cant come during sex - HELP!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 10, 2009 4:36 PM GMT
    no sure if you guys can relate, but hopefully you can..
    im straight and have been going out with a great looking latvian girl whos incredibly hot.
    we do alot of stuff together like, go to the gym together, running, cooking, baking cakes, waching movies etc she is really good company..

    she has got a really toned body which i dont mind, personally i would prefer if she had bigger boobs but thats life.

    the sex, well, i some times just don feel anything, i can be pumping away for hours and dont seem to be able to orgasm.

    i can give her oral sex and make her orgasm heaps of times, but i cant come unless i wank next to her while i kiss or suck her tits..

    its really getting us both down.. she feels inadequate that she cant make me come and everytime we have sex, i do my own head in half way and stress myself out with thoughts abou how i cant come. ARGHHHH.

    i used to masturbate between 3 - 7 times a day so i think many years of this has made my dick not as sensitive...

    the way i would describe it is if you were a builder and your hands become rough over time.. so well, my cock is less sensitive in this respect..

    head jobs dont do shit for me because of this..

    just wondering if anyone can offer some helpful advice.
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    Aug 10, 2009 5:24 PM GMT
    The usual disclaimer... I am not a doctor, etc. etc. etc.

    I think there's a good chance that this is mostly a mental thing, and you would get some benefit out of seeing a sex therapist.

    Why do I say that? Well, first, you mention that you stress yourself out worrying about the problem, which makes it worse.

    Secondly, I don't believe masturbation would cause desensitization unless you actually damaged the skin/nerves of the penis extensively. For example, if you did a lot of dry, rough masturbation and caused lots of tears in the skin that had to heal. I suspect that -- if you did do that much dry, rough masturbation -- you would have visible damage to the penis. (which I assume you don't, since you didn't mention it.)

    The brain really is the largest sex organ.
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    Aug 10, 2009 7:03 PM GMT
    Two questions:

    Are you sure your into girls or are you pursuing girls because that is what is expected of you? Be truthful.

    Are you on any meds which will cause ejaculation disorder?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 10, 2009 7:48 PM GMT
    How long have you been sexually active?

    I started jerking off nearly a decade before I first started having sex. That is a decade of training my dick to respond to a specific sensation. There is no pussy in the world as tight as your fist or as callused as your palms. Slip a condom on and replace your hand with a pussy and all the sudden it is like fucking a tub of mayo, it just doesn't get the job done.

    When you jerk off, loosen your grip and use lots of lube. It will be harder to finish, but slowly you will be able to retrain your dick.

    That said, there could be a thousand reasons why you are having trouble. From the condom you are using, the the foreplay you engage in, to the many, many psychological possibilities.

    Best of luck.
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    Aug 10, 2009 8:20 PM GMT
    Agree with the comment that your problem may be mental. Additionally, frequent masturabation may be the root of your problem. Try abstaining from jerking off for a good 3 days to a week before trying sex again. That should help by enhancing your sensitivity. If this fail, try abstaining for another 3 days to a week only that this time around take a single glass of wine prior to sex to help you relax. Don't let that become habit forming. It's only to get you started to enjoying and appreciating your woman. While your are going at it, just relax. Stop thinking too hard about busting a nut. Take your time, enjoy the view, and it will happen.

    By the way, if you have had sex with a man before or is having sex with one, then that can also affect your performance in bed as there is a difference in the feel of the anatomy. You have to be able to think differenty under those circumstances while in the act. If all else fails, perhaps a woman is not what really turns you on.

    Best wishes, and bust that nut!

  • Aug 11, 2009 10:10 PM GMT
    [quote]the way i would describe it is if you were a builder and your hands become rough over time.. so well, my cock is less sensitive in this respect.[/quote]

    Have you tried masturbating with Gold Bond moisturizing cream?
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    Aug 11, 2009 10:19 PM GMT
    SWL2 saidBy goodness... Neither can I after having cancer removed like Gods little attempt to let all the guys work up that big load off eachother for their little rondevue their about to have with all the single women out there I could give a shit about. Welcome to your spiritual awakening.


    Huh? A little help, Robert Langdon?

  • Aug 11, 2009 10:20 PM GMT
    I think he's saying the dude is on the verge of realizing he is gay.
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    Aug 11, 2009 10:36 PM GMT
    I had some problems similar to this when I first came out. I couldn't come period with anybody else. I just had too many inhibitions. After I got over that I still had trouble coming without using my hand. That went away as well.

