Problems telling mom...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 11, 2009 8:07 PM GMT
    Okay so everyone basically now knows I am gay (both sisters, brothers-in-law, friends, co-workers, etc.) I used to not admit it and hide from the questions, basically I wanted to wait until I was out of college. Anyway a couple of months ago my mom asked me (at restaurant when she was visiting me) if I was an item with my roommate yet (who has been my best friend for years and she knows he's gay.) Of course my mouth dropped in shock, I told her of course not, he has a boyfriend. So from there it was kind of dropped. Then when I was home, we went to dinner just my mother and I, on the way home after she brought the subject back up and asked if I was gay or not, "its okay and its a black and white issue, you either are or not I just want to know." which I replied that I was not having this conversation in the car nor was that an appropriate question. Well this past weekend I had people up at my family's lake house, so of course last night I talked to my mom about the entire weekend and how it went. Of course some of my friends that went along were gay which then brought up the entire gay topic. She goes "so are you moving on from girls then to just guys or what's going on? I just want to know so I don't keep putting my foot in my mouth about this topic." To which I laughed and couldn't answer without asking her what that had to do with anything... I can't figure out why but I can't just tell her that I am gay. She has made it relatively easy I guess but I find it awkward. Anyone else had their parent blatantly ask and you can't answer the question ?
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    Aug 11, 2009 8:38 PM GMT
    Told my best mate, my brother, my dad and then my mom. I found it wierdest to tell my mom since that's a part of my life I never really told her about. It's easiest to talk about stuff with my brother or my dad.

    I would tell her. It doesn't have to be directly at first but you'll probably find it easier in time.

  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Aug 11, 2009 8:56 PM GMT
    If you can't do it in person, send her an e-mail. She knows and accepts, there's not to be scared of.
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    Aug 11, 2009 9:01 PM GMT
    It's never easy to have this talk with parents, I only recently told my Mom and haven't had "the talk" with my Dad, but at least she sounds receptive to the idea. I think she wants to know what's going on and be a part of your life. I think sometimes you just want to hide parts of your life but you'll feel much better once you just get on with it and have a talk with her. It will only help your relationship with her and make her feel like you trust her.
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    Aug 11, 2009 9:02 PM GMT
    Damn, she already knows and is trying to move on as a part of your life. Tell her already. Give her the final confirmation she is desparately seeking. It does not seem she has a problem with it; sounds like she just wants to know you are happy.
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    Aug 11, 2009 9:05 PM GMT
    yeah it kinda sounds like you're having more of a problem with this than she is. my advice: it's like ripping off a bandaid. do it fast and get it over with. you know she's not gonna freak out, so the hard part is just doing it. it doesnt matter if you're in a car, a restaurant, or wherever, just do it. you'll feel MUCH better after. good luck.icon_cool.gif
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    Aug 11, 2009 9:06 PM GMT
    great idea Timberoo, send her an email or something, and in it you can tell her that it's an extremely tough issue, even with the most open minded parent. I had the same issue with my mom, though it was more of me trying to tell her and I just couldn't (and she's really open minded about that, she just didnt think I was). I'm pretty sure she'll understand. and you're lucky, since other people don't have accepting parents.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Aug 11, 2009 9:12 PM GMT
    It is scary to tell parents. In my case, they were among the very first I came out to. I'm not sure that was the wisest course, but no regrets.

    And in your case, you really have no reason. It sounds like your mother is comfortable enough to ask you about it. Most parents are too afraid to ask, in fear of the answer. It doesn't sound like your mother lives in that fear. Maybe you're waiting for her to say, "Son, I accept you no matter what." Well, she isn't laying out the red carpet for you, but sounds like she's meeting you half way. That doesn't guarantee a 100% perfect response from your mother, but I'm predicting things will be okay.

    Maybe you're afraid of disappointing her. But put yourself in her shoes. She believes you're gay. She is just waiting to hear you say it. She keeps waiting and waiting. The suspense must be killing her. Come out already. A huge weight will lift from your shoulders either way.
  • ajw18

    Posts: 141

    Aug 11, 2009 9:13 PM GMT
    I have the same problem with my older sister. She keeps bringing up the gay subject and I keep shutting down when she inches towards the subject of my sexuality.

