Learning to be single again...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 04, 2007 4:43 AM GMT
    I was just away at a gay men's retreat center, and through my interactions with the guys there, I came to realize that I am still pretty clueless as to how to be single. I'm giving off signals that I don't intend, and don't know how to let others know when I am interested. Feeling kind of clueless here.

    Anyone else every have this situation, and suggestions?

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    Dec 04, 2007 4:55 AM GMT
    Well I don't have any experience in that situation, but I would just tell them I am interested. I would rather have a guy come up to me and say "hey lets go and talk." I know lame line, but I cant think of one right now. There are too many games people play. They play hard to get, cocky, just friendly, really annoying, etc. I wish people could just say whats on their mind. I guess they are too apprehensive about being put down.

    You could always give a wink to the ones you are interested in and don't make eye contact with the others. LOL
  • liftordie

    Posts: 823

    Dec 04, 2007 5:27 AM GMT
    subtlety is a complete waste of time. the way i look it is someone always has to make the first move and i make sure it is usually me. if they respond great and if they dont.....NEXTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT my advice is always say what u mean and mean what u say. one of the biggest traits i look for in men. and in all honesty one of the fewest i ever find!!!!
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    Dec 04, 2007 6:02 AM GMT
    matt45710, you're not alone. Trust me. I've been out of the game for so long that I often feel like a complete bone head. Like tonight at the gym when I got tongue tied with someone I find particularly attractive. Ended up making inane conversation before shuffling away. Ugh. If he had any interest in me before, I'm sure I shot and killed it dead.
  • liftordie

    Posts: 823

    Dec 04, 2007 6:07 AM GMT
    well deep did he roll his eyes and make his way towards the door??? if not. talk to him again!!!
  • mv03

    Posts: 201

    Dec 04, 2007 6:35 AM GMT
    I have that problem too. People tell me that I come off as kind of a prickicon_eek.gif. They tell me I'm not, but I just have that look about me. I try my best to smile more, and seem inviting, but I feel like that makes me look like 'that really creepy guy'. You know, the one that drives around in a van with a poster board in the window that says 'free candy'. My advice is to try and genuinely smile, start conversation, and don't go out with your friends all the time. If you go out alone, you are easier to approach.
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    Dec 04, 2007 6:41 AM GMT
    You're right, liftordie. No eye rolling that I could see. Funny what a good looking guy can do.
  • liftordie

    Posts: 823

    Dec 04, 2007 6:41 AM GMT
    i always get from guys that i am 'intimidating' which i dont really get at all. especially when i am outnabout with my friends. i laugh the loudest and i hug and kiss on my friends and i could care less if someone does not like it or not. then a guy the next day will see me online and say they were gonna come up to me but i seemed intimidating! lol
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 04, 2007 6:51 AM GMT

    I've been single for a little over a year now.

    I only become overtly flirtatious when tipsy, but I manage to moderate myself... unless the flirtee doesn't mind an excess of touchy feely. Something around these lines tends to float in my mind: "I touch you... You like? I touch you again! I kiss!"

    ... But in most situations, I think being alone is my standard mode, and I'm often thought to be that asexual friendly guy who doesn't speak much. To quell disappointment I assume the hot-guy-passerby is either straight or uninterested.

    Perhaps being single is an unwanted talent.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 04, 2007 7:02 AM GMT
    Intimidating?! Hell, you're just out having a good time! Fortunately, my twisted tongue syndrome doesn't happen often. Unfortunately, it seems to happen only when it matters that I don't come off as a dolt.
    FrustratedMan_200x227.gif
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    Dec 04, 2007 7:48 AM GMT
    liftordie - I get that all the time... have for all my life.

    I once went to a Ren Faire directly from an IBM conference wearing my best HSM suit. As soon as I got there I barely stepped out of the car - hadn't changed yet - a buddy walked up and said "Dude, your scaring the women and children"icon_lol.gif. So I put on a gambesson and chainmail, some leather trews, strapped on my sword, pulled on a pair of gauntlets, and my buddy comes back, takes one look and says: "Dude, now you're scarring everyone else"icon_rolleyes.gif

    Ok - So maybe you have to be in the SCA and been there...

    The point is that there is no happy medium, people deal not with you - but with their perception of you...

    Sometimes its more about them and their own insecurities than it is about what you look like or how you act.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 04, 2007 8:04 AM GMT
    Let's see, I fall for the straight guys and the closet cases that are too uncomfortable in their own skin to do anything with me.

    I don't know how "to be single" either:
    1. It comes off that I flirt with everyone. (I have no clue I do most of the time.)
    2. When I am flirted with, I am the most OBLIVIOUS person and I think I shoot down the person and sound SO uninterested. Only after the conversation is over and we have parted ways for whatever reason, do I realize and do the slapping of the forehead.
    3. A few people have told me that I come off as "I am so much better than you." Seriously? I have self worth issues every once in a while. I am an actor . . . the opposite of people, I function differently. I am my own person and will do what I want to do and that might mean that I do something other than the social norm. And for some people I am so much better than them, they just need to get over it and move on. ;)
    4. I want to be not single too much that I think the world has said, "Nathan, you are single and you will be single."

