"To hell with dating." Who is over it as well, and why?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 12, 2009 2:43 PM GMT
    Recently I decided to stop dating all together. My reasons are pretty simple.... I have (what most would consider) pretty high standards of a person when it comes to their disposition, and the guys I seem to meet fall short, considerably. What I want seems extremely hard to come by: Someone who is completely drug free, doesn't smoke, not an alcoholic, believes in monogamy, takes decent care of themselves, and has some kind of passion in life. Just an all around decent guy. Since that seems to be way too much to ask, I've decided to close up shop for a while.

    So the question is - Who else has stopped wading in the dating pool, and why icon_question.gif
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    Aug 12, 2009 2:57 PM GMT
    It's great to have standards and those that you have listed are not that uncommon so I'm guessing that if you're not finding someone that fits the bill, it's because you're fishing in the wrong pond. I've met a lot of guys who meet your "minimum requirement" and dated to decide if we're compatible. My issue is them not understanding that when you've decided they're not compatible, they don't want it to be over! Isn't that what dating is all about?
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    Aug 12, 2009 2:57 PM GMT
    Is it possible that you're not meeting their high standards?
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Aug 12, 2009 2:58 PM GMT
    I stopped at different periods of my life. I completely gave up on men altogether for a 5 year period when I was 25-30. The only thing I did was work on my career at the time, and work on the house.

    In 2006 I'm not sure if I had one date. In 2007 I dated one guy for three months. In 2008 I had one date. 2009 is going much better in terms of dating, but I have a lot more time on my hands to date.

    Your standards are very high, just like mine, but obviously since you yourself fit into your standards you should at least assume there is one other guy that would fit the bill.

    I always consider myself one half of a good relationship, it only takes one more guy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 12, 2009 3:01 PM GMT
    Ga -

    While I understand the thought behind this, I think it's flawed.

    Perhaps it's the internet sites that make you fill out endless 'checklists' about who you are, what you look like, how much money you make, how big your waist is, etc etc etc that have turned us into checklist-driven fools.

    It reminds me of Sex and the CIty, where in just about every episode, one or more of the main characters would meet a guy and the whole episode would center around whether or not his one flaw was justification enough to dump him, which it always was. In the end, though, the people the girls ended up with (Big, Steve, Harvey, etc) were all guys who were deeply flawed in many ways but that they found themselves growing to love over time. I know it's a TV show, but I think it mirrors reality in many ways - we love the people we love for a million different reasons, and very few of them probably relate to these stupid checklists.

    We are a quick, throwaway society anymore. We do it with cell phones and we do it with people. If you 'wade in the dating pool' with your checklist of must-haves, I can pretty much guarantee you're always going to be disappointed because instead of trying to 'feel' whether someone is right for you, you're evaluating them based on a preconceived list of criteria that provides absolutely no guarantees as to whether or not the people you are 'evaluating' are right for you or not - it's just another list.

    As soon as I got over my 'list' mentality as outlined by your post, I jumped back into the dating pool and have had a great time ever since, both getting to know more/diverse people and broadening my own horizons and finding new/different things that attract me to others.

    Throw away the damn list and just go get to know some guys.
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    Aug 12, 2009 3:08 PM GMT
    GaFuzz saidRecently I decided to stop dating all together. My reasons are pretty simple.... I have (what most would consider) pretty high standards of a person when it comes to their disposition, and the guys I seem to meet fall short, considerably. What I want seems extremely hard to come by: Someone who is completely drug free, doesn't smoke, not an alcoholic, believes in monogamy, takes decent care of themselves, and has some kind of passion in life. Just an all around decent guy. Since that seems to be way too much to ask, I've decided to close up shop for a while.

    So the question is - Who else has stopped wading in the dating pool, and why icon_question.gif


    I always find these whines quite amusingicon_exclaim.gif

    There are tons of guys who have the "qualities" that you are seeking the issue more often than not is- they do not come in the physical package that you are seeking, thus never considered.

    hmmmmmmmmmm
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 12, 2009 3:19 PM GMT
    Yeah I feel ya. I've come to a conclusion that men are horny little pigs
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 12, 2009 3:22 PM GMT
    The watched pot never boils.
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Aug 12, 2009 3:29 PM GMT
    RunintheCity saidThe watched pot never boils.


    I wish to date him. haha.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 12, 2009 3:45 PM GMT
    I saw this article by Evan Marc Katz quoted a while ago. It is so true (but hard to live by):

    "When we're dating, we often look for people who are mirror images of ourselves. For example, a successful woman will usually seek a successful man. But that very quality which makes them successful creates friction -- which is how you end up with two strong-willed people who can't stop arguing. Or two people who demand all the attention. Or two people who put their jobs before their relationships.

    It would seem that the best course of action would [be] to find someone who complements us instead. But we don't. We just keep trying to find "better" versions of ourselves, to our own detriment. It's no wonder we're still single.