    I think it is because we don't necessarily want to see how our loved ones will react in person. I mean, I came out to my brother over the phone and he literally cried for an hour. Then there are the hard questions about your past history and inner struggles.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Aug 11, 2009 9:19 PM GMT
    Actually, perfect solution: go over to your mother's house and open this forum post on her computer, then walk away.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 11, 2009 9:25 PM GMT
    Dude, you have what sounds to be a fucking AWESOME mom. She's not only implying but DIRECTLY telling you that it's ok and that she is OK with it.

    Tell her. Call her right now. Do it. And thank her for being so supportive and not one of those parents who throws her kid out on the street or never speaks to them again. You drew a lucky hand, don't blow it off!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 11, 2009 9:29 PM GMT
    Just tell her. She'll be fine with it. If she wasn't she wouldn't be asking you so directly. She's even thought about what sort of boyfriend you could be dating - your room-mate. Go for it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 11, 2009 9:33 PM GMT
    I know how hard it can be to come out. You need to just bite the bullet and do it. Your mother is trying to make it as easy as possible.She sounds like a great mum.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Aug 11, 2009 10:17 PM GMT
    Dude, she knows you're gay. No mom asks if you're dating your gay roommate if they suspect you're straight. She seems totally accepting, otherwise she wouldn't have brought it up. Just tell her. Avoiding the question is just further that perspective.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Aug 11, 2009 10:43 PM GMT
    She knows your gay and has for a long time. She deserves for you to be honest. Its not going to make a speck of difference in her eyes. The only one not being candid.. is you.

    Tell her and soon.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 11, 2009 10:54 PM GMT
    Wow. Considering how difficult and dangerous this topic is for some your attitude screams...Spoiled Brat.
  • styrgan

    Posts: 2017

    Aug 11, 2009 10:57 PM GMT
    Timberoo saidIf you can't do it in person, send her an e-mail. She knows and accepts, there's not to be scared of.


    I find email to be super impersonal. A hand-written note would be a nice touch.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 11, 2009 11:45 PM GMT
    EricLA saidActually, perfect solution: go over to your mother's house and open this forum post on her computer, then walk away.


    LOL oh that would open a whole new window of questions thats for sure.

    Alpha13 saidWow. Considering how difficult and dangerous this topic is for some your attitude screams...Spoiled Brat.


    Ouch... a bit harsh. It's not like I don't want to tell her I just didn't expect her to be the one to ask.


    I guess I don't know what my problem is. I have been fortunate enough to have an easy coming out process that's for sure. I guess my relationship is perfect with my mother the way it is and I don't want ANYTHING to ruin it. Something about me being gay changes that in my mind about the way things would be in the future. I don't know it shouldn't be hard since she has brought it up but when she brings it up I freeze, I don't know what to say.
  • outdoorjunkie

    Posts: 118

    Aug 11, 2009 11:52 PM GMT
    Yeah, spoiled brat is really harsh, but I will say you're extremely lucky to have such a mom. I was convinced my parents would totally disown me. I took a deep breath, plunged into the frigid unknown and guess what? We now have a great relationship and they love my partner.

    You've already got the supportive mother down. If she's asking you to get you to tell her (not asking and then telling you you're going to hell), it's because she knows and wants to support you.

    You've got it really good, man. Take advantage of it! Just take a deep breath and dive in. The water is great.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Aug 11, 2009 11:52 PM GMT
    Yeah, I would ignore the harsh response. The majority here obviously don't share his opinion.

    It makes sense not to want to change the relationship on your end, but meanwhile you're hiding an important part of yourself from her. She's already on the other side waiting for you.

    Let me put it to you this way. At some point your mother will know for sure. You can't keep putting this off forever. But the fact of the matter is she already knows. She already lives in that place. You're the one living in the past.