    I swear, I will be that single man that lives with 12 cats. Kids will run in fear past my house when I am an old queen. ;)

    Is it too much to ask for that one guy to spend the rest of my life with?

    (Wow, did that just become a rambling on vent session?)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 04, 2007 8:41 AM GMT
    Nathan... you sound so like me when I was younger! Look... don't be so hard on yourself, ok? It'll happen when you least expect it... icon_wink.gif

    When my lover died 11 years ago, I went through the whole "how do I be single" thing. It was pretty scary at first, because I'd been partnered for so long and everything was so different than I remembered it. My answer, and its not necessarily the right one, was to just throw myself into my work and take some time to find me again. I never planned for it to take all this time. I've had people tell me I was intimidating... and I really don't see that... and I've had people tell me I didn't look gay enough (WTF?)... and all kinds of crap.

    Be yourself, don't try too hard (it makes you seem desperate), and when its supposed to happen, it will happen... at least, it did for me and somehow that 11 years seems like it flew by...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 04, 2007 12:30 PM GMT
    I'm now nine months out of a long, really bad relationship. I mean, at the end, it turned psycho bad. And while I like socializing (friends, new people, etc) as much as ever, the thought of going on a date makes me almost physically sick.

    I hope this is something I will get over? Because I really do want to be with someone again one day.
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    Dec 04, 2007 3:02 PM GMT
    Thanks for the comments guys. I seem to be like TiggerHeight in that I'm completely oblivious when someone is flirting with me, and after a conversation I come off as putting someone down, and yet I'm the really friendly one that's everyone's best friend and thirsty ear, but not one that you'd want to bed. I think I honed that for so many years as being in the closet ("Don't come close, I'm not into guys"), and then in a relationship ("Don't come close, I'm not available.") that I don't know how to turn it off.

    To get to Liftordie's comment, I do smile and talk and am pretty personable, but it just seems to come off wrong. I guess I have to go out there and make more mistakes?
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    Dec 05, 2007 5:37 PM GMT
    NativeDude, you don't look gay enough? Well honey, you are not following the dress code of our people. Chello, purses, skin tight pants (where you can't breathe), tighter than skin shirts (that you have to have sewn on to your body and then surgically removed), and have the hair that has a ton of product in it but still flows like it is digitally enhanced. Duh! ;)
    I swear, the next time someone tells you that, just tell them your party dress is at the cleaners.

    Something I should mention though is . . . you're 45? Nuh uh. You could get away with Any of the 30's.

    And Matt, I think we should just start/join a singles' awareness group.
    "Today, we are going to learn 'How to tell if a guy is flirting with you.' Take notes cause this is pass or fail."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 06, 2007 5:02 PM GMT
    ITjock: You are freakin' awesome!
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    Dec 06, 2007 5:25 PM GMT
    I never got it down when I was younger. Now that I'm older, I still don't get it. One thing occurs to me, and that is that when people say what they want, they state a situation that is never as they see it in their head.

    It's the "Tootsie" situation where Dustin Hoffman goes up to Jessica Lange (after she says I'd like a guy who would...) and approaches her exactly as she describes and then throws her drink in his face.

    This is the reality. It's impossible to figure how someone is going to translate your actions into thier reality. It will always be a guessing game.

    As a comedienne friend of mine, upon being told she was 5 minutes late would respond "So your saying I'm fat?!."

    I wouldn't even start to talk to someone younger than 40 since, even though it may be simply to make a friendly comment with no further intention, for I would get a response of "Creepy old guy" rather than something more civil. If they started the conversation first, then that would be different since I will respond in kind. I guess I've no time to have 'attitude.'

    I guess the biggest problem to me is that although I'm friendly to anyone I don't know, I'm shy and I can't read minds.

    Remember: Nothing is so simple that it can't be misunderstood.
  • Alan95823

    Posts: 306

    Dec 06, 2007 5:34 PM GMT
    Single for 7 years, celibate for 5. Right now, between work & school, I'm so busy I don't have time for a social life. But before school, I just wasn't going out and meeting people. So I'm not just single, I'm a hermit. I feel like I have to come out all over again.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 23, 2008 1:49 AM GMT
    I have been in a relationship for 9 years that is starting to fizzle out. I am extremely scared of hitting the dating scene again. Since our relationship started, internet dating has emerged and I have been unimpressed with the gay scene when I have been out. I can totally feel where you are coming from, clueless.


  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jan 23, 2008 11:25 AM GMT
    There ain't no flying instructions...
    Just be who you are
    and put yourself out there and the boys will find you
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 23, 2008 2:24 PM GMT
    The consolation is that almost no one else knows what they're doing either. I'm really dumbfounded by a lot of things guys do that utterly kill my interest in them... And of course I'm sure I do things that don't help my situation.

    But with some guys i wonder-- is he really as uninterested as he's acting or is he just terrible at flirting? I always assume he's uninterested but the other possibility certainly exists.

    Some guys are naturally good at it. But for the rest of us there's just trial and error.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 23, 2008 3:38 PM GMT
    The best way to interact with people is to be a good listener.