Why do all the guys I meet want only to date me?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 10, 2009 1:37 AM GMT
    I am not on the market for a significant other at this point in time but all the guys around me want is to get serious all the time. Why can't they understand I like to casually date and be friends? Are gay men incapable of platonic friendships?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 10, 2009 2:07 AM GMT
    If theirs sexual tension between you, then having a friendship may be difficult although not impossible. You need to clearly explain that you only want friendship, so the possibility of a sexual relationship is off the table.

    Also...define "casual dating".. I know many guys who only causally date when they want action icon_evil.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 10, 2009 2:10 AM GMT
    Dude, they want to date after like one meeting. Too fast for me period. As for casual dating.... I am not against hooking up but I would rather have somebody to go out and do things with. There would be potential there but just enjoying the moment of just hanging out without sex or LTR looming over.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 10, 2009 2:52 AM GMT
    Are you meeting people off the internet? It sounds like it. If so here's my suggestion. Get active in your community if you're not already. Find a sport, find an organization. I've made more gay friends in 2 years actually getting out and being involved in my community than I have in 9 years being on the internet. On the internet people have expectations whether they admit it or not. In a common interest group the focus is whatever the purpose is and there are social benefits that come on the side as well. Think the friends you make at work, school or wherever else. Same general principle, you're there to make money, or get your education, but it also involves interacting with others pursuing the same interest. Not just interacting with people who's sole interest at that particular moment is in dating or sleeping with you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 10, 2009 3:23 AM GMT
    agri_sci saidDude, they want to date after like one meeting. Too fast for me period. As for casual dating.... I am not against hooking up but I would rather have somebody to go out and do things with. There would be potential there but just enjoying the moment of just hanging out without sex or LTR looming over.


    So you want friends that you can occasionally fuck?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 11, 2009 5:40 PM GMT
    Then why did you go out with them on a date in the 1st place?


    And they want to DATE you or simply appeared interested in a second date (and you were not)?
    And finally, did you ask them this question or are you building on the blocks of assumption?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 11, 2009 5:47 PM GMT
    wow, the OP's had the opposite experiences that i have, somehow. or is he being facetious? every single god damned male within 5 years of my age only seems to want empty one night stands and hookups, and even the ones who profess to wanting anything involving emotion and commitment end up not actually having a clue what that means (i think what they REALLY want is a fuck buddy they can watch games with). my curse is feeling like an older man trapped in a 22 year old body, barred from the realm of healthy lasting relationships until my body catches up with me. grrrrr
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 11, 2009 5:48 PM GMT
    "Casual dating" is annoying as "window shopping." Some people don't understand the mentality of investing time and energy into something that isn't going to go anywhere.

    That said, if you want to make friends, then tell people you're out to make friends. If they can't handle that or want more, then you've given them fair warning. End of story.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 11, 2009 5:50 PM GMT
    czarodziej saidwow, the OP's had the opposite experiences that i have, somehow. or is he being facetious? every single god damned male within 5 years of my age only seems to want empty one night stands and hookups, and even the ones who profess to wanting anything involving emotion and commitment end up not actually having a clue what that means (i think what they REALLY want is a fuck buddy they can watch games with). my curse is feeling like an older man trapped in a 22 year old body, barred from the realm of healthy lasting relationships until my body catches up with me. grrrrr


    Amend that statement to say everyone within 20 years of your age. (well, above it, not below.. that'd be gross)
  • rnch

    Posts: 11525

    Aug 11, 2009 5:55 PM GMT
    [quote]...So you want friends that you can occasionally fuck?[/quote]hell, who doesn't! icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 11, 2009 6:05 PM GMT
    czarodziej saidwow, the OP's had the opposite experiences that i have, somehow. or is he being facetious? every single god damned male within 5 years of my age only seems to want empty one night stands and hookups, and even the ones who profess to wanting anything involving emotion and commitment end up not actually having a clue what that means (i think what they REALLY want is a fuck buddy they can watch games with). my curse is feeling like an older man trapped in a 22 year old body, barred from the realm of healthy lasting relationships until my body catches up with me. grrrrr


    that's a big generalizing statement. not all of us are like that.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Aug 11, 2009 6:08 PM GMT
    because casually dating someone and then saying you only want to be friends is like bottoming for a guy for 5 minutes and then getting up and leaving while he is still hard because all you wanted was the start of a fuck and nothing about finishing... you want friends, that's fine. you want to date guys, that's fine. but don't get all butt hurt if a guy doesn't want to be friends with you after you start to date him and then you want out.
  • arielanatole

    Posts: 77

    Aug 11, 2009 6:15 PM GMT
    It's opposite for me. Men have no desire to date me. They just want to have sex anything more than that is asking too much. This is why I prefer to get into relationships with women. I would love to have a man to call my own (lol) but have no desire to be someones fuck buddy.