    If we're to overcome our basest wants, we need to focus on what's most important.

    We have to stop expecting people to act better than we do. We have to stop dissecting people like lab frogs and finding fault. We have to stop extolling the flashiest virtues -- looks, money, pedigree -- and start focusing on things like heart, kindness, compassion and loyalty. Only then can we reach the point where we say, while looking at the ring on our finger, "It's not that my partner is perfect; it's that (s)he's perfect for me."
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    Aug 12, 2009 3:47 PM GMT
    Hmmm123 saidI saw this article by Evan Marc Katz quoted a while ago. It is so true (but hard to live by):

    "When we're dating, we often look for people who are mirror images of ourselves. For example, a successful woman will usually seek a successful man. But that very quality which makes them successful creates friction -- which is how you end up with two strong-willed people who can't stop arguing. Or two people who demand all the attention. Or two people who put their jobs before their relationships.

    It would seem that the best course of action would [be] to find someone who complements us instead. But we don't. We just keep trying to find "better" versions of ourselves, to our own detriment. It's no wonder we're still single.

    If we're to overcome our basest wants, we need to focus on what's most important.

    We have to stop expecting people to act better than we do. We have to stop dissecting people like lab frogs and finding fault. We have to stop extolling the flashiest virtues -- looks, money, pedigree -- and start focusing on things like heart, kindness, compassion and loyalty. Only then can we reach the point where we say, while looking at the ring on our finger, "It's not that my partner is perfect; it's that (s)he's perfect for me."


    this is too deep for most gay men!
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    Aug 12, 2009 3:49 PM GMT
    Hmmm123 saidI saw this article by Evan Marc Katz quoted a while ago. It is so true (but hard to live by):

    "When we're dating, we often look for people who are mirror images of ourselves. For example, a successful woman will usually seek a successful man. But that very quality which makes them successful creates friction -- which is how you end up with two strong-willed people who can't stop arguing. Or two people who demand all the attention. Or two people who put their jobs before their relationships.

    It would seem that the best course of action would [be] to find someone who complements us instead. But we don't. We just keep trying to find "better" versions of ourselves, to our own detriment. It's no wonder we're still single.

    If we're to overcome our basest wants, we need to focus on what's most important.

    We have to stop expecting people to act better than we do. We have to stop dissecting people like lab frogs and finding fault. We have to stop extolling the flashiest virtues -- looks, money, pedigree -- and start focusing on things like heart, kindness, compassion and loyalty. Only then can we reach the point where we say, while looking at the ring on our finger, "It's not that my partner is perfect; it's that (s)he's perfect for me."


    Thanks for sharing that.. agree wholeheartedly.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Aug 12, 2009 3:50 PM GMT
    After the relationship ended with with my second boyfriend, I didn't date anyone fore almost 2 years. I started back up in Austin and had a orrible time with the guys I met, getting my heart broken again and again... and then when it happens when you least expect it. One day an RJer living in San Antonio made a forum post about coming down to Austin for pride, and asked if anyone would be interesting in meeting up. I had no one to go with so I said I would. Well, long story short, he's my wonderful boyfriend now. You're probably going to get your heart stepped on so many times... but what I have learned is I might have had to go out with 20-50 guys (not joking) before I met one that became someone I cared about.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 12, 2009 3:55 PM GMT
    I continue to date, but I know exactly what you are talking about. Sometimes I'm fed up and won't date anyone, other times i give it another shot.

    Just continue to be yourself and not compromise on your standards. Project that energy and finding that needle in a haystack might just happen. But it will never happen if you give up.

    I approach every date with no expectations of the future. I'm not "searching" but my radar is always on.

    Your personal standards are very reasonable and healthy and it sounds like you won't play the game that most people cling to.

    Having high standards and being picky can be frustrating because sometimes the world seems to be stuck in "stupid" gear. Waste no time being concerned if people think you are a snob, or unapproachable. You know what you want and won't settle for some grinning idiot.

    Hopefully, there's someone out there who picks up on your standards and shares them.

    At least in theory it sounds good!....LOL

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    Aug 12, 2009 5:03 PM GMT
    Wow, wasn't expecting this kind of response. But all awesome stuff! Interesting to read about others perspective on the subject.

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    Aug 12, 2009 5:08 PM GMT
    If dating was fun, easy, and fulfilling in the long-term, nobody would get into relationships or consider a relationship as an end-goal to dating.

    Dating is sort of that necessary evil of hopefully getting the end-goal of a healthy, fulfulling relationship.

    Also, if it was very easy to find a good match for yourself, it wouldn't mean nearly as much to you or the relationship once you did find 'the one'.

    Just my thoughts.
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    Aug 12, 2009 5:11 PM GMT
    pitbullguy saidIf dating was fun, easy, and fulfilling in the long-term, nobody would get into relationships or consider a relationship as an end-goal to dating.