    I would go cold turkey on masturbation even while having sex with her. Tell your girlfriend you will be doing this and that you may seem a bit friskier than usual. Next try to have some sexual sessions where it is just about her orgasm and not yours. It seems most women would love to assume that role. This will take all the pressure off you to cum. Don't allow yourself to finish off your load with your hand. She's allowed to give you oral or a hand job but not you. In fact try to stay away from using your hand on yourself at all times while with her. This will teach you to relinquish the control your hand has over your sex life. Good luck.
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    Aug 12, 2009 5:44 AM GMT

    To the OP:

    I sympathize with your problem and do hope you can find a resolution to help you out...

    Now, I feel compelled to ask you: why did you come to a GAY Fitness, Health & Life website occupied by guys who desire sex with another guy for help with your heterosexual problem?

    I don't understand that.

    Anyway, good luck to you.
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    Aug 12, 2009 9:40 AM GMT
    i agree with the idea:
    no masturbation for some days and then try to have sex again.
    if you still can't come then you should really ask yourself if you are into girls...
    maybe its hard for you to find out.
    you could arrange a threesome with another man and a girl and then just see what you enjoy more...
    as someone said before the brain is the largest sex organ! so true!!!

    good luck!
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    Aug 12, 2009 2:07 PM GMT
    johnch98 saidi agree with the idea:
    no masturbation for some days and then try to have sex again.
    if you still can't come then you should really ask yourself if you are into girls...
    maybe its hard for you to find out.
    you could arrange a threesome with another man and a girl and then just see what you enjoy more...
    as someone said before the brain is the largest sex organ! so true!!!

    good luck!


    No, refraining from masturbation wont work.

    That will make you extra horny, for sure. If you bottle it up enough you might get a hair trigger response and happen to orgasm. But that wont solve the problem. Sure, orgasm with genital sex is a one time victory, great. But is several days of abstinence in order to achieve some arbitrary goal really worth it?

    The OP hasn't responded to any questions or suggestions in this thread, so it is tough to know. But I am willing to bet there is some psychological problem that is keeping him from blowing his load.
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    Aug 13, 2009 12:43 PM GMT
    I can completely relate to your problem and the distress that it can cause with your sexual partner.

    I think it's a combination of both mental and real physical things. Physical because you probably have a longer time to ejaculate, and mental because you are aware of this and it only makes it that much harder. When I was younger I could practically come without even touching myself, but the older I get the longer it takes me to come.

    Are you circumcised? I am and I have been told that in a lot of cases circumcised guys are just plain less sensitive. I can very rarely get off on just head. And usually with penetration my partner needs to have great stamina and patience because I can get there, but it takes forever.

    Think about the flip side though... you definitely DON'T have a problem with premature ejaculation. I find plenty of partners who are grateful that I don't blow my load after just a minute or two.

    Here is how I handle it. Explain to your partner that it takes you a long time to orgasm and sometimes or most of the time it takes your own manual stimulation to bring it home. But sex certainly isn't all about just the orgasm. Just because you don't orgasm doesn't mean you're not enjoying yourself! Explain that to her.

    Our bodies are very sensitive to imbalances in nutrients, drugs, stress, sleep, etc. Don't get hung up on coming while penetrating... there is way more to sex than just vanilla intercourse.

    Have you considered stimulating your prostate? She can do it, you can get a toy or device. I am mostly a top but I can tell you ALL guys can enjoy having their prostate worked and it will definitely make you more likely to orgasm and more intensely too!
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    Aug 13, 2009 2:11 PM GMT
    southbeach1500 said
    wildepete saidAre you circumcised? I am and I have been told that in a lot of cases circumcised guys are just plain less sensitive. I can very rarely get off on just head. And usually with penetration my partner needs to have great stamina and patience because I can get there, but it takes forever.


    It's probably due to being circumcised. Most meds that affect sexual performance do not effect sensitivity - they affect the ability to get or maintain an erection, or they delay ejaculation.

    What you need to do is stop the decline in sensitivity that you are experiencing. It will just get worse as time goes on.

    The only way to do that is to restore your foreskin (well, basically, you would be restoring coverage of the head of your cock).

    Go here and read this with an open mind:

    www.norm.org


    No, it isn't. I challenged you the last time you posted this shit to find published research in a peer reviewed medical journal that shows circumcision does this and you did not respond.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 13, 2009 5:36 PM GMT
    No, you are full of shit.

