creepy...he copied my pictures and said he would put them up on his site and tell everyone I was gay....I come from a huge sport family and well known in sweden so if pictures of me would come out it wouldnt really be to sweet hehe anyway I Felt like shit for a couple of weeks but then one morning I finally knew I had to tell my old folks about what was goin on.

    I went up early this morning for school and I told my mum to sit down and listen to me for a sec...she looked pretty serious so it was kidna hard to say it but then it came out...." uuum I think im bisexual mum " shes like " No shit, you dumped the hottest girl in town " and I smiled and said yeh but now you know. She was super calm about it but I also told her about this pervo so when I told my dad on the phone I really was scared that he would never talk to me again. He picks up the phone and I tell him whats goin on...Dad I think I am bisexual and some pervo copied pictures of me and says hes gonna show them to the newspaper and shit. Dad just said calm and nice " Cmon man I never care what you do, I will always love you!! but this guy needs to get beaten down...you want me to find him and break his knees with our baseball bat. I said " no its ok dad im all good now since you guys know"

    I mean it wouldnt matter now since they already knew so I called this guy up since he tracked my number, name, adress and family and said " You are in deep shit man...try calling one more time and we┬┤ll see what will happen to you bec I searched you up too man and I got alot of things to share with everyone about you too man" then he hung up on me...I changed my number and from that day I was not only more careful but I came out...not in a way I wanted but I did it and that was presumably the best thing to do even though I was forced.

    I dont see how I could come out to my folks in any other way but today im feelin good and I am happy that they know. Now everyone knows!! my best friends are s8 people and I even got muslim friends that accept me which is rarely to find. So so far so good= )

    This coming out story is pretty tragic and not really beautiful but that is how it went down...

    Anton
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    Aug 13, 2009 11:50 AM GMT
    gjoseph saidAhh your right.....but why does it have to be so difficult?


    I understand the difficulty. It isn't easy, even when your mother is opening door so wide a stampede of gay elephants could stampede through. So, here is what you do. Tell a good friend that you are having trouble coming out to your mother. Make a date to tell your mom and bring the friend along to make you accountable. Someone to hit you in the ribs when you haven't told her and try to make your escape.

    It doesn't matter if the friend is male or female, gay or straight. Just as long as they will beat the heck out of you if you don't icon_biggrin.gif
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    Aug 17, 2009 6:01 AM GMT
    I totally understand your situation. I actually came out to my mom first because we have a much closer relationship for no other reason that we live close and see each other on the fairly regular basis. My father lives out of state so much of our relationship is by phone. I wasn't so much worried about coming out to my mom but was REALLY nervous about coming out to my dad. As you say your mom has made comments and things about homosexuals....my dad has made many of the same comments. As is why I was so nervous about coming out to him. Well I finally did and his attitude almost instantly changed from one of unacceptance to one of pure embrace and respect.

    The attitude, from my own experience, changes drastically much of the time when it is your own flesh and blood. It is easy to be a biggot towards a person on the television but when it is your own son.....it becomes a different story. There are always exceptions, however, honestly is always going to put you in a better place.

    and....CONGRATULATIONS!!!! for coming out. CONGRATULATIONS!!!! for being strong and taking your life as your own.
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    Aug 17, 2009 6:20 AM GMT
    Your mom sounds like she knows, but she might be misinformed about being gay. Tell her, if you wait, she'll just keep making those hurtful comments, plus she might hear it from so-and-so that heard it from Janie that heard it from Billy (that;s never good). I'm sure if you tell her, she might take it a bit harsh at first, but she'll soften, and she'll grow to love her gay son. You're HER son, I don't understand why someone would disown their own creation. Trust me dude, she'll take it well, especially if you have your dad there to help you. icon_smile.gif
  • gjoseph

    Posts: 250

    Aug 30, 2009 8:12 PM GMT
    I CAME OUT TODAY =)

    I feel great yet upset at the same time since my dad was very accepting yet emotional (afraid of discrimination etc.). Meanwhile, my mom was somewhat accepting then turned CRAZY! Asked for my friends phone numbers, my LGBT counselor's name, and stated that I am "Crazy and need to see a Psychiatrist." Also, my mom thinks that you are only born gay if you are feminine meanwhile I'm somewhat masculine. It was so rough talking to her she asked about my sexual history and just wanted to hear everything. I'm glad that I have my friends for support and of course you guys!
  • KepaArg

    Posts: 1721

    Aug 30, 2009 8:33 PM GMT
    Congradulations! I'm sure your mom will come around in time. I can't relate personally because I never ''came out''. My family has a whole are very liberal and open minded and welcoming to people being ''different'' whether sexual orientation, religion, race, etc. I grew learning people are people and I thank my family for these values, but I think I had it much easier when I randomly brought my bf home for Christmas Eve dinner because my oldest cousin is gay as well. So it has always been a non issue!


    Anyway, again congrats and best of luck to you!

    Kepa
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    Aug 30, 2009 8:39 PM GMT
    Wow! Congratulations!

    What a huge moment in your life . . . let us know if we can help in any way . . . and, as Dan Rather used to say -- Courage!