    Count yourself lucky.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 11, 2009 6:48 PM GMT
    If you do not want a relationship or anything that resembles one than you should not be going out on dates. A date (Casual or not) pretty much says you are interested and testing the waters to see if there is potential for more. You can't act surprised when someone actually likes you enough to want to spend more time with you on a serious level.

    So many guys use casual dating as a term of convenience to avoid making a real connection unless it really suites them. This is partly why so many guys are fucked up when it comes to dating. They get jerked around by guys that are completely unaware of what their actions are saying to the other person. When it happens enough they shut down and become bitter and untrusting.

    Stop going out on "dates" or make it clear you are not on a date and have no intention on dating. If you want friends that will put out, than say that is what you want. Using gray terms like "Casual Dating" will set you up for this headache every time. (Gray meaning everyone defines it slightly differently.) If you just want a friend to hang out with be clear about it.

    Stop and think about what you are saying, doing and how you may come across, it will save you and them the grief of miscommunication. If you communicate your intentions well and they don't get it. Then it's their fault for expecting anything else.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 11, 2009 7:02 PM GMT
    agri_sci saidI am not on the market for a significant other at this point in time but all the guys around me want is to get serious all the time. Why can't they understand I like to casually date and be friends? Are gay men incapable of platonic friendships?


    There are such friends, its actually annoying though people used to assume my roommate and I were dating just because we happened to hang out all the time and always went out together. Also one of my recent best friends and I continually get comments about the fact that we seem like we're together. People just assume that two gay men can't hang out together without sex, or being more than "just" friends which is absolutely not true.

    czarodziej saidwow, the OP's had the opposite experiences that i have, somehow. or is he being facetious? every single god damned male within 5 years of my age only seems to want empty one night stands and hookups, and even the ones who profess to wanting anything involving emotion and commitment end up not actually having a clue what that means (i think what they REALLY want is a fuck buddy they can watch games with). my curse is feeling like an older man trapped in a 22 year old body, barred from the realm of healthy lasting relationships until my body catches up with me. grrrrr


    I feel exactly the same way. I don't understand how everyone can just sleep around or hop on anyone willing. I finally had the glimmer of hope in a relationship but that faded since he's heading back home and was only in town for the summer.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 11, 2009 7:07 PM GMT
    agri_sci saidDude, they want to date after like one meeting.

    Gosh, I wonder why? You're young, good looking, apparently in great shape, though I can't guess how much charm & sex appeal you may exude in person. Can this be a serious question?

    Take it as a compliment, and thank your lucky stars you're being given the choice to pick & choose, the guys coming to you. Pity the poor guy who has no choice, unless he offers it at a steep mark-down, or just gives it away.

    But I also understand you'd prefer finding some low-key gay friendships, so maybe look for stable couples to befriend? And have you considered making some lesbian friends? If friendship and not sex is your goal, why limit yourself to gender? Gays & lesbians can make great friends, and my partner & I have quite a few ourselves.

    Yet I still think there has to be plenty of single gay guys your age out there who don't want to do anything but fuck and/or be friends, not date. If anything, your complaint is an anomaly, since what I find more common here is the lament "How do I get a young guy to date me seriously, and not just wanna trick with me?" Seems you're an exception to the rule.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 11, 2009 7:22 PM GMT
    Good LORD!
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Aug 11, 2009 7:25 PM GMT
    I am one of the guys that want to actually date but 90 percent of the time i usually get the offers to hook up. I rarely date because of this.....the friend that I spend the most time with calls me his asexual friend. When I meet someone I don't want an instant boyfriend or instant relationship....that is still quite a few months away even if it works out. If there is interest on both sides after the first couple of meetings(dates!) then it could be sexual or platonic dating for awhile. If everything goes right the first six months or so it becomes more of a relationship etc.

    Also, most guys that seem interested in me in person are usually in their twenties. I've turned down a lot of great guys that wanted to date me because they are 10+ years younger than me. I think it is Reverse Age Discrimination! lol.....so now I don't say no just because of age. I had one date with a guy a couple of yrs ago that was 25 and at the time the reason why I did not go on a second date was because of his age. He just recently contacted me about six months ago by email and we have gotten to know each other a little better since then as friends. I find him interesting and here it comes....a rarity....sincere. Anyhow, who knows what will happen, but I will not turn him down again because of age.

    Of course all of my friends that are older than me are starting to gossip that I'm just into young guys etc. The last guy I dated was 46 and he kept making statements that seem to say I was vain, or full of myself, because I wanted to look good/decent in a picture, or I wanted/needed to work out on this day, or that I can't eat pasta during the week, or that I'm handling my professional issues incorrectly...I just always felt picked apart. The younger guys I know, even as friends, seem to get it that working out and living healthy is important. I see them at the gym, and i see the older guys at the bar already toasted by the time I get there.