    None of those studies actually discuss any sexual pathology, with the exception of the final article which isn't a study, but a review and a shitty one at that because it is chock full of values statements about "normal sexual function".

    So, none of the articles you posted are even remotely related to the OP and the statements you made.
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    Aug 13, 2009 5:50 PM GMT
    Assuming you are not on any medications that have delayed ejaculation as a side-effect, the two most common reasons in my experience are psychological (e.g. performance anxiety with another person, and/or focusing on the problem too much) and physical (enlarged prostate).

    I would strongly recommend seeing a doctor if the problem persists. You are 28, your dick should be like a geyser!
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    Aug 13, 2009 10:14 PM GMT
    Because you and I have a relationship baby, and I am not the cheating kind.

    I actually missed that someone else brought it up, my bad. There is plenty of research on this topic that says that it is inconclusive. There are a variety of circumcision techniques, which might muddy the outcomes.

    An examination by a doctor was recommended and any disfunction related to circumcision or other cause would be noticed.
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    Aug 14, 2009 6:53 AM GMT
    Hmmm.

    I been with a woman. I know sometimes you just need to relax. Most of the issue is mind. There may be another and her vagina might not be tight enough. As odd as it may sound, this will not get you off. A tight pussy will. There are things she can do to help like tighten up when you have sex or they can even surgicically do it. This procedure is not that uncommon with older couples. I know when I was with my girl she was loose and well I could fuck her for hours and not cum. In fact when I did...I was always left wanting more.................LOL TIGHT ASS anyone?? Hot mouth?

    Seriously I would see how tight she can get for your cock.
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    Aug 14, 2009 8:38 AM GMT
    maybe she got around a lot, and there just wasn't enough friction going on. Ever heard the saying, "Its like throwing a hot dog down a hallway"? try a guy's ass next time, much tighter. good luck.
  • UncleverName

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    Sep 02, 2009 5:28 AM GMT
    Am I the only one on this site that reads Savage Love?
    http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove.

    He basically always says that if you've masturbated a lot, odds are that you've desensitized your dick, and trained it to respond to your hand. As pointed out by Munching Zombie. Dan Savage generally calls sex therapists, and has heard this from lots of guys.

    He suggests masturbating with your left hand (if you're right handed and jerk with your right), and trying to get off without using a death grip. He says this is extremely common.

    The other thing he suggests is explaining to your partner that that's just how you are, and that it doesn't reflect on them in any way. Just because you don't get off during intercourse doesn't mean the sex was a failure in any way.
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    Sep 02, 2009 5:44 AM GMT
    I recommend trying more positions - spoon and enter her from behind laying down might due to the trick - worth a shot and in your case, hopefully a load.
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    Oct 25, 2009 4:21 PM GMT
    this happens to me also...its because you jerk off too much and either rely on porn to come. It is all psychological. The brain matches porn to ejaculations in instead of your lady friend...well at least that is what i think it is. lol
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 25, 2009 4:33 PM GMT
    well pfffffft. He hasn't come back here since his Aug 10th post - it's now near the end of October.


    ....obviously this isn't as important to him (or you guys' opinions here) as we might think.




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    Nov 09, 2009 3:03 PM GMT
    sorry for the late reply..
    i stopped coming on here not because of anything bad, but my gym routine lacks disipline and when im not training i see no point in being active and looking in fitness forums.

    i kinda forgot i posted this topic..

    i have since broken up with my girl friend because that problem just got to be more than i can handle and well it was like that for both of us..

    there was a bit of psychological thing attached to it as i would psych myself out of coming for her..

    we broke up because of this, but the worst of it was that she came out of it with the attitude that i broke up with her because her was too loose.
    not a good for feeling for a girl to go through, so naturally she doesnt really wanna talk to me or be friend and this really saddens me..

    on a good note, ive been having sex again with other girls and coming is not a problem what so ever, so it could have been psychological or diet related or it could have been that me and her just werent sexually adaptable..

    its something im not sure about still, but it seems to have been fixed for now.

    back to training hard though as summer approaches..
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    Nov 09, 2009 3:11 PM GMT

    well surfsunbeach, glad to hear things are happening again for you!

    ....perhaps you can at one point be just friends with the Latvian girl. For now some distance might be a good thing.

    Thanks for coming back to the topic, lol.