    You are experiencing the fear of the unknown, the fear of change. But she's making this as easy as possible for you to come out. Put away your fears. Imagine what your relationship will be like when this cloud of doubt and your dodging is behind you. I think it really allows you to be closer to your mother if you want that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 12, 2009 12:00 AM GMT
    ej60614 said
    I guess I don't know what my problem is. I have been fortunate enough to have an easy coming out process that's for sure. I guess my relationship is perfect with my mother the way it is and I don't want ANYTHING to ruin it. Something about me being gay changes that in my mind about the way things would be in the future. I don't know it shouldn't be hard since she has brought it up but when she brings it up I freeze, I don't know what to say.


    ^ This is what you should tell her and if that is to difficult, send it to her in an email. Don't over-think it. Everything will be fine.
  • Danskerb

    Posts: 286

    Aug 12, 2009 12:05 AM GMT
    ej60614 saidOkay so everyone basically now knows I am gay (both sisters, brothers-in-law, friends, co-workers, etc.) I used to not admit it and hide from the questions, basically I wanted to wait until I was out of college. Anyway a couple of months ago my mom asked me (at restaurant when she was visiting me) if I was an item with my roommate yet (who has been my best friend for years and she knows he's gay.) Of course my mouth dropped in shock, I told her of course not, he has a boyfriend. So from there it was kind of dropped. Then when I was home, we went to dinner just my mother and I, on the way home after she brought the subject back up and asked if I was gay or not, "its okay and its a black and white issue, you either are or not I just want to know." which I replied that I was not having this conversation in the car nor was that an appropriate question. Well this past weekend I had people up at my family's lake house, so of course last night I talked to my mom about the entire weekend and how it went. Of course some of my friends that went along were gay which then brought up the entire gay topic. She goes "so are you moving on from girls then to just guys or what's going on? I just want to know so I don't keep putting my foot in my mouth about this topic." To which I laughed and couldn't answer without asking her what that had to do with anything... I can't figure out why but I can't just tell her that I am gay. She has made it relatively easy I guess but I find it awkward. Anyone else had their parent blatantly ask and you can't answer the question ?


    I had mine figure out on their own when i was 15.... although at 15 i really didn't want to talk about it. It's pretty much taken me those five years to just slowly talk about things.... I'm fine now.... But i pretty much did the same thing you were doing, just brushed it off and tried to change the subject.
    Its hard to talk about. It just took me till it was comfortable enough for me to talk about to be able to talk about it icon_razz.gif Probably not the best advice.
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Aug 12, 2009 12:05 AM GMT
    TrowelMonger saidTold my best mate, my brother, my dad and then my mom. I found it wierdest to tell my mom since that's a part of my life I never really told her about. It's easiest to talk about stuff with my brother or my dad.

    I would tell her. It doesn't have to be directly at first but you'll probably find it easier in time.



    awwww.

    I haven't told my parents quite yet, but my buds know. their opinion doesn't matter as much to me as my closest friends ... but I'm waiting for my little brother to go off to college and not to have to hear any guff.
  • Android17

    Posts: 346

    Aug 12, 2009 12:35 AM GMT
    [quote]bernd

    ^ This is what you should tell her and if that is to difficult, send it to her in an email. Don't over-think it. Everything will be fine.[/quote]

    Noo, you can't say that by email. I haven't done that yet but, the way that I will do it could be inviting her for dinner and then talk about gay life in general, to show her that is not just sex, like prepare her to know and then you tell her, not like a bomb "Mom I'm gay" or by email, god.
  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    Aug 12, 2009 12:50 AM GMT
    Well, you're lucky that she kind of already suspects, and she's let you know that she suspects.

    I told my parents earlier this year. I told my mom first, then two months later told my dad. My dad's super-religious, which is why I waited. The point is, apparently neither of them had a clue. My mom was totally cool about it to my face, almost too politically correct about it, to be honest. She later told me she cried for a week and looked into a support group. My dad was much harder, and he really wasn't picking up on what I was trying to tell him. He was kind of shocked. But he doesn't think I'm going to hell!

    Personally, for me, it's harder to come right out and say, "Mom, Dad, I'm gay." I would think it's easier to just have to say "yes" or "no" to a question they're asking.