    I know everyone doesn't fit into this scenario, but from healthier older guys, are your friends your age more into drinking and smoking than staying healthy?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 11, 2009 7:33 PM GMT
    "casually date" and "be friends" aren't the same. friends don't date or have sex with each other, so unless you're clear from the beginning, you'll get yourself into drama
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 11, 2009 7:38 PM GMT
    These forums are going to shit. We get the daily "OMG why do guys only want to fuck, does monogamy exist?" posts. Now this?

    If you want casual go to craigslist, manhunt, etc... and look there otherwise you are complaining for no reason.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 11, 2009 8:02 PM GMT
    Pinny saidThese forums are going to shit. We get the daily "OMG why do guys only want to fuck, does monogamy exist?" posts. Now this?

    If you want casual go to craigslist, manhunt, etc... and look there otherwise you are complaining for no reason.





    icon_eek.gif









    yeah! what he said...
  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2382

    Aug 11, 2009 8:09 PM GMT
    People are soo nice they end up being mean!??!

    Many guys I have talked to can't say no and they lead me on even though they have no real interest. They don't want to hurt my feelings. I hate that, it's fake. A lot of people in general are sort of like that. Learn to say NO to people. When you meet someone I believe you should and really should be REQUIRED to tell the person what your intentions are and what you want. I always get that after the first few dates when I think things are going well, then someone says, "ohh, I am just looking for sex." Don't start something if it's just going to hurt someone. What a waste of time some people are icon_mad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 11, 2009 8:18 PM GMT
    Jmuscle33 saidPeople are soo nice they end up being mean!??!

    Many guys I have talked to can't say no and they lead me on even though they have no real interest. They don't want to hurt my feelings. I hate that, it's fake. A lot of people in general are sort of like that. Learn to say NO to people. When you meet someone I believe you should and really should be REQUIRED to tell the person what your intentions are and what you want. I always get that after the first few dates when I think things are going well, then someone says, "ohh, I am just looking for sex." Don't start something if it's just going to hurt someone. What a waste of time some people are icon_mad.gif


    That's one way of looking at, but conveniently it also makes it all their fault. Maybe after going out a few times they find that the 'spark' isn't there for a more serious relationship. That isn't anyone's fault, it just is what it is - it's very possible to be attracted to someone physically and have no interest in them romanticaly.. happens all the time. But if it's happening to you repeatedly, you're the only common denominator, so instead of blaming them outright, ask yourself what you might/could/should do differently to yield a different result.

    Not saying that some guys aren't douches and go on the FIRST date knowing full well that they aren't wanting anything serious, but saying after a few dates that they're just looking for sex sounds like a passive way of saying 'I'd fuck you but I don't wanna date you.'
  • DanielQQ

    Posts: 365

    Aug 11, 2009 8:48 PM GMT
    agri_sci saidI am not on the market for a significant other at this point in time but all the guys around me want is to get serious all the time. Why can't they understand I like to casually date and be friends? Are gay men incapable of platonic friendships?


    Of course not, but people in general are drawn to what they can't have. You sound like you enjoy living in the moment, taking pleasures in the "now." You may tell people from the beginning that you don't want something more than platonic, but you'll flirt now and then, maybe even hook up, because, well, it's not like you didn't warn them beforehand about where you stood, right? It's their responsibility to take care of themselves, and to not get too attached to you. You've made your intentions clear from the beginning, even if you DO confuse them by behaving in a way that blurs the line.

    Except most people don't work that way. They will ignore what you have to say about wanting only casual dating and platonic relationships, and instead focus on how you treat them. They will think that you are treating them in a special way and that maybe you will change your mind, that maybe THEY can change your mind. So now it becomes a matter of validating their own self-worth because if they can't change your mind, somehow they've failed and they're not deserving of love.

    If you had told them from the start that you were looking for a husband and THEN flirt with them, you'd probably find that the same people would act indifferently towards you.

    Just my opinion icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 11, 2009 10:18 PM GMT
    Runninchlt saidAre you meeting people off the internet? It sounds like it. If so here's my suggestion. Get active in your community if you're not already. Find a sport, find an organization. I've made more gay friends in 2 years actually getting out and being involved in my community than I have in 9 years being on the internet. On the internet people have expectations whether they admit it or not. In a common interest group the focus is whatever the purpose is and there are social benefits that come on the side as well. Think the friends you make at work, school or wherever else. Same general principle, you're there to make money, or get your education, but it also involves interacting with others pursuing the same interest. Not just interacting with people who's sole interest at that particular moment is in dating or sleeping with you.


    Not just the internet (in fact most aren't)...I don't do gay lib stuff because gay isnt a political issue for me. As for any other interests, I cannot find gay men that are doing what I do for the most part. For the most part, this is a city of Queens and Flames.