    Dating is sort of that necessary evil of hopefully getting the end-goal of a healthy, fulfulling relationship.

    Also, if it was very easy to find a good match for yourself, it wouldn't mean nearly as much to you or the relationship once you did find 'the one'.

    Just my thoughts.


    I like the way you think.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 12, 2009 5:27 PM GMT
    I'm over dating. I have a boyfriend now. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 12, 2009 5:33 PM GMT
    KissingPro said

    Having high standards and being picky can be frustrating because sometimes the world seems to be stuck in "stupid" gear. Waste no time being concerned if people think you are a snob, or unapproachable. You know what you want and won't settle for some grinning idiot.

    Hopefully, there's someone out there who picks up on your standards and shares them.

    At least in theory it sounds good!....LOL



    I swear I'm not picking on you as I know we've disagreed on other topics as well.

    But I can't help question the mentality of this "high standards" thing. I don't think anyone would say they have low standards, would they? I would much rather someone be able to articulate what his values are and why he has them than be given a list of things that *I* need to be in order to be worthy of a first or second look. If being the things on your list make you happy, that's great - but taking it to the next level and telling people that they need to be exactly the same so as to be worthy of you is not. As Hmm's post above articulated - better to find someone who complements you than duplicates you. These lists sound like job postings, and having a job posting-like approach to people makes you sound like... work.

    And I absolutely do care if people think I'm a snob or unapproachable, because people who perceived as snobs or unapproachable are usually unattractive to everyone (especially other snobs or unapproachables who are in denial).

    On one thing we agree - those things sound great in theory, but I guarantee you that if you go through life evaluating people against some checklist you've developed as you would a car or a home or a job, it really won't work in the long run.
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    Aug 12, 2009 5:37 PM GMT
    pitbullguy saidIf dating was fun, easy, and fulfilling in the long-term, nobody would get into relationships or consider a relationship as an end-goal to dating.

    Dating is sort of that necessary evil of hopefully getting the end-goal of a healthy, fulfulling relationship.

    Also, if it was very easy to find a good match for yourself, it wouldn't mean nearly as much to you or the relationship once you did find 'the one'.

    Just my thoughts.


    I think dating can be wonderful if you are honest and up front with your expectations and don't let others impose theirs on you. It also requires a thick skin to realize when most peoples bad behavior isn't really about you, but about them.

    I've had HIDEOUS dating experiences, one in particular has been a 15 month (and still going) experience that has involved three restraining orders, three hearings, thousands of dollars and more police than a CSI episode.

    On the other hand I've met wonderful guys that have reminded me that I deserve to be treated with kindness and compassion and that it's incumbent upon me to treat others in the same way.

    And just because someone doesn't love you the way you want to be loved, doesn't mean they aren't loving you the best way they can. Accepting the insurmountable differences and maintaining the love and respect of another after the romantic part of a relationship has past is a wonderful gift of dating should you choose to see it through the disappointment and hurt feelings.

    It doesn't always work out that way, but it doesn't necessarily have to be a necessary evil. Finding love and chemistry are elusive and sometimes difficult, I hope I make that process a positive one for the men I've dated... and I certainly am indebted to the men who do the same for me.

    ...for the rest... meet my friend the restraining order.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 12, 2009 5:42 PM GMT
    it's going to be a while for me. I just broke up with the boyfriend because he had this annoying habbit of blowing me off to go out and drink with his friends.

    The last time on Sunday, my birthday.

    What an ass.

    So until I find a guy that's worth getting to know, that shares some major intrests with me, and works well in the sack... nope.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 12, 2009 5:42 PM GMT
    badmikeyt saidI don't think anyone would say they have low standards, would they?


    I don't have low standards... I have no standards.
    ...sometimes I get lucky and sometimes I end up with a stalker and DA's office on speed dial.
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    Aug 12, 2009 5:44 PM GMT
    No offense but I've found men who have repeatedly had bad dating experiences or no luck is often times the one with problems... not the men they choose to date.
  • PipHop

    Posts: 439

    Aug 12, 2009 5:45 PM GMT
    calibro saidAfter the relationship ended with with my second boyfriend, I didn't date anyone fore almost 2 years. I started back up in Austin and had a orrible time with the guys I met, getting my heart broken again and again... and then when it happens when you least expect it. One day an RJer living in San Antonio made a forum post about coming down to Austin for pride, and asked if anyone would be interesting in meeting up. I had no one to go with so I said I would. Well, long story short, he's my wonderful boyfriend now. You're probably going to get your heart stepped on so many times... but what I have learned is I might have had to go out with 20-50 guys (not joking) before I met one that became someone I cared about.



    I normally don't post,

    but DAYUM you've dated 20-50 guys?!!icon_exclaim.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 12, 2009 5:51 PM GMT
    Yogi4Life saidNo offense but I've found men who have repeatedly had bad dating experiences or no luck is often times the one with problems... not the men they choose to date.


    Wise words.